Boyfriend with Anger Problems

[basilandthyme]

Anger is an emotion. People get angry. That part is OK.

Calling you names is the problem. Ask him to stop doing that. Hopefully once you make him aware of the issue, he'll stop.

I just wanted to talk a little further about this because I'm worried the OP will think that his level of anger is OK.

I agree that people do get angry, but his is over the top on all levels. I agree he needs to stop the name calling...but he also needs to stop yelling. And if this is happening on the weekly basis that the OP describes, there's something seriously wrong with him (or the relationship). Surely such extreme anger on a weekly basis isn't OK in your book?

It also sounds to me as though the OP has discussed this with him and he continues regardless.

[Wakeup]

Please learn from this relationship, Op. You barely knew who he was (which is abusive) before you moved in with him. Six months is not enough to find out about anyone. You should NEVER move in with someone during the honeymoon phase of your dating. People are on their best behaviour during that phase so it's best to wait to move in until after you've seen the real him and you've made sure he's not some Jeckyll/Hyde.

[Wakeup]

Anger is an emotion. People get angry. That part is OK.

Calling you names is the problem. Ask him to stop doing that. Hopefully once you make him aware of the issue, he'll stop.

Yea.. just ask him to stop... that otta just make everything peachy. O.o If only it were that easy... domestic abuse would cease to exist.

He came to my country so that I would be able to finish my university degree, and he has been working an inferior job to support us.

*Looks in crystal ball* Brace yourself to be verbally assaulted for using him if you leave him. That's all he's going to think. You leaving him because of His behaviour won't mean a thing in his mind. All he'll see is how much he sacrificed for you.

[DalM0m]

I think most people don't try the approach of asking the other person to stop. I called a partner names in a relationship when I was younger. I didn't even realize I was doing it. When he pointed it out I felt bad & made a conscious effort to stop. I still find myself slipping sometimes. I was annoyed with my husband the other night & almost barked that he was an idiot but caught myself, took a breath & pointed out that the suggestions he was offering were idiotic. (I didn't claim it was a perfect recovery)

I'm not a Pollyanna but I also disagree with the cavalier approach taken by some on internet message boards when at the 1st sign of difficulty, everybody is running for the door.

Obviously, if the yelling & name calling doesn't stop or die down, more drastic measures are required but you still have to take a 1st step.

[Wakeup]

I'm not a Pollyanna but I also disagree with the cavalier approach taken by some on internet message boards when at the 1st sign of difficulty, everybody is running for the door.

did you miss the part where she's talked to him and nothing has changed?

[Wakeup]

I'm not a Pollyanna but I also disagree with the cavalier approach taken by some on internet message boards when at the 1st sign of difficulty, everybody is running for the door.

That ^^ is your opinion that you apply to this particular thread? People who are not mentally issued listen to reason and try to change their behaviour. Telling someone who, by all accounts isn't goint to change without some heavy duty training in anger management and the art of communication, someone who is verbally and emotionally abusing you to stop doing their mentally issued things is whats cavalier. Just my opinion, of course.

Op..If you're going to stay with him then you both need courses in how to communicate effectively. You need to stop playing tit for tat games with him and see if he'll get the councelling that you both need to fix the dysfunction and disrespect that goes on within your union.

[DalM0m]

did you miss the part where she's talked to him and nothing has changed?

No because the OP didn't say that. She said she tried ignoring him & she tried screaming back it him. She said she talked to her girlfriend about it but nobody else. She also said it happened 2x.

At no point did I advocate staying in an abusive relationship but simply because somebody needs to learn better control over their anger does not mean they are abusive. Yes, they could be headed in that direction but a couple of harsh words do not equate to a daily, untenable living situation.

[Wakeup]

I read this entire situation differently then you do. I don't agree with your assesment of the situation and so we'll just leave it at that. If I thought that just telling him to stop yelling and verbally abusing her would make him stop, then that is what I would have suggested. People who constantly belittle someone have some issues that a mere conversation about isn't going to help them to change at least the odds are extremely high that they will not change.

They are'nt married... why should she ignore this brilliant red flag about who he is and stay with him when he makes her so unhappy with his behaviour towards her is my view on this. We date and become exclusive with someone to find out if they'll make good LIFEmates (at least the one's that have that goal do that). She's just found out he's not a good lifemate. Heed that, I say.

[Wakeup]

Hi Luis64,

I have been thinking of leaving him to scare him into respecting me again, but the more I think about it the more it sounds like playing a childish game.

Just leave him because he's showed you who he is and unless he gets some help with how he handles controversy, it will likely just get worse as your honeymoon period becomes less and less. Stave off dating until you've learned that direct communication works way better then as you rightly called it "childish games." There are classes you can take and books you can read on how to be assertive (not agressive) and how to affectively communicate so that whomever you're addressing understands your needs and desires.

[HeartIsAching]

I think most people don't try the approach of asking the other person to stop. I called a partner names in a relationship when I was younger. I didn't even realize I was doing it. When he pointed it out I felt bad & made a conscious effort to stop. I still find myself slipping sometimes. I was annoyed with my husband the other night & almost barked that he was an idiot but caught myself, took a breath & pointed out that the suggestions he was offering were idiotic. (I didn't claim it was a perfect recovery)

I'm not a Pollyanna but I also disagree with the cavalier approach taken by some on internet message boards when at the 1st sign of difficulty, everybody is running for the door.

Obviously, if the yelling & name calling doesn't stop or die down, more drastic measures are required but you still have to take a 1st step.

Naive much?

[melita13]

Yes, I have talked with him countless of times. Wakeup, I am perfectly capable of being assertive and of direct communication. I know we have a problem and I just wanted to know if this problem can be dealt with through therapy or other means without breaking it off. I do not agree with abusive behaviour of any kind, and I'm sure as hell not going to stand for it. However, I think we have a solid relationship in other aspects of our life and I'm not going to act like a child and break it off without trying my best to help us get through it. When I feel that I have done all I can from my side and still see that the situation is the same, I will leave him for good as as someone said I do not want to be in the same situation 5 years down the lien trying to guard my kids from their father's shouting and tantrums.

[Wakeup]

You're not going to act like a child? Well, that's good that you've decided to give up that behaviour because prior to that post, you have been doing just that.

Good luck. I hope you come to realize that without the help he needs with his inability to control his anger and outbursts and your inability to effectively communicate then nothing will change and you will find you have BOTH been emotionally abusing your children (present or future) (never mind one another) for yet another week, year, decade. One year and one half and you've already discovered that you cannot make him change. He needs unbiased, professional help with that so don't think you continuing to play psychological mind-**** games with him is suddenly going to conclude in you making him the man you hoped he was but have now discovered he is not.

He always apologises afterwards but we still end up having the same situation one week later.

I think you can safely walk away knowing you've tried everything if you ask him to go to anger management classes while you take lessons in how to effectively communicate and he tells you he doesn't think it's necessary.

I'm smart enough to know that you won't do anything until you've hit your own rock bottom. Don't make that bottom an ever ending new and lower level.