Don't know what to do any more, loosing hope :(

[Bella92]

Warning: this is going to be a long post. Sorry but there's a lot of background involved... when I don't give the full story I just get the standard answer, "forget about him and move on", that one may as well be automated. And I also find it insensitive sometimes. So I hope the length doesn't deter people who would have given me good advice. I'll try to make it interesting

So, first of all I'll get ages out of the way. I was born in Feb, 1992, he was born in June, 1993, making me 1 year 4 months older. Right now I'm 18 and hes about to turn 17. When we met and started being friends I had just turned 15 and he was 13, a few months off 14. Time wise I'll be talking in school years, ie: September to September. And also I'm from the UK, so for people who are not, high school for us is ages 11-16, and then 6th form college is 16-18. My 6th form is attached to my high school. Hope this helps if anyone gets confused

Ok, so we met around when I'd just turned 15, we both started getting the same school bus and started talking one day. We continued talking for the rest of the year and started speaking on msn. After the summer (in September) we started getting really close. Eventually we each counted the other as our closest/best friend. For me I'd never been close to anyone before. For him he had been best friends with this guy Will, for years, but said he felt closer to me. That should indicate how close we were.
He had been seeing this girl before I met him (even though he was young, he'd always had 'girlfriends') and she was the first girl he had 'real' feelings for. They split up and he was really upset, it took him a while to get over it. In February he decided he wanted to start seeing someone new (he told me later that he thought about asking me out but thought it wouldn't work because I was in the year above him) and ended up asking out this girl Caroline he'd started talking to. We remained best friends. After he'd been with her for several months I asked him what he'd do if she made him pick between her and me... and he thought about it and said, even though he loved her, he'd pick me.

So thats pretty much the friendship stage covered. He was always a really genuine guy, not at all like most guys his age, hes always been more mature, more respectful towards girls, etc. He doesn't just want any girl, he wants to care for someone.

The next September I went up into the 6th form college part of our school. He was still in the high school part. I was staying over at his house one night when we kissed... and it just went from there. He left Caroline (who he had been with for 7 months at that point) saying he could never feel as much for her as he felt for me. We started seeing each other, but kept it a secret. We thought first of all people would give us shit about me being older, and we both just felt more comfortable being private anyway (I know I definitely did, I like to keep things to myself)
We both fell in love and really wanted our relationship to go the distance. I asked him once why he personally wanted to keep our relationship a secret, when he'd openly 'dated' other girls. He said it was because he didn't see me as some other girl, he saw me as a "lifelong mate... partner... lover... all rolled into one." We had really good trust, because from early on in our friendship we'd decided to NEVER lie to each other, even over small stupid things, and we never did. It felt like I couldn't lie to him.

Now I've got to describe his problems.
Hes always had bad anger problems. Not in the way that you'd just send someone to anger management, and hes not violent and hes never hit anyone in his whole life. He just gets this constant anger/rage inside him, building up with no way to release it. He started self harming by biting his arm really hard to release it. He also mentioned some paranoia to me but it wasn't serious and it only came up once, when he slept with the poker in his bed just in case he gets attacked in the night, like in Hostel or Saw. When we were together his anger was never a massive problem, and he wasn't angry all the time.But he did find it hard to deal with stresses in the relationship.
Recently he sent me this message, about how he felt about certain things (bare in mind he was VERY angry when he wrote this, so some of it is just fuelled by that)

"When we were together I had every single one of your insecurities and problems to deal with plus mine! Everytime I'd even mention something you'd direct the conversation back to yourself.
How it related to you!"

"Every single problem was directed at me because you didn't have anyone else!"

"I was your punch bag because you thought I could take it...
When you had arguments with your sister and your parents I was always there for you. I took a phone call in the middle of a bloody busy night at the chinese! I wanted to help I wanted to be great.
I'd talk you to sleep every night. What did I receive?!?! Your 'love' smothered by problems that you couldn't handle."

" Maybe you'd be surprised at this but I can only bring myself to hate me for not being able to handle it all!"

So yeah, that pretty much shows what happened. From May-August we were arguing and on/off. He started getting really confused with his emotions, sometimes he'd love me and sometimes he wouldn't, and most of all he just did not know anything, what he wanted, how he felt, what he thought... it was really distressing for him. And obviously very upsetting for me. We'd argue and his anger didn't help in the slightest.

One day he just snapped and said he couldn't take it any more, after an argument. It was early September, and it was a shock because I got back from holiday September 2nd and went round to his house that day, and then he was in the hospital, sick, on the 3rd and 4th and some of the 5th, and he was calling me up at 1am crying because he had a cannula in his arm and he has a phobia of needles. He told me later he thought of me to get him through every injection. He got his dad to pick me up and bring me in so he could see me, and he held onto me the whole time.

But then he just got really angry after we argued and he lost it, and hurt himself a lot and he said it was like a switch had flipped.
I was really devastated. Although now hes sent me that message I can see how things were for him sometimes, and how sometimes I was wrong and how I overwhelmed him, I wasn't a bad girlfriend. I NEVER lied to him he could trust me completely, I never cheated or did anything against him, I was always there when he needed me, we had a good time when we were together (when we were apart we'd argue, over msn or whatever) and I loved him unconditionally.

At this point he had just started the 6th form college too. There were also some new people starting. At the end of September he started seeing this girl who was new at the school. He'd only started talking to her after we split...so I know he didn't leave me for her. But I had to see them together every day.

For the first three months (Until the end of December) he wanted to be friends. He'd sit next to me on the bus every day. Sometimes he'd text or call. He'd still tell me everything that was going on with him. Sometime he'd get slightly too personal with me (when we were sat together on the bus) then would have been appropriate, but when he/we realised he'd stop. Maybe it wasn't a good thing that he was always around me, but he still wanted me in his life and still wanted to spend time with me.

But I was really bad.
I was a mess without him, and seeing him with her hurt so much and made me so, indescribably angry, I wanted to hurt him or lash out. He'd think we were being 'just friends' but then I'd want more and we'd argue over it. And at first I was also desperate and needy, I called and texted a million times, I cried and I begged. I was in such a horrible place and I just could not believe this had happened. A few times I just had a go at him, when I was angry after seeing him with her. And sometimes he'd get angry with me and say really harsh things like "I've been trying to get rid of you for ages!" and about how I was "worming my way back into his life". He was always angry when he said those things so I don't know what he means and what he doesn't. There were times he said he hated me, and then took it back.

He started to have periods where he just wouldn't feel anything. He'd stop feeling anything or caring about anything or anyone. He said he had to 'act' all the time, with everyone, otherwise he'd just be flat and emotionless.

Then in December we argued in school and he snapped. He went into the toilets and started hurting himself. I had to call his mum and get someone to go to him, etc, it was really horrible.

After that I decided it was best for both of us if I at least told him I wanted to be just friends.

But it was too late. He was angry at me, and didn't want to talk to me, he said we couldn't be friends now and maybe in the future we could but he needed "a complete break from me."
At first I tried to get him to reconsider but it never helped.

I deleted him on Facebook, he blocked me on msn, and when he got a new phone for Christmas he didn't give me the number.

But every few weeks or so he'd contact me, on msn usually, saying he needed someone to talk to. He said I was the only one who understood him. Because of his anger, etc, his parents had wanted him to see a counsellor, but he'd refused, until (in November I think) I'd asked him to please go, and he'd listened.
One day he came into school wearing a long sleeved top, which he NEVER does hes always hot, never gets cold, and just generally hates them, so I knew something was up. I asked and he showed me; he'd gotten angry, for no reason, his worst 'snap' yet, and he'd cut himself about 50 times all up his arm. Hes still wearing that long sleeve top now cos they haven't faded enough yet.

When he'd talk to me he'd tell me about what was going on...he'd been referred to a psychotherapist, and had been diagnosed with Dissociation Disorder (where he dissociates and stops feeling anything) and schizophrenic. Sometimes he'd start talking to me and just say "sorry" for everything hes done.
None of the conversations would be long, and he'd never say bye he'd just disappear. Then I'd try to talk to him the next day and it never ended well, he'd get angry or something.

We basically weren't talking. And I'd try to sometimes, and he'd seem fine and happy to chat with me, but then he'd tell me to just leave him alone.

Then recently I started talking to him and we didn't argue.
Right now I know I love him, but its a bit deeper down. And I hope one day we can rebuild our relationship. But after how much pain hes caused me, and him being with that other girl, I don't want to be with him right now. I finally persuaded him of that (I didn't mention the hoping for a relationship in the future though) and asked if we could start talking again and be just friends. At first he basically didn't want to. But then the next day he started talking to me on facebook chat, and for about a week he was talking to me. Then he stopped and it was me starting conversations.
Then one night he told me about how he'd been thinking about torture, just constantly in his head, and how he'd been occupying his time by looking it up on the internet, and it had been like that for about 2 weeks, and he hated it and was disgusted with himself but couldn't make it stop. And he went to bed at 5am every night, because he was scared to sleep, because he dreamed about it too.
He also told me his paranoia was much, much worse. He couldn't go into the garage where his punch bag was, because someone could be hiding in there and grab him. He couldn't go running for similar reasons. He thoroughly checks his room every night before bed, and sleeps with one of his jujitsu weapons. He hadn't told his therapists this, and he promised me he would.
(by the way he only tells me this stuff, hes still with that girl but she doesn't know).

But after that I waited for him to talk to me again but he didn't. One day I went over to him on the bus to ask if he was feeling ok and if he'd told his therapists what he'd told me, and he said yes, but he wanted me to go away. I picked a really bad day but how was I to know that. He was getting angry and couldn't handle me being there so I left.
That evening he started talking to me on msn and said he was sorry. And I accepted but said it was unfair I was always taking shit from him, which lead to him being like "then why do you bother? actually, lets not then!" and getting angry.
He only takes his anger out on me and he knows that but doesn't know why. Later he sent me that message on facebook. I messaged back, and we talked a little on facebook chat.

He says with everyone else he can be indifferent, and not feel anything and not care, but with me he can't and he doesn't know why.

What can I do? I miss him so much and love him too much. Every time I see him with her its like a knife in me (and I see them together at least once every day). I can take some comfort in knowing that he doesn't open up to her, and he 'acts' all the time, and can even be indifferent with her. But its hard to remember when they're a few metres away from you and kissing.
I lost my best friend and the person I love and I hope so much he comes back.
I don't want to move on and I want so much to be there for him... a lot of schizophrenics commit suicide, and hes expressed feelings of wanting to die a lot to me in the past, I'm scared I'll loose him for good.

I'm not doing well at all, either. I think I'm seriously depressed and at times suicidal. There have been moments (usually a few hours in a row) when I think that theres no way to ever repair our relationship, no way he'll ever feel the same, and I can't carry on like this, without him, so suicide is the only option... I'm trying to get help but the NHS has a waiting list for things like this and I'm not at the top.

I'm sorry this was so HORRIBLY long. I just really, really want help with this, and I'm afraid if I leave something out then that something could have been important.
Thank you so so much if you read it all (or most, at least)
x

[cmacattack1]

I'll be honest and say that I didn't read the ENTIRE thing. I read most of it and skimmed through most of it though. Don't worry about it being a long post, I think when we all break up, every single detail becomes suddenly brand new and with it all on our mind we just want to write and write and write. I did too. However, most people won't read it all and you won't get many responses. Just a thought.

Onto YOUR situation....

Do you notice a difference here between the Will you knew that was genuine and unlike the other guys and much more mature and respectful towards women? And compare him to who he is now? Night and day right? It could be you just fantasizing about the good times, it could be you discovering that a romantic relationship can really change how people are and act, and it could be just you finding out who he really is. But the Will you knew and the Will you know now are not the same person. And you love and miss the Will that he was. He's not that anymore. You have to understand this and understand that you weren't happy when you guys were arguing constantly up to the point when you broke up. Why do you want to be with somebody that doesn't make you happy? Because you can't handle being alone and he's the only guy that you have been close with in recent memory? You have to really accept that he is not the one for you and that he is not the only one here in this world for you.

I don't want to put him in a negative light. He's already done that for me. He does not handle his anger well or in a healthy manner. He imposes harm on himself. He is not mentally stable. This is not good for a long lasting and happy relationship. The girl that you are so jealous of that he is with now will find that out the hard way too. While we all think that it takes the right person to magically change who we are into their Prince Charming, it does not happen. It takes us to really make mistakes to finally discover that we are the common denominator in all of our problems and failed relationships. I'm just saying this because I was horribly emotionally abusive as he has been to you and I thought after I dumped that girl that "Oh she wasn't the one for me, if she was, it would have worked out." Wrong. Horribly wrong. The girl after that suffered from my same behavior and she was the best thing ever to happen to me. She dumped my ass and I was lost. It all finally clicked then. And it will all click for him to after enough failed relationships.

Don't consider yourself off the hook here. I'm sure you played a part in this as well. While he was clearly insane with his actions, you enabling this kind of behavior makes you responsible that this relationship went this long. You probably assume "all couples argue". This is true. We all have problems, and we all have mistakes. It isn't "constant aruging" for months though. Like you went through. You weren't happy were you? I'll say this again: is that the person you want to be with? Again?

People do change but it takes an effort, it takes time, and it takes some serious concentration. Judging from how he was into a relationship right after you, he probably hasn't taken the time to change. Realistically, if both of you or one of you were the same exact person and you got back together, you would end up breaking up in the future. What's the point in doing it if it's just going to end?

Life is too short to waste it sulking about somebody and wondering and wishing what could have been. You had some good times and you will always remember those things. But there will be somebody else in your future for you. Somebody that doesn't take anger out on you like a punching bag or hurts themself. Somebody that can focus on YOU more and less on theirself. He's young and he suffers from what many young men suffer from: selfishness and immaturity. You have to put you first and it's scary not to know what's out there but I promise you, you will find somebody. Especially if you have uni in the future. You are going to laugh about this when you do find that person. Real men can support and be there for their women, not make them feel needy and insecure (although part of that can be made easier if the girl is confident in herself).

What you should concentrate is on you and what you need to do. School, sports, hobbies, gym membership, hanging with your friends, having a good time. Not how to get him back. He doesn't want to be with you as rough as it is. You are a better person for this experience and know what not to put up with in another human being. Just have a good time, get in better shape, make yourself feel good about yourself. Your self worth is not measured by a guy's rejection of you.