Ahh!Is he ignoring me or he has never loved me? Urgent

[larusso]

Well, I'm an international student in US and I am graduating from master's in engineering this December. I always had compliments from everyone for being quite attractive for an engineer.

I had been dating this guy for 1.5 years. He seemed like he loved me and his friends also told me so. When he got drunk he would always ask me to marry him. His friends back where he is from love me. They actually message me to spend time all together. His best friend,Nick told me about how much he talks about me and Nick also said that I'm the only gf he particularly liked.

I started my last semester. 2 months passed by and I would get upset because I couldn't find a job due to several factors such as the economic crisis, me needing sponsorship... So one day he actually asked me to be his "marital wife" but this time he was sober)

Now after this he didn't do anything about it. In the next weeks I said "if you don't want to do this it's fine but please don't waste my time." He cried and said he'll do something but never did...It happened one last time. This time he took me to breakfast and we talked. He said" I'm not gonna cry anymore and I'm gonna do something about it. He asked me how much my parents could send me and we both could get jobs...etc."

Now that was the last one. Finally one day I said "I really want to do this. So I want us to sleep at our places, which will give you time to think about things. See if you want to do it. I said it's ok if you don't but I don't have any time left." . he cried his eyes out i did too. he was leaving he said he will talk to someone more experienced, to his parents.

Soo he left. He asked me to hang out with him and his friends couple of times. I said I can't because I'm really upset and won't be myself. " So the next day(saturday) he hang out with his friends. he texted me saying babe, sweets and etc.. that night i went to sleep at a friends. We have a cat together so I said " Could you please take him I won't be at home tonight.I love you" . He texted me back saying " I will. Love you too"
Next day I said I will stop by to see our cat and him sometime the next day. And....I didn't . I didn't call or text him for the next two days so he didnt either.

I finally called him no answer. texted him no answer. The next day again i called him no answer. and i texted him and said " are you serious? if you don't want to talk to me at least be a man and tell so i can say i'm single" he answered back " sorry. i didn't know i hurt you so much. i will stop by and grab all my stuff. i'm really sorry again."

He came in he looked fine. this is the conv.

me- were you trying to ignore me or did you seriously forget about me in 2 days?

him- to be honest with you. i was fine being single. i had fun hanging out with all those people. didn't you have fun with the girls?

me- yes i did but that doesn't mean i forgot about you. Can you tell me you don't love me anymore?

him- i don't know what love is anymore. i mean i care about you.

me- so you just want to let me go

him- don't say it like that. but i guess that is the situation in this case. i'm not ready to be married. i have to pick myself up.

me- i got accepted to phd.
him " why didn't you tell me earlier?"
me- " what would be the difference, you still want to let me go."
him - i'm a **** up anyway. you're a beautiful intelligent girl. i know there will be all those guys trying to get with you."

then he called his friend to help him carry stuff. i begged him to stay. he said he will call me later. he was leaving and saw that i was upset. and said " at least you're not crying. come give me a hug." i kissed him. he walked away. i said " say you don't. and made a little heart." he smiled and left.

i texted him " so single now?." he said " i guess thats the better choice now"

i called and asked " can you tell me you don't love me."

him- i don't know

me- what is it? you love me but not in love with me?

him- yes. i love you but i'm not in love with you.

me- how can it happen in 2 days?

him- i dont know.you kicked me out of your house. you're not the same person any more anyways. you're not the happy girl i know. you are upset. i wish you told me earlier that you got into phd.

his phone died. texted me saying he will call me back. been 3 days. nothing duh!. i left some food and a toy for the cat at his door when i knew he was not there. still nothing. don't know if he got them or not.

i contacted his friend and he told me to hold on and he didnt know what really happened between us but he thought the world of me. and that he's a proud guy and he can only talk to him in person in 10 days.

SORRY. IT'S VERY LONG BUT I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS. I HAD COUPLE OF GUYS ASK ME OUT ALREADY. BUT I DONT KNOW. IT'S EASIER TO GET OVER I GUESS BUT I WANT TO BE SURE.

Also he was in the PhD program his prof didnt want him. he was supposed to graduate this semester also but he realized that he can't.
and he doesnt like being confronted by problems. he just ignores them if he can. oh he also said he had been drinking and thats how he solves his problems!

i just have a hard time believing he forgot EVERYTHING in two days!! If thats the case i dont know what to believe anymore. I think i am losing my faith in love.
Everybody thought he loved me. It was such a surprise. I appreciate an honest opinion.

Thank you soo much. let me know what you think and what i should do? And I want to see my cat but not ready to see him yet.

[ecojeanne]

oh dear! you're not going to like this:

but he walked away very easily. i think you probably know already. its never going to work. he doesn't love you like he thought maybe he did a few days previous. it was too easy for him to do the walk. i would say to you that you need to realise this and move on as soon as you can. i also realise this is very hard for you but he hasn't really tried to save the relationship; and you have a few times. i'm sorry

[damn2008]

Yeah, he walked away...he might regret it later but it sounds like you tried enough to reach out to him and it didn't work out. Don't be surprised if he comes calling again later on.

Give yourself a break and some time to mend your heart and get over him before you move on. You don't want any of your potential new suitors to just be a rebounder if you're geniunely interested in some of them.

[IndiReloaded]

Focus on your studies. This guy isn't truly interested, all his signals suggest he's trying to give you a 'graceful out' but you aren't taking it.

i called and asked " can you tell me you don't love me."

him- i don't know

me- what is it? you love me but not in love with me?

him- yes. i love you but i'm not in love with you.

This^ was a very pushy thing for you to say. LOL, Holy Bulldog, Batman. What is a decent guy *supposed* to say? Anyway, his last comment about not being in love with you sounds honest in this context.

I would say its over. The reasons are irrelevant. Just move on. There will be plenty of other fine men to date, don't worry.

[Charlie Boy II]

It sounds like he knows intellectually you're a great girl, you're attractive and smart. I'm sure he cares about you, and perhaps wishes he was in love with you. But he doesn't feel it in his gut. He doesn't burn for you, miss you when you're not around, he doesn't worry you're with other guys.

So, like the posters above, I think you should forget it.

[larusso]

I actually talked to him last night. He said "He realized he wasn't in love with me after we were separate." I don't know who to believe now. This wasn't the first time we were separated. I went back home to Turkey over the summer and he called me everyday.

If someone can be so sure and say that "he loves me" all the time. Talk about me all the time when I wasn't there(back in Turkey) to his friends. Nick one of his best friends actually told me he talked about me so much and he has never seen him like this. Adam another friend that I have never met in person before just know from them talking on the phone says to me " So when do I get to meet this girl my best friend adores so much?" I don't want to believe that it was all a lie. I admit I didn't change for the better after I started dating him. I lost my confidence and in the last months I was upset and pushy but i gues this had to happen otherwise I would have waited for him to do the move and he wouldn't and I would end up going back home.

Thanks everyone. Does anyone has ideas on how to deal with this? In most of my relationships things make sense.

[IndiReloaded]

Deal with what? Doesn't sound like there's much else to say.

As for why ppl say things? That's a very naive question. Ppl say things like 'i love you' without meaning it because they think that's what you want to hear. Why? Lots of reasons: to keep you happy, keep you from getting upset, its easier than lying... lots of reasons. Truth doesn't come into it. Its actually very silly to expect ppl to be completely honest about everything all the time. Communication is mostly about what you don't say. You need to learn to become more sensitive to these unspoken messages. Good luck.

[questiongirl]

sounds like he enjoyed dating you but didn't want to get married. Maybe he's afraid you wanted to marry him for the green card.

[moonriverlove]

Oh my God, I was totally in the same boat with you. I am an international student too, just came to this country last year. I started dating this guy in the beginning of this year and every thing pretty well except that he is always not ready for a marriage and can't see me in marriage. But after talking, I am OK with it and he also agrees to work on it. But during the process, we had several fight because of the relationship and where we are going. I guess at that time I was very upset and maybe kind of pushy, which can easily happen to people like us--foreign in this country, far from home, feeling insecure, and time is limit. I don't want to waste my time.

Then he moved to another town for a temporary job. Just one month after, he broke up with me on the phone saying that he can't feel the connection anymore, can't see me in marriage although he tried. You can't image how hurt I was at that time. He is the person that I like most in my dating experience until now and is the most intimate person for me in the States. Plus, the walked away when I needed him the most--the economy getting very worse, suddenly many companies don't hire, not even mention sponsorship..I cried a river every day, for him and for my tough situation.

It has been very very rough for me in the past several months. But I decide to be strong. Do things, still hold a hope, and fight for it. I never gave up, even when the times that I got so many declines letter from companies, even when I thought I would go back home finally. I told myself I need to fight hard for it, to get the job I always dream of, and to be a much much better person, and then he has every reason to regret how good a girl he had gave up. Now, three months after, I got the perfect perfect number 1 job in my profession. I am really proud of myself. And I think all those didn't kill me just make me stronger.

Hope it would be helpful for u. Hang on there. Focus on yourself. Never give up. It is never easy in a foreign country and I have gone through all that you are suffering, but believe me, hang on and your effort will be rewarded.