I need objective opinions!

[Illusional]

short and sweet posts usually get the best results.

raverboy

[Glory Surrender]

Oh, and btw. I'm marrying a woman who had an abusive childhood in 2 days. She goes to therapy, takes medication for clinical depression (with occasional but lessening suicidal tendencies), and still has occasional breakdowns. However, she admits that these are her problems to deal with, is happy to have my support and input, but she takes care of herself and is fully committed to healing.

So, what you're getting is opinions from at least some people who deal with folks suffering from various mental illnesses on a daily basis. I have a partner whose moods and emotions I watch every day to help steer her away from bad places. I've had periods of my life in which I was suicidal myself. I spent a good deal amount of time, and effort to heal myself.

[snip]

. . . I've been to 3x as many funerals as years I've been alive.

Wow, what a bummer. Or, rather, a series of bummers. What a life! No wonder you're so pessimistic.

I have to say, honestly, I have never in my life thought of labeling a fellow human being as "broken", or "damaged".

I'd be a lot more worried about your situation than Devi's. A LOT. Good luck with that.

Sincerely,


Glory

[Aeradalia]

I read a few posts... sorry couldn't read them all -- eye strain.

Anyway, I had tried to help those that were 'mentally unstable' and 'willing to change.' Different situation, different types of guys, and differing durations of time spent with them... however they all had pretty much the same result.

The first guy was schizophrenic, the relationship was fairly peaceful until for no apparent reason he tried to strangle me --- called the cops, and the relationship ended right there (self-preservation won out).

The next guy was really nice and sweet but eventually became addicted to meth. Needless to say, the relationship deteriorated into an abusive state and with me being only 17 -18 at the time... I really didn't have the ability to handle this or really recognize it. So I lived in fear for a couple of months until he finally turned completely violent. He broke my jaw and tried to break my arms... someone else called the cops and by the time they got there... I just lost it and he was a bloody mess (don't remember much).

Moral of the story? Unstable men will eventually hurt you. It's not healthy or beneficial to you. You can't fix them or help them in any way. There's something wrong with them that goes beyond what you are capable of.... all you can do is take care of yourself. Find someone who is already stable so that you can have a better chance of having a healthy and successful relationship. Love isn't just about caring for the other person... it includes caring about yourself too.

[Devi Ambrosia]

Unstable men will eventually hurt you. It's not healthy or beneficial to you. You can't fix them or help them in any way. There's something wrong with them that goes beyond what you are capable of.... all you can do is take care of yourself. Find someone who is already stable so that you can have a better chance of having a healthy and successful relationship. Love isn't just about caring for the other person... it includes caring about yourself too.

I am so sorry you went through such hard times with these men. I hope life is better for you now. But, I have some things to say about your post.

First of all, your affair with the schizophrenic guy was when you were 16 or 17, right? I assume it was not a very long relationship, right? A year or so, maybe a little more? I am curious to know the specifics of the situation that led him to strangling you for "no apparent reason." How exactly did you try to help him with his issues? What treatment was he on?

Secondly, your next relationship was with a guy who had a history of substance abuse and abusive behavior and wound up breaking your jaw after a period of multiple violent episodes. I also assume this relationship did not last long, correct? How exactly did you try to help him with his issues? What treatment was he on?

So, these were both relatively short-lived relationships. The 2nd one, based on your description, had a noteable pattern of abuse, even though the relationship was short.

I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years, and there has never been a pattern of abuse or violence. And the episode I describe in my initial post was directed at inanimate objects, not me or any other living person. He has never physically harmed me. I think if a relationship has gone 10 years without abuse, you've got a pretty good chance of it never coming up.

You say "unstable men will eventually hurt you." This is, arguably, one of the most slanted and untrue things I have ever heard. And if you're basing this on your short-lived experience with a handful of unstable men that exhibited a history of abusive behavior during the first year of the relationship, it is absolutely meaningless. Instability occurs in various levels, and not all levels lead to violence.

I know very well that you can't "fix" anyone, but you sure as hell CAN *help* them. If someone you love is in a period of decompensation, it is possible to encourage them toward treatment, to help them set up appointments, to research their condition so you are better equipped to handle things, to be there for them so they don't go through a terrifying time alone.

If you're being physically abused in a relationship, by all means, leave before it gets worse. But a relationship with a mentally ill person who is not abusive will not *always* turn violent, and it is possible to maintain a healthy relationship with a person suffering psychological distress.

You said to find someone who is already stable so that I'll have a better chance of having a healthy and successful relationship.

We have had 10 years together. Those 10 years have been, for the most part, healthy, loving, fun, and easy. I'd say that's pretty damned successful.

[pinkpuca84]

Devi, from *quick scan* reading ur responses i know that u really love him, regardless of what he's done or what he's suffering from. u understand full well what's happening to him (him being sick from mental illness), then i pressume u know all the risks possibilities, such as him having tantrums once in a while. throwing things like that is bad, but not THAT bad, if u know what i mean...unless he hits u, then it's dangerous. about u expecting him to apologise, u have all the right to expect that, but not all guys have big heart to apologise even when they know what they'd done was wrong. their ego is too big, to admit and to apologise. in my opinion, i'll just let it go. if it bothers u THAT much tho, i think u can talk to him gently about u expecting him to apologise for such violent behaviour. i would be surprised if he still doesnt wanna do so. after that it's ur choice to either take it or leave it.

[Glory Surrender]

Most men don't destroy your belongings or need anti-psychotic medication.

Hmm. Interesting juxtaposition, there. As if the use of antipsychotic medication was a moral issue. Coincidence?

The more I read of your posts, the better it feels to know that, in the end, you decided against making your it career to work with "broken" and "damaged" people.


Glory

[starbuck]

NO.

I fully understand that I can't fix him. But being that he is in a state of psychological decompensation, he is often unable to do things like make it to appointments on time, and he gets overwhelmed when confronted with paperwork and governmental business.

I need to know what resources are available for someone in his condition, so that I can organize what he has to do. I will need help with filing for disability insurance. I need to get a better understanding of how severe his symptoms are and what the treatments for them are.

As I've said, he's on several medications already, and he's taken them all daily for a long, long time. Since his condition is worsening, I need to know if changing medications would be safe, or helpful.

I want him to be well, and stable. I want to help him in any way I can. I just don't know what to do.

I'm sounding like a broken record.

I've read the entire thread and bolded the parts which have to do with you being in broken record mode. Here are my thoughts:

The man is not an invalid right? The big question here is, why are YOU taking care of his medical problems and not he himself? This is why people are calling you co-dependent, Devi. You seem to feel like if you don't take care of his medical problems, you're not loving him enough and that is a big misconception codependents have.

Mentally ill or not, you deserve a man who can take care of himself. Believe me, I've gone down this road before with an ex with a severe head injury, yet refused to take his medication and get the proper treatment for it. You can be there for emotional support, but anything else will completely drain you, and you know it. Otherwise you wouldn't be coming here to ask for advice.

You're making too many excuses for him. He really needs to be resposible for himself if your relationship is ever going to be healthy.