Boyfriend cheated on me more than one, but I still want him.

[lemadqm]

Note: Story is long, but I wanted to give all the details needed for the story to make sense.
I also just needed an outlet for my emotions, and feel a lot better after writing this.


My ex-boyfriend (25) and I (24) dated for 2 years and 9 months. We are currently broken up at the moment, however still texting a little. My boyfriend is an international student who has just this fall semester left until he is done with school, so his time in America is very limited. Currently he only has a little more than a year left until his student visa expires, and would have to go back to his home country unless he gets married to a citizen or finds a job that will sponsor him.

Anyways, because we did date for a while, we started talking about marriage since a couple months back, before we broke up. However, I have always been skeptical to fully trust him while we were together. I ended up looking through his phone once and found out he has been talking very flirty with a girl who's a friend of his. He also suggested to her that if they both don't get married by the age of 40, they should get married. After reading that, I was furious thinking how can he talk about things like that with another girl when he and I are in a relationship. I confessed that I looked through his phone and all his conversations, and demanded an answer as to why he felt the need to say things like that to her. His excuse was that he was slightly drunk and didn't really mean it. I eventually forgave him.
While looking through his conversation with the above girl, I also found out that he had messed around up with some girl while we were once on a break. I was upset, I never thought he would actually go out and do something like that, although he didn’t hook up with her I was still upset it would be so easy for him to go find another girl. But, I guess it was kind of my fault for not communicating clearly on whether we would go see other people during the break. So I eventually let that go as well.

After finding out about the above 2 situations, it became really difficult for me to trust him during our time together. Yeah, he didn’t really “cheat” on me, because he never really hooked up or anything, but I was constantly stressed out, thinking about what he might be doing. If he was out drunk and high with other girls, cheating on me. If he was talking flirty with his female friend again. The reason why the things he did bothered me so much was because I felt super insecure about myself. Thing is, he didn’t date a lot and I was his first real girlfriend. It didn't bother me at first, however the more and more I thought about it and talked with him, the more insecure I starting feeling. He was constantly talking about wanting to have sex with other girls because he did not have much experience. Like most guys, he loved girls with big boobs and a butt. Unfortunately, I am pretty naturally very skinny and it's difficult for me to gain a single pound, even though I eat a decent amount of food. I also am unluckily not so blessed in the boob area, so he would constantly talk about my weight, my boobs, telling me to gain weight, to do squats, make my but bigger, to eat more and he would buy me protein shakes, that if I only had a little bit more fat on me, I’d be perfect. I felt I wasn’t good enough, my insecurities were killing me.

Couple months later, I find out they had a new housemate. (He lives with 2 other people). I didn’t know about it, but it turned out it was a girl, a couple years older than him. (I want to mention that he has a thing for older women.) It slipped out of his mouth. I ask him what he meant, and he realized what he said. I was so mad, I immediately thought without a doubt, it would be a guy. He knew that’s what I thought too, obviously. Otherwise he wouldn’t have looked surprised when he realized what he said in front of me. He knew he was hiding it from me. He told me he didn’t tell me because he knew I would make it a big deal out of it. He told me he saw her as a friend and that NOTHING would ever happen between them. I decided to trust him, but something wasn’t feeling right. He would never let me go over to his house anymore. He wouldn’t invite me, which was odd. He always invited me over before she moved in. I asked him why, he told me it was because his room was too messy. But that didn’t make sense to me, he has invited me over in the past when his room was looking like a dumpster. My intuition was telling me something was going on, but I let it go, because I didn’t have any proof.

Forward to a couple months later, he decided to go to abroad for 3 months. It was a program they offered at school to teach English in a developing country. He promised to contact me daily, send a lot of photos, and most importantly, that he would not do anything that would put our relationship on the line. I decided to trust him for once, I realized that no matter how much I’m stressing out, it’s not going to matter. Whether I like it or not, he will do what he wants. He told me, that after he came back, he would commit to me 100%. So, I decided that it’s better off for me to stop worrying, and let him enjoy his time there. I told him to go have fun and make a lot of new friends. I tried to give him the freedom that he deserved and wanted. I didn’t want him to feel trapped by me, because of how I felt about myself. So for 3 months, he sent me a lot of photos of wherever he travelled to and did contact me almost daily. I noticed that he drank a lot while he was there with his friends, sometimes to the point where he wouldn’t text me for a day or two. It was getting to me a little, but I tried not to think about it, and reminded myself that I need to trust this guy. This was what I constantly reminded myself during the 3 months he was away.
After the 3 months, he came back. I took the day off work to pick him up at the airport and go around town with him to help him get settled because he was moving into a new place. We stayed together the whole day catching up, I was happy to see him and have him back. I missed him so much, I missed looking at his face, smelling his scent, and listening to his voice. I had dreams while he was gone, that he was cheating on me. I had multiple dreams of him cheating on me, leaving me for someone else. I told him about it, and jokingly accused him of cheating on me. He looked at me like I was crazy, that I was thinking too much about it.

Couple days later, during the weekends, he would decide to come over, which was not normal for me. I was usually the one to go over to him and hang out near his place (we live about 15 miles apart). But he didn’t like his new place because he had to share a room with his roommate, so instead he would stay over my place during the weekends. It was a little past his birthday, so my parents wanted to bbq for him, which was his favorite. It has been a while since we we slept together, I missed sleeping next to him, I was happy.
Fast forward to now (a week and a half ago), he brought up marriage again. Something about the conversation felt off. The way he was talking seemed to me like he was wanting to get married to me because he wanted his green card. I can sense he felt rushed, that he didn’t have much time left here. I was confused and upset. I told him how I felt about what he was saying to me. The conversation started getting a little heated, but we were both still trying to hear each other out. I wanted to know what exactly he was thinking. We decided to part ways after that, saying we’ll talk about it more later on. We kissed and parted ways confused.

He didn’t text/reply to me me for 5 days after that day we last saw each other, I started getting worried about him, thinking something might’ve happened to him. I eventually got fed up with him ignoring my texts, I decided to call him. During our phone conversation, he tells me he doesn’t see me as a woman anymore. He confessed he cheated on me when he went abroad, but he didn’t mean it, he was drunk. I was FURIOUS. I trusted him, he told me to trust him. I was going ballistic, crying and screaming at him over the phone. Right when I thought that would be the end of that, he confessed to me once more, that he cheated on me with the girl roommate from his previous house. He told me he was really high, he didn’t mean it. I realized at that moment, that all the things I had accused him of, had actually been going on and I didn’t know about it. My intuition was right, but he told me to trust him, so I trusted him. I was mad at myself, I felt like an idiot. I couldn’t believe that after he cheated on me, he would have the nerve to come over to my place, sleep with me in my bed, be all lovey-dovey with me, eat the food my parents cooked for him, act all innocent, when he knows he doesn’t deserve any of that. I was the idiot that didn’t know that all this was happening. How could I not have seen the red flags? We haven’t had sex in almost 8-9 months. It was because he has having sex with someone else. I felt disgusted and extremely mad. Even now when I think about it, I can’t believe I kissed him throughout this whole time and held hands with him, even slept in the same bed as him, who knows where his mouth has been and what he's done with other girls. We basically broke up over the phone.

I had some things that I wanted to let him know, so I texted him my last thoughts and I thought that would be the end of our conversation forever. He texted me couple minutes later saying how sorry he is, that he ruined everything. He didn’t mean to lie to me. He was explaining his side of the story to me. He told me he felt insecure while dating me (he has his own reasons), which led him to think that having sex with other girls would help him boost his self-esteem, basically man him up. After listening to him, I understood where he was coming from, and how he must’ve felt. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that he chose to cheat on me, more than once.

Currently, I am feeling super distressed and very emotional, basically bipolar. He tells me he is sorry, he has commitment issues, but he wants to change. Even after finding this out, I still love him. I hate him but I love him now more than I ever have. This is embarrassing to say, but if he holds onto me, I feel like I might just go back to him. But I don’t want to. I know what’s best for me is breaking up with him, but my heart doesn’t allow me to. He is like an escape for me. I never told him about this but I have anxiety and depression, and so for someone who is dealing with that, although I couldn’t fully trust him throughout our relationship, he's my home and I feel most comfortable around him. I don’t know if that even makes any sense. I felt like when I was with him, although I felt insecure about myself and he didn't help with making me feel better, I didn’t think about the stress at work, I didn’t think about the things going on at home, I felt safe. I wasn't anxious about anything when I was with him. Even though my heart wasn’t at peace, my mind was, which is the best I ever felt. I'm scared I'm going to lose my home. I'm scared I won't be able to find another home that feels like this. I'm scared to lose him, but at the same time, I know I deserve better.

I’m just scared that this is all finally over. I want him to hold onto me. I feel like I might hold onto him if he doesn’t do it, and this makes me feel like the stupidest person ever. People tell me I’m an idiot, for wanting to go back, and I totally agree. They tell me he will think because I forgave him, that it’s okay to cheat on me now and will continue to do so, and maybe even worse... and I know that’s a possibility. I will continue to have trust issues if I stay with him. I will continue to stay insecure about myself, and stress out about him all the time. But the other side of me is telling me, what if he’s telling the truth this time, what if it's for real this time. He is letting his heart out now, telling me what and how he’s felt during our relationship, what he’s been going through, and why he acted a certain way. He’s telling me everything now, things I didn’t know before, things he hid from me, and I’m also doing the same. We’re spilling our hearts out, after we’ve broken up. I don’t know what to do, I still want him so bad, but I don’t at the same time. I need some honest advice. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[madotnw_nihs]

You have gotten the advice from your friends and they are correct. Even if he doesn't actually cheat again, it will always be in the back of your mind and you will not be happy. Being drunk and high are not excuses for this behavior. To me, it actually shows what the person really wants to do because they don't think about the consequences. Be strong and find a guy you can trust.

[Banuel Dogayman]

You should think to yourself if it possible for you to be with him. I,for example,couldn't be him after this situation because I would have the fear he would do it again.
If you chooce to get him back you have to talk with him about everything and share your thoughts and feeling.You also should be very careful with him in order to no be hurt again!
If you chooce to move on,you have to do it in the right way.. I will explain you how to do it with love

[Spinosaurus]

Stop ignoring all the red flags. Tell him its over and block him completly. Definitely don't marry him. It is difficult to take this step because you have feelings for him, but be strong and you will thank yourself in a few months from now :-)

I think that in your heart you know you will become terribly unhappy if you stay with him. You have put aside your own value to be in a relationship with this guy, I think you should never do that. Now, what more boundaries does he have to cross for you to say no it is enough?

I agree with the statement that letting him back in is rewarding his behavior, as you teach him he can treat you like this without any real consequence (you getting angry at him is not a consequence). Please consider that you can basically already predict the future by looking at someone's consequent past behavior. He has been demeaning to you about your appearance. He lied to you. He cheated on you. Are these qualities you wish from your partner? You would be consciously fooling yourself if you think he will change.

I hope you take the advice you get from your close friends and family to heart, because they are the ones that have the best intentions for you.

Best wishes

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I want to add that you deserve a better partner, but you will have to set the bar. Learn from this experience