Life changing decision, please help!!

[Your_Memory325]

First off, i wanna thank everyone who actually reads other's problems and trys to help them!

So i had a really long post typed and hit something and it closed the window...and its too much to retype soo ill try and shorten it.

Ok so long story short...
Right now i am in a relationship for 14 months now. Its been off and on and we were actually at one point in time engaged. I do love my boyfriend, hes an amazing guy! He loves me beyond words, cant get enough of me, will do anything for me, is there for me through thick and thin. He just wants me to be happy. He wants me to be the mother of his child. Really right now we are all each other has got. Our friends got jealous and decided to not be our friends anymore...
So my problem. As you can probably gather so far, my boyfriend loves me and hes an amazing guy. Im lucky i found him, and honestly hes the best i ever had. Soo why do i want to be with my ex from 2 years ago, that i was only with for 4 months?! I cannot get him off my mind. Every little thing reminds me of him. I broke my boyfriends trust by going behind his back to hang out with my ex cuz i missed him and wanted to catch up. My ex and i have been texting each other since we broke up almost 3 years ago. So its not like we lost contact or anything. My ex is now dating the girl who i thought he was cheating on me with back in the day cuz he was always with her it seemed. He claims nothing was going on, but i just got jealous and didnt wanna believe that, so i left him. Now hes been on and off with her and im just frustrated. He claims he just took her back not too long ago cuz she kept crying to him. Anyway this past week my ex and i have been hangin out...my bf dont know and his gf dont know. WE ARE NOT CHEATING just hanging out and talking about things.
Anyway i think my ex and i have feelings for one another in some way shape or form. I know i deff have strong feelings for him and if the chance came, i would prolly leave my bf now to be back with him. I just dont wanna walk away from a good guy if im just gonna be a loner in the world. As bad as it sounds i wanna make sure id be able to get back with my ex before leavin my bf. Although it would be hard. My ex is just sending me so many mixed signals right now and i dont know what to do. Do i stay with my bf and see how things go? Do i leave him and try and get my ex back? I feel like my ex has the majority of my heart and i cant break away from that. I LOVE HIM and as much as i want him back in my life i also dont wanna hurt a really good guy.

[IncognitoSir]

NO, DON"T STAY WITH YOUR BF!!!!!! Break up with him immediately. He deserves sooooo much better than you! The fact that you wanna leave your bf for your ex is so crazy that even you can't understand it. You're curious as to if maybe you broke up with your ex for no reason and now you wanna know what "could have been". Both of you (ex) deserve each other, going behind your lovers back sneaking around like a russian spy. I just feel sorry for your bf anf his gf, they're the ones that will get hurt the most in all of this. Do the right thing and let your good guy go find a good girl.

[Legato]

agreed! As much love that your bf gives you and he gets nothing back but being left for your ex!? I understand, hearts don't follow logic but you better make sure this thing with your ex isn't just a fling.

Poor guy. I guess that's one more broken heart in the world.
Do what you think is right.

[Your_Memory325]

As much as I understand that I can't bring myself to do it. I don't want all the good to just go down the drain. I pretty much have it all and I realize that. I just can't let go of my ex no matter how hard I try. I cry myself to sleep soo many nights cuz of this. I'm stressed. If I don't have a chance with my ex I don't wanna let a good thing go I'm torn between the 2...I love them both! *sigh*

[Your_Memory325]

And it's not just this relationship. My ex has caused all my relationships to end. He's so damn confused himself and it's messing with my head

[Legato]

Was he your first love or something? Better looking?

[carl1222]

First of all, you already ARE cheating on your boyfriend. You don't have to have a physical relationship to be a cheater! You're sneaking behind your boyfriend's back to spend time with another guy because you are attracted to him. That's cheating. Besides ... the way things are going, you'll probably be in bed with your ex soon anyway.

You can't always control how you FEEL, but you can control what you DO. Do you think that people are faithful for years because they never feel attracted to someone else? No ... people remain faithful because they deliberately avoid putting themselves into situations where they are tempted to act on these attractions.

Imagine your "amazing" boyfriend sitting at home blissfully ignorant of the fact that you are planning for his replacement. The poor bastard!

Who you want to be with is, of course, your choice. But lining up a new boyfriend before letting the old one go is both selfish and cowardly. You only have two choices if you are a decent person:

1) Break off ALL contact with you ex, or
2) Break up with your boyfriend so he will be free to find someone else that truly WILL be "lucky" to have him.

Carl.

ps - your relationship with your ex failed before because he was likely a cheater ... what has changed to make you think it could succeed this time?

[IncognitoSir]

^^^^ Exactly, and he's cheating on his current gf with YOU and you thought he was cheating on you years ago........ SHAME ON YOU! I can't feel sorry for you, because you're just being selfish. Period.

[Your_Memory325]

I know I'm selfish. My bf and I broke up twice previously and both times I found myself begging for him back. And both times he took me back. I know I have a good thing and it would be nice if things could work out and me be happy fully. I just don't know how to let go of my ex. It's like my heart won't let me. Cuz someway I always find myself talking to him again. Or constantly being reminded of him. I've seen for myself that he has changed. He's really matured and I'm proud of him for that. I'm just sooo confused and can't bare to be alone. It's one of my biggest fears.

[Your_Memory325]

My ex was the first person I really loved yes.

[Legato]

My ex was the first person I really loved yes.

Old habits die hard.

[humili]

Do you know what you want from a relationship ?

What are you really looking for in love and who actually makes you feel better and will be there for you always, these are some questions you have to consider first before making the decision!

[MerryH]

What you're doing is really terrible, and you seem to understand this, but you don't seem to really care enough to do anything about it. I don't know what your problem is, other than being extremely self-centered, but you really need to fix yourself before taking others down with you. You sabotage good things, you let someone else interfere with your life, your biggest fear is being alone, you use people. You're all kinds of messed up.

I mean, you're getting the obvious (and correct!) advice here, which is to break up with him, but you just come back with "but I caaaaan't! I want to have my cake and eat it toooo! My life is so hard I cry myself to sleep!" **** that. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. This is a situation YOU created. Fix it.

[Ariadne]

What you're doing is really terrible, and you seem to understand this, but you don't seem to really care enough to do anything about it. I don't know what your problem is, other than being extremely self-centered, but you really need to fix yourself before taking others down with you. You sabotage good things, you let someone else interfere with your life, your biggest fear is being alone, you use people. You're all kinds of messed up.

I mean, you're getting the obvious (and correct!) advice here, which is to break up with him, but you just come back with "but I caaaaan't! I want to have my cake and eat it toooo! My life is so hard I cry myself to sleep!" **** that. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. This is a situation YOU created. Fix it.

So...much...truth...