Is she my forbidden fruit?

[VVhiteVVabbit]

I work with an amazing girl who makes everything better when she is in the room. However, she also makes everything depressing when she isn't. The reason being is that I'm completely in love with her but she is ingaged to someone else. As far as I can tell she is happy with him but they have no passion in their relationship. Obviously girls talk differently around other girls than they do around guys, and from what I hear from one of her girlfriends, she dosn't even like sex and thinks it's kindof disgusting. Could this possibly mean that she isn't attracted to her fiance? Is it possible she is only still with him because she is affraid of change or dosn't know the differance between enjoying the company of someone and actually loving that person? The guy comes in occassionally and she pretty much just talks and picks around with him. I can tell they are very comfortable, and enjoy eachother but are they RIGHT for eachother? I can't shed more insight on it than that. It is her personal life and I obviously have no business there.

She and I get along great but she gets along with everyone great it seems. She's just such a light, bouncy person. I have no reason to believe that she has any interest in me other than being friends who only see eachother at work. I've always been very particular about the type of girl i'm looking for and i've don't think i've ever fallen for anyone until she came along. It wasn't love at first sight but now after more than 3 years I can't get enough of her. It seems that everything important in my life has something to do with her in some way. I don't even think i knew who I was until now. She has kindof shaped my personality a bit.

I should also mention that our workplace is very light. We all get along for the most part and are sortof all friends. My boss lady started to notice my lack of sleep and depression and it took a while for her to do so, but she finally got it outta me. I told her my situation and she understood. I decided at some point that maybe cutting myself off from her and not seeing her anymore may be the solution so I put in a two weeks notice at work. My boss was very upset about it and said she felt like she was losing a friend. I don't do well with crying girls so I told her if she could never schedual me next to her again, I would be willing to give that a try. I deleted my facebook and myspace profiles in attempt to cut off contact with her. I havn't seen her in about 3 months and I just keep getting worse and worse. I miss her terribly and I feel like avoiding her is making things worse. I don't think i WANT to get over her.

Now that i'm done describing the situation, I'll get on with my problem. My quality of life is at an all time low. I've never wanted something or someone more in my life (only 22), and i've convinced myself that I can't have her. She seems to be happy and I don't want to be the one to cause her drama by trying to persue her. However, at the same time I can't handle not doing anything about it and just letting her pass over like a cloud. I can't tell you how much I dread the day she announces her wedding date.

Two quotes come to mind whenever I think of my situation "Ingaged isn't married" and " If you want something bad enough, you will most certainly attain it". So what should I do? Is it realistic for me to assume that she is perfectly happy and she is already ingaged to the man she is certain is the one, or is it possible she only said yes because it seemed to be the right thing to do? should I stop being such a wuss and actually show her who I am and how I feel about her. I feel I would do anything to make her happy. However, I find it difficult be that guy when she already seems to be happy. All I know is i've lost all interest in all other girls, and my happiness is being blocked by a diamond ring.

I've always taken pride in how controlled and in charge I am of my own life and being able to resolve my own problems but this girl has brought me to my knees. I've been jumping hurdles all my life and now i've gotten to this really big one. Should I make the effort to jump it and risk falling or should I just go around and lose points? I can't seem to do this on my own so I would love some mind-rattling advice. Thanks for reading all my whining.

[sunnybunny8212]

Wow, shes got you whipped!

Well If you "truly"like her, cant get her off your mind, if it's hurting you badly, I think
Being friends or getting to know her isn't a harm....
I doubt she'll be interested because she's engaged, but I also don't think even if
she likes you, she'll drop her fianc�e. It's a ****** up situation...

In a way it's like you could fight the battle and live loosing because you know you tried (in a way)
Or you can live with not fighting at all....
But then you have to remember not to push.... I say stay at a distance
Just because she's engaged.... Keep her in your life, but at a distance.

If she doesn't want to marry him, she'll be heard, she'll say something you know, but until then.... I'm sorry.

I hope that helps...

[marc1983]

she's engaged leave her alone, if that wasnt a sure enough sign then what luck does any bloke have of other guys hitting on there misses.

Do the decent thing for her boyfriend if you was him would you like that some bloke feels like you do about her. Just ignore her get on with your life then if one day you still know her and she splits with her fiancee then you have a chance.

Im also a firm believer that there is no such thing as plutonic friends between opposite sexes, someone always wants more, usually the pursuer in which case you. This is a wrong base for any kind of friendship usually you find when a girl becomes engaged in a relationship with another man and puts it across firmly that she is dedicated to him these so called male friends she thought she had will vanish. You shouldn't punish yourself by pursuing her friendship and having to keep your feelings at bay, the same as you shouldnt intervened on her relationship when you have a hiden agenda!

[VVhiteVVabbit]

Thx for your reply. This does help. I can see how atleast trying wouldn't hurt as long as I don't give myself false hope in the process. She is certainly a fight worth fighting and I think I would have a much harder time knowing I never even tried than I would being real with myself and actually showing how I feel a little. Ofcourse I couldn't be blunt about it. I don't exactly want to corner her. My only interest is opening up and being real with her. Her feelings and decissions are her own. If she truely does love the guy, I won't even cross her mind. I suppose honesty is the best policy. Acting with so much restraint and therefor not being myself is just a clocked lie, and i've never lied to her yet so why start now. Thx again for your advice.

[VVhiteVVabbit]

Thx for your reply. I've taken a bit from it. I disagree that just because a woman is ingaged, they should recieve to special attention from any other man but their fiance. Everyone is entitled to make their own decissions but I must also argue that everyone makes mistakes. Especially in relationships. I feel like people now days are almost preasured to get married. I see too many people get married to the first person they date just because being with that person is nice and FEELS like the right one. I really feel like this is her case. Saying I should leave her alone kindof makes it sound like she is an item to be won. Like this guy has planted a flag on her head and everyone else should stay off his land. She has the right to decide for herself. If she truely does love him, nothing I do could change her mind. It's kindof how I feel about her right now. I don't feel like there is anything that any other girl can do to take my attention off her. I understand how pissy a guy can get about other guys sniffing out their girl so to speak. However, I feel like even if I was with a girl who lost interest in me becuase some other guy has caught her attention, I would be heartbroken but if her attention turned from me to him then obviously they are better matched than her and I. Seems like basic love logic to me. The ring is a man-made item used to brand your significant other, so that everyone else should stay away. I find it somewhat barbaric and territorial. The feelings two people have for eachother should be what keeps them together, not a shackle around the finger. I'm not a disbeliever in marriage. I just think that this sort of thinking is what brought about the term " The old ball and chain." Thinking about a relationship this way kindof degrades the value of it.

You couldn't be more right that I shouldn't pursue her friendship. I couldn't imagine just being friends with her. It's what's killing me now. I just don't want to end up in one of those " What if " situations 10 years down the road. I feel like i'm going to regret letting that ring keep me away from her more than I would regret trying and being rejected.

Don't get me wrong with all of this. Everything you have said has been super helpful. It's made me really rethink the situation. Also, posting your thoughts as you did shows you are concerned about my situation enough to try to help, and I can't thank you enough.

[Charlie Boy II]

"ingaged" ---> "engaged"

[sookie6]

Personally I think you have let feelings develop too intensily about someone that you might never get together with and that is sooo dangerous for yourself...

You need to protect your emotional balance more closely than this!!!

Anyway...let's try to be efficient here:

- what you need to do is to find out when she is getting married. If these 2 people are solid about each other they will have a idea when they will marry.
But if she is quite vague 'we don't know yet' 'we're still taking it slowly'...you MIGHT have a chance..try to find the right opportunity to ask her..if possible when noone is around and when you think you'd have time to talk longer about it should she wish to...

Don't mention anything about your feelings for her, be open to the discussion, be attentive...

then when you've done that...

Come back and tell us what came out of it

[vashti]

Until she's married, she's single, and if she doesn't have a ring AND a date in mind, I wouldn't even consider her engaged.

Just tell her you want to date her, and let her decide if she wants to or not. If she declines, then you have to move on.

[xxazurexx]

Thx for your reply. I've taken a bit from it. I disagree that just because a woman is ingaged, they should recieve to special attention from any other man but their fiance.

I see. So let's say that this woman leaves her fiance and to be with you and you get engaged to be married to her. Will you be happy and in knowing that other guys are trying to hit on her and scheming to take her away from you??

Everyone is entitled to make their own decissions but I must also argue that everyone makes mistakes.

Indeed they do. But who said her engagement was a mistake? And if it's a mistake, why is she still with him? I think you would rather just think of it as some 'mistake' and because that then justifies your reasons for going after a 'taken' woman.

I feel like people now days are almost preasured to get married. I see too many people get married to the first person they date just because being with that person is nice and FEELS like the right one. I really feel like this is her case.

It's up to her and to find out whether she's making a mistake or not and reach the conclusion of whether he's the 'right' one for her or not.....uhm, not you.

Saying I should leave her alone kindof makes it sound like she is an item to be won. Like this guy has planted a flag on her head and everyone else should stay off his land.

Well she is sorta half won and when you think about it. She is engaged to the guy, half way to the aisle and through her OWN choice, not because she was forced into it and as you like to think.
It's not a case of staying off 'his land'....it's known as having 'respect' for other peoples relationships, which sadly a lot don't. It is when opportunity presents itself and in the form of someone who doesn't 'respect' a relationship/marriage, that affairs happen.

She has the right to decide for herself. If she truely does love him, nothing I do could change her mind.

Exactly. But it wouldn't take your 'scheming' to steal her away either. Things would happen and wil happen naturally, if you are meant to be together.

It's kindof how I feel about her right now. I don't feel like there is anything that any other girl can do to take my attention off her. I understand how pissy a guy can get about other guys sniffing out their girl so to speak.

Like you would get 'pissy' and if you manage to get her.....and other guys sniff around her you mean?

However, I feel like even if I was with a girl who lost interest in me becuase some other guy has caught her attention, I would be heartbroken but if her attention turned from me to him then obviously they are better matched than her and I. Seems like basic love logic to me.

But the guy won't have just caught her attention. He schemed and plotted to lure her away....
And if she is naturally drawn/attracted to you, you wouldn't have to scheme and plot to get her.

The ring is a man-made item used to brand your significant other, so that everyone else should stay away. I find it somewhat barbaric and territorial.

Yeah well you would think that way, being the girl you long for wears a ring.....LOL

I feel like i'm going to regret letting that ring keep me away from her more than I would regret trying and being rejected.

LOL....UNBELIEVABLE at just how little respect people have, for the relationships of others....TOTALLY UNBELIEVABLE!!

[lahnnabell]

I agree that you can make a play for this girl. As vash said, she's not married yet, so ask her if she is interested in you. Sadly, I don't see it going very far as she's heavily invested in her fiance.

So, let's say you ask this girl out and she turns you down, you're going to have to respect that and walk away. Like azure said, if this girl is genuinely attracted to you then you won't have to plot or trick her into being with you. She'll want to be with you.

Sounds like you're trying to come up with some grandiose scheme to break them up so you can swoop in. Get real, dude. If she's that easily swayed from someone she claims to love, then her feelings for you have no value either.

[marc1983]

Have to say I totally agree with xxazurexx I still stand my ground that you shouldnt be going there until SHE calls it off when she realises she has made this mistake you think that she has. I think you need to understand a lot of people may complain and moan that there gf/bf is a bitch or a wan*er but they don't actually mean it. If you manage to get her away from her current relationship you will forever feel that she could do the same to you, not a great start.

I'm actually shocked people feel its ok for this guy to make a move on someones fiance, I'm no angel but it sounds to me you are trying to kid yourself that she is unhappily engaged when you have no solid proof!

[vashti]

I'm actually shocked people feel its ok for this guy to make a move on someones fiance, I'm no angel but it sounds to me you are trying to kid yourself that she is unhappily engaged when you have no solid proof!

Don't be a child. If she is happily engaged and therefore disinterested, I am sure she will quickly say so, and if she is not, she SHOULD move on. She sounds too young to get married, anyway.

[xxazurexx]

I'm actually shocked people feel its ok for this guy to make a move on someones fiance, I'm no angel but it sounds to me you are trying to kid yourself that she is unhappily engaged when you have no solid proof!

Ditto..

I've always had respect for other peoples relationships and if I know a guy is taken, I stay well clear and even if I did think he was a bit of alright.

If he liked me, then I feel he'd approach me and I'd consider that he may not be happy, if he was approaching me.

However. my morals are against stooping to the level of trying to lure a guy away and from a relationship he could be happy in.

[VVhiteVVabbit]

I see. So let's say that this woman leaves her fiance and to be with you and you get engaged to be married to her. Will you be happy and in knowing that other guys are trying to hit on her and scheming to take her away from you??



Indeed they do. But who said her engagement was a mistake? And if it's a mistake, why is she still with him? I think you would rather just think of it as some 'mistake' and because that then justifies your reasons for going after a 'taken' woman.



It's up to her and to find out whether she's making a mistake or not and reach the conclusion of whether he's the 'right' one for her or not.....uhm, not you.



Well she is sorta half won and when you think about it. She is engaged to the guy, half way to the aisle and through her OWN choice, not because she was forced into it and as you like to think.
It's not a case of staying off 'his land'....it's known as having 'respect' for other peoples relationships, which sadly a lot don't. It is when opportunity presents itself and in the form of someone who doesn't 'respect' a relationship/marriage, that affairs happen.



Exactly. But it wouldn't take your 'scheming' to steal her away either. Things would happen and wil happen naturally, if you are meant to be together.



Like you would get 'pissy' and if you manage to get her.....and other guys sniff around her you mean?



But the guy won't have just caught her attention. He schemed and plotted to lure her away....
And if she is naturally drawn/attracted to you, you wouldn't have to scheme and plot to get her.



Yeah well you would think that way, being the girl you long for wears a ring.....LOL



LOL....UNBELIEVABLE at just how little respect people have, for the relationships of others....TOTALLY UNBELIEVABLE!!

You have lots of valid points but i'm hardly schemeing to steal her away. I said I need to be real with her. Not undermine the other guy by shooting him down and gropping his fiance. Right now i'm acting total differant around her than what I normally would because of how I feel. I don't disrespect her relationship with him. They have been ENGAGED( Thanks to Charlie Boy II for the spelling correction ) for nearly a year and a half. I also already know that there is not date set yet. Her relationship with him just seems to be lingering and not really moving forward. It's only a perspective thing ofcourse. I couldn't possibly know how strong her feelings are for him. I only stated that I should be myself around her, and my REAL self has feelings for her. People here are mentioning that I plan to scheme and trick her to steal her away. This is not the case at all and is being misinterpreted. I would honestly never even go so far as to say anything like " He's not right for you" or even ask her out on a date.

[warriormaiden]

To me, it feels like you have let your emotions become the best of you. That you have become SO focused on this girl, that you can't see anything else.

She's ENGAGED. That means, she is halfway down the aisle already. If she wasn't happy, I'm pretty sure she would leave.

Do you know how much a douchebag it makes you look like, if you went after her while she's with this guy? I say back off. If she doesn't go through it, good. Then you can make a move. But the way the situation is right now, it looks like a lost cause. You have to move on.