Back to friendship - are we on the right track?

[Daniela06]

This guy and I have been dating exclusively for 2 months. A couple days ago we had a very open and honest talk about us and we both decided that it's better to be friends for now. He already told me a while ago that he still isn't ready to fully committ again and can't give 100% right now since he broke up with his ex 5 months ago (they were together for 2 years) and hasn't been single for the last 8 years. I thought I could handle the situation and we said we would just take things slowly. However, everytime we saw each other after that I felt that he was holding back which made me hold back in return. I like him so much and I always want to be around him but I realized that I couldn't really be myself because of that situation and it was killing me.

So I told him that I thought I can handle the situation but that I realized I can't. He told me that if he would just listen to his heart then it would be clear to him but his head tells him that he's not ready yet. He took my hand and was holding it all the time while he told me very personal things. He said that he's falling in love with me but he doesn't want to ruin things cause he isn't totally emotionally available yet. He's worried that if things go on that way, it would drive me away from him cause he's walled-up sometimes. We agreed that we should stop having romantic dinners, sleeping together, etc. It was very sad but I knew it was the right thing to do. He also said that he doesn't want to date other people again and that this is only about us and about getting to the point where he can have a serious relationship with me and not about wanting to date other people again. He also made me promise him that if in a while from now I think that I can't do the friendship thing anymore and it's either all or nothing for me, that I won't just walk away from him and disappear but that I will tell him so that he can do something about it.

In the end he looked me deeply in the eyes and told me that he really likes me and that he knows he can't expect me to wait for him but he said "Please don't give up on me yet". The way he said it was so intense and he almost looked teary-eyed. I was totally moved. I told him that I really like him too and I don't want to give up on him. It was the most intense moment we ever had. He said that this was all he needed to know.

We hung out at a cafe yesterday, had a great time as always but it was hard for me to be just friends. When I said goodbye he wanted to give me a little kiss but I turned away and just hugged him even though all I really wanted was to kiss him. We'll keep hanging out (he asked me if I want to do sth tonight) but I'm going to miss being close to him so much. Well, if I really can't do it then I'll call him and tell him like he made me promise him.

He is the first guy I ever met where I think he could be the one and I want to do things right. I think my obsession and being in love with him is turning into love and I don't want to lose him. I'm wondering if I should really act like a friend now, give him a lot of space and hope that he will miss me and that this will make him get over his past faster, or if I should keep in touch a lot and show him every once in a while that I care about him and remind him of what he's missing. I want to give him time but I don't want to risk losing him.

Any advice for me? Does it sound like he's serious and there is a chance? Sometimes I think if he really liked me that much he would be ready already but then again he takes relationships very seriously and wants to be completely over his past and be 100% emotionally available.

[King_For_A_DAy]

Sounds to me like you should stay close to him. Take this kisses and hugs for what they are. Basically like unoficially going out. You two are seeing each other and no one else, but if either of you felt something for someone else then you stop the closeness and give it a shot with the new person. If the new person fails and you two find each other again, then you'll know that you want him and he'll be ready to not "lose" you again.

That's just what I think. I'm in the same situation, kind of.

[Tone]

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/t11210-could-he-be-a-player-advice-please.html[/url]
[url]http://www.loveforum.net/t11352-why-does-he-never-call-even-though-he-seems-so-interested.html[/url]
[url]http://www.loveforum.net/t11412-exclusive-dating-but-no-commitment-in-the-future.html[/url]
And last but not least:
[url]http://www.loveforum.net/t11277-my-guy-is-sleeping-with-someone-else---help-please.html[/url]

I don't like the sound of this guy. I don't trust him from what you've told us about him. I think he's taking advantage of your sincere and genuinely sweet nature. So I stick to what I've said in all those threads.

But what do I know?

[Rosebud]

My goodness... I didn't realize there was so many other threads about this guy! Yikes, I'm going to have to agree with tone on this one....Good Lord!

[vashti]

Daniela, I am starting to wonder if you walk around with a "kick me" sign on your back...

[squirrley]

His name wouldnt happen to be Mark? I dated this EXACT same guy last year. And I let it go on and on and on AS FRIENDS thinking that I could be the one to pull him out of his whatever it was, and eventually I had to just cut the ties. Im not trying to put a damper on your situation but believe me, I heard this stuff word for word and ended up getting terribly hurt in the long run.

Youre going to do what you want regardless of what anyone tells you on here, but I would keep my gaurds up. Dont put ALL of your hope in this relationship thinking this guy is going to eventually come around. The best thing you can do, which is what I shouldve done, well, I did but too late along, was to go on with my life, and be just that a friend, and dont close the doors to dating other people.

Goodluck, but girl let me tell you its a common line some men use to keep you on the back burner...Im sorry but its true.

[King_For_A_DAy]

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/t11210-could-he-be-a-player-advice-please.html[/url]
[url]http://www.loveforum.net/t11352-why-does-he-never-call-even-though-he-seems-so-interested.html[/url]
[url]http://www.loveforum.net/t11412-exclusive-dating-but-no-commitment-in-the-future.html[/url]
And last but not least:
[url]http://www.loveforum.net/t11277-my-guy-is-sleeping-with-someone-else---help-please.html[/url]

I don't like the sound of this guy. I don't trust him from what you've told us about him. I think he's taking advantage of your sincere and genuinely sweet nature. So I stick to what I've said in all those threads.

But what do I know?

Whoa. I had no idea about these.

[misombra]

dump him.
________

[indigosoul]

So I told him that I thought I can handle the situation but that I realized I can't. He told me that if he would just listen to his heart then it would be clear to him but his head tells him that he's not ready yet. He took my hand and was holding it all the time while he told me very personal things. He said that he's falling in love with me but he doesn't want to ruin things cause he isn't totally emotionally available yet. He's worried that if things go on that way, it would drive me away from him cause he's walled-up sometimes.

All i can say is, if he really wants you he will get over whatever else is going on with him. It sounds like he isn't over this other person. Maybe never will be. You sound like you're looking for an LTR. Just remember the rule: What you see IS what you'll get. He's got a particular style of dealing w/emotions that isn't for everyone. If you think you can deal with someone emotionally walled say, 10 years from now, then go for it.

I wouldn't let this continue if I were you. I'd tell him how you feel, and all that stuff, then say that you feel he needs time to sort his stuff out. Give him that space. If he really cares, he'll love and respect you all the more for allowing him this time to think.

[indigosoul]

dump him.
________

LOL. I guess I AM saying this, but with the proviso that, while you won't wait, you might be persuaded to try again in future if the conditions are right.

[Daniela06]

It's over.

He just called me and told me that he needs to talk to me in person when he comes back from a weekend trip on Sunday evening. I asked him good or bad cause I already knew what it was about. We talked a bit on the phone then. He said that he feels things are awkward and he realized that he can't go on like this. It's either all or nothing for him and he isn't ready for "all" right now. He said that if he was ready for a new relationship it would be with me but he isn't ready right now.

So we're going to talk on Sunday but it's practically over already. I'm so shocked. I thought that I had finally found the right guy and I'm totally in love with him.

[indigosoul]

I'm really sorry, Daniela.

[Chlorine]

Daniela06---Read your whole post and just to sum it up, I think this guy is unsure of himself and also selfish.
Unsure - yo-yoing about, "I like you, but I don't want you just yet, but I don't want you to leave, but my heart's not in it totally..." etc etc
Selfish - Thinks from his perspective and is not being fair to you.

As for you, I see you posting about all your feelings for this guy and you're investing all this energy (emotions/thoughts) and time (seeing him/thinking of him & you) and bottom line is, you are not getting what you want.

You want him. He does not want you (at this point in time).

Just give it up.

[vashti]

Try to learn whatever lesson(s) you were supposed to learn in this relationship, and you'll be ready when a good guy comes along, sweety. We've all been in your shoes at one time or another, and most of us learn to pick better. Hang in there.

[Tone]

Daniela, keep that chin up, darlin.

You'll meet someone who actually DESERVES to be with someone as nice, loyal, and sweet as you - unlike this jerkoff.

Dirt on your shoulders, that's all.