Can she choose between two men?

[Modulator]

Hi Everyone and thanks for reading this as I've found myself in a real problem area with my wonderful girlfriend. Your insight is most appreciated.

She and I have been dating for 14 months and it has been fantastic. A real rockstar couple. We have had the best time of our lives, talked seriously about the future, I have fallen in love with her kids, and life has been so promising. My house is filled with cards and letters that she has written to tell me that she truly met the love of her life. She always told me that she would never settle for anyone and was blessed completely to have me in her life. I have waited my entire life to meet this woman and couldn't be happier to have her in my life.

However, shortly after the first of this year, she started to change. She became withdrawn, wasn't able to talk much, her texts and phone calls became very hollow and infrequent. Our date nights became harder to set up and do. She was running. I began to gently ask her what was wrong and she hesitated to even answer at first. But with my continued concern and respectful questions, she began to tell me that she was sorry for her quiet and withdrawn behavior and explained that she had some significant stress in her life and it was taking its toll. I accepted this for awhile, but was still very concerned. We still got together some and really tried to have a good time. She clearly loves me and respects that I have been a wonderful partner and she does have feelings for spending the rest of her life with me, which I would love to do.

And then I got the real news. After several months of standing beside her and working to support her and love her during the stressful time, I decided to have a serious talk and really pin down her troubles. And she told me about the biggest issue. It turns out that feelings for an old love have come flooding back and have stirred her mind to a point that she has nearly shut down. The "old love" is a gentleman at her office that was married, yet over the years, the two of them carried on a relationship. She really fell for him back then and stayed by his side while she waited for his divorce. He treated her wonderfully during the period even though everything they did had to be done in secret. As that relationship matured, the secrecy evaporated a little bit and she allowed her love to grow even stronger, but she needed him to get the divorce. After a couple of years of waiting, she decided it would never come and she had to make the heartbreaking decision to leave him. She did just that, healed for awhile, and then met me. But now, his divorce is nearly final and he is attempting to get her back in his life now. Remember, he is right there in her office with access to her every day. She is really struggling with these feelings. She had a wonderful history with him back then...and she has a wonderful setting with me right now and a solid future if she chooses to stay with me.

For my part, my heart has been mostly destroyed by this, but I have not given up. I have provided positive support for her, gently told her that we can't wait forever to figure this out, and even provided some wonderful sales pitches about how great life can be if we can get back to the heights of our early months together. Her counsellor told her to take a 30 day "timeout" so she could concentrate soley on herself and her feelings. She has promised me an answer after this 30 day period.

My questions to you include: Can she ever really sort this decision out in her mind? Will our relationship be 100% healthy and true going forward if she chooses to stay with me? In a woman's mind, how are these feelings processed and resolved? I would especially like to hear some female viewpoints on what she may be thinking right now. Can she do this? I so look forward to bright days ahead. Thank you very much for reading this far! This did get a bit lengthy. I hope to hear from you.

[Mathias]

Her counsellor told her to take a 30 day "timeout" so she could concentrate soley on herself and her feelings. She has promised me an answer after this 30 day period.

So, she's all but cheating on you, and her counselor tells her to be selfish and leave you hanging for a month?

Bullshit.

[Nicholas_V]

Her councelor is paid to give advice with her self-interest in mind - they couldn't care less about the OP's feelings. Having said that, I agree that if she appears so caught up with her past with that guy, perhaps you should reconsider yourself. You don't want to be "the other guy" - which you clearly are right now. And even if she chooses you, I guess you will feel that you live under someone else's shadow in this relationship (even more so if they work together).

Btw - don't you think she should have mentioned all this to you a lot earlier (i.e. before that other guy makes himself eligible again)? Do you think you can trust her the same way after this , whatever the outcome?

[oldskool83]

that 30 days is just gonna drive you nuts, its buying her time. its letting you down easy which really is gonna do nothing for you but make it harder. id counter offer and said no its either him or me cuz you feel betrayed. be prepaired to have your things ready. if shes thinking about this guy this bad its afecting your relationship the min she gets some space its gonna be over.

[Boisdevie]

Yep, your relationship is so perfect but she has feelings for the other guy? Get real.

[Modulator]

A profound word of thanks to those of you that took the time to respond to my post. I seldom ask for advice in life, but I'm humbled to know that there are those out there that can offer some smart words when I need them most. Sitting here waiting for her answer like it's the outcome of a TV game show is pathetic at best, yet here I sit. I honestly appreciate your real-world and unbiased responses.

Boisdevie: I deserve that, just wasn't strong enough to realize it.

Mathias: You put that perfectly, and in a way I hadn't previously considered. I'll promise you, this is B.S. I'm not sure I'll last a month.

Nicholas_V: You have eloquently illustrated some points that are so important. I have been thinking for weeks about how I'll respond if she does choose me. Your "other guy" scenario is a real concern and I'm not sure I'll deal with that very well. Note also that she DID mention this guy to me early on, but her context in that conversation was only to let me know there was an old partner at work in case it ever came up when I was with her at company functions at her office. She NEVER indicated that a rekindling was possible. In fact, she indicated the opposite. She may have been lying to herself at that moment. I don't believe she has ever truly let go.

And oldskool83: Thanks for being you, man. You laid down, in just a few sentences, some pretty hard truth. You nailed it on every point. I am planning to shorten this 30 day lark, and I do have my things ready. Hearing someone else offer these instructions makes it a whole lot more relevant and important. I'd buy you a few beers if I could. Thanks dude.

I'll try to make it back here and let you know how this turns out. Believe me, I'll need to get this figured out answered. Again, thanks so much to all of you.

[Wakeup]

Heres a Wakeup Call:

Personally, anyone who would leave me hanging while they decided if they wanted to be with a person they cheated with would see the toe of my shoe up the crack of their ass as I kicked them to the curb. I don't care how much I loved them if they didn't immediately tell the past lover to go **** themself... I'd be gone no trial period. Watch she doesn't pick you and keep up the affair with him... (if she hasn't been already).


Gezzzzzzzzzzzus... why would you even entertain such disrespect? Such obviousness that she doesn't value you as much as you value her?

P.S. I don't know any therapist that would condone her taking time out to choose. Counceling her with her own best interests in mind or not.. they aren't unethical to others in the process. I suspect your gf made that up because it suited her. You're her rebound who helped her through the pain of her not having her married guy break up his marriage quick enough for her.

Seeing a married man... stringing you along with her lies while she still had feelings for her married lover... good thing she's in therapy.

[MaidenMinx]

Yes she can choose, though she should have done so by now.

The day I met my fiance, my heart was breaking. My boyfriend was leaving Australia to go back to the USA and divorce his wife. (Confused yet.) At the moment I met my current fiance, my ex was getting on the plane. His family didn't want me at the airport to see him off. We'd been friends for 18 months and had only been together a few weeks. He told me he would be back in 6 weeks and that he would keep in touch. I told him I would wait. My current fiance made me laugh despite the hurt I was carrying. I remember thinking 'I like this guy!' which was quickly followed by a mental reprimand since the man I was calling my boyfriend was barely out of the country.

After 6 weeks with no contact I realised that for whatever reason, my boyfriend was unlikely to come back to me. I assumed he had decided to settle down with his wife and child. I was happy for them.

I did a stupid rebound thing then decided that celibacy was a good idea for a while. During this time my current fiance and I became better and better friends. We never spent any time together alone (he was a friend of my flatmate) but every time we were around we would laugh until our sides hurt. After about 8 months of friendship I found out there was a concert coming up that I really wanted to go to but couldn't find anyone to go with me. My fiance said he'd go with me. I was stoked. The same week of the concert my flat mate went to visit his parents. The first night he was gone my fiance came over and invited me to the movies. We spent every night that week together. The first time we kissed was just before sunrise on the morning of concert day.

That night we went to the concert. We joined the group of people gathered in loose lines at the bar. He got to the bar before me and ordered a beer for himself and then asked for 'a bourbon and coke for my girlfriend'. I'm standing there beaming at being called girlfriend as I get tapped on the shoulder. I turn to see a mutual friend of my ex and I. He asked if I knew that he was on his way back from the states. I felt like the world shifted in that instant. I spent about 3 days not knowing what to do. And then for me it was simple. I realised that to break up with my now fiance for a man that didn't even have the decency to let me know himself that he was coming home. Since then it has been proven to me over and over that I made the right choice.

I know my situation is very different to yours. I just wanted you to know that these choices can be made.