In love with my best friend, need some advice on what to do

[hello8765]

Hey everyone. Just to give a bit of a background, I'm a 21 year old male and I've never been in love / in a relationship before.

So I met this girl in the spring of 2009 and we had an instant connection. Pretty soon we became best friends and spent the summer attached at the hip. We got really close and soon it became apparent that the 2 of us had a HUGE crush on each other. We made out sometimes and we were just extremely cute together in general. But here's the catch... she already had a boyfriend. And not just any boyfriend, but rather a boyfriend of 2+ years that she recently just moved in to a new apartment with and couldn't really break up with because she'd have nowhere else to live.

Was she in love with her boyfriend? Yes. But she always seemed to be quick to point out all of her displeasures with him that seemed to only emerge after they moved in together. At one point she said something along the lines of "as soon as the lease is done (July 2010), I'm out". Often during the summer she would ask me "what should I do?" and I just said stuff like "that's something you need to figure out for yourself" (obviously in a way that sounds a lot better than it appears in words).

Towards the end of the summer / early fall, I could tell that I was losing my footing a bit. Instead of hearing things like "as soon as the lease is over I'm out of the relationship", I was hearing things like "the problem is I have two really awesome guys in my life right now" and "I haven't decided if I'm gonna stay with him or not after the lease is up".

Anyway the fall came and we became separated as school kept us in different cities, although we maintained our best friendship. By mid-November or so, the mutual crush we had on each other seemed to have disappeared and we both acknowledged that and she mentioned how she was sorry and that her and her bf were just going through a rough patch during the summer. We get into December and the Christmas season and we don't talk nearly as much as we used to and I was worried the best-friendship was disappearing too.

But then January rolls around and we start talking again a lot more than we did in December. Pretty shortly, we were talking over the internet every single day and there were a few days there where we literally talked for the entire day by a combination of IM / skype video call / texting (when her bf was out of town). It soon became apparent that our feelings for each other never really went away, they were just dormant for a while, and now they had resurfaced again.

I soon then learned that she's once again pretty annoyed with the bf, that he's acting really immature and stuff. Every time she tells me a story about something dumb he did, it makes me cringe on the inside because she deserves so much better. She mentioned that the good days with him are really really good but the bad days with him are hard. They're trying to work out their differences but so far it seems to be all talk and no action. I've told her that she doesn't deserve any bad days whatsoever and that her bf should clean up his act and she's mentioned that she doesn't really want to leave him but that if it doesn't get better she doesn't see what other choice she has.

So basically I think that me and her are perfect together and that we're meant to be. I've never felt this way about anyone in my life before and I don't know if I ever will again. She texted me while she was drunk that she loves me (I don't think she remembers this, but yeah). And I love her too. But before all else I'm still her best friend first. I've told her to give it some time (i.e. until the lease ends in July) with her bf to see if he improves, and if he does then great, but if he doesn't then she deserves better that she shouldn't have any bad days at all.

So anyways I think her bf is a huge tool who doesn't know what he's got, and I have serious doubts in his ability to mature. But as I mentioned before, I'm her best friend first, and I want her to be happy so I hope he matures a bit. But that being said, I would love it if July 2010 rolled around and the lease ended and she would choose me over him. She's told me that she thinks I'm perfect in every way (even though that's not true of anyone haha) and that I have none of the flaws she sees in her current boyfriend. But I'm still highly skeptical that she'll dump her bf in July even if stuff doesn't improve between them.

So I was wondering if anybody had any advice on how to approach this. Like I really love her and I've never felt this way about anyone before and I don't want to make potentially the biggest mistake of my life by taking the wrong course of action. I would really love it if we could become a couple sometime within the next year. But at the same time we're still best friends and that friendship is invaluable to me and I wouldn't do anything to ruin that. Should I let her know that I love her (since I haven't explicitly said it yet)? Should I play it cool? Should I do something entirely different to try and win her over? If anyone has any insight to my situation, it would be much appreciated!

P.S. If you actually read this whole thing, thank you.

[1337lizard]

You idiot. Sorry, I needed to get that out.

She's playing you and it's more obvious than a pink elephant in Times Square. Look at what she's doing. First of all she's cheating on her bf who she has NO intention of leaving. And you're letting her. Some best friend you are. Friends don't let friends cheat, period. Now look back through your situation, because she's using you.

Here are a few tips that you really need to read and appreciate. First of all, you're not perfect for each other. You're both extremely immature. Being friends is completely different from being in a relationship together, and the dynamics of your friendship will change if you do end up dating. Things that were ok before are suddenly not ok, and you're going to wonder if she's cheating on you the way she is with current boyfriend. You two have already sabotaged your chances by your behavior before you two even started out.

Second, she has had ample opportunity to break it off, but it looks like he's the main dish and you're the side. In this scenario I feel bad for both you and the boyfriend. She's cheating on him with you, but she's leading you on hardcore by pretending that she's going to break up with him and be with you. It won't happen.

Third, she's using you for emotional support and that's all you've become. She won't date you because of the role you've taken on. She'll tell you something like, "I don't want to ruin our friendship" to let you down easy when push comes to shove and to keep you hanging on in that role she's come to rely on.


So here is what you do. You tell her that you and her have some amazing chemistry together and it's caused her to be dishonest and unfaithful in her current relationship and as her friend, you realize that you've put her in a compromising position and you're sorry. So in order to do what's right for both of you, you're going to back off until she leaves her boyfriend. Tell her that you feel that this pseudo relationship that you two have has the potential to do a lot of damage to everyone right now and while it will be difficult to be more distant with her, you respect her enough to make a hard decision and that you hope that you two can pursue something beyond friendship after her current relationship is fully terminated.

And one last thing: if a girl signs a lease with her boyfriend, what the hell makes you think she's looking to break up with him?

[abelee]

Do NOT tell her you love her. It's pointless to do so at this moment. She cant or won't drop her bf for you right now so why tell her you love her? The best that could happen is she chooses you over him in July. But do not get your hopes up. If you want to be her best friend, that's fine. But that means your relationship together should be purely platonic. It should be this way at least for now till July. You have to do this to find out whether she's just using you for emotional support when she's going through a rough patch with her bf. So stay cool and watch what happens in July.