How do I handle this?? I just don't know what to do anymore!

[jaescobe22]

To start off. I dated this girl I met in college (I'm 20 she was 18 when I met her and then turned 19 in April). We dated for about a month before becoming exclusive. Eventually our feelings grew more and more despite what people thought. It was a great time. We are both from cities far apart from each other. She is from Miami and I am from New York City. During the winter break (From mid-December to January) we spoke on the phone for several hours. When we came back for the spring semester, things started falling apart. We were on and off. I was upset at times when she chose spending time with friends over me. I felt like I smothered her too much and was very protective. So she dumped me 2 weeks before spring break (Mid-March). It was very hard on me and it took me some time to realize my mistakes.

I tried to get back with her immediately but did not succeed. Yet we still had sex. During Spring break I visited my sister in Cornell while my ex went to Puerto Rico. At Cornell I met another girl and had sex with her. I tried to start something with that girl but her insecurities and tough guard made it hard for me to deal with. When I came back I started seeing my ex again. We were having lots of sex and my feelings for her were coming back. She was attached to me as well for at times she would cry to me about how much she missed me. While I was seeing her I went back to Cornell for a weekend and hooked up with a girl I did not even know. I told her about both sexual encounters. She told me hooked up with someone after Spring break before we started seeing each other again. I payed no mind because we were not together at the time.

We never officially got back together. She told me she did not want another boyfriend because she wanted to focus on school. However she did tell me she loved me. As Summer approached I wondered what would happen. A majority of the time I was confused because she would change her mind about several things including her feelings for me. When it was time to head to our homes we began talking on the phone again. Almost every night.

She would always mention how much she loves me and how I make her feel great and that sex with me is so amazing. Of course I have been trying not to get attached but the feelings I had for her could not go away. We never were officially back together, hence we were not exclusive, but I felt like we were. I never asked her about it however. I do not know why. We spoke a lot about our love and trust. I trusted her and she trusted me.

However one night I was too busy and was not able to call her or have contact with her which made her upset. I tried to make contact the next day but she wasn't very talkative. At least she said "love you baby." That night I had a nightmare that she had sex with another man. I woke up and told her that I missed her so much via text. I went back to sleep and woke up the next morning with her text asking if I was awake, which at the time she sent it I was not. I told her about the dream that day and have come to find out through her that she did indeed have sex with another man. I was so devastated and angry at the time that I told her to never talk to me again. She told me that she still loves me and that it didn't mean anything.

That night she called me and I told her about how much she violated my trust, abused my love and attention, about how she lied about her feelings. She told me she had been crying all day and was crying while on the phone with me. She says she feels bad and very sorry for what she did. She does not know why she did it yet she told me she thought of me while she was doing it. She told me that no matter what I decide, she does not want me to hate her. I told her that this was the line and I could not do this anymore. Before hanging up with her I told her I loved her so much and that she was just not worth it. She told me she loved me too. The next day she left for Colombia for two weeks with her family.

Now I do not know what to do! My friends and family say she was not worth it. But we never declared ourselves exclusive again!! I feel bad and sorry for her because she says she hates her life and that she has been so depressed. I am extremely angry at her thoughtless action. However my feelings for her are not going away. I still love her so much, but I do not want people to lose respect for me by doing so. I also do not want to think that this is officially over. I saw who she really is deep down compared to who she tries to be with everyone else. I do not know whether to let go and move on or to give this another chance. Any advice? How do I handle a situation like this? I do not want to end up being the pussy.

[Yggdrasil]

Yeah.. eh.. move on.. Don't you think you deserve better?

[Icej2k]

I always try not to be harsh with my replies, but I just might have to "tell you off" here.

Basically, if you are not "with" a girl and you have sex more than one, you will almost always (on some level) begin to have feelings for each other on some level. It's all chemical.

And as soon as you get these feelings, you have to tell the other person about it, because if they don't fell the same way, it is probably time to move on. And if they do, (AND THIS PART IS IMPORTANT... IT IS WHAT YOU MISSED...), you HAVE to come to some kind of agreement so that you both know what kind of relationship that you are in and what is expected from each other.

I mean, this time, it was obvious that you would have both assumed that your "relationship" was exclusive. So it was obvious that she knew that what she did was wrong. It wasn't "cheating", as you didn't lay down any terms for what you were both indulging in. But she knew that she was betraying your trust. So what I am saying here, is that although you are blameless for what she did, you are not blameless for the effect that it had.

And because of this, you COULD try again, but make sure you put down some kind of boundaries for your relationship. But I would not advise you to get back with her, as she did not technically cheat, but the betrayal of a cheater is within her, and she will probably do it again.

(thank me if this helps)

[jaescobe22]

thanks ice...a little slap of reality doesn't hurt. i appreciate your input.

[Icej2k]

That's cool. I'm glad I could help, and if you have anything else you want to know, I'd be happy to help.