How to help my roommate?

[LuckySeven]

Long, long story... bear with me.. i'll make a short summary if I need to later..

I really hate meddling in other people's business, but this is getting to the point where I am legitimately concerned for my roommate:

Basic background info: my roomate and the girl i'll be talking about are 19 and recently turned 20 respectively, and both college sophomores.

Here's the story: Basically, about four or five months ago, my roommate and this girl started hanging out a lot. As in, for hours and hours every day, often staying up past 3 o clock talking. It was pretty obvious early on that she "liked" him, and after a while, he "fell" for her as well... meaning the amount of time they interacted only increased.

The catch: she has a boyfriend. Whenever he and any of us confronts her about it, she claims that she doesn't want to hurt her boyfriend by breaking up and she still likes him, and that her and my roommate are just good friends. But, we all know that last part is a lie, as they have definitely been closer (as in touchy and flirty) than just friends and i'm pretty sure they've made out more than once.

At this point, not wanting to interfere, I stayed out of it. I mean, my roommate knew all this and he chose to stay with it, so I trusted him enough to know when enough is enough.

However, things have just escalated over the past months to the point of absolute absurdity. Apparently, he "loves" her now.. Often, my roommate is up till 5-6 in the morning with early classes the next day doing hw because every night she wants to hang with him or talk to him. Literally, almost every night. Heck, just the other night, he went to bed early, and right when I went to bed as well, she called him.. at 2:30 in the morning, to which he got out of bed and hung out with her until 6 in the morning

If that's not enough, its starting to impose on us (i'm in a quad) a lot, not only because they are always in our room, but because she oftens invites people to stay in out room without our permission, and my roommate agrees consistently as a favor.

Now, here is the really bad deal that really is making it hard for me not to really intervene: she's starting to invite her boyfriend to our room to hang out as well for the night. Not only that, but the three of them often go out to lunch and do other things together. My roommate obviously doesn't like it, but he's wrapped around her finger and never refuses her anything...

(And, in all honesty, her boyfriend seems so oblivious and "stupid" that I honestly don't think he knows about the cheating anyway.. and even if he did, I think that he would stay with her anyway due to the belief of "him not being able to get anything better". In fact, that belief might be my roommate's problem, even though i've heard from enough girls to know that that isn't the case... ugh)

Even to this day, she refuses to break up with her boyfriend, saying that she still cares deeply about him. In fact, one of my more verbal friend outright accused her of being a cheater and a slut (which, let's face it, she is), but she honestly believes that she isn't any of those things and she is completely in the right (and unfortunately, her hold over my roommate apparently convinced him she's not any of these things either)

Top it all off, I've heard some nasty rumors about how she got into one of the eating clubs on campus... as in the usual "sexual favors to the head of the club" deal..

All this is really starting to kill my roommate. I can tell. Not only is it obviously damaging his sleep cycle, but its obviously damaging him emotionally as well. He's been hurt to be point where he's been driven to drink to the point of throwing up and being sick, which is not like him at all. Between that and the sleep, and the fact that this could likely cause emotional/mental issues in terms of future relationships and such, I'm getting very, very worried about him.

The worst part is that he knows that the best-case scenario is that he gets with this girl... which he knows he can't trust because she is a complete cheater (among other words..)

Its obvious this needs to stop ASAP and he needs to get away from this girl. Me and my roommates and friends have tried convincing him this, and he oftens says he will try, only to then hang out with her even more the next day.

Is there anything I can do to help..? I'm getting very concerned...

Advice? Thanks. And sorry for the giant story.. its just very crazy... i'll supply a short rundown version if people need it.

-Lucky

[lilmama615]

It shows that you really care about your roommate, as you should because that's also your friend. You don't want to intervene but it may be a good time now to because even though he "loves" her and they have that relationship (whatever it is), he NEEDS a wake-up call. Wtf @ somebody who knows you have class or work in a couple of hours and comes by to hang-out with you because it's a good time for them. This situation might only be helped if he sees that there really is a problem.

[Cbrider]

Hes infatuated with her and the idea of being with her, all guys seem to go through it, some to a more extreme degree than others. I was in a spot like this last summer with my girlfriend at the time. I was in the boyfriends shoes and there was another guy getting attention from her.

Its like Mish told me though, sometimes you're standing so close to the problem that you can't see it. Its good that you have concern for your roommate as its likely this will be a rough thing for him to accept and he will need friends to ease the frustration and heartbreak. The best thing you can do is grab your roommates, sit down and talk to him, don't feed him shit, point out everything you see like you told us here. Don't hide, avoid or leave anything out, if shes a slut then shes a slut, no two ways around it. I found that the brutally honest and i mean brutally honest truth is what made me realize how stupid I was for going along with what I did. My dad sat me down and used words I have never heard out of his mouth, when people who care about you tell you things like that, you listen.

I had this idea that I was going to find that someone and get married within a few years, then i had my wake up call. I'm 21, hardly older than you and your roommate. We're JUST hitting our real fun time so to speak, we're suppose to be out partying, dating, drinking, dancing and whatever else happens and stuff HAPPENS. You get to be young once, stop focusing on finding a partner, you have the better part of your life to do that, time to have fun you guys are in college for fvck's sake. Your friend needs to get out and have fun!

You're wise to respect that its your friends business, but it has spilled over into your life and space, plus at some point outsiders have to intervene to help friends who can't help themselves. Get him out doing things AWAY from this girl. Make him go out one night with you around OTHER girls and make sure he leaves his cell at home so she can't get a hold of him. Get your friend back on track, then hope her boyfriend doesn't get strung along for a ride, been there, done that.