Ex boyfriend lying to himself?

[Karla]

My ex bf is 36, I am 25. He likes younger women; he acted like the younger the better. He said a week before he met me he prayed to meet a nice girl between the ages of 20-23. Really he would go younger but he thought those were the ages he could get away with lol. I was 23 when we met, but I think what really attracted him was that I look a lot younger than I am. I get mistaken pretty much daily for 16-17. For him I think it was like hitting the jackpot, like jail-bait but legal. He said he’d never been so attracted and turned on before and he always told me he loved me. We waited like 6 months to say I love you because we wanted it to be real. But I think because of this he was embarrassed for me to meet his family. After 2 years of dating I had only talked to a few family members over the phone. He told them, “When you meet her you’re gonna go ‘wth, why are you with her she looks so young.’” We were talking about me moving in and it felt like I was going to meet the family soon. Anytime we weren't together he’d either call or text me constantly. We were best friends. He ended up leaving me a month ago for a 32 year old that isn't really his type. The only problem in our relationship was that he wanted me to go back to school and make more money to be able to afford the lifestyle we wanted, but this girl makes less than me, she works at a gas station. She has already met his family. At first I started to question if the last 2 years he lied about loving me. But I don’t think he did, it felt real. I know he had a really hard time letting me go. So my question is if you were in love with someone, they were sweet, nice, always let you have your guy time, treated you like a king, turned you on like no one else ever has, would you leave her for someone else that other people thought you looked more appropriate with? Is it really that big of a deal or is he making it a bigger deal? He looks young for 36 I think.

I’m hurt and broken-hearted. Damn looking young, It sucks. There’s nothing I can do to fix it. I’m actually very attractive; I just have a baby face. He has never told me this was the reason, I just know it is. I treated him too good for him to have another reason.

Maybe some of you will think this guy is sick for liking younger women. I can’t really feel that way since I look 10 years younger than I am. Of course I want to be with someone who is attracted to me.

[namemyname]

I don't think he was with you because of your age, and I don't think he's with the current woman because of her age.

Perhaps he woke up one day and realized he wanted someone more age appropriate emotionally.

[pcmaster]

Always wondering why youngs girls like you are okay to wreck their lifes for guys who isnt worth it. You sound attached to him but I dont see why hes so special. Maybe hes thinking the same. After all you are just a kid compared to him. That makes him pedo. Actually girls who are like 2-3 years younger than me I see as kids. They are too good for me cause life is like a zebra. Not with white and black stripes but theres is mouth at the begining and in the end there is... So that guy is closer to the end when you are more at the begining.

[namemyname]

Always wondering why youngs girls like you are okay to wreck their lifes for guys who isnt worth it. You sound attached to him but I dont see why hes so special. Maybe hes thinking the same. After all you are just a kid compared to him. That makes him pedo. Actually girls who are like 2-3 years younger than me I see as kids. They are too good for me cause life is like a zebra. Not with white and black stripes but theres is mouth at the begining and in the end there is... So that guy is closer to the end when you are more at the begining.

Oh c'mon. The guys not pedo. lol Yes, there's a big age gap, but that more speaks to his emotional maturity level. She's 25, not actually 15.

I think guys in their 30s that go for women this young do it because the girls lack experience, and the guy can get a way with a lot more BS, since the young lady doesn't know any better.

[Maple1714]

I think guys in their 30s that go for women this young do it because the girls lack experience, and the guy can get a way with a lot more BS, since the young lady doesn't know any better.

Yes, this and the guy is emotionally immature himself for whatever reasons.

Karla - He didn't leave you b/c your face looked too young. Although, if he is very shallow then maybe that played into it who knows? I hate to ask, but are you sure he wasn't cheating on you with this gas station girl? Seems odd he was hiding you from his family.

[Karla]

He wasn’t necessarily hiding me, his family all knew about me. And at his work they knew because that’s where we met. I work somewhere else now. I never asked or hinted to meet his family because I was so nervous. I have social anxiety and he said he didn’t know if I should meet them because he didn’t want me to be too quiet and for them to think I’m weird. Him saying that didn’t really help my anxiety so I was ok with it. I took the easy way out I guess. But I’ll never make that mistake in a relationship again!

And yes he was cheating the last 3 months. He would see her on weekends when he went out of town where she lived. When I found out I contacted her and she had no idea I existed. She forgave him apparently and as far as I know she just met some of his family. I don’t think she met them when I was still with him but I’m not sure. He had actually brought her up in a conversation before; he dated her when he was in his 20s. He told me “by the way, I was at my ex gf’s house last night cause she needed me to move an air conditioner.” When I asked more about it he said, “don’t worry, I would never get back with her. Her place was disgusting, she had dirty dishes that had been lying on the counters for weeks, she’s a huge pot head, and she’s anorexic. When we were together she would get bored sitting at the campfire with me and would go in the house and smoke pot alone.” So the thing that confuses me is that she sounds like a down grade, and I was really good to him. I can’t understand it. She doesn't even wear makeup, which is what he likes.

Oh and I was the more emotionally mature one, not him.

[namemyname]

how are you a pot head and anorexic? I thought it gave you the munchies. lol

Well, the latest addition to the story says a lot more. They have a history, so him leaving you isn't about your face.

Still, he CHEATED. So, **** him. Let him be her problem now.

[Maple1714]

He wasn’t necessarily hiding me, his family all knew about me. And at his work they knew because that’s where we met. I work somewhere else now. I never asked or hinted to meet his family because I was so nervous. I have social anxiety and he said he didn’t know if I should meet them because he didn’t want me to be too quiet and for them to think I’m weird. Him saying that didn’t really help my anxiety so I was ok with it. I took the easy way out I guess. But I’ll never make that mistake in a relationship again!

And yes he was cheating the last 3 months. He would see her on weekends when he went out of town where she lived. When I found out I contacted her and she had no idea I existed. She forgave him apparently and as far as I know she just met some of his family. I don’t think she met them when I was still with him but I’m not sure. He had actually brought her up in a conversation before; he dated her when he was in his 20s. He told me “by the way, I was at my ex gf’s house last night cause she needed me to move an air conditioner.” When I asked more about it he said, “don’t worry, I would never get back with her. Her place was disgusting, she had dirty dishes that had been lying on the counters for weeks, she’s a huge pot head, and she’s anorexic. When we were together she would get bored sitting at the campfire with me and would go in the house and smoke pot alone.” So the thing that confuses me is that she sounds like a down grade, and I was really good to him. I can’t understand it. She doesn't even wear makeup, which is what he likes.

Oh and I was the more emotionally mature one, not him.

Sorry, that he was cheating. He sounds like a real piece of work and kind of dumb. He also sounds very immature and you should stay away from him forever. He is the type of guy that will either date/be with younger girls like yourself or dumb women closer to his age. You should have left him after he gave you that line about why he didn't want you to meet his family. You also should have left him when he told you how much he liked young looking girls and that was essentially why he liked you...b/c you turned him on physically. "Men" who express that most of their attraction for you is based on looks/sex, are probably pretty shallow in general and will have a tendency to use & abuse....IMO. Watch out for these men...they come on strong in the beginning and then end up just lying, cheating and stringing you along. These types are mostly driven by selfish desires...most of the time they can't help...they just lack the mental/intellectual fortitude to see past the ego's desires and really get to know a woman.

Moving forward, you should surround yourself with people who build you up...positive people who appreciate and support who you are. Not some douche who feeds you lines and cheats on you. Watch out for yourself and wait for a nice guy who treats you well.

[Karla]

Thank you for the advice. I know deep down your right. I miss him a lot. But even if I did get back with him I don’t want to be someone who gives everything to a man who in a few years will be cheating on me again. And I’d never know if he’s doing what he says he’s doing on the weekends he’s away. It’s amazing how easily he could come up with the lies and I believed them all. I trusted him 100%, no doubt in my mind. I felt so safe with him.

It’s funny because when he was 5 his parents got divorced because his dad had an affair with an 18 year old. The whole family, even his brother and sister quit talking to the dad because they were so mad. He’s the only one who kept contact with him but he still doesn’t like him. He said he’d never cheat because of that, what a bunch of bs. Like father like son I guess.

Looking back I remember there were a hand few of times we were laying down for bed and he’d say stuff like, “don’t fall in love with me,” I’d be like what are you talking about, he’d say, “I’m a bad person, I’ve done really bad things in my life.” It wasn’t fair for him to say that, I had already been in love with him, and he always said he loved me. I kinda thought he was kidding; I’ve looked up his record, its clean lol. He must have meant he’s been a cheater his whole life, idk.

I don’t know if any of you watch oprah’s lifeclass, but the part of those episodes that always stuck with me was the one with Maya Angelou: When People Show You Who They Are, Believe Them. I saw it on tv during the time he said he was a bad person. I watched it with my mom and she said, “see, listen to him when he says that.” But I didn’t, I just said, “no, you’re not bad.” Well he showed me. I’m still not totally there because I miss him a lot, but I’ll get it someday. I hate that I don’t get her channel anymore; it was my fav show lol.

[Karla]

Do you think men like this ever feel bad about what they did? Or at least feel bad about themselves for being this way?

[Maple1714]

You'll get over this guy. Just be careful not to get involved with his type again. He really is a loser....

I've fallen for a couple losers in my dating lifetime. While I was with them I didn't see how bad they actually were...once I was out I saw the light! Haha. Sometimes I still can't believe how blinded I was at the time. Keep reminding yourself that you are worthy of a man who wont lie and cheat. Have some more confidence in yourself. Love yourself and you will repel people like this guy.

[namemyname]

Do you think men like this ever feel bad about what they did? Or at least feel bad about themselves for being this way?

Nope. Otherwise they wouldn't do it.

And, absolutely - it's a rite of passage for women to realize that when a guy tells you something like that, LISTEN. If he says he doesn't want a relationship, marriage, kids, etc. LISTEN. Most women think they will "change" a man. Ain't gonna happen.

You're doing great - keep up the NC.

[Maple1714]

Do you think men like this ever feel bad about what they did? Or at least feel bad about themselves for being this way?

Maybe. Generally speaking though, men that have father issues and poor male role models growing up tend to get lost. They get stuck in the pain from childhood and unless they are very strong individuals they might not ever pull out of that pain. Hence, they become what they are running from...they become a reflection of that pain....the apple doesn't fall far type of thing.

He may feel bad one day...but that's his deal not yours. You need to focus on yourself and work on your own issues. Become stronger from this, so you can spot a loser early on and let them pass on by!

[TablesandChairs]

Younger women are more gullible, they're easier to lie to...and just overall more naive. Whereas a mature woman would have expectations, a girl doesn't really know what to 'expect'. Where an older woman may have said 'Okay, f--ck you then' when he said 'Don't fall in love with me, I'm a bad guy' etc., you said "Aww, no you're not". It's not just about looks - yes, some guys are attracted to young women physically, but there are often other reasons also. When your partner is young/inexperienced, they're easier to manipulate and far less likely to pick up on your flaws.

As a general rule, I stick to my age-range...because I want a partner who is roughly at the same stage of life as I am. I personally don't understand people who date much younger or much older...I know sometimes 'love' just happens and that's fine, but it wouldn't be something i actively looked for.

[Kromat83]

As a general rule, I stick to my age-range...because I want a partner who is roughly at the same stage of life as I am. I personally don't understand people who date much younger or much older...I know sometimes 'love' just happens and that's fine, but it wouldn't be something i actively looked for.

Around your age by how much ?

I think between 4 years younger and 2 years older
than me, is a fine gap, for me anyways.