How wrong am I?

[OkieDokie]

well it sounds like you are on the right track...good luck to you. i just hope that things don't fall out with this other guy and she comes running back to you right before the final decisions are made. she'll want to be back with you for the wrong reasons. try to stay grounded and realistic.

Well I've made it clear to her the impact her other relationship has had on ours, this isn't just a matter of finding our love again and working on US. I don't think I'd take her back right now if she said he moved to timbucktoo, she betrayed our relationship and it cannot be undone IMO. We've both said the samething when it comes in cheating, do it once, you'll do it again and I won't be around for the second time. So now its time for me to put my money where my mouth is, since I never thought I'd have to leave her. lol Oh well.

[megxox]

That is exactly it. She doesn't want to talk it out with me, to me it feels like she doesn't even seem to care anymore and I've told her thats how I feel. She just says the love isn't there anymore and can't explain why, which I understand. I mean it is hard to describe falling love, I assume it's just as hard to describe falling out of it too. She apologizes for this whenever we talk about it and I think she genuinely feels bad. But now, to me, it has escalated to her having an on going relationship with another guy and its tough to swallow, should she want to try to work it out between us. Had she of told me about him and stopped their relationship then and made an effort to work on our relationship I would feel differently. Two weeks ago when everything pretty much came to a head I sincerely wanted to work it out but shes continued with this guy, rather than make an effort on our relationship so what am I supposed to take from that?

You deserve to know what's going on. You two obviously had something special at one point, and I think she needs to show you at least some decency by discussing this with you. Reality is, I guess, that this isn't a perfect world, and you can't make her do that. But I think if you two don't talk at least somehow, there's going to always be some animosity and anger there that's going to be tough to get over. If you guys were a new couple dating for a week, and this happened, then it wouldn't be a good idea. But she's your wife. There's a lot more to it, and I don't think it's fair to you for her to just say, "sorry, love is gone," and leave. I think there's a lot more to it then that. And I don't mean get back together, cancel the separation, blah blah blah. If you need to separate, you need to separate. But if you don't talk, I think you're going to be left with a lot of unanswered questions (you know, the "what did I do wrong?" questions).

[Radarsonar]

You deserve to know what's going on. You two obviously had something special at one point, and I think she needs to show you at least some decency by discussing this with you. Reality is, I guess, that this isn't a perfect world, and you can't make her do that. But I think if you two don't talk at least somehow, there's going to always be some animosity and anger there that's going to be tough to get over. If you guys were a new couple dating for a week, and this happened, then it wouldn't be a good idea. But she's your wife. There's a lot more to it, and I don't think it's fair to you for her to just say, "sorry, love is gone," and leave. I think there's a lot more to it then that. And I don't mean get back together, cancel the separation, blah blah blah. If you need to separate, you need to separate. But if you don't talk, I think you're going to be left with a lot of unanswered questions (you know, the "what did I do wrong?" questions).

Wh...? These things happen all the time. Simple as pie really, she fell in love with another man and consecutively lost feelings for her husband. Said husband recognizes this and after some internal and external debate he files for divorce. What's there to talk about?

OkieDokie, I applaud you for your sober look on this matter. You don't descend into rage like some men would, nor do you let her walk all over you.

[OkieDokie]

Wh...? These things happen all the time. Simple as pie really, she fell in love with another man and consecutively lost feelings for her husband. Said husband recognizes this and after some internal and external debate he files for divorce. What's there to talk about?

OkieDokie, I applaud you for your sober look on this matter. You don't descend into rage like some men would, nor do you let her walk all over you.

Thanks. As much as I would like to be that angry guy I just keep thinking it won't get me anywhere. Another piece of advice my attorney friend gave me was don't give her a reason to get me kicked out of my own house, lol.

While I would like to have sort of closure as to what happened, I can live with the " I fell out of love with you", it sucks but it happens, just like people fall in love with a POS person, you can't say why sometimes. I have my own thoughts as to why and I will bring them up at some point but I'll take the experience and move along. Honestly, I still love her, but I know I cannot be with her after what shes done as far as this other guy is concerned. Falling out of love is fine, we can work on it, but cheating is another ball game for me, its just....... well F'd up.

[OkieDokie]

Well, things are progressing further towards divorce. We've talked about how we'd like the process to go and it's looking like that what we're doing and so far there isn't any drama. She doesn't want to try to make it work and I wouldn't want to anymore anyway after what she did. She teared up when I told her that, but said she understood ( DUH) afterwards. Even though parts of me love her still, I know we couldn't make it work now, to much has been lost. Unfortunately for us, financially we can't totally seperate right now. We both need eachother to pay the mortgage ( we're both liable for it) and we can't put it on the market right now as it sits, so we're kind of in a lull. We're tackling each room, getting it ready for sale, finishing stupid little projects we procrastinated on.

Now our biggest issue when to tell our families. Her family likes me, mine likes her. My family ( to my knowledge) doesn't know anything about whats going on. Her sister and mom know, though her mom wasn't happy when my wife told her things weren't getting better this weekend and didn't want to talk about it anymore. ( Things are actually getting better, just not better towards staying together) We don't want to ruin each of our families holidays and both of us would like to see each others family again as neither of us know how our families will treat the ex spouse after seperation.

[damn2010]

So this guy she is seeing is married with kids too?

Your future wife is SO stupid. You're taking the right path dude.

The divorce rate is high but does she even know the success rate of affairs becoming LONG-TERM relationships? That's even lower!!!!

[IncognitoSir]

To the OP, I feel for you guy and I commend you for taking the high road on this one. I defiantly would of flown completely off the handle with her about this. I hope you come out on top of this divorce and move on with your life ASAP! G'luck!

[OkieDokie]

Thanks for the replies. Unfortunately for me we're in a no fault state so the divorce law doesn't look at what or who caused the divorce so she can get what she wants up until the difference in our incomes, provided I can live my life also. We've only been married 2 1/2yrs so the max I'll owe her anything is 1.25yrs but so far she's said she doesn't want to push the issue and just wants to split. We don't have kids so that is not an issue. Gotta get this house out of the way then we'll be moving on.

I'm not sure what her thought process is in this whole thing was. We could have worked it out if it was just an issue of finding the love but it was never brought up until it turned into her having feelings for someone and not wanting to work it out. She's handled this whole thing rather stupidly, not sure if its blind love for this married father dude or if she just gave up on us. Either way it's stupid after 8yrs to throw it away.

[OkieDokie]

So this guy she is seeing is married with kids too?

Your future EX- wife is SO stupid. You're taking the right path dude.

The divorce rate is high but does she even know the success rate of affairs becoming LONG-TERM relationships? That's even lower!!!!

fixed it for you. haha Definitely handled this stupidly.

[Radarsonar]

I'm not sure what her thought process is in this whole thing was. We could have worked it out if it was just an issue of finding the love but it was never brought up until it turned into her having feelings for someone and not wanting to work it out. She's handled this whole thing rather stupidly, not sure if its blind love for this married father dude or if she just gave up on us. Either way it's stupid after 8yrs to throw it away.

Unfortunately, stupidity is a trait that runs rampant through mankind. Take it on the chin and allow yourself a fleeting moment of glee when you find out her fling didn't work out. Good luck.

[OkieDokie]

Unfortunately, stupidity is a trait that runs rampant through mankind. Take it on the chin and allow yourself a fleeting moment of glee when you find out her fling didn't work out. Good luck.

This is true. I already don't think it'll work. Guy is married with kids. He's 38 and wife and I are 28. They seem to have a high school type relationship. We have a master bedroom thats sort of a loft ( which BTW, WTH am I sleeping in the spare bedroom?, should have never started doing it) and I can hear her texting sometimes throughout the night from the living room for hours on end when I'm watching TV. pretty funny.

Anyone go through this process before? I'm in a stage where I want some sort of answer, ANYTHING. All I get from her is " I don't know". I said to her last night, what am I supposed to tell women I date, "my wife just fell out of love with me after being together 8yrs and found someone else and didn't give me a reason why." Is this acceptable? Sounds as though I'd be hiding something. Get ready for my posts about meeting new women once my wife is outta my hair. lol

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You should start seeing new women now. Refer to your wife as your roommate.

[misombra]

You ared too young to be dealing with this. Kick that bitch out and start dating a bunch of other women. Tell her that you have a date and you're bringing her home so she will either have to deal or leave. I cannot believe you are taking this from her. Get a backbone.

[OkieDokie]

I have gone out to meet women, thats not an issue, atleast not yet as nothing has progressed beyond talking and exchanging numbers. No way am I bringing them home. First of all its a crap hole since we're painting a couple rooms and getting rid of crap from 4yrs of living there. 2nd of all I'm trying to keep it somewhat civil, as of right now our divorce is easy, she could make it MUCH worse for me if she wanted to. Shes not walking all over me. Well besides being relagated to our old bed in the spare bedroom but I started sleeping there first and this whole mess. I think she half heartedly offered to sleep there at one point. Part of the issue with this progressing faster besides the house is that neither of us wants to ruin our families holidays. I'm fine with what we're doing until the new year and so is she, we just have odd conversations at times about our whole mess, just need to cut those out.

[bluesummer]

Anyone go through this process before? I'm in a stage where I want some sort of answer, ANYTHING. All I get from her is " I don't know". I said to her last night, what am I supposed to tell women I date, "my wife just fell out of love with me after being together 8yrs and found someone else and didn't give me a reason why." Is this acceptable? Sounds as though I'd be hiding something. Get ready for my posts about meeting new women once my wife is outta my hair. lol

Yeah, I've been through this process. I was still living with my ex and sleeping in separate rooms, having to listen to him text or call his gf in my house when we hadn't even yet filed for divorce. He was there on my ****ing charity. It was impossible for me to date, how could I explain how I was living with my ex?

Luckily WE didn't have a mortgage. If you didn't I'm sure you would've gotten out of there asap. Your wife is so juvenile, honestly.....does she think this guy is going to leave his wife for her and they're going to ride off in the sunset together? I'm rooting for you buddy. I want to see you meet some nice girl who rocks your world, and then find out that married guy dumped your ex and she's miserable and pleading for you back.