I need objective opinions!

[Junket]

I don't frasbee ... this is only the second time I've brought it up in over 400 posts ... we disagreed on the last, and disagree on this i guess. I stand by them both.

Carl.

But even the last person is just some crazy insecure woman. Her link didn't lead anywhere but to a image hosting website with her picture. And if she were trying to sell something she wouldn't have deleted each thread she created, all of which asked if anybody found her attractive.

What the hell is your definition of a troll anyway?

[carl1222]

But out of respect for frasbee and you, let me look back at your posts and try to be useful, Devi.

Aside to Frasbee ... A troll is someone whose post is either an attempt to create a false problem to waste the other posters' time for laughs or someone who uses the forum for commercial gain!

Carl.

[carl1222]

OK ... I read your post and the responses ... I suggest you read Lite's long response and take it to heart. It's spot on!

Carl

[Prodigal]

I think you should leave him. He sounds like bad news. If both of you had been looking at personals pages, and sometimes replying to them, that shows that you're not really satisfied with what you have. Also, if you are looking at his e-mails and he is looking at your history, that is an even more telling sign of your lack of trust for each other. I'm sorry, but nobody should go into your apartment and break your stuff. It's a complete lack of respect. He's volatile, and sounds like an unstable person, to say the least. He is most likely not a healthy person to be in a relationship with.

[Cbrider]

And please consider that, in 10 years, this is the first act of violence towards me or my belongings he has shown.

You need to think about it this way...its the first, that by no means guarantees its the last. Hes 36 years old and struggling with his temper?

Excuse me, but the only time I have ever gotten into a physical altercation with another adult was when I saw a guy hit his girlfriend.

This guy needs help and he needs it now. People with a temper issue don't solve it on their own and a first act of violence always leads to a second one.

[Devi Ambrosia]

I believe that all relationships have low points, and I believe infidelity and trust issues are common. When those things come up, your choice is to leave the person, or try to work through it. We've always decided to work through our problems, and we've had 10 great years because of it.

I don't wish to create the impression that our time together has been nothing but flirting with cheating and mistrusting each other. Most of these 10 years have been loving, healthy, and wonderful.

But . . . he and I are both a little on the crazy side. I've been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, and at one time, I was diagnosed as paranoid delusional due to some issues I was having (that have since subsided). He has not had an "official" diagnosis, but his psychs have thought he was schizophrenic at one time (before I knew him), bipolar, or had obsessive-compulsive disorder. Personally, I think OCD and bipolar disorder fit him spot-on.

His mental state has not been well this year. I haven't wanted to get into the details of that because it's painful and I didn't think it was necessary. But I will say that there has been a definite, noticeable deterioration in his ability to function in reality. This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. He is mentally ill.

We're both a little unstable at times . . . and this is one of those times that he's unstable and I am . . . well, I'm not *as* unstable.

He feels what I did (looking at ads) was worse now than it would normally be, because he's in such a fragile state. He thinks he is not responsible for his actions because I "drove him" to temporary insanity. He thinks his condition is an excuse for his behavior. *I* think we are always responsible for our actions, especially when damage to another person's property has occurred.

But in spite of this drama and dysfunction, I love him, I worry about him, and I want him to be okay.

I can't help myself from wondering if he's right, even though I really strongly believe the opposite. Is what I did worse because of what he's going through? Should he be held accountable for a violent outburst if he is mentally ill?

My god, this should be a Greek tragedy. I've never really seen this story of mine in print like this . . . it's a little off-putting.

Thank you all for your help.

[vashti]

With such a laundry list of psychiatric disorders, I don't know how anyone could expect "normal" behavior out of him. However, I can't imagine why you insist on clinging to such an unstable foundation. I believe most people would be running for the hills. Seriously, I believe you would benefit from some intensive therapy.

And no, I don't think you should consider your level of commitment to this man to be some sort of badge of honor, in case you were thinking it would reflect well on your character. It is never a good thing when people cast aside common sense and their own well-being in the name of love and/or commitment.

[Devi Ambrosia]

In the interest of fairness, we BOTH have psychiatric issues. His are more extreme, to be sure, but I am not a saint.

Not that the 10 years is a "badge of honor," but I do think it is evidence that the relationship *has* been working. Most of these years, the relationship has been easy to maintain and relatively trouble-free. There are a lot of common relationship issues that we have *never* had to face. I DO think that means something!

Did you read my post in which I said I've had years of therapy already? I've been to psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists alike. So has he.

Isn't there anyone on this forum with a deeper understanding of mental illness? Has anyone been in a relationship with someone who has psychotic episodes? I need help dealing with this!

I will not leave him right now. That is not an option. He needs help and support, and there is no one else in his life. At the same time, I will not be a passive victim and let him destroy my life. Right now, he is not welcome in my home. I don't know what else I should do. Thank god we don't live together.

I also believe most people would be running for the hills. I don't think most people would be willing to work through a lot of this stuff. And it's certainly not like I haven't considered this. But I won't leave him right now.

Common sense suggests that this is not a healthy situation and that I should not subject myself to this. But I know our history. I know who we are. And based on that, common sense also suggests that the relationship is still worth saving. I believe it is worth saving. I believe HE is worth saving. I just don't know how, or if it's actually possible. It hurts.

What do you do when the man you love, the love of your life, goes insane?

[vashti]

You can't fix him. You can only wait until he stops having a psychotic episode. There is no way to fix your problem, but meds might help.

[Devi Ambrosia]

Yeah, I know I can't fix him. I'm not trying to. I'm trying to *help* him.

He is on meds. He's been on meds the whole time. He takes an antipsychotic and 2 anti-anxiety drugs. He's been taking them all for a long time. But this is all still happening.

His violent display in my apartment was an episode, for sure . . . but it's not the only one there's been. That was the only one that was violent. Others episodes have exhibited different behaviors, none of which have been physically threatening to me or my belongings. Most of the episodes involve him hallucinating, getting confused about what is really happening, and speaking incoherently. Anyone familiar with the term "word salad?"

It seems like this thread's topic is getting a little skewed.

Should a mentally ill person be held accountable for a psychotic episode in which he damaged someone's property?

[Prodigal]

To answer your question: No, he shouldn't be held accountable, but like vashti said, you can't fix him. As someone who has friends who have been unstable [I had a friend who had paranoid schizophrenia], a person can only fix themselves. Just like you can't force someone to have feelings for you, you can't force them to be better. My advice is to stay away from him for your own good. You know when you talk to someone who's really depressed, and it kinda makes you depressed too? It's sort of like that. His instability might make you unstable. My exact problem that I had was with wanting to fix somebody. You can't fix somebody for them. All you can do is be a good influence for them. But honestly, if you've been there for him for 10 years, and he's still the same way, he may need to go to a professional. I know it isn't what you want to hear, but really, if I just told you what you wanted to hear it wouldn't help you at all.

Besides, you've tried to help him for this long. How is being in a relationship with him helping him?

[Devi Ambrosia]

Thank you, Prodigal.

The thing is . . . it's not that he's still the same way, it's that he's gotten *worse*. A LOT worse. I've never seen him like this before.

I know what you mean about his state of mind affecting my own. That is absolutely true. All of this affects me.

He *has* seen professionals, for years. Though, his last 2 psychs have been primarily for medication maintenance. When his insurance lapses at the end of this month, we plan on getting him into our local MHMR facility (because they won't admit you if you have insurance).

I've never had to deal with this sort of thing before. I don't know how to help him. And I love him so much . . . how can I leave him when he's at the lowest point of his life?

Am I enabling him by staying with him? Am I making things worse?

He is currently in a disabled state. He lost his job and seems incapable of finding a new one, or keeping one if he did. He is broke. He is alone. His 2 cats died this year, them being his only daily companions. I'm the only support system he has.

Someone has to help him simply stay alive. Someone has to fill out paperwork for him. Someone has to help him get some financial assistance. Someone has to make sure things get done, because left on his own, he can't. Someone has to HELP HIM. And I'm the only one there is.

I think the topic here has swayed, and I think *this* topic might be better left to a forum dedicated to mental illness rather than general relationship issues. Anyone have any leads?

[Prodigal]

I agree that this may be something more apt on a mental illness page. But how it relates to your relationship: now it appears that your reason for staying with him is because you have to help him do this stuff so he stays alive. Sounds like pity to me. I don't know if you're making it better or worse for him, I don't know him and I can't really give an opinion on that.

What I DO know, though, is that this whole situation has made YOU worse. I had to learn this: you have to be selfish sometimes. Staying in a relationship for a reason like yours is just asking for trouble. It probably won't make him better, and it's just going to make it worse. You can be there for him without being in a relationship with him.

[shootingstar]

Well hopefully i dont bore anyone with this story but ill share it anyway even though its not half as interesting and complicated as others on this site..

Recently i went on holidays to phuket for 3 weeks and met a girl who's name is alexandra.. it may be very very early to say this but ive never felt this way about someone.. maybe for once i had slight belief in the theory of love at first sight, she was just perfect, everything about her.. Her personality, beautiful smile, adoring laugh, enthusiasm and determination towards life.. i have never in my life met a girl like this.. and i know 3 weeks doesnt seem like a very convincing amount of time, but ive never felt this about a girl.. for the first time in my life i found someone who i really feel passionately about.. we both knew something was forming between the both of us.. it was a constant case of obvious hints and flirting

on my last night we had dinner and drinks by the beach.. And she told me how every year she comes to the same resort at the same time with her family.. we exchanged email addresses and phone numbers and early next morning i left back to australia.. But the part which hurts the most is that i never got to tell her how i felt.. and i still cant stop thinking about her...

I need help, is she worth chasing or is this just something i should leave.. I feel like i would travel half way across the world to see her smile again.. is this just another love story.. is it even love?? i dont even know if i have even experienced love yet.. i know the time getting to know her was short.. but those 3 weeks were the best 3 weeks of my life..

[Bo]

i don't think he should have trashed your whole apartment and he most definitely needs to apologize. but u need to stop looking at that shit even if u did not send messages and things.....it's the thought that counts right?