Help! Affair, cheating, children involved, bad situation

[confused1436]

I am in a horrible situation that I allowed myself to get into, I started an affair with my boss, he's married, I can't believe I let myself get into this but I did and now I'm involved. He says he had cheated on her before, a couple times actually, and was pressured to get married. (Not trying to justify anything at all, but I think that was why I didn't respect their marriage, because I never would've thought I'd be in this situation) Now they've been married 6 years and have 2 beautiful little girls.

He told his wife about us in July (in July we had this realtionship for 9 months already)and expected her to want a divorce, she doesn't want to. The 3 of us talked (her, him and I) and I apologized to her. They decided that day that they would work on their marriage. We decided to cut all ties, I even quit my job, but he came knocking on my door one night telling me that he is miserable, that he realizes he is only there at home because of his baby girls, and that he is confused if he should stay with his wife and sacrifice his life/happiness for his kids...

Recently (last weekend) she found out that he has still be seeing me, (we went to have a drink last Friday) and even though I KNOW it was wrong, I still wanted to talk to him to see how he was doing.

Long story short, he feels bad for going about this the wrong way and SO DO I believe it or not, but it's too late now. Is he supposed to stay in his marriage so the girls grow up with both parents together? He said that he realized if it wasnt me he probably would be going through this with someone else because he realized from all this that he doesn't have the feelings he is supposed to have for his spouse. Go for it, hit me with your best shot, I've heard it ALL......

[nuevo]

Is he supposed to stay in his marriage so the girls grow up with both parents together?

YES

I'm not ganna tell you things you already know, I think you should go out with other guys and start a long-term relationship to forget this guy, and eventually he will forget you.

Destroy a family is the worst thing you can do, even if he isn't happy.

I don't know how old are you, but you have time, try new people, start new relationships without feeling bad about what you are doing...

[Only-virgins]

This entire story is screwed up. Everything from the cheating all the way to the wife not caring.

[vashti]

Yes, of course he should stay with his family for the sake of his daughters if his wife is willing to keep him. That is what being a grown up with a family is all about... sacrifice.

Shame on you for behaving so badly. How could you look that woman in the eye, apologize, and do it again? If his wife is smart enough (and financially able) to kick him to the curb, you should keep him. You both deserve such rotten people as a mate, and then in a few years when the spark dies down with you, he can treat you as badly as he does his wife.

[IndiReloaded]

You know what you need to do. You just need to be strong enough to actually do it. Nothing anyone says here is going to help. You have to take a hard, long look at yourself until you reach that point of disgust where you know that nothing less than doing what your gut says to is going to give you any peace of mind.

Past is past, btw. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just take what you've learned and do something to fix things asap. Don't expect any help from the guy either. He's too weak to stand firm for his own family; no way he's going to find the strength to do the right thing for you.

[gpxcrazy]

Its really messed up,but let me tell you the story what happend to my friend Camille.About 4 years she started seeing her boss,they started going out.He was married and had a 4 year old son.When his wife found out she freaked out,she kept fallowing her telling her to leave her husband alone.She kept seeing him,and was really upset because shes been talking to me about same thing what should she do.And he was so attached to her.His wife didnt want give him divorce,she wanted be supported( i know lame) and have his money.He kept assuring her that he doesnt love his wife and he wants to be with her and that they will work it out somehow.She decided to give it a shot.And right now they all go along.Hes getting divorced in August.they been dating for 4 years now.His son is really used to her,and sometimes hes even bringing his little boy over and three of them go out.She told me they decided after they get divorced,he will be spending equall time with boys and the baby soon going to have a new stepmother =) I dont see nothing bad in it,the kid is going to have one more person in his life whos just going to love him.
Sorry for such a long reply, but my best advice to you is to fallow ur heart.talk to him about it, and if he really seriouse about you and you do have feelings for him,i say u give it a shot! From what u said it doesnt look like his wife really cares for him,neither is he.Dont shut ur feeling down!!
Good luck =)

[gpxcrazy]

Oh one more thing=) You know how many people are in cituations like that. Its one thing if his wife would love him,then it would be a horrible thing ruining a family.just dont feel horrible,in ur cituation its ok.there are kids who grow up with step mom and step dad and they are happy.Think about it=) i hope everything works out for you well.=)

[IndiReloaded]

Wow, you took the effort to write about someone ELSE'S story of infidelity? And the guy is still not divorced after all this time? And you think this is a good thing?

LOL, there are a lot of really irresponsible dumb ppl out there. Reproducing, unfortunately.

[IndiReloaded]

Hey Confused, this scenario is a very old & common one. Two married ppl, neither mature or smart enough to work out their differences enough to focus on their most important task they have: the responsible raising of a child. This results in one of the pair seeking companionship & sex outside the relationship to try and feel better about themself. You won't want to hear this but its likely the truth: he loves the way you make him feel, not you for yourself.

Don't be deluded by Gpx's comments. It is NOT better for a child to have step parents over two biological parents who can get along. There are LOTS of studies that have looked at this issue.

You are interfering in a family. If your morals about personal happiness permit you to do this, have at it and good luck. But a word of caution: I said that this is an old, common scenario (the man cheating on a wife with a mistress--that is what you are called, btw). Even if you DO manage to get him to divorce her (harder than you think) you must then live with the high probability that since he did it to her, he will do it to you. Also known as "Once a cheater, always a cheater".

Now, its common to think you are somehow 'special' and that won't happen to you. But you'd be wrong; you'd better believe that he'll be looking at you a lot differently once he is actually divorced. What would YOU think of someone whose morals allowed them to have an affair with someone & actively participated in the breakup of a family.

Classy ppl who REALLY feel they must be together & must get divorced to do so WAIT until the divorce happens. Your guy has no class & put sex above his family. Sure you want someone like that?

Think about it.

[gpxcrazy]

Hey Confused, this scenario is a very old & common one. Two married ppl, neither mature or smart enough to work out their differences enough to focus on their most important task they have: the responsible raising of a child. This results in one of the pair seeking companionship & sex outside the relationship to try and feel better about themself. You won't want to hear this but its likely the truth: he loves the way you make him feel, not you for yourself.

Don't be deluded by Gpx's comments. It is NOT better for a child to have step parents over two biological parents who can get along. There are LOTS of studies that have looked at this issue.

You are interfering in a family. If your morals about personal happiness permit you to do this, have at it and good luck. But a word of caution: I said that this is an old, common scenario (the man cheating on a wife with a mistress--that is what you are called, btw). Even if you DO manage to get him to divorce her (harder than you think) you must then live with the high probability that since he did it to her, he will do it to you. Also known as "Once a cheater, always a cheater".

Now, its common to think you are somehow 'special' and that won't happen to you. But you'd be wrong; you'd better believe that he'll be looking at you a lot differently once he is actually divorced. What would YOU think of someone whose morals allowed them to have an affair with someone & actively participated in the breakup of a family.

Classy ppl who REALLY feel they must be together & must get divorced to do so WAIT until the divorce happens. Your guy has no class & put sex above his family. Sure you want someone like that?

Think about it.

Maybe its not really about sex in this cituation.how about if ur not happy with someone? do u actually going to stay with them for the rest of ur life.is that normal?

[gpxcrazy]

Imagine urself in this situation with crazy husband,and no feelings for him at all,but u do have two kids.Can u be happy and live like this?

[IndiReloaded]

Ppl give up too easily on marriage b/c they think they feel 'unhappy'. They must have been happy enough at some point to have actually married their partner, yes?

Happiness waxes and wanes. It is totally normal to go thru phases in a marriage. When partners get unhappy in a previously happy relationship, it usually means they need to refocus on putting energy into each other again. Going out on dates, talking to each other, learning a new communication style, that sort of thing. Not going out and having an affair, or divorcing and marrying someone new. B/c eventually, the same issue arises & they just repeat the cycle all over again b/c they never learned how to deal with the familiarity and occasional boredom that being with the same person inevitably brings. This leads to second, third marriages and a trail of devastated families.

This may sound harsh, but most of the ppl I know about that had affairs were seriously lacking in self-discipline.

[Only-virgins]

Wow, you took the effort to write about someone ELSE'S story of infidelity? And the guy is still not divorced after all this time? And you think this is a good thing?

LOL, there are a lot of really irresponsible dumb ppl out there. Reproducing, unfortunately.

Wow. these...words...they brought a tear to my face...they sound almost like...something I would say.

Imagine urself in this situation with crazy husband

If we are going to surviiiiiiive we have to get a little crazzzy. Everyone will get annoyed by their spouse at some point in marriage...are yo just gonna run away than? Going into a marriage and thinking that it will be perfect forever is like going into a boxing ring and expecting never to get hit.

[Aidan]

There are plenty of single guys around. Find one of those instead - it's far less messy.

The best you can hope for here is the breakup of a (bad) marriage and years of emotional blackmail from his wife over his kids.

[Gigabitch]

confused, you're setting yourself up to be completely rat-****ed, no matter what the outcome of this affair. One of these things will happen:

1) He stays with her and dumps you- you are SOL.
2) He stays with her and keeps seeing you, which is something no woman with any self-respect would tolerate for long.
3) He leaves her for you, and you're stuck with a cheating sleaze you know you can never really trust.

Do any of those sound good to you? Hell, no. So how about:

4) You cut ties with him and walk away clean (or as clean as possible, considering the circumstances).

You don't want that guy, not really. Have some respect for yourself and find someone who is actually available.