How to Deal With Sisters

[SirWagginston]

I know it's kind of funny, being a male posting on the "Ask a Male" forum, but I'm doing it, anyways.

I've usually had a very bad relationship with my sister. She has always had self-esteem issues, but they manifested in anger management problems, which she took out on me and my family. It was always hard to care about her problems when she expressed them by throwing heavy objects at my face. (At least I'm a good catcher, now! And good luck getting a kick anywhere near my groin.)

Recently, though, she's been getting better, so I've been trying to get closer to her. A problem remains, though, in that my sister is a total whore. She does not value her body in the sense that it should only be given to guys that respect her mind and person; she will suck a cock if the owner is hot or cool enough.

I've gotten used to that, though. Rumors about that don't bother me, anymore. Recently, however, she started inviting me to her parties. I thought she was just trying to introduce me to new people since she's been in Vancouver for a year longer than I, but she had an ulterior motive. On the way to the first party, she instructed me to interrupt the conversation if she ever got into a one-on-one talk with one of two people: a girl, whose "boyfriend" (he sees the girl as a ****-buddy) likes my sister more than her, and a guy, who wants to get with my sister, and either doesn't register or doesn't respect her hints that she doesn't like him.

The guy concerns me more. Tonight was pub night, and she visited me in the morning to pick up her mail. And finally, this morning she confessed to me her greatest concern about the dude. One night, while my sister was totally ****ing wasted, this dude followed her back to her room. She inquired as to why, and he said, "I want to see where you live." She did chores nervously about the house as to avoid serious conversation, when all of the sudden, this guy grabs her by the arm and practically forces a make-out session upon her. Date rape, by normal standards, I think.

As the pub was reaching its party point, I asked my sister what she was doing, and she agreed to go to the pub with me, rather than by herself. I know what pub night is like, here. On the way to the pub, she says, "Look, Scott" (the dude) "is likely to be here, please don't let him know I told you anything."

So I say, "Okay, we'll have a man-to-man talk about a rumor I heard."

She says, "No, don't do that, either."

I say, "Okay, I'll just punch him in the face and pretend I did it because I was drunk."

At first, she laughs. But then she stops laughing, and says, "no... don't do that, either."

I already have a criminal record in the United States... I imagine she might be concerned (as am I, more so!) that I might ruin my chances at life by getting one in Canada, too.

It's not like I would kill the dude. I don't carry knives or guns or any of that kind of stuff. I almost never get in fights; it's just that when I do, I go a little nuts. I use to have anger management problems, but I got over them years ago. But even though I can be a hard ass in a lot of situations, I have a sense of respect for girls that means I would never be aggressive in an intoxicated situation. Still, I've been to frat parties in the US and watched things like this in the making, but something about it being my sister... that strikes a nerve.

Thankfully, he was not at the pub, tonight. I stayed with her for hours, and to be honest, doing so made me pretty smashed. I drank three pitchers and a special shot invented by the bartender himself. Still, I need a way to resolve this. Not only without going to jail, but without alienating my sister, as well.

[QueenofCorona]

Well, your sister (and I have one not far off from yours...yikers....I know how they roll, enough to drive ya nuts) needs to step up to the plate and take responsibility for herself. She obviously knows what could have happened last time this puke followed her home. If he's at the pub...leave. Don't stay there and drink. If she's had too much to drink and he's around she needs to stick with other people so if something were to happen she'd not be alone. If this guy just needs to hear, "Step off. I'm not into you. This isn't going to happen. Ever." then she needs to say it.

At this point, take a deep breath when you see him. Remember, he didn't hurt her. Creeped her out-yes but no pysical harm was done. Plus, there are two sides to each story. I'm not doubting your sister but maybe the guy is just dense and picked up on the wrong hints. If you bump into him out in the pub and she points him out, maybe go up and introduce yourself kind of non-chalontly. "Hey, dude. I'm SirWangston, soandso's brother. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I didn't want to go out tonight really but someone's got to make sure she gets home safe. I'm so protective of my sister, ya know?" Something not dickish that will piss you both off to where a fight may occur but just something to let him know you won't tolerate any business.

[SirWagginston]

If this guy just needs to hear, "Step off. I'm not into you. This isn't going to happen. Ever." then she needs to say it.

My sister has high social confidence only insofar as her ability to manipulate others who play drama games. In order to confront directly a person who doesn't follow those rules, she would have to learn a new kind of self-worth. I do not believe she will be able to learn that any time soon.

[vashti]

If he raped her, I seriously don't understand why she would ever show up in a place he was expected to be. It makes no sense. Victims tend to avoid their attackers.

[SirWagginston]

I don't think they had sex. I think he just made out with her... and fondled her, with clothes on. Still, from what she has told me, and from what I have heard, she was smashed enough to be unable to reject any advances.

Then again, my sister has lied to me in the past. The possibility exists that she is ashamed to admit more than what she did. She would also try to hide the extent of her problem from other acquaintances, as she places an extremely high value upon normalcy. I can understand why she would show up in a place where he was expected to be.

[Lulu]

Just puff your chest out and tell him to stay the hell away from your sister-

[SirWagginston]

That was my first idea, but she told me explicitly not to. Should I disobey her?

[Lulu]

Not to sound like a trouble maker- but yeah- she shouldn't have told you....she just doesn't want you to get into trouble- take some friends with you that night so they can prevent it from getting physical, but tell him what is up!

[chocolateorange]

I don't understand why she's going back to the pub where he might be if she doesn't want to see this guy. It sounds like she want's to play games with him or something. Maybe she want's him to come onto her again, but wants you to be there as a road block or challenge for this guy. I agree with the others that if she really doesn't want to see him again, she should just avoid that place. Maybe you could suggest that to her? It would avoid the problem all together.

But if she insists on going back to the pub - say something to the dude, and like Lulu said, bring friends to protect yourself from getting into trouble.

[SirWagginston]

She will go back to the pub because it's the thing to do. She'll be there because all of her friends will be there, who will be there because everybody else on campus who likes to party will be there. Not going would be social isolation. I've thought about it, though, and QueenOfCorona's "nonchalant" approach sounds the best. I would have to do it when she goes to the bathroom or something, though, because she would catch on and become uncomfortable. I can't do it within eyesight of her, because she would listen in and/or intervene so that he and I cannot be in a one-on-one conversation for more than a few seconds.

[Gigabitch]

It's pretty hard to defend the honor of someone who acts so dishonorably. You must be tearing your hair out. That would drive me CRAZY if my sister disrespected herself so much.

Has it occurred to you that you shouldn't hang out with her?

[SirWagginston]

Not hanging out with her has been the solution my entire life. I'm not sure I want to go the rest of my life not really having a sister.

[Gigabitch]

Do you think she'll always act like this?

[SirWagginston]

She's been gradually getting better, so I just assume not. My parents seem to think it will just take several years, or maybe more.

[Gigabitch]

I would be heartbroken if my daughter treated herself this way.