He slept with someone else whilst we were living apart on a break, do I forgive him?

[Indira]

My partner & I have been having problems for ages. We have been best friends, since university, for 10 years & have been together for 3 years. One day I smashed the window & he said he would live at his mum's for a while. During arguments like this, I have smashed things & basically physically abused him. Slapping, scratching & once ripping his shirt off him before he has to be at work.I have kicked him and made him cry. All the time we have been living together I have been dealing with depression. No excuse, just fact. He has been my rock, sat down with me on countless occasions to write 'productivity schedules' & tried to ween me off marijuana. But I never bothered, I haven't wanted to face the fact of having a mental health issue. I just find faults in him to point out, to blame for our horrid bad relationship habits. I have known he wouldn't leave me. After the window, He said he couldn't bare living me & needed some time apart to think. He phoned me daily to see what I was up to,saying we will take it slowly & spend time together before he moved back in. I ended up splitting up with him, out of insecurity.He sent me emotional msgs, begging me not to give up on us. I told him we were over. I felt so out of control and outraged at his rejection. I know very immature & self centred. After a day or so I msged him to talk, he agreed to meet up, but he cheated instead a night over the weekend we were meant to meet. I He confessed a few days later & says he did it out of spite & to 'make his move'. He said he was angry with me and in his mind we were over. He now says he is devastated by what he has done, regretted it straight away and 'knows he loves me'. We have so much work to do and I feel betrayed. I don't know what to do. He is amazing, I love him.

[Starnique]

First of all, you need to get some counseling for your emotional and temperamental problems. You need to do this so you can change to become a better person. You can not be good to anybody with these kind of problems.

Anyway, he couldn't deal with your antics anymore, left and rightfully so. However, I don't agree with him sleeping with another person so fast when he knew he still had feelings for you. You just don't move on that fast imo, however you did break things off with him. I think if you both really care about each other and love each other, you can get past this. He needs to know what he did was shady. Not moving on but doing it to be spiteful knowing he still had feelings for you. Spite is used with the intent of hurting someone and that's wrong and he needs to understand so be real clear about that. You need to get help because your behavior is inexcusable also and get things straight because this relationship doesn't seem healthy. Help, Change is the key.

[basilandthyme]

You have no right to feel betrayed. You dumped him and therefore he was free to sleep with whoever he wants. It's only a betrayal if you and he were officially together at the time.

[confusedguy1012]

It's only cheating if you are together, also I think you should get some counseling it will help with your emotional problems it's nothing to be ashamed about everybody could use a little help.

[bekho]

It looks like you have reflected a lot on your situation and that you are contrite. You know that you shouldn't make someone you love feel so bad. You should be happy that he's putting up with you at all. Beg and plead for him back. If you break up with him you'll never find someone else who will put up with you.

I agree with the first reply. You need to change. What kind of mother will you be?

Sent from my Nexus 4 using Tapatalk

[Mattiemae]

Really this is domestic violence! You do have a problem and if you don't get help, you will eventually get arrested and it doesn't matter if you're a women. It wise to admit you have some mental health issues, and depression doesn't cause violence, so you have more issues going on, and big problem with your anger. You also stated substance abuse. It's easy to blame your boyfriend and smack him around, because you don't want to face you have a problem and issues, but sooner or later you will be forced to face your problems and get help. If you don't do it yourself and ask for help, if you keep going the way you are, when you get arrested and go to jail, the courts will court order you for counseling.

My advice is leave your boyfriend alone, and seek help before you enter another relationship. When you can get a handle on your anger, emotions, and feelings, than perhaps maybe you will be healthier for someone. Whatever other people may or may not do in your life, they don't deserve to be treated that way.

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You're boyfriend isn't the problem as much as you're actions.

[michelle23]

You are abusive and you are slowly destroying. I dont blame him for finding comfort in someone else. Theres plenty of women who would treat him so much better. If you dont get help you will lose him. Its disgusting how you treat him-an animal wouldnt treat their mate like this. Shame on you

[Indira]

It's been so helpful reading the responses on here. I have reflected quite a lot on these comments the last few days.
I'm fully ashamed of how I've behaved towards him. I have no idea why at all he stuck around. It was very important for me to be honest with this post, it has felt an important process to write it all down, see it in black and white and recoil in horror at the ugly person I really can be. I have let it escalate, it is so hard to say 'I'm an abuser'. Especially going through it during my early years as a child. *I have no excuses for it*
The initial shock of finding out about his actions, I think, lead me to worry about his now intentions.. Not an attempt to mask over the damage I have done to this relationship.
I started having psychodynamic therapy, I already feel I'm managing my emotions better. I really trust my therapist and it's unbelievably helpful to explore the 'highly adrenaline fuelled' anger that consumes me at times.
This is the bottom, I have trodden on my best friend all through college and university, 6 months of travelling together ending with him confessing his feelings for me.
Long road ahead,with lots of work to do.
Thanks everyone.

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Bad grammer: My best friend that's been there all through college, uni and travelling.

[michelle23]

Its good your seeking help. Good luck

[r321148]

Good on you for seeking help. This needs to be your number one priority at the moment. Get yourself to a better place and then worry about relationships after.
Good luck