Sex once a month is acceptable?

[phys251]

So here's the back story. I've been with my girlfriend for over a year and a half now and since the summer (2009), I'm lucky if we're having sex once a month and I'm getting fed up with it. For the first year we were having sex five times a week, easily. Sometimes doing it three or four times a day and then this summer it all just ended abruptly. It started going down to once a week, then every two weeks and now it's every month if I'm lucky.

For the past few weeks I've been trying to have sex and I've heard "Ooooh, you thought you were having sex tonight. DENIED!!!" Then she laughs like it's some big hysterical joke. I don't find it funny. Hell, sometimes before I go visit (I don't live with her), she'll tell me not to ask for sex because it's not happening. I'm tired of it.

Wow.

You're gonna have to start standing up for yourself. The next time she does this, you need to be honest with her that what she's doing is not cool. And DON'T BACK DOWN, regardless of what she does in response.

So tonight, I decided to confront her about it. The first thing she said is why does it matter so much? I told her that sex isn't the most important thing in our relationship, but it is important to the point that it needs to happen more than once a month. She told me this verbatim: "once a month is good." I told her it's completely unacceptable and she told me to stop asking for it. I said to start having sex with me more than once a month and she said no. I told her if that's the case, I'm going to start looking for someone else.

Whew!


So two questions here:

(1) Should sex be happening more than once a month?

(2) Did I say the right things?

Unless it's a period where the couple can't be together for a long time, a relationship with once-a-month sex is not a relationship at all. Quite frankly, if sex is optional, then so is the relationship.

There may be a chance that she has a personal issue going on, and more than once a month is just not going to work for her. But there are ways to handle that, and what she's doing to you is not one of them.

I'd say prep to be single.

I'd agree with you that since she's "thinking about it" says a lot about how hard she's willing to try. I doubt even if she does agree that she'll keep it up not to mention you'll feel just as unwanted as you did before because she doesn't wannnnt to pounce on you; she merely is because you made her (ie ultimadum). But likely she won't even agree.

I think you should dump her first.

This. I'm not a big fan of ultimatums, particularly when it comes to sex, but I think you need to let her know that as part of a healthy relationship, there needs to be more sex. If she says no to that, then it's time to move on.

[Punk18]

I talked to her after she got out of work. She told me that she's not having sex with me once a week. She's not going to be forced into it and if she doesn't want to have sex more than once a month, she doesn't have to. She also told me that I was being selfish.

It's over now.

[QueenofCorona]

Good. She seems like an immature beyotch. It would be one thing if she had a legit reason for witholding but she's doing it to try to be your puppet master. Obviously you two are on different wave lengths.

[Punk18]

We've been talking...

She said: "I don't want to have sex with anyone right now" and "I don't like sex like you do."

[Mish]

It didn't work out because you two are incompatible. It's better in the long run.

You will find someone more compatible to you.

[girl68]

You want sex she doesn't it will never work. Mark my words.

[Punk18]

She told me that she feels that I have no long term goals for the relationship. Also, she wants me to commit more and then the sex will increase. I told her that I'm not going to commit to someone who doesn't know what direction they're headed in their life. She can't commit to finishing her degrees (one paper away), and yet I'm supposed to commit to her? Absolutely not going to happen.

Funny thing is... I'm not that upset.

[girl68]

A woman who tries to con a man into committing. Jeeze/.

[kai]

Dump her. That's the right option.

[IndiReloaded]

Also, she wants me to commit more and then the sex will increase.

LOL! Are you a pigeon, pecking at a key and occasionally, randomly, a pellet (sex) will drop out?

Do you know about the psych method called 'intermittent reinforcement'? You'd better run while you still can, young man.

Intermittent reinforcement - [reinforcement] is given only part of the times the animal gives the desired response. It is often used instead of continuous reinforcement once the desired response is conditioned by continuous reinforcement and the reinforcer wishes to cut down or eliminate the the number of reinforcements neccessary to encourage the intended response.

Sound familiar? Lots of sex early on, then dropped to near-zero levels but still given grudgingly, on a nearly unpredictable schedule?

Watch out, b/c BF Skinner also showed this:

one of Skinner's most important discoveries was that behavior that is reinforced intermittantly is much more difficult to extinguish than behavior that is reinforced continuously.

Its a con to keep you attached. Dump her asap.

[sookie6]

I am so glad you finally got to the bottom of what she wants.
So to sum it up: she wants more commitment, meaning mariage.

Except that this is all wrong because now you have entered a cold negociation...with love and care out if the window...More to the point what is the garantee that you will have a fulfilling sexual relationship with 'that' after commiting.

I feel we all agree here. Dump the bitch!

Find someone who will care for you.

[Gigabitch]

Remember, an ultimatum will only work once. You put it out there and if she doesn't change, you HAVE to break up with her.

[cmacattack1]

When you reduce sex to a transaction, it kind of takes away the whole romance and enjoyment of it?

You are saying we need it once a week, she doesn't budge. She says she wants commitment and it will increase. Sounds like a trap to me.

I think you both are being very stubborn. You voiced your concern, and she didn't budge. Now it's time to back off. I don't think she will change your mind if you keep harping on her about it. She obviously doesn't appreciate what you have so some space is needed to help her understand and learn to appreciate it.

I've already said that it's gone on long enough and all you are doing is breeding resentment. That's why you are at the point of saying "**** her". That is not right...

[phys251]

She told me that she feels that I have no long term goals for the relationship. Also, she wants me to commit more and then the sex will increase. I told her that I'm not going to commit to someone who doesn't know what direction they're headed in their life. She can't commit to finishing her degrees (one paper away), and yet I'm supposed to commit to her? Absolutely not going to happen.

Funny thing is... I'm not that upset.

Honestly, Punk18? You need to be. If you don't stand up to her verbally, she's going to continue to walk all over you with her words. I mean, this relationship is toast; you might as well spare what little of your pride she hasn't taken from you.

99% of the time, I think it's incredibly mean to call a girl a "selfish bitch." This is that one other time. Damn what anybody else may say, you have every right to use those words when you break up.

(Oh, and FWIW, I'd talk just like this if the two genders were reversed. Selfishness has no place in any relationship.)

[dancer4life]

Well, I am I grade A asshole, but that's typical for everyone from Massachusetts! I kid, I kid. Just a joke.

I remember her saying that she doesn't feel attractive anymore. I do everything I can to make her feel attractive and nothing goes anywhere. I've had romantic nights in with a home cooked meal and she's in bed by 11. Romantic nights out (like her birthday in October where I dropped $90 on a meal for the two of us and neither of us had booze), she was asleep by 11. If anything, she's lazy. The kind of person that would rather sit at a concert than stand, because "standing is too much work."

Even when I do get to have sex on that rare occasion, it's like she's going through the motions and that's really a turn off to me. My mind goes elsewhere and I end up putting a minimal effort into it.

I swear... if another girl asked me to have wild sex right now, I'm 98% sure that I wouldn't say no.

Oh really......???