Abusive relationship advice

[michelle23]

You cant change anyone. She is what she is. Can you live with that for 20 years with her getting worse each year? If shes not happy within herself, she wont make you happy

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[sas1047]

I understand that. I really do. I'm just trying to understand why. Somehow I feel its partly my fault making her act this way.

Last night, I wanted to do something nice for her. I took her car into a shop, changed the oil for her, and saved her some $ by installing some snow tires on her car for the winter. I thought maybe that would put her in a good mood for the rest of the night but I was wrong. We were watching TV for a little bit, everything was fine. But when we went to bed, her mood shifted, and she told me "I find it funny you always get what you want, but I never get what I want. You want sex 5-7 times a week, and I'm supposed to give everything I have to you, but I'm supposed to wait for you to be able to afford a ring and a house to get out of this shitty duplex for me." (its not a shitty duplex, its 1500sq ft and its only 10 years old) I told her, I want a house too. But were both not financially stable enough right now to buy one. That's why were renting until were ready. She went on to say how "I expect her to be a wife and fu** me everyday, but how dare I expect anything in return." Ugh......Im getting ready to just throw in the towel. She used to want sex more than me when we first started dating, even up until the first 9-12 months she did. I used to turn her down. So it makes no sense to me that she she would say something like that.

I don't know what the hell that's all about. We've been together almost 2 years. I think were doing okay for that time frame. She makes me feel like a failure because I cant give her the things 'she needs' right now. I give her everything that I can that doesn't cost 200k+(house), were both just not financially stable enough yet.

[michelle23]

Shes abusive. Jeez im with my bf 5 years and were not financially stable, cant afford a mortgage yet but ive never said anything like that to him. Its not your responsibility to provide her with a house. Your supposed to be a team, you both are supposed to work hard to achieve things. If she thinks sex=house shes got damn issues. Sex is supposed to be about bonding, love, pleasing each other, give and take etc which you prob already know

If you feel like your walking on eggshells with her snd she makes you feel like a failure then you should really consider walking. I know its not easy and it hurts to leave someone you love but sometimes you have to be strong and make the right decision for you in the long run.

Weve all been there. Been hurt or messed around etc and had to leave even though it hurt at first to do so but you know your relationship is dysfunctional.

Are you assertive in your relationship? What do you do when she abuses you like this? Do you stand up for yourself? Walk away? Expect an apology before youll speak to her again? If no then your part of the problem. Being too passive gives her permission to continue abusing you.

The last thing i can say is if your not ready to walk away yet then demand counselling coz she needs to change

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[Wakeup]

I definitely hear what you're saying. When her guard is down, there are no emotional baggage issues. She trusts me, shes laughing, seems happy, and treats me well. Shes amazing because she makes herself a very trusting/honest girlfriend. She has never lied to me, cheated, or held anything from me. Shes the type of person even if some random guy messages her online to even ask how shes doing, she'll tell me right away. I like that about her. I've never met one woman that's been like that to me, or any other guy I know. I guess sometimes I feel like its worth putting up with the shit because I have somebody I can trust and be happy with when her walls are down. Maybe I do deserve better, maybe she does too. Im stuck in the moment and I don't know whats the real answer.

On the flip side, she can really push things. She's the type of girl during an argument to never back down, shes never wrong, and she will push push push you until you blow your top. I hate to say this, and I'm so ashamed to, but she pushed me a few times so far, said such mean things, that I pushed her by the neck away from me I didn't try to hurt her, but I did. I never thought I'd do that to anybody. Especially one that I love. I've never been in a physical fight my entire life. I've always gotten along with people. I never knew that side of me even existed until that night. I know I will not allow that to happen again. But I feel like I'm going to be paying the price now for a long time. I don't want to be in a situation like that. I'm scared, being 30 now, having to start all over again and possibly ending up loosing the best person I'll be able to find. Who's to say I'll ever find another honest and trustworthy woman like her again?

You bring the worse out in one another. You are addicted to her and if you stay with her you'll end up like another poster around here who has been in a violent and dysfunctional existence with someone for a decade now. You've tried walking on eggshells, you've tried changing yourself (you can't change her so it's best to work on you and your reactivety).

You dont' want to leave a C word of a woman that ocassionally makes you laugh, tells you when other men contact her (pfffft) and gives you a good lay once in a while? Newsflash: You can get a good woman that won't bring the cave man out in you who you can MOSTLY just laugh and relax with as you live your life, one who will give you sex and love you without the dysfunction.

Thing is, you'll NEVER find her as long as you cling to this dysfunctional life you've chosen for yourself and are too codependent to leave. Get yourself some personal therapy. It will help you to love yourself enough to be able to let go of this shrew you've found yourself with.

Shes not going to change so best you work on yourself so that you love you enough to look after your own emotional health by having the strength to let her go.

Adding this:

The last thing i can say is if your not ready to walk away yet then demand counselling coz she needs to change

He has no right to demand anything from anyone. That's the advice of someone who is trying to control. He can suggest she go but if she won't then he should be the one to go. He needs his own therapy so that he figures out early that he should be going and going now when someone is like the way she is.

[sas1047]

Thanks for the replies. Really does help me. Here is our conversation via text this morning after the incident this morning:

Me: Hi, just wanted to see how you're doing and feeling
Her:I'm fine. How are you?
Me: Not the greatest. But its not about me. I'm not the greatest because I hate knowing I upset you. Just wanted to say I'm sorry.
Her: Its not worth talking/arguing about. These are my demons to deal with.
Me: Well, were supposed to be a team, so they're mine too. I want to help. I always have.
Her: I have to deal with feeling like I'm always expected to be the obedient wife while the man never has to step up. I hate that sex is an expectation but eventually I'll get over it. I don't want a house or a ring now. I dont want anything. Just need to survive.
Me: I step up. You know I do. Im on your same side here. Sex isnt expected. I just push my needs/wants too much with you I guess, and I'm sorry about that.
Her: You step up when you let me know how thankful I should be that you fixed my car and how much $ you saved me.

Ugh....
Its so hard to even have a conversation with this woman that doesn't upset her. I keep thinking maybe she just needs time to mellow out and maybe in a few months she'll change, so I wait. Even if I'm apologizing and telling her nice things, she still wants to go off in vent mode all the time and its like shes ignoring all the nice things I'm even saying. She says herself I just say nice things so I can get sex. That's ridiculous to me. I want her happy. I love her. She thinks every guy just wants 1 thing. Maybe most do, but I am NOT that way. I love sex with her, but its only her. If I just wanted sex, I'd go be with somebody who wasn't as hard to deal with and just get sex. But I don't. Why doesn't she understand this? That I'm not some shitty guy to her. I don't lie to her, cheat. I'm very loyal. I just hate feeling like this is my fault.

Are you assertive in your relationship? What do you do when she abuses you like this? Do you stand up for yourself? Walk away? Expect an apology before youll speak to her again? If no then your part of the problem. Being too passive gives her permission to continue abusing you.

I walk away. Then I'm accused of going to fu** some other girl or that I don't care about her and am leaving her side. I've stood up for myself, but then it turns into a rage war because she will continue to not back down and she'll just keep at it until I break. Sounds crazy, but I think I've cried more times than she has in this relationship. She can say some really hurtful things. Not name calling, its the 'step up' remarks and how I'm a cheater, liar, and not worth trusting, etc. She rarely has come to me 1st after a fight with an apology. That would only happen if I didn't talk to her for more than 24hrs. I'm not the type of guy to sit in the corner and just let her run her mouth about all the shitty things I do wrong with her. I stand up for myself, tell her I love her, tell her I'm doing everything I can for her and always will. Nothing is good enough. Truly the worst feeling in the world, almost as bad as being cheated on, is knowing your giving 110% to the woman in your life and she's telling you that you don't give a shit and aren't trying and you only care about yourself.

[michelle23]

Why do you put up with this? How can you love someone thats so vile and nasty 90% of the time? You take all this crap from her for days on end for the measly 5minutes of affection you may get from her if she comes down from her bipolar trip..

She has a problem with men. No matter how good you treat her-it will never be enough because your a man. She needs personal therapy which shes not willing to get and you cant fix her.

You could walk out that door now, have no contact with her and be over her, ready to move on with a decent woman in 6months. A woman who doesnt use sex as a weapon, who doesnt abuse you and start arguments every day, who appreciates you for who you are and gives you the affection and love you crave.

Whats stopping you? Your not married, you dont have a mortgage with her or kids. Your free to leave anytime. Next shell be pregnant and the hormones could make her even worse and then youve bigger problems to worry about when you fear leaving her alone with the child encase she verbally and emotionally abuses him or her.

Now i know im jumping ahead but thats your future if you stay and then you just have another excuse not to walk away.

Its your life and only you can decide what to do. You should see a counsellor alone coz your self worth is low and shes crushing what little confidence and self belief you had. Shes a bully and your her victim.

Go and get the help you need so you can find the strenght to walk away

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[sas1047]

Thanks for the replies. Really does help me. Here is our conversation via text this morning after the incident this morning:

Me: Hi, just wanted to see how you're doing and feeling
Her:I'm fine. How are you?
Me: Not the greatest. But its not about me. I'm not the greatest because I hate knowing I upset you. Just wanted to say I'm sorry.
Her: Its not worth talking/arguing about. These are my demons to deal with.
Me: Well, were supposed to be a team, so they're mine too. I want to help. I always have.
Her: I have to deal with feeling like I'm always expected to be the obedient wife while the man never has to step up. I hate that sex is an expectation but eventually I'll get over it. I don't want a house or a ring now. I dont want anything. Just need to survive.
Me: I step up. You know I do. Im on your same side here. Sex isnt expected. I just push my needs/wants too much with you I guess, and I'm sorry about that.
Her: You step up when you let me know how thankful I should be that you fixed my car and how much % you saved me.

Ugh....
Its so hard to even have a conversation with this woman that doesn't upset her. I keep thinking maybe she just needs time to mellow out and maybe in a few months she'll change, so I wait. Even if I'm apologizing and telling her nice things, she still wants to go off in vent mode all the time and its like shes ignoring all the nice things I'm even saying. She says herself I just say nice things so I can get sex. That's ridiculous to me. I want her happy. I love her. She thinks every guy just wants 1 thing. Maybe most do, but I am NOT that way. I love sex with her, but its only her. If I just wanted sex, I'd go be with somebody who wasn't as hard to deal with and just get sex. But I don't. Why doesn't she understand this? That I'm not some shitty guy to her. I don't lie to her, cheat. I'm very loyal. I just hate feeling like this is my fault.

Shes abusive. Jeez im with my bf 5 years and were not financially stable, cant afford a mortgage yet but ive never said anything like that to him. Its not your responsibility to provide her with a house. Your supposed to be a team, you both are supposed to work hard to achieve things. If she thinks sex=house shes got damn issues. Sex is supposed to be about bonding, love, pleasing each other, give and take etc which you prob already know

Thank you for making me feel like I'm not crazy. I feel the same way, but figured maybe now that I'm 30 I'm doing things wrong. I want a house, just as bad as her probably, but I would never tell her shes not 'stepping up' because I'm still in a 'shitty duplex'. I would never make her feel like shes not good enough, or that her efforts aren't satisfactory. I have raised my concerns about our intimate life, wondering if it was me making her feel different than she used to, or if its somebody else, or just her. She hates that I talk about it, but at the same time I want to know that she finds me attractive and wants me. What guy wouldn't?

[michelle23]

Your going round and round in circles here. I get that you want her to understand how you feel but she never will coz shes a bully and its all about HER

You shouldnt have to justify wanting to sleep with your gf-thats normal. You shouldnt have to stand up for yourself about money or work. Your working in the middle of a massive recession-that should be enough for her. Theres people starving, kids losing their homes, people living on the street.. i know people who have saved 20,000 over the past 10years and still cant get a mortgage. Shes an entitled princess who needs to come down off her high horse.

Take off your rose tinted glasses and see this bitch for what she is. Your making excuses for her snd still blaming yourself when youve done nothing wrong. Shes manipulated you and made you feel like your the bad guy and you cant even see it. She wants you to lick her ass and beg

You need to find your self respect and your dignity and stop hoping shell change or things will get better. They wont

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[Wakeup]

Why are you so afraid to leave someone who doesn't value you and only keeps you around because you're so easy to boss around, and use for other things. This isn't love, it's addiction and you're hooked on your drug of choice called "Horrible girlfriend" I'm sure all your friends and family hate her and wonder whats wrong with you that you'd stay for more of her abuse.
... or like most abusers, does she hide her proclivities from them well?
You should feel as if you're crazy because your actions indicate that you may be if you continue to stay and let her treat you like you are a worthless piece of disposable fluff who she lets fk once in a while just to keep you engaged.

Harsh as that is. That is exactly the picture you paint of your life with her. So, yea... maybe you are a bit crazy *shrugs*

[sas1047]

Your going round and round in circles here. I get that you want her to understand how you feel but she never will coz shes a bully and its all about HER

You shouldnt have to justify wanting to sleep with your gf-thats normal. You shouldnt have to stand up for yourself about money or work. Your working in the middle of a massive recession-that should be enough for her. Theres people starving, kids losing their homes, people living on the street.. i know people who have saved 20,000 over the past 10years and still cant get a mortgage. Shes an entitled princess who needs to come down off her high horse.

Take off your rose tinted glasses and see this bitch for what she is. Your making excuses for her snd still blaming yourself when youve done nothing wrong. Shes manipulated you and made you feel like your the bad guy and you cant even see it. She wants you to lick her ass and beg

You need to find your self respect and your dignity and stop hoping shell change or things will get better. They wont

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You're right. Maybe it is time to walk away. I'm 30 years old, and afraid of never being able to find somebody. I guess that's why I try to hard with her, because she tells me she loves me and I'm afraid of starting over. I know I deserve better. I know I deserve to walk into a house of my significant other being happy and excited to see me, instead of the opposite. I'm just terrified of thinking I'm making the wrong decision by walking away and regretting it for the rest of my life.

[blutifuldoll]

She needs alot of counseling, She's unlikely to change,.Maybe you've shown her you love her too much That's why She's acting this way, cause she knows you won't leave no matter what she does. Are you sure That's what really happened in her past relationship? Like someone said There's two sides to every story,..., Anyway just tell her all this and ask her if she'll go for counseling Because you love her and really want to make it work. If things don't change, as hard as it may be walk away, You shouldn't be stuck with her cause you're 30 and you don't wanna start over again. You really seem like a nice guy and you deserve better.

[ju1ie]

Right everyone is always perfect and on their best behaviour the first 3-6months. You gotta stop waiting for that girl you met at the beginning to come back. The honeymoon period faded and now your both showing who you really are.

Your not getting anything out of this relationship. Theres no affection, intimacy, communication or fun. Why are you still there. She sounds bipolar tbh and i wonder is she a big part of the reason her ex marriage was awful. Theres too sides to every story

Anyway things are not going to get better-probably worse. I would break things off and go consentrate on your business.

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Agreed with Michelle. I was with someone for 6 years who was like that--always upset, angry, complaining etc (and when I tried to make things better/destress him, I only made matters worse it seems). It got bad fast....I still love this person with all my heart too, but I couldn't "save" him. Sometimes, someone has to hit rock bottom in order to help themselves (without the help of the one that is trying to "save" them or make things better for them). Sounds like she needs to get counseling or something or maybe you guys could try couple therapy together before throwing in the towel. If she's wiling to get help for herself, then i would say stick it out; But if she doesn't want to be helped/ saved you can't "fix her" . You can't help someone that doesn't saved/helped. She doesn't love herself, and if she doesn't love herself she won't be able to love you like you deserve to be loved.

[michelle23]

You're right. Maybe it is time to walk away. I'm 30 years old, and afraid of never being able to find somebody. I guess that's why I try to hard with her, because she tells me she loves me and I'm afraid of starting over. I know I deserve better. I know I deserve to walk into a house of my significant other being happy and excited to see me, instead of the opposite. I'm just terrified of thinking I'm making the wrong decision by walking away and regretting it for the rest of my life.

30 years young dont be silly. Of course you will meet someone else. And y would you regret leaving an abusive bully? Shes not worth it


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[sas1047]

You're right. It just helps to understand what went wrong. Thats why I'm on here. I have one question for everybody. Blended families. Do they just not work? How do you treat your significant other's children as your own financially when you can barely afford your own?

A few weeks ago, I was shopping around for a new bed for my son. Hes 4. He NEEDS a new bed, its not just a want. He was using my old queen mattress, and it just broke. So, anyway, he really likes the Disney Cars movie. So I was looking at some of those, and found this really cool twin bed with a Disney Cars frame and it looks like a real car, and has cars sheets and everything to go with it. My gf started getting pissy with me and said how 'this is why this will never work with us because blended families just don't work. If you buy your son that then my son is going to be sad and he's going to want something like that.' I said, but wait a second. Both your kids(1 boy 1 girl) have bunk beds right now and my son just has a regular bed. She says "well I offered for you to buy one at the time I was buying these and you didn't want one". I said, I didn't have the money for it at the time. Now I have to buy him something. She got really pissed at me, and said 'You cant just buy your kid a regular bed can you?' and wouldn't talk to me the rest of the night and went to bed.

What is going on here? Am I doing something wrong? Am I not supposed to buy my kid something different because her son will be jealous? Her bunk beds she bought are way too high up in the air and I don't like the design. They're pretty weak and cheap wood, and it's not really something I want to buy. I would like him to be in a regular twin bed. Same thing happened about 6 months ago in the summer. When we were all buying new bikes for the kids. Her son really wanted a new bike. Hes about 1 year older than my son. The bike he wanted was a Yamaha motorcycle looking bicycle. She told him that he was too big for that bike and needed a step up. I was not paying too close attention to this as he wants a lot of stuff in the store and I didn't think much of it. He likes pretty much every bike he sees, what kid doesnt? So a few weeks ago when I was looking for a bike, I took my son to the store and he fell in love with that same Yamaha bike. I bought the bike for my son because when I went to Wal-Mart, it was the ONLY bike there in that size for him. She got extremely pissed at me, told me I should of went to other stores and found a different bike because the look on her son's face was irreplaceable. I didn't really think that was that fair of her since her son already had bigger DISNEY CARS bike and my son also likes Cars.

Once again, I feel like I'm restricted on certain things I can buy because it'll make her children feel less valuable. Can anybody shine some light on this?