In love.....but a tricky situation!

[princesskel]

Im seeing a wonderful guy......we used to be in a more committed relationship, but he slowed things to a casual relationship as he moved back in with his ex wife to care for his sons as she was mentally unstable. I dated someone else for a short period, but always remained friends with him. We have now been seeing each other again casually for about 10 months and things have been going wonderfully. He is the love of my life and we are in many ways perfect, he says he absoultley adores me, that im incrediably special and im the best company he has ever had. He says he cant commit at the moment due his circumstances in helping raise his sons and though he is not back together with his ex wife he has to be the best dad for his kids until the younger 1 finishes school in two years he is unable to committ to me till then. How do I deal with his living arrangements? and will he eventually committ? I do totally trust that he is being honest with me.

[IndiReloaded]

I'm not sure the circumstances matter. Unable to commit = unavailable, anyway you look at it.

[carl1222]

Ordinarily, I would agree with Indi's take on this arrangement. He definitely IS unavailable right now. But his reasons are logical ... even admirable. It's nice to see a dad who puts his children's needs above his own happiness until they are grown.

He's given you a date when he will be available to commit to be with you. You trust him completely. So that answers your question "will he eventually commit."

So the only question remaining is how to deal with his living arrangements. First, he's divorced, so he isn't cheating or using you as a mistress. Second, he's not living with his ex wife, he's living with his son/daughter.

You love him, he loves you ... do you have the patience to live with a bad situation for two years?

Carl.

[vashti]

How old are each of you, how old are the kids, and is he REALLY divorced? Does he live with his wife?

I think there is a very good chance you are being played. Most men who don't love their wife and were worried about their mental stability would simply get custody of the kids.

Also, I have a hard time seeing him leave his wife when the kids are older if he's stuck it out with her for this long. Why would he bother? She will still be the mother of his children, and he can have a honey on the side without losing the respect of his children.

[IndiReloaded]

My thinking on this is most similar to Vash's. Even if he is divorced, chances are he will feel different once he is truly 'free' for the first time w/the kids grown up & moving out. I'm not sure I would want to immediately enter into another committed relationship having just finished my obligations to another.

I would say that if his kids are in their late teens (as the post suggests), then if he's not mentioning you to them then he's probably not that serious about you. They are old enough to be gently introduced to the thought of their parent being happy with someone else. Esp if their parents are divorced. Doesn't this make sense?

[Aeradalia]

Mom and Dad divorced... they dated other people, and now Mom is remarried to a guy who is my Step Dad... My brother and I handled it rather well... It made sense... Mom and Dad didn't love each other anymore, didn't love my brother and me any less, and they both deserved to be happy - without neglecting my brother and me. I think I was able to handle that pretty well...

So if I can handle this, then why would a parent try to fool their children or worse, give them false hope that Mom and Dad are going to get back together? Kids are smart and a lot tougher than you think... they can find happiness even if their parents are divorced...

So why is this guy back with his ex, seriously?

[princesskel]

thanku for your reply......yes he is living back with the ex wife, sleeping in the rumpus room. His boys know me and have been a part of my life for three years, i get along great with them, atttend their rugby matches and exchange birthday and xmas gifts, they think im great too. I am always introduced to his friends and work collegues, most of whom i am really good friends with. he and his ex have been seperated for 4 years, they still run a buiseness and own property together, and he is very worried about his assets financially, so he says he has agreed to live there to do dad duties til the yougest leaves school in two years, he says once then their assets can be divided more easily, he is very worried she will take him for everything, she is a ver controlling, powerful woman, whom has had suffered many mental issues, depression, attends self help groups and courses, and i can see that it is very difficult for him, i know he is being honest with me, but is he being honest with her? I love him deeply and cant imagine without him in my life, would it be unreasonable of me to ask him to move in with me earlier and i would help him with his kids?

[IndiReloaded]

I can't see how him continuing to live with her & care about you is going to make her feel any kinder toward him.

Are you sure his wife doesn't have him by the balls, threatening proof of his affair with you in the divorce? Using it to punish him? Come to think, are they actually divorced? The fact that their finances haven't been sorted suggests to me they aren't.

Just a guess, but if that's the case, I don't think staying longer will make a difference. If they are wealthy, he can afford his own place now. There is no reason he can't do that, see the kids, and get on with things.

Also, if she's a nutcase, then having his OWN place for the kids to take refuge might not be a bad thing.

Why is it that women can't find men who are unattached? Is it that hard, really?

[vashti]

Does SHE know about you? Do his kids know you are *romantically* involved with their dad, or is he just introducing you to everyone as a friend?

Also, you describe his wife as a "controlling, powerful woman, whom has had suffered many mental issues, depression, attends self help groups and courses". Somehow I have a hard time seeing women with a lot of mental issues (especially depression) being powerful.

And yeah - indi is right. If they are already divorced, the assets should have already been worked out.

[princesskel]

Does SHE know about you? Do his kids know you are *romantically* involved with their dad, or is he just introducing you to everyone as a friend?

Also, you describe his wife as a "controlling, powerful woman, whom has had suffered many mental issues, depression, attends self help groups and courses". Somehow I have a hard time seeing women with a lot of mental issues (especially depression) being powerful.

And yeah - indi is right. If they are already divorced, the assets should have already been worked out.

She knows me too. but after about seeing me for a year she started too have issues, and caused lots of trouble and conflict. So he tries to keep the peace and everyone happy. I would love for him to finalise things and eventually move out with me, he is the love of my life, and there is no doubt that he absoultley adores me too. Though i wish he would hav sum balls and stand up to his ex. I love him deeply and i am prepared to wait two years for my dream to come true.

[IndiReloaded]

I dunno Kel (sorry, I have a problem with a grown woman calling herself Princess), it seems like you are determined to wait for this married guy. Its not a situation I would ever willingly put myself in, its a situation I'd be trying to get out of, so I can't really think of any advice.

Except to say you shouldn't really be chasing married guys. It IS kind of skanky/desperate, esp when there are kids. I hope you realize that almost none of these affair-based relationships work out longterm. The rates of divorce are waaay higher than for first marriages. Anyway, I think if you really loved this guy, you would remove yourself from his life completely and only reconnect with him once (IF) he ever truly becomes free.

But you're hooked on the drug that is Love, so you won't. Like most affair ppl, you will trade your self-respect and sense of what's right for "love".

Good luck w/that.

[vashti]

She knows me too. but after about seeing me for a year she started too have issues, and caused lots of trouble and conflict. So he tries to keep the peace and everyone happy.

Yeah, I think I'd have issues too if my husband were carrying on with some young trollop. She sounds incredibly strong for tolerating such bad behavior from her selfish husband.

BTW - I am guessing since you refuse to answer otherwise that they are still married, in which case I think you are living in dreamland. He's not leaving her - he has everything he wants right now. Why bother?

[Aeradalia]

He's not leaving her - he has everything he wants right now. Why bother?

Hate to admit it... but that's male mentality right there. He can raise his kids, keep his assets, and have the love of a pretty young thing. I'd have to say that all things considered... things couldn't be much better for the guy.

The only one getting steam-rolled by the whole situation is YOU. But you don't mind that... do you? It's all for love, right? or is it more like self-sacrifice (which is commonly mistaken for love)?

If I were you I would think long and hard about what love is and what self-sacrifice is...