how do i choose?

[rusticana]

There are two guys that I am interested in and I don't know how to choose between them.

Guy #1:
He is someone I have known for a long, long time. We tried dating years ago, but things were wrong from the start and we ended up hurting each other pretty badly (read: I was heartbroken for a year after the breakup). Somehow, we have managed to stay friends and I find myself still having feelings for him.

Guy #2:
He is someone I met and dated earlier this year. We had a fallout a few months ago because we didn't want to commit to a relationship but we kept in touch and have been hanging out as friends.

The ball is pretty much in my court with both guys and I don't know which to choose. I find myself liking both but for different reasons (I think?).

I have strong feelings for guy #1. We have a long history and he understands me in ways that no one else in my life does. I am also extremely physically attracted to him (read: I lust after him).

Guy #2 is someone I don't know very much about but what I do know, I like. I am very much intrigued by him. I think a lot of the attraction I feel for him is due to this sense of mystery of not knowing who he is. That being said, I do know a fair bit about his history/childhood, his worldview, passions and goals in life..and I am very much attracted to that (the same can be said for guy #1).

Some last thoughts. With guy #1 it just seems so hard since we have such a long history of hurting each other, but with guy #2, everything is new, fresh, unknown territory. Also, guy #1 is long distance and it would be so hard to make it work.


I know this may seem like a silly problem but I am really torn and was hoping for some wisdom and insight. Ultimately, neither may choose me, so all this thinking may be in vain but I want to make up my mind before I talk to either of them.

Thanks for any advice!

[miSSleepy]

Well, guy#2 isn't going to be new and fresh forever ...
but since you have a bad history with guy#1 AND he lives far from you, i would advise against that option. If you hurt each other before and things went wrong, it will happen again, especially with the strain of a long distance relationship.

[rusticana]

Well, guy#2 isn't going to be new and fresh forever ...
but since you have a bad history with guy#1 AND he lives far from you, i would advise against that option. If you hurt each other before and things went wrong, it will happen again, especially with the strain of a long distance relationship.

Thanks for the reply missleepy. What you are saying is exactly what my friends are telling me, i.e.,to forget #1, because he's a jerk, etc., etc....

To be honest I don't understand why I still have feelings for him but I do...and they are as strong as ever. I just want to see if it will work out this time around since I didn't give him (or us) a fair chance the first time. I just don't want to live in regret. At least then I could say I really tried.

[Gigabitch]

It would take a lot for me to vote for Guy #1. He would have to make a great effort to show me that he had matured and was at least as into me as I was into him. LDRs don't work without 100% commitment.

Guy #2 sounds pretty generic. He could be anybody, and the part of Guy #2 will probably be played by a succession of guys.

Is Guy #1 actually a jerk? Tell us more about what happened with him...

[rusticana]

Thanks for your reply gigabitch.

What do you mean that guy #2 sounds generic?


I guess I'm not really sure how to answer the question of whether #1 is a jerk. There was so much shit that happened before we even got together, which i guess objectively wasn't so much his fault, but still, he hurt me. That is something that is so hard for me to shake.

When we were together, for a mere 3 months, he did try to be a good to me, at first... But I was cold and closed off (unknowingly so) because of what happened before we got together that I just couldn't be happy around him and it always made me sad to be around him. Basically, it was an unhappy relationship and neither of us knew why until long after it ended. During the actual time of the relationship I didn't realize I was being cold and distant, so when things ended, I secretly blamed him for not trying harder, although I didn't tell him this during the breakup talk and appeared emotionally distant. I pretty much was so angry that I didn't think he deserved any real emotion (be it anger, sadness, etc.) from me.

After we broke up, he got together with another girl in a matter of a months. That hurt. After they broke up, we began talking again, on and off and we have had hurtful arguments...

I don't know if I'm painting a very good picture of our history, and indeed it is a very complicated story. The truth is, when I look back at what we have been through, I have memories of a lot of pain, but at the same time, he was also the one by side, the one with the shoulder to lean and cry on when I needed someone the most. But then part of me thinks those acts are invalid because he might've just wanted to score brownie points with me and not because he really cared? (not sure if that made sense..)

I'm very much confused.

[Gigabitch]

What do you mean that guy #2 sounds generic?

He seems like he's not as compelling to you as Guy #1, and that makes him less compelling to me.

There was so much shit that happened before we even got together, which i guess objectively wasn't so much his fault, but still, he hurt me.

Like what? Did he have sex with your friends? Was he mean to you in Junior High School? What?

[rusticana]

I see what you mean about #2 now. The problem is that I feel like I'm not giving him a fair chance, and I can't if I still have feelings for #1. It's possible that given time I could feel just as strongly for #2..or maybe not, I don't know..and I would never know until I try, but how can I try if I still have feelings for #1. I'm going in circles... Also, if I try with #1, and I let #2 get away I might never know how it could have been with #2 and I might end up wondering 'what if'? Ugh.

How guy #1 hurt me:
In the beginning, when guy #1 and I first met, we became friends and we had a period where we were physical with each other. Then he left to go back home and we didn't have anything defined...I mean, it was pretty much impossible since we were super long distance. When he got home, he started dating a girl and didn't tell me about it for awhile. I was hurt, pissed and felt betrayed. After things ended with the girl, we started talking again.

About a year later, he moved and became about a 2-hr-drive-away from me. We got physical, I wanted more and he didn't and I was heartbroken. After about a year, he suddenly decided he did want something more. By that time I was so hurt that the relationship that ensued was the mess I had described.