CONFLICTED:(Lost and Confused...

[posey24]

hey all well here goes....

In freshman year i met a girl in my french class she was really kool and i was a big dork... first thing i said to her (jokingly) was..
"So what are doing saterday night?"
her response...
"not hanging with you..."
i was in love that instant.... my first love. we became really good friends after that after a few months i admited my love to her but she said she didnt feel the same way so we jus left it like that... we started to get even closer...we had a ritual of going to the movies everyweekend jus to watch a movie and hang out.. we even dated for a span of bout 2 weeks....she broke it off cuz she made out with a guy and said if she had done that...that she didnt have feelings for me the like she thought she did... i was hurt but we remained very good friends... we were never intimate cuz i was young... i wanted 2 but i was afraid i would screw it up and push her away... we kissed a few times but nothing huge... well later on that year i got news i was moving 2 california.. we lived in Ohio at the time so its not exactly visit for the weekend distance... bout a month b4 i left she finally decided she loved me... she said she didnt mean for the bad timing lol.... well i went on to california and was there for bout a year and talked my rents into letting me go bak there for christmass... i was to stay with her for a week and my friend for a week...b4 i got there she informed me she had a b/f but would dump him for while i was there... i got there and the first night i was there her rents left us alone... we started to kiss and eventually it got to the point of sex... i was nervous and scared cuz i was a virgin i didnt have any condoms she said she was on b/c so it was ok... i wanted to but i was really scared id be bad so i said id wait till i got some condoms... we jus shared some more intimate moments and it was amazing i loved it... well during the week i stayed with her i had bought condoms...but she never gave the slightest inkling that we could do it.. her rents never left us alone again but we could have figured out a way.. i didnt tell her i had condoms either so iono if that would have changed it... my last night there her parents took us out to dinner and a movie... when we got bak me and her were in the barn checkin the animals and i got up the courage to ask her to marry me... yea prolly dumb but she was really nice about it and it made sense.. she said she would but she wanted us to graduate and start our lives then go from there... she didnt want either one of us giving up a dream for each other and i regretablly agreed... i went home and bout a year later i met a girl...she was really kool... long story short on this one.... we are both military brats and i hung out with her brother bout 5 years prior to us meeting... didnt know her tho never met her while i was there.. she said she met me but found me annoying.... anyways we dated for bout 9 months..and she went through some bad things in her life...she was in and out of foster homes and when she was 6 her mom now adopted her...but she was adopted into an abusive family...her father frequently beat her and her mother...i lost my virginity to her...it was outside on a beautiful night...but i didnt have any condoms...i ended up calling her brother and he brought me some(koolest brother ever)...bout 2 weeks later we were in my room jus watching tv... now she would alwasy joke with me when i did sumthing she liked or made her laugh and say she loved me... this particular day she said it but it felt different so i asked her if she ment it... she said she did and i told her i loved her 2... we were both so happy tears of joy... but the best day of my life turned into the worst...seriously 5 min later my mom called to me and said my brother(his friends house was across the street from hers) saw ambulance and fire trucks at her house... we ran there in time to see her brother being wheeled out on a gurrny and her mom crying in the yard... he had shot him self and was dead b4 he reached the hospital...i had never exprience death first hand so this was a hard thing to help her through...she had it rough after that...no one in her family seemed to aknowledge that she lost a brother as well...we made it past that and thru graduation...we ended up gettin married after dating for 9 months...not soon after i found out the the girl i first loved...married that guy she dumped b4 i got there for xmas...we were both happy for each other...later on in my own marriage we started to have fights... we didnt live together until we actually got married...the fights got worse with each fight...she would throw things at me... it got the to a few points where she would attack me i did my best not to hurt her i never swung at her in any way shape or form... but being hit gets blood flowing so when i push her away from me more force comes out then intended.. it usually ended up with me storming outta our house...we usually have a big argument once a day...i live in vegas now cuz of the military... i have cheated on my wife 19 times.... she knows of one... when i do it i dont care bout the consequences...but afterward i feel sick to my stomach... if a song comes on bout loving some one i think bak to those times and feel sick...but when we have our fights i constantly look bak that the girl i fell in love with first and wonder if i made the right choice... or if i should even be with my wife now...

i know its a long story and im sure i left some things out so if you have any ?'s let me know and any and all advice would be very much appriciated... thank you

[excowho]

cheated on my wife 19 times.... she knows of one... when i do it i dont care bout the consequences...
or if i should even be with my wife now.

No, no you shouldn't still be with her.
Nor should you be inflicting this pain on her.

You are not ready for a serious relationship. And should come clean to your wife about all 19 times, get a divorce(for her good). And start fresh.

[posey24]

thats my thoughts but she's cut herself in the past... and we have out really good days when we hare very very happy and i want nothing else but to spend the rest of my life with her...but we've had out we are going to get divorced arguments and it usually ends with her saying she will kill herself cuz im all she has left(her parents dont even talk to her anymore) with 3 past attempts im not about to take a comment like that lightly..and wut do you mean inflicting pain on her she attacks me i push her away from me...y is the man always at fault...so me going to work with a black eye and a busted ear and im at fault....

[excowho]

thats my thoughts but she's cut herself in the past... and we have out really good days when we hare very very happy and i want nothing else but to spend the rest of my life with her...but we've had out we are going to get divorced arguments and it usually ends with her saying she will kill herself cuz im all she has left(her parents dont even talk to her anymore) with 3 past attempts im not about to take a comment like that lightly..and wut do you mean inflicting pain on her she attacks me i push her away from me...y is the man always at fault...so me going to work with a black eye and a busted ear and im at fault....

The man isn't always at fault, whenever it comes to relationships theres usually always a certain amount of fault on both sides.
I'm a dude.

My most recent ex was a cutter as well, attempted suicide and would often mention it. When our relationship was over I did not hesitate to end it. I'll tell you how your putting her in more danger right now later.

My second most recent ex had attempted suicide twice, before we started dating she was boulemic, her best friend had commited suicide when she was younger and she was convinced the world hated her.

Now to not try and sound like a douchebag here because I mean, it is never something to take lightly. But theres a reason thats its attempted and not commited, theres a reason its cutting and not poisoning or shooting.

It sounds like you need help relationship wise, and she needs help with her life to, but professional help.

The risk you run by not ending and being there to support her through it, is that she finds out about the 18 other times she doesn't know about. Then who does she turn to? Not you, you lied to her. So shes much more likely to commit. Where as if you come forward and are there to support her through it she at least still has you there for her. See that difference?

Sounds like you both need time to work out your issues.

The fact however that you think cheating is the way to correct this situation is very disconcerting.

[posey24]

cheating is not the way to fix things i understand that but i am addicted to sex...with women of all shapes and sizes.. i love it and i know its a problem im in the process of seeking proffesional help for that one...and she refuses to seek proffesional help on any of her issues...even when i was in the military and the help was free she would do it...so i dont know... ive been to see a person while i was it to work out some issues but i was kicked out(poor descion making) b4 it was able to do any good....