End it or Continue to try?

[LonelyInLove061]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 3 years and living together for over 2 years. We moved in together when we both relocated to a new city that was closer to his family and further away from mine. When we moved we discussed whether to move in together. Rent was so expensive I told him if we were going to spend every night together anyways why not save on rent. That was a mistake.

Both of is work full time jobs. However, when it comes to helping out around our home it's a constant fight. I will ask him to help clean or pick up after himself and he will tell me to stop giving him orders, yet if I don't ask him to help he won't lift a finger because he claims he doesn't know what to do. But when it comes to his parents house, he is constantly volunteering to go there and help out. We don't have a yard, I take care of my own vehicles and handle it when things get broken so I don't feel I'm out of line for asking him to clean up after himself or help keep our house nice.

When it comes to my family we see them maybe 12 times a year and it's always a fight to get him to go with me. We see his family almost every weekend. My parents came to visit one weekend and my boyfriend was hunting with his cousins and I told him I wanted him to be home to have dinner with my parents when they got here and I got told once again that I had to stop ordering him around.

I have been in other serious relationships and I have never felt like I could never ask a boyfriend to do anything for me without being told I'm "giving orders". In fact, he has told me I shouldn't have expectations of him as he has none of me.

Is this normal? I feel so lost and alone I don't know what to do anymore.

[TheEvilJester]

It's a little hard to comment in a situation like this because we aren't able to see this from both sides. I say that only because some people can be super clean and others not so much. IF there is some chance maybe you are super clean, maybe he is more relaxed and WOULD get around to cleaning and chores on his own, it's just that you want him to do it sooner. I only say that because I've had that experience before in a relationship. My ex was ridiculous. She expected things to be basically spotless and perfect. I personally cannot live like that. It's too much. You can't clean constantly, all day every day. Life is dirty. It will never be perfect. BUT.... left to myself.... I'd clean pretty regularly, it just wouldn't be constantly ever day. I'd be okay with things not looking so clean it looks like we don't even live there.

...Now, all that said.... that doesn't SOUND like the case here for me. I could be wrong... but it doesn't sound to me like you are a clean freak. Your feelings on this sound pretty reasonable to me. If the truth is that it seems like he NEVER helps out, then that is NOT okay. Equally not okay is that he gives you disrespect for so much as asking. Why should you have to accept a relationship where you basically have to live walking on egg shells not wanting to even make so much as a friendly request for some damn help around the house?

Not to mention, there is nothing wrong with you asking him to be home for dinner with your parents. ESPECIALLY since you get to see them so rarely. I mean, if that didn't work for him, that's fine. If he didn't think he could make that work, fine. But he can tell you that respectfully. It can be a DISCUSSION. He shouldn't be so dismissive and disrespectful.

The good news is, all these things you describe are often problems in relationships.... and they don't HAVE to be the death of the relationship. These are things that ARE simple enough that they should be able to be fixed. So, talk to him about all this. Do not talk to him at a moment when things are heated. For example, don't talk to him about it after you've asked him to help with cleaning and he's been rude and dismissive. Wait until a time when you've let yourself calm down. When you can discuss it with a level head. Then, don't directly accuse him of doing anything wrong, even if maybe he has. I've often heard a suggestion I think is really good which is to use "I feel" type statements. Try to help him understand how his behaviors make you feel. Allow for the conversation to be two sided and work to try to come up with what works for you both.

Maybe, for example, the two of you can discuss it and learn what each of you, left to yourself, would consider a reasonable cleaning schedule. Maybe you two aren't so far off and can find a way to each share the chores yet still feel both are pulling their weight properly. These don't sound like problems that HAVE to doom the relationship if you just talk about them. Communication is key.

Good luck to you.

[Hooo!]

what a stupid thing to say you dont expect anything from your partner
it is always normal that you have certain issues

i am the male counterpart in my relationship. im rather lazy when it comes to householdy things
but i dont bicker if my wife tells me to get shit done.

you have 3 options
1) deal with it
2) tell him what you feel with your two issues (on seperate occasions possibly) and how you are going to deal with it
3) leave the relationship

you are both working for each other in a relationship
and you have every right to ask him to do things if he doesnt do it on his own.
if he cannot accept this he is (in my humble oppinion) not able to be part of a long term successfull relationship (or he does not want to be)

[TheEvilJester]

what a stupid thing to say you dont expect anything from your partner

I actually have to point out that I agree with Hooo in such that I think that is a really misunderstood notion. I've always kind of thought it was completely wrong, unfair, and unrealistic to say things like true love means you love the person without expecting anything in return. I respectfully disagree. I don't think that is true love, I think that is being a doormat. In my personal opinion, true love is reciprocal. If you love somebody who does not love you back, or worse even is bad for you... that's not healthy.

In love, we all expect something back. We expect love in return, we expect a supportive partner, we expect just that... a PARTNER. Somebody to share in everything. There's nothing wrong with that. That is what love SHOULD be. I do agree that there is a limit, of course. But, when the things you want/expect out of a relationship are just the same basic things any normal human would want in a relationship, there is nothing wrong with that.

That was sort of just a side note, though. I definitely get the sense Lonelyinlove does understand that because I'd agree some respect in the way she is asking is NOT so much to ask. I just thought that was an interesting topic, though.

[LonelyInLove061]

Thank you for your responses. In response to EvilJester, I have relaxed a lot since we have moved in together. I usually clean our whole place once a week and then it's just the normal stuff like doing dishes the other days of the week. Tonight we got into a fight because I came home sick from work and he hasn't talked to me in over a week because he had to have dinner with my parents and I told him I was sick and he asked what he was supposed to do about it. So I didn't get accuser of giving orders I went to the grocery store and bought myself soup and took care of myself while he made himself dinner and sat on the couch. Ultimately what I need is someone who is willing to give as much as I am and unfortunately that's not him.

[Hooo!]

Then your way forward is obvious, no?

[JediLin]

Relationships are already difficult, living with someone just adds on to it. At the end of the day it is your decision if you should leave the relationship or not. Living together and not married, will cause extra conflict that is not needed because of the lack of commitment to the relationship. Have you talked to your parents about your situation, they might be able to give you better advice since they know you both personally? Please know someone out here is praying for you for guidance and direction.

[richiro]

Whether it's normal or not doesn't matter. Whether it's what you want in a relaitonship or not is what matters.

An objective synopsis of what's going on here is this: your'e both imposing your own expectations on the other person. "if i do A, then they need to do A". and yes HE IS imposing his on yours as well the other way aroujnd.. "becuase i don't ask her to do things, she can't ask me to do things"... that's still "If i do A" (aka don't ask her to do things), "then they need to A" (aka don't ask me to do things).

So this is the biggest lesson in a relationship. It's really the coming together of 2 individuals. what you do or don't do should be what you WANT TO DO and not do. And GOOD relationships, both people WANT to do things to support the other - right? So in essence, he should "want" to help out with the house so it makes it easier on you and your life isn't about work. You should "want" him to enjoy his life by not always asking him to do stuff he doens't want to do (what kind of a partner does that????) THIS is what is meant by "sacrifice"... it JUST can't be YOUR way, YOUR ideas, and what YOU want... see?

So.. that being said.. is ther a middle ground that works for the both of you? Can he have "his area" that is a mess that "low maintenance" is applied? Say.. a "mancave"? Can you have yoru own area that stays pristine and together that HE can't go and mess up (area can be your car as much as a "woman cave")? If you insist he has to be like you, and he insists you have to be like him - then there is no relationship here.

[TheEvilJester]

Thank you for your responses. In response to EvilJester, I have relaxed a lot since we have moved in together. I usually clean our whole place once a week and then it's just the normal stuff like doing dishes the other days of the week. Tonight we got into a fight because I came home sick from work and he hasn't talked to me in over a week because he had to have dinner with my parents and I told him I was sick and he asked what he was supposed to do about it. So I didn't get accuser of giving orders I went to the grocery store and bought myself soup and took care of myself while he made himself dinner and sat on the couch. Ultimately what I need is someone who is willing to give as much as I am and unfortunately that's not him.

And again, yet more evidence that makes me feel exactly the way I did when I first read your story. I don't think what you are expecting, what you are asking out of this relationship, is too much. I don't think it is unreasonable in the slightest. Okay, so maybe it isn't like you can necessarily expect that if you are sick he'll bend over backwards and know exactly what to do. You can't expect he'll drop everything and wait on you hand and foot. ....But, unless I'm wrong, I don't think that's what you were asking or even expecting. Just a little god damn human decency was all you were expecting, and I'm sorry, but that's NOT expecting too much of a relationship.

I am sure if, instead of being a rude prick (sorry to be so harsh, but I can't stand people like that) if he would have just even said "Oh, I'm so sorry. I hope you feel better," even that would have been enough. Even just that little bit of a sign that he cares, I'm sure, would have been enough. His response was rude and dismissive, not to mention immature. On the topic of immature.... so he gives you the silent treatment for DAYS because... oh my GOD... you had the NERVE to ask him to have dinner with your parents? HOW DARE YOU ask him to do that? Hopefully it is obvious I was being sarcastic. Again, if he had other plans or something, that's perfectly fine. It's not like your request was a DEMAND. At least, I don't think so. But, if he had other plans he could have just said that, discussed it with you. Maybe he could have re-arranged his plans to allow him to have dinner with your parents. Maybe you and your parents could have re-arranged to a better time for him. Maybe you and he could have agreed he'd miss it just this once. That's the sort of give and take that happens in a normal relationship. The fact that he not only stubbornly refuses to even discuss it.... but treats you so rudely about it to me just shows that maybe he's not mature enough to be in a relationship at all.

Again, maybe I'm being too harsh. I don't know. But, it certainly doesn't sound to me like he shows you the proper respect anybody would deserve in a relationship. Maybe there are other issues right now and he's just not dealing with them well. Again, hence why communication is always key. It's just... he has to actually be willing to communicate with you in the first place to make that work. Good luck. I hope this works out for you in whatever way winds up being for the best.

[janelove121]

Contact Dr. DUGO on E-mail: dugo_d()yahoo.com, he has the spiritual charm to make everything right back for you. Trust me

[HelpmePlease10]

trying to fill up my 15 posts to PM sorry.

[TheEvilJester]

trying to fill up my 15 posts to PM sorry.

Seriously? And, by the way, that "seriously" is NOT aimed at you, Helpme. I'm saying seriously because I didn't even know we had a limitation like that. I mean, I guess I can understand not wanting to extend PM abilities to any user who just pops in for a hiccup, basically. But, I mean, are there really that many people who come in and post maybe once or twice and then try to PM people?

Not that big a deal, but I just find that weird. LOL! Okay, end gripe. We can get back on topic now.