Dilemma - I want be more than friends with my 'friend'

[saturday]

Hi everyone.
This is the one of the first times I've ever used a forum and the first time I've asked anyone for love advice, so I'm hoping to find an answer and an ease of mind. Sorry if this post is long but there is so much emotion I want to convey.
I'm 23, male, and have been very career focussed throughout my life and finding a girlfriend has never been on the top of my prioritys. I admit, a girlfriend is something which I've always thought nice to have - but it's one thing I've never gone out to look for as I truly believe you can find true love when you least expect it or when your not looking.
There has been a couple of girls in my time I have liked, but I always loose out. Normally I'm too shy and never tell someone that I find them attractive or have feelings for them, or I find out that they have a boyfriend so cannot do anything about it. Anyway, I've never had really strong feelings for anyone in my life....until now.

About 4 months ago I was doing some work for my old college and was working with a girl who was 20 and was a student there and still had a few months on her course. I thought she was a very attractive girl, but I'm never one to show my feelings so in my head that thought remained. During the couple of days I worked with her I got to know her a bit better and discovered she has similar interests to me and she had an amazing sence of humour which was like mine. We kept coming up with the same joke to a situation the group of us were in and we interacted well! I asked a friend of her's on the course if she was single, and she was! For the first time in my life I had met someone who I thought was attractive, bonded with well, and was single!

Over the next month I worked with her for a couple of more days where we got to know each other a little better in the work environment, and even once socially after work when a group of us went to celebrate the end of the project we were working on. Even though I had known her for a total of seven days, I knew that this girl was the one for me, and the one that I would like to get to know better. On the last day of working with her I built up the courage to let her know I was interested. I rehearsed what I wanted to tell her in my head again and again, and kept practising it over and over!

The last day of working with her came, and I tried to get her on her own to tell her that I wanted to keep in touch and meet up after the project, but things were so busy on the last day I bottled out. During the train journey home she was all I could think about, and how I had lost this opportunity. So, not wanting to be beaten I phoned her when I got off the train. Her phone was off. Shall I leave a voice message I thought to myself. Yes! It should be easy as I can say what I wanted to! Or so I thought! I made a huge mess of what I tried to say! I rearranged what I had rehearsed while I said it to make it shorther and was soooo nervous!

I didn't get any sleep that night waiting for a reply, so followed it up with a text message the next day to see if she got the message. She soon replied and said it was sweet, but she wasn't looking to get involved with anyone at the moment. My heart sank. I didn't know what she meant by this. Either she really doesn't want a relationship and likes the single life, or she has feelings for someone else or in a relationship, or she just doesn't want to try it with me so said that to be polite.

We would have to work with one another again in the furture, and leaving it in the air like this would be awkard and unkind, so after a few texts we said we'll keep intouch as friends. I said would she feel awkard knowing I have feelings, and she said not to be silly, and she wouldn't feel awkard if I didn't.

To cut a long post short, we remained in touch over the next couple of months, often texting each other (although it was usually me who would make the first text). We worked together the odd day here and there and got on well as mates. On one occasion I asked if she wanted a quick drink after work and she agreed so we stopped by at a pub near the college. We chatted a lot, but the topic of romance, or boyfriends or love never came up. The closet we got was when we got the bus back before we said goodbye, and we were talking about our mobile phones and I saw that she had a message from me on there. When I asked her which one it was she said it was an old one. I asked how old and she said old! When I saw it I discovered it was a sweet one I sent here about 2 months back saying that she was nice to say she wanted to stay friends. I was quite touched she kept the message.

Anyway, come July she left the course and was looking for employment in the career we both work in. She's been finding it hard to get a job as the competition is high, so she has been doing some office temping work to get by. Over the last few months she has been on my mind a lot. I'm always thinking of her and wonder what she's up to. This is the first time I've ever felt like this about anyone, and she really makes me happy with my stomach going all gooey inside when I think of her. All the songs on the radio all of a sudden have a meaning to them! However, at the same time it also get's me depressed as I long to have a relationship with her but know I can't...or can I?...

It's been over 2 months since I told her my feelings, and we've got to know each other better now. Maybe I should get to know her better still as friends and something may develop. My biggest dilemma though is how long should I be doing this...and this is the advice I need today. If I say something too quickly then she might just say she told me she wasn't looking for anyone and get annoyed. If I leave it too long, then she might think I've got over my feelings and start looking elsewhere. Even if she isn't looking there is still the danger that someone else might come along - especially as she is working now and applying for different jobs where she's meeting new people.

One other thing I forgot to mention is something he hasn't told many people. The other month during a doctors checkup they discovered a slight medical condition and has to have checkups and monitoring done over the next month. She told me about it all and what was involved, but she also told me not to tell anyone. Only her parents and family, and about three of her closest friends she told, so I felt quite priviliged that she revealed this to me.

Meeting each other is difficult as we have busy schedules and we live about 60 miles apart. However, we did meet up socially for the first time last week in London..as friends remember! I bought her dinner in Leicester Square which was nice and we had a really good chat. She is a lover of musicals, so I had arranged to get tickets to see a show in the west end. A friend of mine works backstage and so reserved a box for us instead of sitting in the stalls! When we got there we discovered we had The Royal Box reserved! It really made an enjoyable evening more enjoyable. I have to say it was one of the best evenings I've had in a long time. I just wish and pray that Hayley enjoyed as half as much as I did.

I just want her to get to know me as a person and for who I really am. I'm at a time in my life where romance is something I really want - and it's something I've never had. All my friends have partners and girlfriends and everywhere I look couples are walking around hand in hand. Some of my mates think Im just after a shag, but it's romance that I really want at the end of the day. I want someone to love me the way I love them. Someone who can return the love I offer. We have so much in common - more than you would believe, so surely we are a perfect couple.

So that's about where I am to the present day. We are meeting up next Saturday in London for a day out but how should I play it??? As I said earlier, how long should I leave it until I hint my feelings again? Should I just carry on and wait until she does? But if I do that there's the danger that someone else may come along. Should I try and get the topic of conversation round to boyfriends, or love or what! I'm really new to this and want to know the best way to approach it! Should I tell my feelings to one of her friends that I know, or is that playing dangerous incase I gets back to her.

I have so many questions and emotions I'm going through but don't know the right route to go! At the end of the day I don't want to do anything wrong...but if I don't do anything at all, then surely I'm a fool to myself.

She is the best thing that has ever happened to me and
even though I have her as a friend, I dream of more.

Thanks for reading this enormous post. Please offer me some advice and I am so confused.

"Saturday"

[Illusional]

dammit, why did you have to make that post so damn long?!?! haha nah nah j/k

where to start... i'm thinking more alongs the lines that you tell her how you feel again. you've tried once and my impression in the way that she responded was that she wasn't ready because she probably hardly knew you and weren't sure of your intensions. now that she has gotten to know you better and gotten to know a different side of you, i'm sure that she's more interested in being closer.

i can honestly say that you should act sooner, rather than wait. i've been or rather, i'm in a situation that i've put myself into. backed myself into a corner you can say. being that you know you're waiting but from her eyes, she might not see that. you two act as friends already and you woulnd't want her to think that there is nothing there but a friendship. she might not be ready for a relationship still yet, but then by reminding her that you're interested will let her know how you still feel. raverboy

[Justinfirelake]

Man that was long it's a good thing that I hang around this forum allot any way do what your heart tells you.

[saturday]

I could approach her about the subject, but I always feel awkard bringing the subject up as I'm still questioning the way she really feels. I don't want to harm anything between us if she feels awkward the fact I've brought up the topic of love when she originally said a few months ago that she wasn't looking for anyone.

I spoke to her last week on the phone for about 40 mintues, and we penciled in a date in the diary to go out this Saturday. When we went to the theatre last week, although we both thouroughly enjoyed it, we couldn't "bond" or talk as much as we wanted to - so i asked her if she wants to do something fun like ice skating! We both can't skate and I thought it would be a good way of having a laugh together. What does anyone else thinK??
The only slight problem is that it without going into too much detail it might tie in with her medical monitoring, and so we might have to do something a little less strenuous. Anyone have any ideas? I don't want to do something like cinema as once again your just sitting not speaking to one another for 2 hours! Maybe bowling or something!???

Whatever we do, I just want it to be an occasion where she gets to know me for who I am and get's to know me as a person. I feel the closer she knows me then she'll realise I'm a good person and so the chances of anything happening might improve. At the end of the day I don't want to loose her! I'm just very confused right now.

"Saturday"

[Illusional]

true, she might have said that she wasn't looking for someone, but do you want to think of the slightest chance of letting her slip away? she will be your friend reguardless of the way that you feel so that is a plus to you. you're probably close enough to her where you can confess anything that you have inside so what have you got to lose? true, your pride might be hurt but this is all about risking it all to obtain the chance you're looking for right??

secondly, sking would be a good thing because you two can interact. i would also suggest minature golfing or something that is quite social where you two can interact. raverboy

[saturday]

Thanks Illusional!
That is one of the main reasons I chose Ice Skating as for a start it's something we have both never done before so we're going to be quite useless at it! They'll be plenty of laughs because of that! Also, because we're no good we'd be holding hands and helping each other which psyciologically should make her feel closer to me - especially if she can trust me in that sence!
I just hope with her medical monitoring she's got she'll be able to exercise on Saturday otherwise I'll have to choose something less physical but still fun.
However, I'm still confused at the timing of the whole thing. I want to time it right so that i have a good chance. Playing it too early or too late could have catastophic effects.

Confused "Saturday"

[Killerbabe]

Wow. I read the whole thing.) Don't worry I usually do the same- those enormous posts...
She definitely IS interested in you as a person. And i don't think that she would want you JUSt for a friend in the LONG run. Maybe she's just shy, or...I dunno, there's like soooo many reasons why a girl who likes a guy would tell him that she's not ready for that kind of thing (trust me- coming from a girl). it could be absolutely anything- her medical condition or even the fact that she didn't really know you that well...or maybe she was suddenly lost in her feelings: she needed time to sort them out. Seems to me like she's made up her mind) But don't rush yet. Or...just go for it. I dunno....don't wanna spoil the whole thing for you- cause your story sounds so romantic, i'm like getting so emotional here.
As to the date- skatin is a VERY good idea. Not only you could get to know each other better emotionally and everything but also physically! Just fancy her slipping right into your strong arms as you catch her in mid-air....ahhhhhhhhhhh...can you feel it? Love is in the air!

[Zekk_T_Strife]

I can't believe I missed this post until now. Well, since all of the really good advice has already been said, I'll just throw my two cents in and hope it helps. First I would like to say your situation differs very little from my own. I've been wanting to tell my best friend that I'm in love with her for a good while now. The biggest thing that I've learned from it is that if you put it off, you WILL lose it. You've made up your mind to bear it all? Good, I would agree with that. Just make sure you know what you're getting into. If you know her well enough to tell her everything then you should know her well enough to say exactly what she wants to hear in a way that also expresses all of these emotions you feel inside. I know I probaby didn't help at all, I'll try to be here sooner after your next post.

[saturday]

Thanks killer and zekk for your coments
Killer - you make it sound so perfect! I've come over all lovey dovey now after reasding the end of your post!
I think I will just carry on Saturday when we go out as normal just so we can get to know each other a little bit better. I wanna talk to her as much as possible to see if the topic of relationships come up but I don't want to put words into her mouth.
I'd just like to know a little of her history, but by bringing the topic up, she'll instantly know what my intensions her as she'll remember the feelings I had for her initially!
Is it a good thing or bad for her to know I've never been in a relationship before? Will she think it's sweet that I want her to be my first, or will she think I'm a looser that I've never been with anyone?
I tried to ring her last night but she was out so left a message saying I called with her mum. Don't u hate it when you're sitting waiting for the phone to ring

[Illusional]

haha you shouldnt' be waiting for the phone to ring back. jsut leave a massage saying that you tried calling and you missed her. tell her that its' alright and to have fun at whatevers she's doing and to give you a call when she has free time. its' better that way. raverboy

[Killerbabe]

Yeah...that's the worst thing - waiting for a call. Personally, I, switch to something else. Try thinking of her meanwhile (don't you always?..), or write her a love poem. Or...meditate or something. Sometimes I do that when I'm really in love. Just sit on your bed and try to picture in your mind what she's doing right this very second...try sending some secret code to her mind, so that she'll suddenly realize that she's in love with you too! Hahm that's really dumb but believe me. nothing's dumber then being in love!
Oh, and one more thing- I really think that she won't be dissapointed if you tell her she's your first one. Just make sure that you don't talk too much about it though Girls usually like *innocent* creatures. At least I do...

[Zekk_T_Strife]

If your feelings are really overwhelming you, something I do that REALLY helps is just to sit down and write. At first it makes sense and I'm just writing thoughts that come to my head but eventually all this latent emotion gets expressed onto paper. It will either end up being a beautiful literary piece or a pile of crap on paper. Either way it helps to relieve some of that anxiety youre carrying inside with this emotional burden.

[Killerbabe]

yeah, we all do that time to time. It's really interesting to go through your old papers - I love doing that! I've like this one drawer in my closet, and it's all dedicated to tgis ancient crush of mine
Priceless memorablia I'd say. for me.

[Zekk_T_Strife]

What I REALLY love to do is hunt through old notes that girls gave me back through high school and see how our relationships matured through the years. It's so fun to go into the past for a minute or two.

[Illusional]

love...*sighs* no matter which angle you look at it, you'll never understand it. raverboy