Give Advice, Don't Judge

[taichi]

raza86, when did this incident happened?
5 yrs relationship, i believed that your relationship is stable and both of you are known to each other.
women is difficult to understand, try not using men's logic to think from her angle. you should think from her angle using women's thinking.

before doing any thing, just answer these questions. are you still love her? do you put her as your only candidate in your marriage? if no, then you can walk out from her without further thought. then, why you still suffering in thinking the way to understand the situation.

if yes, then continue.
then you need to look out some ways in rescue your relationship.
how to give her confident back? by promising is not enough. you need to act it out... to show you are sincere in having relationship with her.
by guessing what she thinking about is totally prohibited. this is because you are never know what she is thinking about...
then, how can you know what she thinking about? the answer will be very simple >> ask her directly.

the only channel to know the reason is from her mouth. remember that human is complex, communication is a very very important tools to understand each other and to build a healthy relationship.

Meet her up, text her are the way in communication... i personally prefer talking face to face... this is because both of you can look for each other and notice your emotion, facial expression [body language]

sitting down there and think about it is not effective, take up the phone and call her up. to DISCUSS this issue calmly and openly to her...

TAKE ACTION always the better choice than sitting there and think [do nothing]

[stilldoubting]

why do some people on this forum assume everyone is bad or insecure or an attention whore or playing games. I would think after 5 years together its a bit more complicated than that. I agree that she is probably confused and hurting and craves him which is why she still meets him for sex but right now does not trust him so is unwilling to open her heart to him

[Wakeup]

why do some people on this forum assume everyone is bad or insecure or an attention whore or playing games. I would think after 5 years together its a bit more complicated than that. I agree that she is probably confused and hurting and craves him which is why she still meets him for sex but right now does not trust him so is unwilling to open her heart to him

You say that like its a good thing when all it is is codependence or fear of being alone. The person who does the breaking up has made a decision to no longer have that person in their life. If she didn't actually want to break up with him then she shouldn't have. Is it because of your young age that you don't see the problem with what she is doing to him? If she's confused and hurting then she should sit down with him, tell him she made a mistake and can they work on their relationship as a couple rather then playing him like a fiddle. If she craves him, then the worse thing he could do is give into her craving because by doing so, he enables her to not have to actually resume their relationship. It's very clear.

[HeartIsAching]

why do some people on this forum assume everyone is bad or insecure or an attention whore or playing games. I would think after 5 years together its a bit more complicated than that. I agree that she is probably confused and hurting and craves him which is why she still meets him for sex but right now does not trust him so is unwilling to open her heart to him

Because her behavior is CAUSED by her being an insecure attention whore.

Were my wife an hour late coming home from work, I would be worried about her safety, not thinking she's out bangin' some other dude. Were she to come home and say "I had some guy give me his number today" I'd lol. The assumption of guilt shows she's insecure. The continuing to contact him when she's broken up with him over stupid stuff shows she's craving his attention.

Duh.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

go and find friends.

if i remember correctly you spent 5years with this girl? backup this is not some petty immature attention whore who he dated for a month. telling her he f**ked another girl when he didnt will not do anything to help this situation. it will just break her heart and crush her confidence. you are one asshole if you would do that to a girl you love just to mess with her head..

believe it or not-this girl IS hurting. shes coming back for sex coz shes not ready to let go she loves him BUT she is not sure whether she can trust or believe him. shes confused just like he is

its not black and white

I don't care if she's hurting. That doesn't excuse what she's doing. She doesn't want him anymore, fine. Leave him alone. Instead she's just making sure he's still eating whatever crumbs she drops. Doesn't matter how long they dated, she's still an attention whore.

What I suggested will help the situation because she'll have to shit or get off the pot. BOOM. Situation over. I know it's not black and white. My advice makes things black and white. It's not just to mess with her head. It's to force a decision out of her, since she isn't capable of making one without a push.

[raza86]

Thanks to all of you...seriously having opinions helps a lot. I really appreciate it. So she texted yesterday inviting me for coffee, i turned her down and said i don't want to play games anymore...i said..either take it all or leave.. I guess she didn't like it and hasn't respond.. Makes no difference to me anymore, even though I love her i know it is for the best. Thanks

[taichi]

raza, both of you need an effective communication. peaceful talk will allow you and your partner to solve the issue. sometimes, the discussion may bring out some good and nice memory that experienced by both of you. do try to work it out... Good Luck!!

[michelle23]

I don't care if she's hurting. That doesn't excuse what she's doing. She doesn't want him anymore, fine. Leave him alone. Instead she's just making sure he's still eating whatever crumbs she drops. Doesn't matter how long they dated, she's still an attention whore.

What I suggested will help the situation because she'll have to shit or get off the pot. BOOM. Situation over. I know it's not black and white. My advice makes things black and white. It's not just to mess with her head. It's to force a decision out of her, since she isn't capable of making one without a push.

Yes I completely get what you are saying and I agree. All I am saying is I doubt she is intentionally playing games or trying to mess with his head. Its not a girl he dated for a month who said today I want to be with you and then tomorrow changes her mind and then comes back looking for sex only to tell him to leave her alone again afterwards.. I honestly think she is confused and doesnt know how to deal with this situation but you are right her way of handling it IS wrong

And I think it would be wrong to hurt a girl he has loved for so long by telling her he has f**ked someone else when he hasn't.

[michelle23]

Thanks to all of you...seriously having opinions helps a lot. I really appreciate it. So she texted yesterday inviting me for coffee, i turned her down and said i don't want to play games anymore...i said..either take it all or leave.. I guess she didn't like it and hasn't respond.. Makes no difference to me anymore, even though I love her i know it is for the best. Thanks

Well done Raza. You are doing the right thing. If I found a number in my bf pocket, I would sit him down and ask him why does he have this? and why didn't he throw it away? I know him long enough and trust him enough to assume that he would be honest with me. And I think I would be able to tell by his reaction if he was telling the truth or not.. That should be enough for your girl but its not.. There is nothing else you can do. If you and she never had trust issues before than her reaction is really OTT

[raza86]

Hey thanks again and I will try to answer you all..Well taichi I do love her a lot...and yes she is the one i picture myself with, married and with a family. This happened Sep. 2012 it is almost a year already and yes i have tried with actions not just words...but she seems she doesn't care.. I mean she says she still loves me and she is afraid she will not find a guy like me...those were her words..But then i told her not to be afraid to try again if she loves me..because maybe she will regret it later. she said she doesn't know. I told her i understand that but then don't call me for sex or anything else...if she is going to call is because she is ready to talk and discuss it to find a solution to this. I told her i will not wait years for her....I have asked her if she needs time and she says she wants me gone..i have told her i can give her time to think things and decide what she wants...she says no.. So as right now i will not respond anything from her.

[TablesandChairs]

OP, you're doing the only logical thing to do; you have placed the ball firmly in her court; you've explained that a) you want to be with her but b) not as a booty call. I think that's fair enough. She's said 'no' - maybe she thinks you will always come running so maybe once you stop, she'll realize that she might actually lose you and actually do something about it. You have to play a bit of hard ball with her otherwise she'll continue as she has been - if she wants you out of her life, you'll know because you'll never hear from her again. If she texts you every so often, you'll know she's playing games. However, if she actually gets to the point where she wants to talk and sort things out, you have a chance at a relationship. Until then, go no contact and see what transpires.

[Jffs24]

People play games to get the upper hand and control others. If she can't control you, she won't want you.