I'm the stupidest person around

[starbuck]

^^^Nickeyd, I actually gave you some well-thought out advice to your other post. Since you deleted your thread, I'll put it here:

"Well first off, you're not screwed or stuck. You're very young and will find another relationship in time to settle down, get married and have kids if that's what you want.

Second of all, if this guy is a cheater, then you're MUCH better without him. Let him go have his rock star fantasy. He probably has about as good of a chance of getting famous with it, as he does of becoming an NBA star. My ex was in the music industry so I know first hand how VERY hard it is to actually get a record deal these days. I'm not trying to put down anyone with musical ambitions, but more making the point that these kinds of guys tend to put their priorities in intangible things and not relationships.

Nickeyd, count your lucky stars you didn't spend more time with this man. He will be off chasing a dream, while you will be moving on and finding new love with someone who can give you so much more."

There's your advice. Hope it gets through.

[nickeyd]

Cain- To be honest, it was not a "waste" of six years. I don't think I ever said that, and if I did then I most certainly didn't mean it... I've had some amazing times with him over the past 6 years, probably some of the best times of my life, and I don't regret any of them... It's just that I have now reached a point in my life where I have different needs, which I have realized recently he cannot meet. These are not needs I've had for 6 years, so it did not take me 6 years to realize this...I realized this recently, because the needs have been recent, as I've gotten older. Sorry if you misunderstood.

[nickeyd]

Starbuck, thanks so much for the kind words - I appreciate it

[Junket]

clearly you've never fallen in love with someone who wasn't right for you. and frankly, intelligence has nothing to do with it. the heart and the brain are two separate organs. just because you are smart enough to know better, doesn't mean you can control your feelings. if you can control your feelings, you must not be human.

The heart and brain are two different organs.

But the heart doesn't experience any emotion.

All the emotion exists in your brain.

And no one bashed on her for not being able to control her emotions. An adult has control over their actions, however. They have control over what they do with their emotions.

We supported her for a good 2 weeks at least while refrained from contacting this guy. Quite frankly, I'm no longer interested in babying her and telling her it's okay if she wants to continue making the same mistake over and over again.

If you don't like what we have to provide here, which is more valuable than you're giving us credit for, than so be it.

I prefer to weed out the hopeless romantic simpletons, anyway.

[lesa]

Don't take it negatively. You have to look at it from our perspective... it took you six years to realize that the guy you were with isn't going to change.

I've been in love, but I certainly wouldn't have wasted six years on a woman who I knew wasn't going to change.

Don't speak so soon.


Nickeyd, I haven't read your story but imo you haven't waste years if you enjoyed those years with him. You only waste years when you feel you have or the relationship was rocky.

I was with my ex for many years and it was the best time of my life. We shared many adventures and enjoyed ourselves. It wasn’t until hard times that we lost that enjoyment and ourselves, but I would never want to go back in time and not to ever have met him. I am very GLAD I met him and will cherish my fun memories.

[nickeyd]

Frasbee -Gotcha. I hadn't been on here two weeks..Maybe 5 minutes, tops. It was the first thing I read, so sorry...I didn't get the whole backstory from just the thread. I just feel it's harsh to call someone stupid. People may act stupid, but I don't believe that makes the person stupid. Even the most intelligent people make foolish decisions. Anyway, I like being romantic. Just not hopeless think you may have judged me too quickly with that "hopeless romantics simpleton" label you gave me... which was rather rude and untrue... but I guess that's the problem with the internet... it's not like you actually know me, so with the few details I do provide it's easy for people to just put labels on others and name call without knowing the big picture. I'm glad I gave the site a shot, but I think I'll stick to my in-person friends for this kind of advice. It's so hard reading people online...you never know their tone, body language, etc. which makes it easy to miscommunicate, and wrongly interpret (I interpret your comments to be extremely rude and uncompassionate, but in reality you may be just dishing out tough love, but it's hard to tell over a computer). Can anyone tell me how to delete the account on here? Thank you

[nickeyd]

lesa- thanks so much for sharing that! it made me feel great because I know that even though this relationship may not work out- I will still move forward with so many positive memories and not dwell on the bad ones. i will always cherish my wonderful times with him, and it's so refreshing and hopeful (not hopeless!) to read that you had a similar experience with an ex and can look back with happy thoughts

[anachronistic]

Frasbee -Gotcha. I hadn't been on here two weeks..Maybe 5 minutes, tops. It was the first thing I read, so sorry...I didn't get the whole backstory from just the thread. I just feel it's harsh to call someone stupid. People may act stupid, but I don't believe that makes the person stupid. Even the most intelligent people make foolish decisions. Anyway, I like being romantic. Just not hopeless think you may have judged me too quickly with that "hopeless romantics simpleton" label you gave me... which was rather rude and untrue... but I guess that's the problem with the internet... it's not like you actually know me, so with the few details I do provide it's easy for people to just put labels on others and name call without knowing the big picture. I'm glad I gave the site a shot, but I think I'll stick to my in-person friends for this kind of advice. It's so hard reading people online...you never know their tone, body language, etc. which makes it easy to miscommunicate, and wrongly interpret (I interpret your comments to be extremely rude and uncompassionate, but in reality you may be just dishing out tough love, but it's hard to tell over a computer). Can anyone tell me how to delete the account on here? Thank you

Oh relax, I was just teasing because Frasbee knows what he is talking about and you practically called him out, without knowing much about him. Don't take things so personal.

As for your thread, you shouldn't have deleted that. But oh well. You've proved the point here; you CAN control the outcome of your emotions, you deleted your thread as a way of 'getting back' at us. As a result you pretty much only hurt yourself; I was in the middle of typing up a lengthy bit of advice for you only to find out it was deleted.

[anachronistic]

Don't speak so soon.


Nickeyd, I haven't read your story but imo you haven't waste years if you enjoyed those years with him. You only waste years when you feel you have or the relationship was rocky.

I was with my ex for many years and it was the best time of my life. We shared many adventures and enjoyed ourselves. It wasn’t until hard times that we lost that enjoyment and ourselves, but I would never want to go back in time and not to ever have met him. I am very GLAD I met him and will cherish my fun memories.

Wasted time is time when you do not learn anything from that.

[nickeyd]

Actually when you label someone, as I was wrongly labeled "hopeless romantic simpleton" or whatever weird name someone came up with...obviously it is personal....otherwise they wouldn't label a person, but rather make a general remark.. And I did not *waste* any time because I enjoyed my time with him, have great memories, and I did learn quite a bit....but way to assume things as if you knew me. You can think whatever you want....I know what I had with him, and you're just some guy on the internet....whose opinion frankly doesn't mean anything to me. You're just annoying.

PS- I can delete whatever the hell I want, and chose to do so because I did not want my words or pieces of my story on this site any longer because guys like you are just a$$holes who always think they're right - newsflash: YOU'RE NOT! and you don't know me. I don't need to "get back" at strangers on the internet... it had zero to do with emotions...you kind of sound psychotic? Sorry your lengthy advice got deleted but something tells me I wouldn't want it anyway. If someone can tell me how to delete the account.....that'd be cool

[anachronistic]

Actually when you label someone, as I was wrongly labeled "hopeless romantic simpleton" or whatever weird name someone came up with...obviously it is personal....otherwise they wouldn't label a person, but rather make a general remark.. And I did not *waste* any time because I enjoyed my time with him, have great memories, and I did learn quite a bit....but way to assume things as if you knew me. You can think whatever you want....I know what I had with him, and you're just some guy on the internet....whose opinion frankly doesn't mean anything to me. You're just annoying.

PS- I can delete whatever the hell I want, and chose to do so because I did not want my words or pieces of my story on this site any longer because guys like you are just a$ who always think they're right - newsflash: YOU'RE NOT! and you don't know me. I don't need to "get back" at strangers on the internet... it had zero to do with emotions...you kind of sound psychotic? Sorry your lengthy advice got deleted but something tells me I wouldn't want it anyway. If someone can tell me how to delete the account.....that'd be cool

You're just like the majority of people that come on here; think you're something special, come on here to rant, and when people reply with something you don't agree with, that makes them an arrogant asshole.

I take it back, you are an idiot. Now go do something 'worthwhile' like shove your thumb up your ass and live another 6 years completely oblivious to everything around you.

[Cain]

Actually when you label someone, as I was wrongly labeled "hopeless romantic simpleton" or whatever weird name someone came up with...obviously it is personal....otherwise they wouldn't label a person, but rather make a general remark.. And I did not *waste* any time because I enjoyed my time with him, have great memories, and I did learn quite a bit....but way to assume things as if you knew me. You can think whatever you want....I know what I had with him, and you're just some guy on the internet....whose opinion frankly doesn't mean anything to me. You're just annoying.

PS- I can delete whatever the hell I want, and chose to do so because I did not want my words or pieces of my story on this site any longer because guys like you are just a$ who always think they're right - newsflash: YOU'RE NOT! and you don't know me. I don't need to "get back" at strangers on the internet... it had zero to do with emotions...you kind of sound psychotic? Sorry your lengthy advice got deleted but something tells me I wouldn't want it anyway. If someone can tell me how to delete the account.....that'd be cool

Just stop coming to this site.

Yeah, you spent six years with a guy and you enjoyed your time with him... and that's why you have to split up... because HE didn't return that LOVE that you shared with HIM. That's the mistake you made that we're trying to point out. This was a guy who obviously only cares about doing what he wants to do and only goes along with the stuff you want because it makes you happy, and then he drags ass about it so you know he didn't want to do it.

It doesn't take six years to discover that. It's your fault for wasting that time with him. And yes, it is a waste of six years of your life if you knew this problem existed well before the relationship ended and you obviously did because you said he couldn't be changed.

[starbuck]

Cain- To be honest, it was not a "waste" of six years. I don't think I ever said that, and if I did then I most certainly didn't mean it... I've had some amazing times with him over the past 6 years, probably some of the best times of my life, and I don't regret any of them... It's just that I have now reached a point in my life where I have different needs, which I have realized recently he cannot meet. These are not needs I've had for 6 years, so it did not take me 6 years to realize this...I realized this recently, because the needs have been recent, as I've gotten older. Sorry if you misunderstood.

You did say that in your other post (that you deleted) that you felt like you had wasted six years of your life with this guy. But it sounds like you are recognizing that your emotions were making you feel that way. I personally don't think you have wasted time. You're young enough that you still have plenty of time to go out there and find a new relationship. It's fine to cherish the memories of your ex, but also important remember how much of an asshole he could be (he lied and cheated, as you said). You don't have to dwell, but remembering that he was bad for you will help you move on from him.

The best thing to do is to not blame yourself. Don't carry a bag of shame on your shoulders regarding how much time you spent with him. That's not productive at this point. The most important thing to do now is focus on the things you've learned in the relationship like how important it is to recognize when your needs are not getting met early on. And that people are incredibly hard if not impossible to change.

[nickeyd]

Thanks for your advice, Starbuck. You make a lot of valid points and make a lot of sense, and I find your advice helpful. Which is much more than I can say for mean narrow-minded folk who are so immature that they name-call strangers online... That never gets anyone very far in life. Anyway, thanks for what you've offered me Starbuck. I will keep it in mind as I move forward. I won't be checking in anymore, but good luck to all- I'll take the positive & leave the negative. Ciao!

[starbuck]

It's up to you, NickeyD. LF is a good place. Just because you feel you had a bad experience here the first time, doesn't mean you shouldn't come back if you want. There are some people here who are pretty experienced about relationships. And no, they aren't therapists, they won't sugar coat things for you, and they won't hesitate to tell you you're stupid if they think you're doing something stupid. But they will be honest. It's kind of like a jury in a sense.

Personally I'd rather not have things candy coated for me. I want people to be straight up, even if I don't agree with them or don't care for their delivery. If I'm doing something stupid, or thinking in a stupid way, I want to be called out on it. There could be a valuable message in there somewhere, and I don't want to be too thin-skinned to miss it.