Choi's Problem

[vashti]

I think you should delay the move until you have made some peace with the decision.

[Junket]

I think you should delay the move until you have made some peace with the decision.

Catch 22.

I feel like the relationship has begun to deteriorate as a result of the distance.

We're closer, but we're still not close.

The financial stress, and job dissatisfaction is creeping into our relationship.

The "all or nothing" aspect of our relationship sucks too. Just like it did before when I visited her in NOLA from Philly. It's several days of just hanging around doing pretty much everything together. I mean, I'm not spending 30-40 dollars in gas (alone), to not spend that time with her.

Who else is comprehending this?

Where's Tiay?

[Gigabitch]

I'm comprehending this. I think you have to have a SOLID plan for being together, not something you're contemplating, not something you might do. Otherwise, your entire relationship is hanging from a thread.

You are the one having second thoughts, here. Why?

[squirrley]

Im comprehending this too! Ive been there somewhat. So it ultimately comes down to what you want for you future! What are you willing to do and sacrfice? And or not give up?

[Junket]

You are the one having second thoughts, here. Why?

Psychoanalysis...I need this.

Well, I guess the ultimatum thing really got to me. I felt really hurt by that, especially because I try so hard keep myself in check. Not to the point where she doesn't know what I'm feeling (this weekend being a situation I didn't know what I was feeling), but avoiding being rude, sarcastic, dismissive.

But when she told me:

I don't want this to sound like some kind of ultimatum - because I don't think that's a productive way to think about things. But I guess I feel like most of this conversation has felt like the decisions have all been in your court. Like there's this sort of under-lying presumption that I would never leave - and I will just handle whatever comes along. So I guess I just wanted to be clear that I am not only very hurt by that kind of behavior - but it's not something I plan to endure past a certain point. That is to say, at some point there is an healthy end to my patience -- and that's a good thing. It means I respect myself.

For one, it was an ultimatum poorly hidden in disguise of...a...not-ultimatum.

Secondly, I felt like she was blowing my behavior way out of proportion, (I never said this to her because I didn't want to come off as dismissive of her reaction to it, but when she tried to smooth things over with her "nevermind" speech, she claimed she was blowing it out of proportion), and then trying almost muscle me out of it.

Know what's funny? Is that she simply doesn't like how I deal with my feelings. I feel like I'm trying to avoid her, or defend myself against her disappointment. That's not cool.

I'm glad she has her lines she wants to draw, but fúck, I think I need to start doing the same.

That ultimatum thing...that just really got to me. I know she's already apologized for it...but like...I'm having trouble letting this one go. Because I'm afraid she could simply be trying to smooth things over...what if she doesn't really understand or really want to accept me. What if this comes up again?

What if. What if. What if.

This jarred me enough to have me second guessing...everything.

[Gigabitch]

I think you'd be a fool not to second-guess sometimes, but you'd also be a fool to let that get in the way.

Ultimately, I'm always going to want you to go for it. I think it's good for you, regardless of the end result.

I think living in OK isn't what you want to be doing. You might as well give NOLA a shot. You still have friends there, right?

[Junket]

You might as well give NOLA a shot. You still have friends there, right?

Yeah, all people we met through Hands On New Orleans organization. Nic, Kellie, Chet, Jess, Kristin and others. Plus we could volunteer as team leads on weekends or days off with HONO and meet people from the local area or temporary volunteers from all over the country.

It's very easy to be social in NOLA.

[vashti]

I don't have a problem with her ultimatum. If you are behaving badly, she is right to have a limit. (Sorry, choi. You know I like you, but that's the truth.)

[Junket]

I don't have a problem with her ultimatum. If you are behaving badly, she is right to have a limit. (Sorry, choi. You know I like you, but that's the truth.)

Behaving badly?

I am far from behaving badly.

But this is driving me two steps away from behaving fúcking badly.

[squirrley]

Personally I despise ultimatums, however, in extreme conditions sometimes you just put it out there. Call it a test, BS or not, it happens. But when a person does lay it on the line, theyre looking out for THEIR best interest, bottom line.

Fras, of course you're going to have second thoughts about it all, its normal. But I think over analyzing the situation could be detremental as well. You simply need a break from the situation and take some time to cool off. You may find a different perspective when youre emotional state isnt so high.

It irrelevant to place blame, its happened things have been said and now its time for you to digest it. I wouldnt jump to any conclusions or any harsh decisons because they would be based on an emotional roller coaster.

Just take your time.

[vashti]

Behaving badly?

I am far from behaving badly.

But this is driving me two steps away from behaving fúcking badly.

Did I misunderstand? I thought she said that in response to your becoming emotionally distant and irritable. If not, I take it back.

[Junket]

I can't take my time.

I can't fúcking take my time here anymore.

I don't want to.

My tolerance and patience with this place and situation is growing so god damn short.

All of this is just pissing me off, I've actually managed to get more angry through this thread. I'm actually getting re-pissed off at Amy and my interactions with her have been nothing but those e-mails for the past 2 days. Fúck her if she don't like how well I try to treat her. I'm was content being single and angry/aw l ael; a; jl ' jp' ashfgywbtg

[misombra]

welcome to the wonderful world of relationships!

[Junket]

I need to take some time away from this thread, I feel like a broken record and I'm getting angry at Amy who I haven't spoken to since yesterday morning.

That's some unjustified anger right there.

Yes, I closed the thread for now. I know you're all trying to help, but at this point there's not much more that can be said...I will continue to think, and talk to Amy about all of this.

[Junket]

Alright.

So here's the deal.

I finally called Amy Saturday, to talk.

Pretty much let her know why I was having doubts. More specifically, that whole ultimatum deal.

Vashti, I hold your opinions in high regard, but while she certainly has the right to give me an ultimatum; under those circumstances, and where we are at in our relationship, it was ludicrous, hurtful, and misguided. She turned a mountain into a molehill, then went the way of overkill, and threatened to nuke the damn thing.

Amy had spoken to her friend about her e-mail/reaction to my less than ideal (and confusing) behavior over the weekend, and it seems her friend told Amy that the e-mail and the ultimatum were indeed overboard.

(If you didn't see it, read her apology e-mail quoted on page 1 of this thread...)

Now, one thing I kept trying to get out of Amy is what specific instances, or things I did, or may have said that she found hurtful. She kept saying I was "just mean". But during the follow-up conversation she pointed out that during my weird mood I avoided any kind of physical intimacy. She said, it'd have been fine had she understood why I was in my mood, or if I had simply told her that I didn't want to be touched right now, but I just stayed silent and avoided any kind of touch.

This is true, I woke up and didn't want her to touch me, and after I took a shower, when I went to strip my towel and get dressed, she looked over at me, and I went back in the bathroom to dress. She said she found it incredibly hurtful for me to just take that away from her with no explanation.

That's something concrete that I can fix. She's right, that is mean for a person to do, and I know that's something I can fix. I'm also going to try to be more forward about when I need time by myself.

As for NOLA?

Well, I'm not going to created another thread, and unfortunately I cannot move the original one into a public sub-forum, so for those who have the privilege, check into the Brain Juice forum soon-