I need objective opinions!

[IndiReloaded]

Oi, Devi!

Instead of making excuses for his behaviour, why don't you actually think about what the posters are telling you?

His behaviour was unacceptable. Sorry, but what you did does NOT excuse his trashing your things.

And, I hate to say it, but your excusing it is also not healthy. Self-esteem problems? Oh yea, you betcha.

Think about it this way: Is this the kind of environment you'd like to see a child raised in?

Tell him to get the hell out of the house and go beat on a tree, or go to the gym or wank himself off, or any number of the other things that ADULTS do when they are extremely upset.

Personally, I'd kick this guy to the curb. There wouldn't be a second chance b/c I don't believe such ppl fundamentally change their behaviour except under extraordinary circumstances. If, however, you are determined to stick it out with this guy then I hope for your sake it involves some immediately counselling for anger management. And a MAJOR ultimatum that if it ever happens again you are outta there.

Oh, and I agree with Lite. Did I already mention this? Very sensible advice, you'd do well to think about it.

[Devi Ambrosia]

shootingstar . . . I think that post of yours should be re-entered as it's own thread. It doesn't belong in this one.

[Devi Ambrosia]

Thank you. I have given serious thought to all of the responses here.

Why does everyone think I am excusing his behavior? I am not. I am defending our relationship because I love him, and I believe this relationship is worth saving. We have made it work for 10 years, and I stand by my belief that that means something. But I absolutely feel what he did was unwarranted, and I have told him if it happens again, as much as it will pain me to do so, I will have to leave him.

Your point about children is a bit irrelevant, as I plan on never having any. Not that you knew that.

I want to make something clear: He is mentally ill. He has been in therapy since before I met him. He has regular visits to a psychiatrist. And this is the first violent outburst he has ever exhibited. I believe it is a sign of psychological decompensation. And, more importantly, he has been exceptionally good to me for most of this decade. He is not a bad person. He is sick.

Since starting this thread, I have also posted a topic on a mental illness related forum. I hope that proves to be more beneficial. I do now believe that his mental deterioration is really the issue here, though that was not my focus with my initial post.

[Lite]

Because you're not holding his feet to the fire about getting help beyond his existing medication. You're not working to figure out what the root cause of his recent issues are.

Loving him is fine and all, but at the end of the day we're all responsible for our own bullshit, even if we have extenuating circumstance surrounding it. It's still our problem to own up to, and take care of. He's not doing that, either because he can't, or because he doesn't want to. Which is it?

[shootingstar]

i dont know how to make a thread yet im new to this..

[Devi Ambrosia]

Please don't assume that I am doing nothing about this. Haven't I said things to the opposite? I believe I do know what the cause of his recent issues are, but I haven't wanted to open that can of worms in this forum.

The problem is . . . there's only so much I can do. I need help in figuring out where to go from here. I don't know how to help him beyond being a supportive partner. That's why I decided it's a better idea to post these issues on a mental illness forum.

Having spent time discussing this with him since starting this thread, I do think he *finally* understands that what he did was not okay . . . but boy . . . it sure took a long time. He has apologized, finally. But believe me, I am on full alert here. I'm not brushing off anything, and I'm not letting him "get away" with this.

Not choosing to leave him does NOT mean I am making myself a victim!

[Prodigal]

I don't know how to help him beyond being a supportive partner.

This IS all you can do. Even people without mental illness have this problem of not being able to have problems fixed for them. He can get help or meds or whatever. That may make him more stable, but there are the underlying problems, whatever they are. And those, he can only fix himself. Like I said: you cannot help him more than what you already are doing. Your reasoning is starting to sound more like you want to fix him, just what you said you weren't doing. Helping him is being there for him. So you are helping him. Fixing him? Only he can do that.

[Devi Ambrosia]

NO.

I fully understand that I can't fix him. But being that he is in a state of psychological decompensation, he is often unable to do things like make it to appointments on time, and he gets overwhelmed when confronted with paperwork and governmental business.

I need to know what resources are available for someone in his condition, so that I can organize what he has to do. I will need help with filing for disability insurance. I need to get a better understanding of how severe his symptoms are and what the treatments for them are.

As I've said, he's on several medications already, and he's taken them all daily for a long, long time. Since his condition is worsening, I need to know if changing medications would be safe, or helpful.

I want him to be well, and stable. I want to help him in any way I can. I just don't know what to do.

I'm sounding like a broken record.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, here's another pysch term for you:

Codependent.

Good luck.

[Devi Ambrosia]

Thanks a lot, IndiReloaded . . . what an insightful response. :|

There is a difference between codependency and simply being a compassionate human being. I only want to make sure the man I have loved for 10 years is getting the help he needs, and that does not make me codependent. I just need to know what help is available . . . and no-one here seems to know. I might scream if someone else says he should be on medication or that we both need therapy. Um . . . DUH! Really.

Like I said, I now believe this is a topic better left for a forum devoted to mental illness instead of general relationship issues. I need help with things like disability insurance, food stamps, low-cost mental illness programs, and stuff like that. I don't need people to tell me to leave him or righteously declare that we should be doing what we're already doing. Meds and therapy are no longer working. What now?

[DreamBeliever]

Don't even do it. This isn't worth your time. Why obsess over cause and effect when the relationship is sooooo unhealthy at its basics. By basics I mean respect- a basic requirement for any relationship- doen't seem like there has been any respect for one another here from the very beginning. You deserve happiness- you deserve to be adored- you deserve to be in a relationship that makes you feel safe. But in order for you to have that you have to respect YOURSELF. What on earth are you doing putting up with all his crap and then dishing it out yourself- lifes too short to be in such a perpetually hostile relationship. Surely you want to really feel respected and looked after. The way you paint the picture you've never felt like that yet. Give yourself a chance!!!!! This guy sounds like he's a rather immature older man as he could've handled things a lot better. (And as for the violence- as soon as it enters into the mix- get out!) You're probably on the same page age-wise. So thats not the issue- it's just this blatant lack of respect on both sides. Love ain't there. Move on- have the love and the life that you've wished for youself in your dreams. Good luck.

[mimi0825]

I really think he need counseling. At that age he should by now know how to control his temper. That is a eason for anger manangement. I think because of the age difference he feel that maybe you are immature to know what he has done has been wrong. The reason you stated you looked through his email would have never happened unless reason was given. Most females do not look through their mans belongings unless they give them rason to do so .

[Devi Ambrosia]

it's just this blatant lack of respect on both sides. Love ain't there. Move on

WOW. It's like no-one reads the parts where I assure you that he is a good person who has been exceptionally good to me, or that this relationship has been loving, healthy, and wonderful for most of 10 years.

This is a man who has also helped ME through a *lot* of my own issues, too. He has comforted and supported me through multiple panic attacks and some suicidal moments, as well as fits of anger. He has cooked for me, cleaned for me, cleaned my apartment while I was away, and has literally worshipped my feet. He has written poems for me. He has written songs for me (as he is an extraordinarily talented musician). He has been endlessly supportive of me, throughout a lot of trials and changes. This man DOES love me. This man DOES respect me. And I love and respect him, too.

He is not well right now, he is sick. And I am of the mind that, in a serious, committed relationship, when one party is sick, the other should step up and help them. I believe that is part of being in a relationship. You don't just run for the hills at the first sign of trouble. If you love someone, you try to make it work and you try to help them. Commitment.

I do realize the story here is crazy and dramatic. But please understand that this one story does not define the entirety of our 10-year relationship. If there were no love or respect, it could not have lasted this long.

[Devi Ambrosia]

I really think he need counseling. At that age he should by now know how to control his temper. That is a eason for anger manangement.

AHHHH!!!!!!!

He has had YEARS of counseling, therapy, and psychoanalysis, continuing to today. He's been in therapy regularly since I've known him. He has NEVER lost his temper in this way before. What we have here is NOT simply an anger control issue, it is a mental illness issue.

Seriously, people . . . PLEASE stop telling me that either of us needs therapy. It's idiotically obvious (painfully so), and in most of my posts here, I have pointed out that we've *been* doing that. He's already in therapy. He's already on medication. He's still getting worse.

[Lite]

Look, the relationship is obviously codependent, and that's why we're concerned. Codependency is generally bad, and well, it can lead to some pretty disastrous results.

And if he's getting worse, then perhaps he needs different medication, or a different therapist. Perhaps you should start keeping a log of his moods for you to hand to his therapist so that you know he's not hiding shit from the therapist like most men do.