I need objective opinions!

[Devi Ambrosia]

I'm new to this site (just joined today). You can see my initial post in the "introduction" forum.

I need to know what people think about a rather dramatic scenario. Here's the (rather lengthy) story:

My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years. We met when I was 16 and he was 26. This is, to date, the only truly monogamous relationship I've ever had. But, in the early years of our relationship, we had a few nasty fights that left me feeling insecure. My response to the insecurity was to flirt with other people over the internet. Three times in the course of 5 years or so, I posted personal ads on dating sites. He found out every time, we fought, I apologized, and we moved on.

In 2003, we broke up for 6 months. During our breakup, he began dating, aided by the use of a phone dating service (which is, coincidentally, how I met him). When we got back together, he continued to use this chatline, unbeknown to me, even after we'd decided we loved each other and wanted to be exclusive again. He went as far as to exchanged emails and phonecalls with a particular girl.

Feeling that something was off between us, I rummaged through his email, specifically looking for conversations with other women. I found his correspondence with this other girl. Before I found the emails, he had already told this girl he'd found someone special and never talked to her again. Nevertheless, I was pretty upset by it. I waited for a few hours for him to come home. When he did, I confronted him about it rather civilly, asking for an explanation.

His response was to get enraged that I had read his emails. I apologized repeatedly for that, and I've never looked at his emails again. He told me that he had been trying to replace me before he broke up with me, but changed his mind. That broke my heart. He never apologized, not for 5 years. Every time I brought it up, he refused to admit that trying to replace me was even *as bad* as reading his emails. Never apologized.

Now, 2008 has been a rather trying time in our relationship. There have been many trials and a lot of stress and fighting. The details are too much to explain.

This past week, we had a fight that lasted 5 days. Two of those days (consecutively) we didn't even talk, though I tried to get in touch with him (he just didn't call me back). On Thursday, the last day of the fight, I was angry, frustrated, and insecure. So . . . I went and looked at some lesbian personal ads. I did not post an ad. I did not sign up on any personals sites. I did not send anyone a message. I spent about 15 minutes looking at ads, then stopped because I felt bad about what I was doing. It wasn't right of me, but I did it.

The next day, he went through my computer's history and found out what I'd done. He called me while I was at school, frantic, and asked me to come home and talk to him. I left as soon as I could, which was about 30 minutes after we talked.

In those 30 minutes, he left me several incoherent messages in which he was crying and saying a lot of horrible things to me, the worst of which was him telling me he hated me and that I was no longer a part of his life.

When I got home, he was not there, but he had pretty much trashed my apartment. He had thrown an ashtray into the wall, spilling cigarette butts on my couch and leaving an impressive dent in the wall. He had thrown away some dried roses I had saved since he gave them to me 3 or 4 years ago. He had thrown my glass bong outside, leaving broken glass EVERYWHERE, where any of my neighbors could see, or any child or animal could walk on and hurt themselves. He knocked over and broke a side table, knocking over everything on it and breaking some of it.

In one of the messages he left, he said his life was over and he wanted to die. That along with his violent reaction to me looking at personal ads, made me rather worried about him. So, when he wasn't at my place, I drove to his place to find him. When he wasn't there, I drove to his parent's house, as another message had told me he would be going there. He wasn't there, but his mom called him and he came over. There's no time to get into THAT dramatic confrontation.

I apologized profusely and repeatedly for what I'd done, and asked humbly for his forgiveness. He eventually settled down, and we began to patch things up.

Now, he has not apologized for destroying my property and damaging my belongings. He does not feel he was wrong to do that, and he feels the reaction was warranted. He says I "deserved to be punished."

I am of the mind that it is NEVER okay to damage someone's property, for ANY reason. And being that when he was talking to a real person, admittedly trying to replace me, I did not break his stuff, but instead talked to him about it civilly . . . I really wonder why he thinks what he did was okay.

He refuses to apologize. He refuses to come clean up the mess he made. I cleaned up the broken glass myself, but I haven't touched the disaster inside. He believes he was right to react that way because I have a "history" of this type of behavior. Really, though, I think 4 times of looking at ads over 10 years is pretty good, seeing as though I met him when I was 16 and immature (oh, and the fact that I never *actually* cheated on him, not once).

I need some objective opinions from non-biased 3rd parties on this issue. I assure you I have presented this story completely honestly and as impartially as I am capable, and I don't believe I've left out anything that matters.

So . . . what do you think? Was he right to destroy my possessions? Is an apology in order?

Thanks for reading this long mess of a post, and thank you in advance for your responses.


~ Devi

[Lite]

Right, so he's controlling, manipulative, and insecure. Why else do you think a 26 year-old dates a 16 year-old? He apparently has a violent streak. How long until that carries over into him hitting you when he's angry?

Basically he had no right to destroy your possessions. You need to build a new and better life for yourself, and look into the reasons why you felt the need to date someone 10 years older than you.

[Devi Ambrosia]

Hmm . . . I knew a reply like that was just around the corner.

Please consider that we have maintained a loving relationship for 10 years, which is longer than a lot of marriages last. I'm interested in preserving it.

He has never even come close to hitting me, and I do believe he never will. This year has been tough for us, particularly for him, and it has taken a toll on his mental state. Not that I'm defending what he did.

I have always dated people older than me, because people my own age were generally pretty STUPID. And I should point out (though it embarrasses me to do so), that when we met, I told him I was 18. He didn't find out about that until I *actually* turned 18 (when he thought I was turning 20). He is not a scumbag that preys on young girls. He was apprehensive about developing a relationship with me when he thought I was 18! But we fell in love hard and fast in spite of the 11-year age gap (he's 10 years and 10 months older). And it's lasted for a decade. The age difference has rarely been an issue. We are intellectual equals.

Thank you for your response. Of course I do agree that he had no right to destroy my belongings.

[Junket]

Just 'cause you looked at some personals?

First of all you should've known to delete that shit.

Second of all, he's a wackjob.

[Lite]

The age difference has rarely been an issue. We are intellectual equals.

Thank you for your response. Of course I do agree that he had no right to destroy my belongings.

So, you've just told us that there's almost 11 years difference in age instead of 10, and that the relationship existed based upon a lie about your age. Pretty much you started dating at a time when you were not fully emotionally developed. And, if he was interested in someone so far below his age, it's a good chance that he wasn't either. So if you're now equals, it means that you've grown a lot in 10 years, and he's maybe grown some?

Sorry, your argument does not ring true. What was it in your life that prompted you to want to date someone so much older? Most often when I encounter such a situation, there was a bad home life involved and the "older man" tended to be some sort of implied stability in an otherwise chaotic life.

As for whether or not he'd hit you? He apparently does not value you enough to value your belongings being intact. His response was to immediately lash out and retaliate against you. Suggests anger and impulse issues at best.

Now, let's go over this shall we? He mistrusts you enough to snoop on you. Regardless of what you were actually doing, it's a good sign that he's concerned about controlling and manipulating you long-term. That's the great thing about starting to date someone so young, they don't know better. That should be a breaking line for you right there. Feel bad that you were looking and having doubts, why? You didn't post a want ad. You were looking, and you know sometimes people do that.

So, then he goes and snoops on you, and punishes YOU by breaking YOUR possessions, and demanding you come home immediately. That's controlling behavior. It also means he doesn't respect you.

If him destroying your possessions isn't enough of a trigger to tell you that something is very wrong with the relationship, then I'd suggest that maybe you need therapy and perhaps a clearer perspective on what is and is not acceptable in a healthy relationship. If you think that him destroying your possessions isn't a stepping stone to physical abuse, you should probably do some more reading on the subject.

So, yeah, you looked. But most of the problems are his and caused by him. Your problem is not identifying his bullshit behavior and calling him on it.

For someone who claims to be an intellectual, you seem low on personal development education and general psychology. Most people who are intellectuals don't really need to try and point that out. It sounds more like boys/men your age at the time were immature, not stupid. But, you failed to differentiate between the two. What was it that forced you to mature so quickly?

I keep feeling like you've left out large details about your personal life, and as such it paints an incomplete picture about your decision making process.

[vashti]

I don't think anyone was questioning YOUR maturity, but rather HIS. 26 year old men shouldn't have anything at all in common with 16 year old kids, and the fact that he did is indicative of his immaturity. Now that you are older, you should be able to recognize a lot of other immature behaviors to go along with it.

I think you are simply outgrowing him, and it is only a matter of time before he loses his temper again and is destructive.

Is this really the life you aspire to? Don't you think you can do any better?

[Devi Ambrosia]

Oh, by all means, I'm a complete mess, psychologically. I freely admit that. Most people have their issues and neurosis, and I've got a little more than most. So does he.

My history is pretty textbook. My parents divorced when I was 12. My father was physically and emotionally abusive all my life. I grew up fast, was promiscuous in my teenage years. My school years were littered with abuse from my peers, as I grew up fat. And I've had years of therapy for all this.

His story is similar. His parents and sister were emotionally and physically abusive (but his parents are still together). He endured abuse by his peers, too. The big difference is that he was never promiscuous (I'm the 3rd person he's ever slept with). And he's had even more years of therapy for all that.

But, even so, we've managed to make this relationship work for 10 years, and I think that says something. And please consider that, in 10 years, this is the first act of violence towards me or my belongings he has shown.

I am willing to accept that people change, and he may be changing for the worse. I am on full alert for this. Believe me, I am NOT brushing off what he's done, and I absolutely HAVE called him on it. I believe he was wrong. But, sometimes you have to run things by other people before you're entirely sure. Sometimes relationships are confusing.

When we met, I did not intend to have a relationship with this man. Nor did he. We talked and we liked each other, and we went on a date. Yeah, I lied about my age because I was a messed-up 16 year old. And let me reiterate, he was apprehensive about getting involved with me when he only thought I was 18. But we fit together. It made sense. It worked.

I agree with your assessment of the severity of his reaction. I do think it is cause for grave concern. But, at the same time, I love this man, and I am committed to him. And I think the fact that he reacted so violently when he has never been a violent person is a warning that something is wrong with him, and this worries me, because whatever the case, I want him to be well.

Now, I didn't claim to be "an intellectual." I said that he and I were intellectual equals. And I stand by my statement that most people are pretty stupid when they're 16.

I do believe the age difference is not really the issue here.

Thank you for your thoughtful response.


~ Devi

[Devi Ambrosia]

That is certainly something to think about, Vashti.

[vashti]

I should add that if you were to meet another (mature) man his age now that you are 26, the age gap would be meaningless. It is/was only a problem because you were so young initially. You are just growing up, and it doesn't sound like he is.

[carl1222]

Am I the only one whose troll radar was triggered by her series of posts in this thread???

I think we're being had here, all.

Carl.

[Devi Ambrosia]

Um . . . seriously? Troll?

I realize the story is rather . . . dysfunctional . . . but I assure you it's all true.

I do have other posts that aren't a part of this thread, by the way.

[Junket]

Am I the only one whose troll radar was triggered by her series of posts in this thread???

I think we're being had here, all.

Carl.

Why do you think everyone is a troll?

[carl1222]

Why do you think everyone is a troll?

I don't frasbee ... this is only the second time I've brought it up in over 400 posts ... we disagreed on the last, and disagree on this i guess. I stand by them both.

Carl.

[Devi Ambrosia]

Let the record show that I am not a troll!

[carl1222]

Let the record show that I am not a troll!

Devi ... I know I may be wrong ... we all respond with our impressions unfiltered, that's what makes this site so great ... I gave my opinion ... Frasbee objected. You know the truth ... so you can say f**k carl, I know who i am.

Carl.