My girl dumped me coz she's scared of me

[michaelfallara]

We've been dating/living with eachother for more than a year, have known eachother for 6 years, were both young and she has a daughter and we've built endless dreams together in romantic conquest. It's been a rocky ride, with both major ups and major downs, and I mean major, but through it all, the one consistent thing has been our immense love for one another.

About a couple months ago, I came into contact with somebody I have held a very long grudge against for what feels like an age. I didn't react pleasantly upon seeing them, and after a mistake earned myself a felony, assault with a deadly weapon, of which I am working on removing now (my arraignment is next month and I have a great lawyer, and it's looking good for me, shes talking to the DA and thinks it will get dropped to a misdemeanor nonstrike). After spending an evening in jail, however, and through all of it her endless support and love, she's never thought the same of me. After seeing what I have wrongfully committed she knows what I'm capable of, and even though I tell her, that I would never ever hurt her physically like that, it isn't enough. She knows it's irrational but she cannot help but believe that one day, I will hurt her like I did this man, if not infinitely worse.

She loves me, deeply, as do I love her, but it's too much for her to take, this very palpable fear for her. When we get into fights, which couples do in fact occasionally do, she comes home fearing for her life thinking I might swing around the corner with a bottle or baseball bat or something. She thinks I would beat her within an inch of her life.

I'm not going to go much further into it, but I would like you all to consider that I would never, NEVER physically hurt her like that. What happened with the other person, while foolish and a mistake, was a CONSCIOUS decision, and I know that it's not in me to consciously hurt a woman like that. I love her. And to me, although I can see the fear in her eyes when she tearily cries out how scared she gets, how afraid she is of me, it still sounds ridiculous she would even think that I could do that to her.

And because of this, even though she loves me and I love her, tonight she has broken up with me. In a painful, relatively quiet series of tragic happenings after an angry day I silently gathered my stuff in bags and left. What could I do to convince her something that was so real, so palpable to her as a genuine possibility, something to fear for the rest of her life, wasn't at all me. I tell her I would never do it. I tell her that while I'm capable of horrendous actions, so is the next guy. It's a choice. And I would never choose to hurt her that way. But beyond my word alone, what else can I do to show her.

Any advice? I do love this womoan, and I want her to come back to me, but is there nothing I can do to dissuade these pervading anxieties of hers?

Thank you for your time.

[trinidadtx]

Did she witness the assault? Either way, I think it's best you give her space. Any attempt at contact may be taken as forceful right now.

[surfhb]

Not much you can do Bro except learn from the experience. Shes thinking children in the equation and what you did was way off the charts. 98% of all men dont react the way you did so shes thinking she as better options.

[Mathias]

If your girlfriend came in here and told the same story from her point of view, what advice do you think we'd give?

There's no way she should stay. Take this as a life lesson and move on.

[bulrush]

Let's look at it from another point of view.

1. You can't control you anger.
2. You hold grudges for YEARS.
3. You assaulted someone. Is this your first assault charge? First felony charge? What are you not telling us?
4. You give all the appearance of being immature, and probably mentally unstable. A normal person doesn't hold a grudge for years.

I don't blame her for protecting herself. Try to learn from this. Grow up and stop assaulting people.

[Wakeup]

Was it a woman you nearly killed? I ask because it appears you went out of your way to NOT reveal the gender of who it is you hurt.

I would suggest that if you even want an inkling of a chance with reassuring your ex girlfriend that you are not an abuser and someone who is incapable of controlling the inner animal that you enroll yourself in an anger management course. Doing something tangible to show her that you are not going to lose it on her and physically beat her within a inch of her and her daughter's lives will go a whole lot further than you just Telling her that you'd never. I suspect that taking such a course would also go over pretty well in the judges eyes as well. I'm sure your lawyer can hook you up with a class/course near you.

Don't expect it to win her back though. No expectations = No disappointments. Do it for yourself as it's apparent that you have a hard time letting go of your anger and sense of being somehow offended.

[devonbrown]

The fear that she is saying she feels might not only be physical fear of you attacking her. It might be fear of being with you and then one day you getting into another fight and getting hauled away to jail leaving her alone with her daughter and any future children. She probably wants some stability, and if you made a choice to physically assault someone, that screams unstable.

And I agree with Wakeup about the anger management course. You need to take some steps and actions to show you want to be a better person. But from your post, I am not sure you want to be. You sound perfectly fine with assaulting another human being and think she should be okay with it as well, just because you say you would never hit her. But what if the next person you assault wouldn't mind hitting a woman. And then goes after her just to get to you? Ever consider that?

Unless you want to remove violence from your life, I have a feeling this woman will keep herself removed from your life.

[Kaius]

She has good reasons to be afraid. She has seen your anger and violence. You say you would never beat her now, but what if she did something that really pissed you off?
Unless you do something about your anger, you run the risk of hurting or killing somebody next time. She has a child to care about.... she can't risk having an uncontrollable
violent man in her life. What if you harm her baby? Then what?

Let her go man.... if you love her, let her live in peace. Try to somehow manage your anger and become a better person. it's not too late.
Many violent people convert to Buddhism, and become enlightened. You should try it.