cheated on my boyfriend

[cutiegirl]

searock, thanks for the insight. now that i think of it, i don't even know if or how much i really like "bar guy". i think it was just something new, because i'm so bored being with my boyfriend... yeah i'll have to break up with him... i feel more like his mother than this girlfriend.

[searock]

I also think that "bar guy" means so much to you right now not because of himself, but because of what he represents in this period of your life: a whole new and exciting world that's just waiting for you to go explore it. Let us know how the break up goes: you should stick to the facts, like "I'm not in love with you anymore, sorry it didn't work out. I wish you the best in life, goodbye". Good luck!

[Love'sReject]

That's lying by omission and will leave the guy wondering where his faults were; he's going to blame himself rather than the guilty party.

Besides, searock; why don't you state an example of when cheating is PERFECTLY ok?

[searock]

That's lying by omission and will leave the guy wondering where his faults were

He'll wonder where his faults were even if he knows about her cheating. So basically nothing will change for him, whether he knows or not => not lying by omission: if he outright asks her if she cheated on him, she can say "yes I did", no problem.

he's going to blame himself rather than the guilty party.

There is no "guilty party", the relationship has just gone stale. Her mistake was to not break up with him sooner.

Besides, searock; why don't you state an example of when cheating is PERFECTLY ok?

Because it would be unrelated and off-topic.

When she breaks up, she needs to tell him the actual reasons for her decision. That's the important thing. And the reasons are that she is bored with him, she isn't in love with him, she doesn't see him as a boyfriend, she wants to try new experiences, etcetera. This is the message that needs to get across, it's up to her whether to "mitigate" it a bit (for example by not explicitly saying that she is bored with him) or not, all that matters is that the message gets across.

[Love'sReject]

He'll wonder where his faults were even if he knows about her cheating. So basically nothing will change for him, whether he knows or not => not lying by omission: if he outright asks her if she cheated on him, she can say "yes I did", no problem.

It's not his fault if she does communicate with him. The onus is on her here.

There is no "guilty party", the relationship has just gone stale. Her mistake was to not break up with him sooner.

She just fckin cheated; do they not oppose that in your country? Is it fine over there?

[quote Because it would be unrelated and off-topic.

When she breaks up, she needs to tell him the actual reasons for her decision. That's the important thing. [/quote]

Actually it is NOT unrelated; earlier you said her reasons for cheating were bad, so as to imply situations exist where it is COMPLETELY ok. And given that she's cheated once, you might as well give her ammo for the next time she does.

[searock]

It would be USELESS to tell him that she cheated, because they are effing breaking up. They are NOT breaking up *because she cheated*, they are breaking up because she wasn't satisfied with the relationship anymore. This is what matters.

It would be a different story if she wanted to try and make the relationship work - in that case, total honesty would be the first and foremost step to take. But it is not this case, they are about to break up, and it was over way before she cheated.

[Love'sReject]

It would NOT be useless; she's giving him BS reasons for the breakup and you're encouraging her to find other BS as pretexts for cheating. The guy SHOULD know she cheated. Why is complete honesty preferable in one case and not the other? You're saying lying by omission is OK? In fact, I am going to upgrade this to flatout lying because now if she follows your advice, she's just straight up lying.

[searock]

I will repeat it one more time... she is not breaking up with him because she cheated. The actual reasons for the break up are the ones she herself stated in her previous posts: she isn't in love with him, their relationship is more "mother-child" than "boyfriend-girlfriend", she is bored with him, etc. It does not mean that it is his fault, they just weren't compatible. She cheated on him because she was already done with the relationship, a long time ago. Her mistake was to not break up earlier. That is all.

IF, on the other hand, they wanted to stay together, she would have to tell him what she did, because it would have many implications on trust and honesty with each other as a couple. There is no point staying in a relationship where there is no honesty and trust. But this is NOT the case.

[Love'sReject]

So then she's just spineless?

[Love'sReject]

She is actually breaking with him (assuming she does..) to state a buncha crap to avoid confronting her crime of cheating...The fact is, she SHOULD be breaking up with him BECAUSE she cheated.

[searock]

Look, I agree with you: cheating is wrong. But this is not the point of this thread.

The point is: what should she do now? And the answer is: break up. Her mistake was to reach the point of actually cheating - she should have broken up ages ago. If she had, she wouldn't have cheated, because she wouldn't have been in a dead relationship. Hopefully, she will learn from this mistake, and know what to do if she ever finds herself in a stale relationship again.

[Love'sReject]

I see. What I've been saying has been directly related to what she should do next; start with "I'm a callous cheater with no spine to call things off even with a lowly text message before betraying you."

[searock]

The fact is, she SHOULD be breaking up with him BECAUSE she cheated.

This doesn't even make sense. She wouldn't have cheated on him if she had been satisfied with the relationship.

This is how it should have been: relationship goes stale ---> break up ---> hook up with other guys. This is how it went: relationship goes stale ---> hook up with guys from bars ---> break up.

Her mistake was to mix up the last 2 steps, but the first step was there regardless, and it is the cause for the last 2, in whichever order.

[searock]

I see. What I've been saying has been directly related to what she should do next; start with "I'm a callous cheater with no spine to call things off even with a lowly text message before betraying you."

Who said she's callous? And "cheater" sounds like she's done it more than once, which also was never stated on this thread. Finally, there may have been other reasons for her to not call things off before cheating, other than her being spineless.

Most importantly, such a message is useless in this situation. What she needs to communicate are the actual reasons for the break up. After that, they part ways, and it's just over.

[Love'sReject]

This doesn't even make sense. She wouldn't have cheated on him if she had been satisfied with the relationship.

This is how it should have been: relationship goes stale ---> break up ---> hook up with other guys. This is how it went: relationship goes stale ---> hook up with guys from bars ---> break up.

Her mistake was to mix up the last 2 steps, but the first step was there regardless, and it is the cause for the last 2, in whichever order.

She can't go back in time and not cheated; I am stating a practical way of breaking up.

No excuses, just the honest to God truth. She cheated. That alone is enough for a guy to hear.