Drunken Stupidity...

[excowho]

So you don't like talking with him because as you say above you can't.
There isn't much of a physical relationship because its a long distance relationship.
And he often causes you frustration and grief.

....do I even need to say what's next?

[DisN_Dat]

why r u still in a LDR after 4 years?

Well, the best assessment I can give is the term Stockholm Syndrome. The way that mentality is played is they push boundaries and inflict cruelty until they sense you are on the brink, then they reel you back in with a tiny snippet, a crumb if you will of kindness...just enough to keep you there. Those glimpses of the good guy I met four years ago keep me hanging onto hope, but soon the mask falls off, and again he pulls some boner move that slaps me back into reality. He also has some health problems, and they get pulled outta the bag as leverage whenever he can't project successfully enough. As time goes on, I feel less and less sympathetic to his crybaby poor pitiful me shyat. I never wanted children and I'm certainly not prepared to wipe a 56 year old's ass either. An LDR makes things easier to overlook and forgive, but good Gawd, there are limits. Also, because I do have some morals, I've always been given that mentality that kicking someone to the curb isn't done with Dear John emails or texts, and with his poor me or just plain not picking up what I'm trying to put down attitude, breaking up by phone isn't the easiest proposition either. Any suggestions how you deal with someone like that? I don't want to hear another blame game or rage attack, so is it ever OK to just walk away without explanation?

[The_bobb]

I think what Love meant by the question was. Why is it STILL an LDR after 4 years? 4 years is quite a long time to sustain a LDR, especially at your age. So why hasn't either one of you made progress to move closer?

[DisN_Dat]

I think what Love meant by the question was. Why is it STILL an LDR after 4 years? 4 years is quite a long time to sustain a LDR, especially at your age. So why hasn't either one of you made progress to move closer?

Because from what I've seen in him, I'm not prepared to pull up stakes and end up in podunk North Carolina tied to a selfish SOB...is that more on the mark? LOL! I have always been the one expected to make concessions, and stupidly, I allowed it. I don't want to commit to a relationship where I'm doing all the giving.

There have been breakups before, but I forgave...just didn't forget. Unfortunately, it seems that rather than learning lessons, he seems to have learned how to install more buttons to push. I'm guilty of continuing on, forgiving too much, second, third, fourth chances...being too lax about it, and that's my bad... I can't really blame him for that. Up to this last trick though, I did trust him, but those statements left me with my trust shaken and that's the place I'm left in now. I never wanted to make enemies or loose a friend, but my friends don't treat me with disrespect.

[DisN_Dat]

someone local (who also has a sweet Minnesota accent.)

LOL! Yah, You Betcha!

[The_bobb]

...Because from what I've seen in him, I'm not prepared to pull up stakes and end up in podunk North Carolina tied to a selfish SOB...

Alright, right there. When you made this decision, was the exact point in time when you should have ended the relationship.

How long ago did you finally say to yourself, "This dude sucks"? Because if it was years ago, well darling, YOU wasted the other years that you stayed in a relationship you KNEW wasn't going anywhere.

You can't the blame the guy for your inability to leave. From what i've read in your posts, you've known this guy is a dick for awhile. So why stay for 4 years?

I'd cut your losses and move on. Because even Ray Charles could see, this relationship is doomed. It's up to you if you want to let it suck up another 4 years.

[lovesjoyajm]

someone local (who also has a sweet Minnesota accent.)

LOL! Yah, You Betcha!

Can't throw in a "donchaknow" without someone picking up on it, specially when that someone has a great love for Minnesota and Wisconsin accents.

[DisN_Dat]

Alright, right there. When you made this decision, was the exact point in time when you should have ended the relationship.

How long ago did you finally say to yourself, "This dude sucks"? Because if it was years ago, well darling, YOU wasted the other years that you stayed in a relationship you KNEW wasn't going anywhere.

You can't the blame the guy for your inability to leave. From what i've read in your posts, you've known this guy is a dick for awhile. So why stay for 4 years?

I'd cut your losses and move on. Because even Ray Charles could see, this relationship is doomed. It's up to you if you want to let it suck up another 4 years.

I couldn't agree more, but now I'm left with how do I get this message through to him? I've been raised as a nice girl, and nice girls don't tell someone to F off with emails and texts. Otherwise, he'll rationalize and rage about it in conversation. I need to go, but I hate feeling I've hurt people. Unfortunately, I'm at the point, neither of us is moving on or growing in this thing, and i feel like continuing is just hurting us both, but I can't continue this way. He'll play the cards again, and throw out hope for a future with professions of undying love, but this just isn't working for me. Frankly, he's seemed happy keeping up the relationship as it's been, but the status quo just isn't doing it. I've been an easy source of supply for his need to have his ego stroked, but my ego has had to take a bruising for it for too long. Is there ever an easy way to let someone down? He's become more of a habit at this point...something familiar, and always out there but not satisfactory as far as sustaining a loving relationship. He has a strong personality, and having to deal with the freak outs or rages shuts down a real conversation mighty fast. I just don't want rationalizations to get in the way of the realizations.

[Aeradalia]

how do I get this message through to him?

It's easy... you tell him it's over, name off a few reasons why if you'd like, tell him reconciliation is not possible, and cut all communication with him. Don't let it linger... don't give him a chance to try to 'convince' you... don't give him any leverage against you at all.

When it's over... HE doesn't matter anymore. So you don't have to 'give' him any more of your time.

[The_bobb]

...Unfortunately, I'm at the point, neither of us is moving on or growing in this thing, and i feel like continuing is just hurting us both, but I can't continue this way...

Tell him this is exact same thing. Make it quick. Practice it before you call. Don't trip over your own words. It'll show weakness. Just call him up say that line. Then at the end add in, "So this is it, we're done. Lose my number. There's no way you can change my mind." Then hang up, erase his number and any other contact information you have for him. And just walk away. Don't talk to him. If you talk to him, you'll probably give into to his bullshit again.

After this point, what happens to him is NONE of your god damn concern. And the second you hang up the phone, start enjoying your life. For the first time in 4 years.

[DisN_Dat]

Can't throw in a "donchaknow" without someone picking up on it, specially when that someone has a great love for Minnesota and Wisconsin accents.

Tru Dat! Actually I'm a Colorado girl who is now a Tucson AZ transplant with a decidedly western drawl, but I have relatives in the land of ten thousand lakes so occasionally their influence comes out, and I've always loved that "donchaknow" thing. Kinda says it all sometimes.

[DisN_Dat]

Tell him this is exact same thing. Make it quick. Practice it before you call. Don't trip over your own words. It'll show weakness. Just call him up say that line. Then at the end add in, "So this is it, we're done. Lose my number. There's no way you can change my mind." Then hang up, erase his number and any other contact information you have for him. And just walk away. Don't talk to him. If you talk to him, you'll probably give into to his bullshit again.

After this point, what happens to him is NONE of your god damn concern. And the second you hang up the phone, start enjoying your life. For the first time in 4 years.

I spose that works better in theory than in practice. I gotta suck it up and get real though, and as the saying goes, the only way around it is through it. If the lion mauls your leg, you can't keep going back to count his teeth...you just end up lunch, and I've kept going back to count for too long. I'll likely talk to him tonight, so when y'all see the blue smoke and nuclear cloud coming from the general direction of the great Sonoran desert, you'll know it happened...I'll post back later, and thanks everyone...sometimes I just need validation from others that that my instincts are still hitting on the gears.

[The_bobb]

Good Luck! Let us know how it goes.

Remember, be strong and make sure you look out for Numero Uno. (that's you)

[DisN_Dat]

Well, looks like the weather Gods are against me. He's apparently getting those storms, and when there is rain or winds, his land line phone, computer etc goes out. He has one of those metal roofs, so he doesn't get cell reception when he's home and he keeps it off till he gets to work...and I don't think that is a conversation to involve him in at work. Effin' storms are expected to last through the weekend there, so all I can do is keep trying and hope the phone is working soon. GRRRRRRR....

[excowho]

He has one of those metal roofs, so he doesn't get cell reception when he's home

Wait what?
I know for a scientific fact that a metal roof will not act as a faraday cage. Unless it wraps around the entire house and is the proper metal.
Its possible he has shitty reception I get that in my house to.
But it is far more likely due to where he's located in relation to a cell tower. I'll tell you right now its not the metal roof causing it.