My relationship is in a mess

[Confused2005]

OK,

So where do I start!.....its a long story but I will keep it as simple as possible.

I am male and 29.

My long term gf is also 29 years old.

We have been together since we were 18 and have lived together since we were 21.

We dont have any children.

I suppose the first problem is that our sex life is pathetic and has been since after the first year of our relationship starting....so for 8 or 9 out of the 10 years of our relationship we have on average probably made love maybe twice a month....and often less frequently.

There are a few reasons for this. My girlfriend sufferered from depression which didn't help. She also met an old boyfriend when we had been together for a year and although she never had sex with him they did "get off" with each other and this sort of put an end to our sex life because I suppose she felt guilty. She never told me about this event until a couple of years after it happened (so three years into our relationship). At the time of course I did notice that our sex life had been turned off like a switch because before then it was pretty good!

Our sex life has never recovered since then and it used to cause huge arguments between us...but I just sort of came to accept that it was the way it was and if I was going to be with her forever then thats how it was going to be...and we stopped arguing about it because I stopped bringing it up and stopped trying to seduce her.....so things have continued that way.

We do have a lot in common and we have been successful with our lives together. We both have good jobs and even though we are only 29 we own our house and financially we are pretty secure. So thats the good side of the relationship.

Now on to the really sticky bit.....where I dont sound so good

Because our sex life was so bad I looked for other ways to "releive" myself and basically looked at porn a lot. This progressed to talking on the internet to women. Not necessarily in a sexy way, because often it was not like that all....it really was just chatting. I was just passing time rather than going to bed because when I went to bed I would just feel very frustrated because I would get rejected if I ever tried to initiate any sort of sexual contact.

I started doing this probably 2 or 3 years into our relationship (7 or 8 years ago).

Well, about 15 months ago I started chatting to a woman that lives about a hundred miles away and I must admit she totally rocked my world. I could not help falling for her in a big big way...especially as she felt the same.

She is 9 years older than me and already has 2 children. She lives in a small apartment only big enough for her and her kids as it is.

I resisted the urge to meet her for about 6 months but then finally gave into my temptations and did indeed meet her about 7 or 8 months ago.....when we met it was electric to say the least.....I had totally forgotten what it was like to feel that way.

I did have sex with her, the only woman I have ever slept with apart from my long term girlfriend, and have met her several times since then.

She knows I already have a partner, and she is not happy about it at all. Basically, she wants me for herself and has pretty much said that unless I make myself single its all over between us. I dont blame her for this one bit. I would do exactly the same.

And now I find myself in a situation I never ever dreamed I would be in.

All those years of infrequent sex and frustration where I never gave into temptation at all seem to have caught up with me and I did the one thing I thought I would never do......have an affair!

And now I have to choose between three choices.

1. Leave both women.
2. Leave my long term gf for the "other woman".
3. Stay with my long term girlfriend and forget about the "other woman".

I really dont know what to do.

This sounds bad but I love both women, but for different reasons.

I know I cant go on like this forever....but I just dont want it to.

I was just sort of hoping that someone who had been in this type of situation before might be able to offer some friendly advice.

And dont say "come clean to the long term gf".....because I dont agree with that. I cannot see the point in doing it. It would not help her if I ended my relationship with her and it would not help our relationship if I stayed with her either.....So its not good advice.....I think people who do the "own up to everything" thing only do it to clear their own conscience and make themselves feel better.

But any other advice is appreciated.

[bluesummer]

I'm just listening to the way you describe your relationship with your current gf...

We do have a lot in common and we have been successful with our lives together. We both have good jobs and even though we are only 29 we own our house and financially we are pretty secure. So thats the good side of the relationship

So that's what comes to mind when you think of this relationship? Sounds more like a business partnership to me. Also, you've been together 9 years and you're still not married? You're cheating on each other, and your sex life, as you put it, is 'pathetic'. I want to know what's still holding you together, besides familiarity. You may love her, but it doesn't mean she's a good fit for you for the rest of your life.

Don't leave your gf to be with the other woman, leave because the relationship is dead, unless you really feel it's worth the effort for the two of you to go into counselling together (which you really need if there's any hope for the two of you in the future...seriously).

[Confused2005]

Hmmm your understanding is not quite.

We are not cheating on each other.

I am cheating on her.

She basically got off with her ex bf 9 years ago....which I would not define as her currently "cheating on me".

As for not being being married.....this is not something to focus on....maybe in Vancouver this is an issue....in the UK people often have very long term relationships without being married....its really not something to focus on and its not important.....this might be why we have a lower divorce rate than you do.

However, the rest of what you say does make some sort of sense.

Especially this bit "I want to know what's still holding you together, besides familiarity."

[Asip4u]

You have a lot in common and you are both successful, is that not very important? So your sex life sucks...What else is new? What type of answers are you expecting anyways? That cheating is ok? You pretty much know your situation...It's up to you which direction you decide to take, no one can choose that for you.

[bluesummer]

She basically got off with her ex bf 9 years ago....which I would not define as her currently "cheating on me".

As for not being being married.....this is not something to focus on....maybe in Vancouver this is an issue....in the UK people often have very long term relationships without being married....its really not something to focus on and its not important.....this might be why we have a lower divorce rate than you do.

So she hasn't cheated on you CURRENTLY. That's besides the point, she still did it. At some point in your relationship, she broke your trust and was sexual with someone besides you. If you've chosen to forgive her, that's your choice. All I was trying to point out is that during the course of your relationship the both of you have been unfaithful in some form. And that speaks volumes about your level of respect for the other.

As for your divorce rate, well fine. Lots of people live here without getting married too. If that's a life choice you've both made, okay, but I was wondering if you weren't married simply because your relationship wasn't happy or stable enough for you two to feel comfortable enough with commitment. But whatever.

[TAVS]

My advice is simple. Talk to your partner and express your frustration and give her an opportunity to make things better. I cant believe you guys havent gotten to the heart of this problem by now

[Tone]

We are not cheating on each other.

I am cheating on her.

That's what you think ;)

I agree with the princess of LF - your relationship sounds dead. Especially when, like mentioned, the good points you point out of your relationship are all about financial security...

You can't be happy with someone if you have boring sex only twice a month, imo... and obviously it's important to you. So either talk to her about it and tell her it's a serious issue and see if you can work somethin out to spice things up, or leave her. Stop conniving around, livin this secret life having an affair.

[Ellynn]

Sad to say but Sex is a very important part of a relationship. Especially since you both are still young yet... If that part is dead......and your honestly not happy with her....then its best to end this dead end relationship. I think you both feel so comfortable with each other and thats why neither of you wants to move on to something else. (going thru an actual breakup)

But you have to ask yourself if you truly are happy with her? If you aren't then I think its best to end things due to the fact the relationship is dead.
Although I am against cheaters.......it sounds to me what you both have has been over for quite some time and it was just building to this.

Do each other a favor and end it....and move on. If you want to give it a shot with this other woman I say try it. If not then there are other women out there as well. Good luck with your decision.