My life/ relationship is a mess. Please Help

[John May]

Okay let me start by giving a little background.

I met this girl online about 1 year and a half ago, playing a game online.

We became good friends and started talking on the phone 2 maybe 3 times a week.

About months ago we started talking a lot more. We would talk everyday, and up to this date we talk about 3 to 4 hours a day. Every single day.

Feelings started to sprout. I fell in love with this girl's personality and even though we never physically met, I could see myself spending the rest of my life with her. ( I know... Its crazy but I cant help the way I feel)

I am a very good looking guy, and a very successful young doctor. She is gorgeous and currently a student.

About 6 months ago, even though we never met, we decided to be exclusive to each other until the day that we finally meet.

Now here is where things start getting complicated:

She has some childhood traumas that she says causes her fear of meeting face to face. I totally respect that, and NEVER pushed to meet her. I told her I would give her as much time as she needed. I do feel ready to meet her though.

(This is where my first red Flag happened: I know for a fact she dated other people on the past, and I know she has gone on at least 2 blind dates) So it has been 1 year and a half and she says she still not ready to meet me.... I try to reason that maybe its because we met on the internet, etc... But really after everything I am running out of excuses to myself....
Every time I bring up meeting, she says that she feels scared and wants to run away.... Which puts her on a very comfortable position.

She was very insecure at the beginning of the relationship because of the distance. So I tried my best to make her secure. So i told her what I feel about her, and how much I wanted her, and nobody else,etc.... That gave her the "control" of the relationship, and now I feel like she can pretty much do anything, because she knows that I want her really bad.

About 2 weeks ago, I found out that she was talking to some other guy(who was married) the same way she was talking to me. She would tell him she loved him, she would talk and chat, and even have phone sex. ( They never met)
I confronted her about it, and she said that she only did that because it was " a safe place" for her to be, because she could do whatever she wanted online on the phone that she knew because he was married that nothing would ever come out of it. Even though she admitted she at one point had feelings for this guy. They began talking even before we did, about 2 years and a half ago.

When I found out about it, I was absolutely devastated and my world shattered, because all of this was happening, when we were suppose to be exclusive to each other.
She cried, and seemed to feel really bad about the whole deal.
She begged me for another chance and said that she would fight for me, and show me that she loved me, and that i meant everything to her, and that the other guy meant absolutely nothing.

I decided to give her another chance, but I told her that if we were to be together after what happened, that I wanted to meet her. She said :" that's fine."

I put everything behind me ( trust me it still hurts) but I went into a mind set of forgive and forget. Because I knew that if I didnt our relationship could never work.

Then she changed.... She seemed a lot more preocupied now that she got caught, then actually hurting me and devastating me. She is more distant, more cold.

We still talk every day about the same amount of hours, and she still says that she loves me and wants to be with me. But not as much, and not with the same passion.

I understand that after everything I would grow a little more distant. BUt why her? I know she is doing this because she knows she can.... Because she knows I gave her too much power and the control of the relationship.

Also now, she is back to not want to meet, until she is ready again. Even though she said she would meet me before when things happened.

I really want this to work, and I am really giving this another chance. I am really trying to trust her, and give her an opportunity to show me that she means what she says, but everything up to this point has been just the opposite.

Seems like an obvious situation but its not. Not when you love someone so intensely and want to be with them.

I dont want to loose her, but I dont want to be played. I want to be respected, and I think I deserve someone who wants to be with me.

Please any advice, suggestion, etc.... GREATLY appreciated.

[returnofthezro]

there is something wrong with the fact that you havent seen each other yet, you said something about her past, but surely after a long period of daily conversation, you can at least have a coffee, is it a distance issue? - the fact that she is doing this with another guy, should be a warning, i dont understand what she is getting out of it, maybe attention , maybe phone sex is more fun than it sounds

i just dont see how you can "love" someone, but havent even seen them, you can talk personality all you like, but in my opinion - there has to be physical attraction, and to make yourself exclusive for a year is a bit stupid, quite surprised, you sound like you have a good head on the shoulders, you know her better than me - so you can judge her personality better than me, maybe she really is messed up, but the fact that she is doing this with another guy, should be enough to show you how committed she is, get exclusive after you see her, not before, thats if you ever do

[absolution]

I say drop her and find a girl in real life. Sounds like she just wants to string you along for attention and nothing more.

[hurt_confuzd]

You clearly haven't seen this thread yet:

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/25301-collection-doomed-internet-relationships.html[/url]

[hello1]

Shes properly a man in real life

[VincenzoG91]

Date locally. This long-distance, never-met-in-real-life stuff is incredibly worthless. Stop hiding from real life and get out there to meet people. Face to face.

[NBT]

Ok John, here goes:

First and foremost, you need to know that this girl is likely using fake pix. That's the first thing.

You may not believe it, but remember all those excuses you were making & letting her give you about why she didn't want to meet you? Well, don't do that again. Forget the excuses. A year and a half, you two love each other so much, but no meet-up? No, dude. She's playing you. PERIOD.

She's using fake pix. I'm 99.9% sure of it (and I'm rarely wrong.)

If she ISN'T using fake pix (which is doubtful) then she's still a game player, and a bullshitter, who plans to spend the rest of her life stringing you along until you're 60, still asking to meet.

Why let her do that to you? (And "because I love her" doesn't count as an answer)


Now...

You mentioned that she knows she has control of this relationship.

Well, the only way to avoid feeling how you're CURRENTLY feeling is to take the power BACK. (And it CAN be DONE)

Do you remember how it was when you caught her "cheating" with the married guy? (emotionally/verbally)

She was like "Oh, shit. I f**ked up. Let me make it up to you."

(All that BS about WHY she cheated didn't matter, since you guys are supposed to be "exclusive." Her excuses were bullshit.)

So now YOU had control. You said "Let's meet" and she had to agree, or face LOSING you.

However, ever SINCE then, she took control BACK, by becoming more DISTANT and COLD, which makes YOU even MORE needy now.

Which, in turn, puts HER back in the DRIVER'S seat. So now she can go back to deciding where the relationship goes, whether you'll meet, etc.

The way to flip the frame, and take the control back, is for YOU to be more distant. Don't be as available. Make her think she might be LOSING you.

(I don't usually advocate "playing games" and would normally suggest a straight forward approach, but I won't, just yet.)

Make her wonder why you're not putting in as much effort. Make her chase you and want you just a little bit.

In fact, tell her that you've been doin some thinking, and that YOU don't think you should meet EITHER. Flip it on her.

Or...

You can be STRAIGHT UP with her.

Tell her you're not into playing games, and that continuing a relationship with a girl who doesn't want it to go past the "telephone" stage, isn't exactly your thing, and it's time for you guys to go your separate ways.

If she tries to stop you, tell her you are too old for games, and you're looking for something serious.

If she says she is too, call her out! "Really? We're gonna get married by telephone, baby? Aww, that's so cute." Tease her.

At this point, YOU need to have control. If she tries to flip it by throwing a tantrum, do NOT FEED INTO IT!

Instead, just focus on the other aspects of your life. (I know it'll be HARD, but it WILL BE WORTH IT!)

She will NOT just "stop calling" you out of the blue. It may be a few hours, but I doubt it'll be a full day.

Either way, she WILL contact you. When she does, it means YOU'RE back in control, and SHE is chasing YOU.

And THIS time, KEEP control, and use it to make things go YOUR WAY for a change.

Good luck...Thank me later.

[mag]

She sounds like the kind of girl that
Gets off on the attention...and has no
Desire or plans to ever meet any of you.
And I agree it's a fake picture...sorry, but
She is just selfishly having fun at your expense.
Go find a real life girl..you sound like a good guy.