The Ex Factor

[misombra]

omg i have a song for this...

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ct2LUz5Fhsc"]YouTube - Cars - My best friends girl 1978[/ame]

well, i don't think it's that big of a deal. his ego was injured when his girlfriend left him for his friend or whatever. and then to add to it he has to see her all the time. it's like waving a nice piece of steak in a dogs face.

but i think that he would be the stupidest man alive to actually entertain ideas of being with her over you. he probably wants to hurt her the way she hurt him. you never left him for his friend and you've been very loyal and generous to him.

if he is a good guy he will figure all this out on his own and recognize.

[CocoChanel]

Dang blue. I really don't think you are over reacting. That could be because I'm bitter. ROFL! But even if I weren't a little sour right now... I wouldn't think you are overreacting. I am close with an ex of mine. But only because he is my brother's best friend. Which was a major mistake.

[bluesummer]

I don't doubt for a second that he actually loves me very much. He tells me every day, he shows me.

I just think it's wrong to go into a marriage when you might still have a little tiny thing for someone you can never have. I think he's been getting better about it, but it's still not GONE. Maybe it's going to take awhile.

I had a similar issue when we first got together, but I took ownership of what I was feeling and eradicated it within months.

[Gigabitch]

The way I see it, if he's even a little bit hers, he's not really yours. That's fine for dating. Even cohabitating. It's not fine for marriage.

[misombra]

why is it different for marriage? the government isn't gonna know. god might though.

[IndiReloaded]

Seriously, though. Guys, are any of you THAT close to an ex-girlfriend? Would you keep an ex that close and then freak out at the person you supposedly love for asking why you're so close?

Hey Blue, I'm putting a reply in the other place so we can compare notes.

[Gigabitch]

why is it different for marriage? the government isn't gonna know. god might though.

For me, marriage isn't just a piece of paper you get from the government.

[misombra]

marriage is a fuking joke. i'm sorry if i sound bitter about it. it irritates me all the problems it causes between two people. and it really irritates me that not all couples have the right to marry. but that's another rant.

what is happening with bsummer is an enormous problem and would be for any couple, married or not. it's aggravated by this deadline for him to get over it. it's not going to happen. there. i said it. he'll probably have these feelings for a long long time. if it turns into a big thing, he will just get better at faking it. people are human and they start fantasizing about things they can never have and then usually they wake the fuk up one day start changing their mind. has anybody here ever been dumped for their best friend? i haven't, but i imagine it's really hard and traumatizing. like i said before, he probably fantasizes about a chance to get back at her, and dump her for you or something.

if you start thinking about going into a marriage like this or that it will never end. both people go into it the same people they were before.

he obviously doesn't want to get rid of this friend. you can either deal with it or break the thing off. but you'll have to choice for yourself, because you're not going to change him.

imo, the problem has to do with insecurity because of the way you treated in your last marriage. you could see this as an opportunity to learn more about yourselves and each other and work through it. if both of you are willing, which i think you are, then you can do it. times get hard whether you're in a marriage or not and you have to work shit out. he hasn't cheated on you. he doesn't give you any reason to believe he will. it's really your choice. he's made up his mind. she's staying.

[bluesummer]

I believe it's something we can work through. Like I said, there's no doubt in my mind that he loves me and I'm number one. I don't think I'm a consolation prize, I don't think he's using me to hurt her, and I know he wouldn't cheat on me or leave me on my ass if she suddenly became single.

He just needs to learn how to let go of the past - and not just with her. He dwells on things. He keeps all his mementos from past relationships, where I've thrown mine away. What I'm trying to decipher is how much of this IS my own insecurity, and how much is him acting in a way that may be inappropriate.

I've told him I've scheduled counselling, and he was okay with it. He will go too, if I ask him to.

[aznprincess]

I d think that shes still attached to her ex because you wouldnt think of sending them mails if you dont care anymore. I think that shes not hiding anything from you though since she knows you would see the recipients. Try and confront her in a casual way..