Stuck between fiancee and our best friend

[searock]

Also about the public display of affection part..I am this kind of person. I do not like her touching me because it irritates me. we can do all that stuff in our room but not in front of people. We are not 16 year old now. we are 28 and thus touching or hugging just do not look decent. getting hushy mushy on each other at this age is crazy.

Says who? Lots of couples of any age share affectionate gestures in public, and there's nothing "crazy" about that. Just because that's how you feel about it, doesn't mean that it's universally true.

She gets angry if in case i remove her hand away from me in case she touches me publicly. I like her standing next to me but at same time maintaining the friends look outside. Why to be intimate outside. Even on weekend when ABC came to our place my fiancee just keep on touching my shoulder or hair when she was walking in room. She was calling me honey. In the end end i just told her not to do so. It irritates me.

Why are you so reluctant to let other people see that you two are a happy, loving couple? Why do you want to give the impression that you're just friends?

I think your girlfriend is a very patient person...

[LifeInflux]

Thanks for a helpful reply.
Now my question is should i stop replying to her messages or calls? what to do when ABC calls us and ask for making plans? I cannot lie and at same time cannot see sad face of my fiancee.I am not sure if i will go to ABC and tell her that what the actual situation is. what if she is just acting as friend and my fiancee is doing too much of "thought work". We will ruin our relationship forever with her. This is worst than being ungrateful.

I told my fiancee in case ABC talks rudely to her or passes comment to her, reply her back equally.So that ABC should understand if my fiancee is very nice person, she can talk rude as well. If ABC is jealous she should learn to cope it, my fiancee should not suffer with it.

Telling your Fiance' to fight back is not a plan I would wish to enact. This will only make the problem worse, and will eventually fall back on you either way.


You need to start with ABC. When you speak with her next, find out what she is interested in doing, then tell her simply that your Fiance' will be joining you. Explain to her that from what you understand, she may have a problem with your Fiance' or your relationship with your Fiance'. Ask her why she has been so hostile with your Fiance' lately.

Get some answers as to why she's acting the way she is. Tell her that you are her friend and you care about her, but she has to understand your Fiance' comes first, and that you would like to still hang out but that will include all three of you.

If it turns out that your Fiance' is taking ABC's actions the wrong way, explain to ABC that she never contacts your Fiance' to do anything, and that you can see why your Fiance' might feel that way. Side with your Fiance' on everything, even if some if it may be slightly unfounded just so she feels you are with her and on her side, and so ABC knows that you stand by your fiance'.


As for the public display of affection, that could be partially due to the excitement of being out with you, but more than likely, from what you've told me, this is a way for your Fiance' to mark her territory. To show everyone you're with that you are hers, and the underlying cause of this is because she feels insecure when you are out with her.

Maybe she thinks you are looking at other women, or that you aren't affectionate because you are ashamed to be with her. You need to show her that you are there with HER, even when there are other people around.


Keep us updated. Good luck.

[manava]

Thanks for wonderful advice lifeinflux.

Telling your Fiance' to fight back is not a plan I would wish to enact. This will only make the problem worse, and will eventually fall back on you either way.


You need to start with ABC. When you speak with her next, find out what she is interested in doing, then tell her simply that your Fiance' will be joining you. Explain to her that from what you understand, she may have a problem with your Fiance' or your relationship with your Fiance'. Ask her why she has been so hostile with your Fiance' lately.

Get some answers as to why she's acting the way she is. Tell her that you are her friend and you care about her, but she has to understand your Fiance' comes first, and that you would like to still hang out but that will include all three of you.

If it turns out that your Fiance' is taking ABC's actions the wrong way, explain to ABC that she never contacts your Fiance' to do anything, and that you can see why your Fiance' might feel that way. Side with your Fiance' on everything, even if some if it may be slightly unfounded just so she feels you are with her and on her side, and so ABC knows that you stand by your fiance'.


As for the public display of affection, that could be partially due to the excitement of being out with you, but more than likely, from what you've told me, this is a way for your Fiance' to mark her territory. To show everyone you're with that you are hers, and the underlying cause of this is because she feels insecure when you are out with her.

Maybe she thinks you are looking at other women, or that you aren't affectionate because you are ashamed to be with her. You need to show her that you are there with HER, even when there are other people around.


Keep us updated. Good luck.

[michelle23]

OP you are hopeless. your gonna lose your fiance. it is ridiculous that you cannot stand affection in front of other people. i honestly think you want to appear single. and this "friendship" with ABC is not a normal friendship. you have feelings for her.

you are not ready for marriage and you have no emotional intelligence which makes me wonder if you ever will be..

all i can say is good luck with this sham of a relationship. 3 is a crowd and you are heading for disaster

[LifeInflux]

OP you are hopeless. your gonna lose your fiance. it is ridiculous that you cannot stand affection in front of other people. i honestly think you want to appear single. and this "friendship" with ABC is not a normal friendship. you have feelings for her.

you are not ready for marriage and you have no emotional intelligence which makes me wonder if you ever will be..

all i can say is good luck with this sham of a relationship. 3 is a crowd and you are heading for disaster

I don't think thats true at all. When you are young things like this are (can be) convoluted, and handling situations like this requires tact if you want to maintain stability.

While I don't think it was handled properly up to this point, he seemed receptive to some of my suggestions, as it covers the bases that he wanted to cover.

I can understand where he is coming from as I have female friends and I would refuse to stop hanging out with any friends simply because my partner wasn't happy that I had friends apart from her. I would, however, include her. I would show some affection when we are in public. I would make a clear distinction between her and any other women in my life.


Sometimes these type of "common sense" distinctions aren't as common as we all think. Some people need a nudge. Hence, this forum.

[Empty Road]

Can I have your fiance's phone number? You wouldn't mind I hang out with her right? I'll even help you out with the her public affection problem. I love hugs and kisses. In return, you can buy me a $300 gift card. My name is XYZ. Nice to meet you.

[michelle23]

lifeinflux:.while i appreciate your tact and way of handling things-i do not agree it is fair to keep ABC in his life when it is obvious she wants him for herself and who the heck gives such gifts to a woman who is not his gf or mother?

his fiance has every right to be upset.

[UnderTheMoon]

I don't think you love your fiancé as much as you say you do. You get irritated when she touches you in public? So you can't hold hands when you are out? Or lock arms? Or hug? That makes no sense, of course you want to look like friends but you are also supposed to be lovers. Your lover should BE your best friend. If I held my man's hand, and he jerked it away and scolded me because he felt embarrassed, I would tell him to **** off and dump him. This friend of yours? I just got done reading and replying to a situation similar and you know what happened there? Her boyfriend screwed his supposed female friend. You are a man, and this debt you feel you owe is garbage. The fact is, when you decide to marry someone, you have to give up some things, things that will ruin a relationship. This friend is something you need to let go of respectfully but I don't even see that happening. You will lose your fiancé if you keep of this tug and pull game between you and your friend. I have had to get rid of male friends before but they gave me space with my previous boyfriends. They didn't want ME to have problems with my guy and kept in contact with me to make sure I was doing ok, that is about as far as it went, and when I broke up with my ex's, they were in my lives again supporting me and my decisions. You can't convince someone that someone else is just a friend ESPECIALLY when they act like that. I have stayed away from some of my guy friends because I didn't want them to have problems with their girlfriends. It's called respect, and apparently this friend you owe so much to, doesn't have any respect for you what so ever. So keep it up, and eventually you will be alone.

[manava]

Hi Lifeinflux

ABC is not only my friend. she is a common friend of mine and my fiancee. we are together since our studies. But all these situations started arising in last 5-6 months which made my fiancee upset. My fiancee is offended because ABC was very close to both of us initially and now she feels ABC is just inclining towards me and maintaining an acquaintance type of relationship with her. I nkow she is upset but at same time if she wants me to leave ABC I cannot to do that first ...because i do not want to be ungrate ful second..i do not want to be controlled....

I don't think thats true at all. When you are young things like this are (can be) convoluted, and handling situations like this requires tact if you want to maintain stability.

While I don't think it was handled properly up to this point, he seemed receptive to some of my suggestions, as it covers the bases that he wanted to cover.

I can understand where he is coming from as I have female friends and I would refuse to stop hanging out with any friends simply because my partner wasn't happy that I had friends apart from her. I would, however, include her. I would show some affection when we are in public. I would make a clear distinction between her and any other women in my life.


Sometimes these type of "common sense" distinctions aren't as common as we all think. Some people need a nudge. Hence, this forum.

[manava]

Why there is so much fuss about paying a gift card to ABC??? I paid her for the hours she put into my studies. if i was going to have a tuition or coaching for the same i was going to end up paying $500 to $1000. So $300 was not big amount it saved me money and traveling time. My fiancee objected for paying a big sum of money but when i explained she agreed to it. Moreover in future if my relationship with ABC does not go well, she can never turn back and taunt me about helping me and me being ungrateful. I paid for the time she spent.

Can I have your fiance's phone number? You wouldn't mind I hang out with her right? I'll even help you out with the her public affection problem. I love hugs and kisses. In return, you can buy me a $300 gift card. My name is XYZ. Nice to meet you.

[rafterman]

Look whatever champ.... you have a stubborn attitude, and now you're just coming across as mentally retarded. How many words to say.... YOU'RE NOT READY FOR MARRIAGE ?