My shyness is ruling my life!

[Neo(n)]

Hey, i'm an 18 yr old, almost out of college (UK) pretty down to earth guy. I've been told im a descent guy, i've been told i'm very kind and caring, i've been told i'm pretty funny, i've been told i'm pretty good looking, and i've never been told i was a horrible evil person, so you'd think i wouldn't have much problem getting a girlfriend and keeping a relationship going.

Well if you thought that you would be wrong, unfortunately. The reason being a few factors, with the main one being i am unbelieveable lacking in confidence when it comes to girls, so much so that i get overly nervouse even when i want to add a girl i like on facebook or talk to her on the internet, ley alone in person. I think the problem is that i always think the worst is going to happen and so i protect myself from it, i'm worried that if i do add the person they will be like "WTH is he adding me for, i'm not accepting that!" or if i talk to them they will be like "ok, why is he talking to me, he's really wierd (ignores)" and in person i'm worried if i say something to them they will just look at me as if i had just told them i kill babies for fun.

I think the main reason i get soo worried is because i think they are going to reject me and if they do then ill feel terrible and my depression (moderately depressed) will just get worse and i will eventually see no reason to live anymore, and i've been very close to that, but i want things to get better instead of worse!

I think the reson i feel this way is becasue my confidence was completely sapped by my last few girlfriends who all ended up either being an "im always right and your always horrible" psycho or a cheating spoilt bitch. and becasue of that i just expect to get a bad reasction from any girl i get too close to. and not to mention i was pretty shy around girls i liked when i was starting out secondry school(12-16) before all this happened, but i pretty much got over it in the few years before i met these girls.

So how come i have pretty much sussed out the reson for my exteme shyness, but i can't manage to do anything about it. I have tried to just think, who cares i'm probably wrong, whats the worst that can happen ect, but thats a short term fix that noramlly ends up with my heart racing and me worrying untill the initial dust settles, and normally after that everything runs pretty well, but i still can't seem to get rid of my anxiety!!!

So what i'm wondering is, there anything i could do, or any type of therap i could do that could sort this out becasue after nearly a year of trying all the DIY fixes nothing seems to have worked, and quite a lot of it has made it harder to talk to people. So if you know anything i could do any type of therapy that could help me sort this out i would be gladly appreciative becasue i want to get this all sorted out before i start uni in 2011 after i take a gap year.

Thanx for reading
(sorry for the wall =) )

[Alvy]

Where to start...how do you get along with your friends? Surely you've got some girls in your circle of friends? How do you interact with girls you're familiar with and already like you? Best thing to do is to not have any expectations at all when talking to a 'girl'. Don't expect them to like you, don't even expect them to smile or make lots of eye-contact. Practice talking to girls who you have no interest in. Don't worry about what they're thinking about you - instead, ignore their looks completely and just focus on what they're talking about. It sounds as if your past partners walked all over you. Fortunately for you, once you hit Uni, not every girl is a conceited bitch, so don't let those past experiences bring you down.

[bloodtippedrose]

You need to just go for it. In your mindset you might as well shoot yourself before anyone else gets a chance too! See how thats wrong?
Everyone has a fear of rejection and sometimes it does happen, thats life, if a girl rudely rejects you (which does not happen often) then you wouldnt have wanted to be with a bitch like that anyways!
Why are you making girls out to be so much better than you? Theyre not goddesses, theyre human. They take dumps, they pick their nose when no one is looking...

I met this guy who told me that he liked alot of girls in high school but since he was a loser and was teased alot he had little self esteem and never asked any of those pretty and sporty girls out. Then he started dating one of the girls from the group that wasnt pretty, or sporty, or nice, but he figured it was all he could get, and she told him that almost all of the girls he had liked that were 'out of his league' were a lil envious and had liked him all along.

If you like a girl then you have to take initiative. Even if you dont think youre good-looking, its all about attitude and personality.

As far as therapy goes, I would suggest either self-educating yourself on improving your self-esteem, or if you have money then get psychiatric help (very effective but probably unnecessary). No one is going to make you more daring except yourself. No one is going to give you a magical shot in the arm that is going to boost your confidence. Like Alvy says, just practice. Start with the cute educated chicks on this forum ^_^

[Neo(n)]

in my intemidiate friendship group there are no girls, i do know girls and i get along pretty well with them most of the time, get along pretty well with my other friends, but i have only really found a group of mates i fit in with well enough in the last year so most of my life i have felt like an outcast.

tbh now that i think about it, in the last year or so i have grown quite a bit and am a lot less shy, i guess im just expecting everything to snap into place as soon or a little while after i start the DIY stuff, but i have probably majorly underestimated the ammount of time this kinda thing takes. You can't expect to live most of your life a certain way and then immediately change that when you descide you don't want to live that way anymore right??

Ill keep chatting to girls, i like and don't, and hopefully by the time i get to uni it'll all be good =)

Thanx for all the advice guys =)

Ps: one last thing, i think im better at talking to people i don't know rather than those i have known, but don't really talk to, for a long time. my college is a 6th form of the secondry school i went to and i find it hard to tlk to family members i have never really spoken to before, so with uni i probably have pretty much nothing to worry about becasue ill have nothing holding me back and stopping me from meeting new people.

[anapurma]

Well it is not so rare issue I guess. I am shy too - and was afraid of driving a car for a long time. But one time my mum has said to me: 'are you afraid of drive? come on, there are plenty of people who do it in a much worse way than you do...'. I have thought about this and... it really helped me Now I just get to my car and drive - without any fears and other.

I think that it can be a similar case to yours. I was afraid because I had been shy. Maybe you should think to yourself - 'come on, there are plenty of boys who are much less funny, charming, etc than me' Think in that way and then try to cure your shyness. Smile to a girl in the bus, ask the other for a way (even thought you know it well) - and live your life!

[Neo(n)]

hmmmm, that's a pretty good way of thinking about it =), surely if lots of other guys can be confident and get the girl then all this mumbo jumbo about how it'll all go wrong when i try is probably false worries that are just hindering my efforts.