How wrong am I?

[OkieDokie]

A little background,

About a month ago my wife tells me there is someone else. Tells me just flirting and hugging after walking to the parking lot. Fine, no big deal just a little taken aback and upset by it but after a couple days its fine, she knows I do this with some friends who are girls, I don't consider it cheating and I have no reason to believe she'd lie about it. She does tell me that he's told her he wishes they could be together( He is married with kids), and that leaves me a little uneasy though as that is a bit more than flirting. They've known each other2-3 months. We talk about it, both agree we need to communicate better and she says they are just friends. We both agree that we should see a marriage counselor to see about improving our relationsihp.
A couple normal weeks go by until one night when I could tell she was lying about who she was talking to on the phone but she insisted on it that it was her sister, but the way she acted was otherwise. I check the phone number online and it wasn't her sister. I feel bad for going behind her back and checking but I KNEW she was lying and she was, she was talking that guy along with texting him 10-20 times a day. She insists she wants to work it out with me and they are friends.

They work together and still text after work. This week she tells me she they went out after work for coffee and he invites her to a hockey game, and she says shes going to go if he has the extra ticket. She said it would just be the two of them. We've been to 1 hockey game together and she was meh about it, wasn't crazy about it but had fun. She barely watches a whole game on TV with me. I basically go off the deep end. Don't know what to say. Hurt. Angry. I tell her I feel like she can't be committed to working it out our relationship AND do this stuff with this guy. So now she's told him she isn't going to go with him and shes acting sad and down, because she "wants to go to the hockey game with him". Now I feel bad kind of because I feel like THAT guy that won't let his wife out, but this is beyond friends in my opinion.

Am I out of line for feeling this way about her going out with this guy at this stage?

[Applesauce]

you're completely justified in all this. It bothers me that she would even try to make you feel guilty for not wanting your wife to go out with another man

[5 kids for us]

thats crazy .. she admitted flirting and hugging this guy and now wants to go out just the two of them ...no way you are would be silly to allow this ,, its an open door in my eyes?

[OkieDokie]

Thanks for the replies.

thats crazy .. she admitted flirting and hugging this guy and now wants to go out just the two of them ...no way you are would be silly to allow this ,, its an open door in my eyes?

Open door to separation I assume? Kinda feels that way right now.

I was just dumb founded that she would think this would be OK with me and for our relationship. The only thing I could respond with was that if she went with him it would be the same as telling me that our relationship is done. Maybe it was a bit over the line but it was how I felt. I asked her if any of her friends thought her going with him was was out of line, and all I got was a yes. She doesn't respond to most of my statements on how I feel or asking her what if it was me doing this exact thing with a girl, how would she feel.

Right now I want to work things out, we've been together for 8 yrs, married for 2. I just feel like she doesn't want to, she says she does but her emotions say otherwise. All I've gotten from her feelings wise is that her head and heart are telling her different things and that she has checked out a while ago. She didn't define a while ago but to me it started a month ago, which goes back to our lack of effective communication.

[Poetic_Partner]

It seems to me she wants to be in an open relationship. Nothing wrong with her wanting it, but before she even thinks of acting on it you need to agree. You don't, so she's the one who needs to accept that limit.

Your limits are flirting and acquaintanceship - she needs to accept and respect that.

Perhaps more worrisome to me than the attempted guilt-trip is the secrecy. That's a sure way to kill trust and stress a relationship.

Sorry that I don't have any real advice. Hopefully the counseling will help.

-PP

[OkieDokie]

It seems to me she wants to be in an open relationship. Nothing wrong with her wanting it, but before she even thinks of acting on it you need to agree. You don't, so she's the one who needs to accept that limit.

Your limits are flirting and acquaintanceship - she needs to accept and respect that.

Perhaps more worrisome to me than the attempted guilt-trip is the secrecy. That's a sure way to kill trust and stress a relationship.

Sorry that I don't have any real advice. Hopefully the counseling will help.

-PP

Thanks for the reply. I don't think she realizes how much this impacted our relationship and the trust level. If this had been a guy friend that she's had for awhile and I knew I wouldn't careless honestly, but this guy is more than just a friend right now, IMO. We've always encouraged each other to have friends and spend time with them.

Unfortunately I'm beginning to think counseling won't matter right now. She SAYS she wants to try to work out or relationship but her actions say otherwise. We went out to dinner and stayed in to a movie last night and I made attempts at holding hands, cuddling ( she normally LOVES cuddling) and being close but got nothing from her. I asked what she wanted as far as sleeping arrangements and she said separate. If I was her and was trying to build our relationship back I would be receptive to things that would build our relationship.

Does counseling help sort everything out? I'm not expecting it to solve everything, but will it provide some perspective? I know it will come down to what each of us want in the end but does it help? Anyone go through it?

[RdHrshyKss]

sounds like this guy is not happy in his marriage, she's not happy in hers...and they are looking to each other as a form of escape/excitement. you are not out of line for not wanting her to go. if she was in your situation, how do you think she would feel? i'm sure she would feel exactly how you are feeling.

i hope the counselling can help you guys. good luck.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Don't waste your time and money on counselling. She has checked out of this marriage, and the only way to rope her back in, is to serve her with a separation agreement and get the **** out now while you've still got your dignity. It's only a matter of time before they ****, and it's probably going to be some sleazy shit like in the car or at work because they know they can't do it at home...and it's probably already happened.

[girl68]

She's already treading deep waters with this guy. But the fact she is continuing to FURTHER the "friendship" is a huge alarm bell.

[OkieDokie]

Thanks for all the replies. Well she hasn't done anything but continue with the no talking to me about it and still texting this guy. She admitted she has kissed him a few times and she has feelings for him. I can tell she has ZERO for me. Wish it didn't get this far, had she of brought up her checking out earlier we probably could have worked it out but its gotten to far IMO. I wanted to work it out but not so much now. I stopped at an attorney friends place, looks like she can't get me for to much. Oh well.

[megxox]

Women usually cheat because they're getting something emotionally from another guy that she's not getting in her relationship. You need to talk with her, she obviously has a lot of relationship issues that she's keeping to herself. Counseling honestly would be a good idea.

[OkieDokie]

Women usually cheat because they're getting something emotionally from another guy that she's not getting in her relationship. You need to talk with her, she obviously has a lot of relationship issues that she's keeping to herself. Counseling honestly would be a good idea.

That is exactly it. She doesn't want to talk it out with me, to me it feels like she doesn't even seem to care anymore and I've told her thats how I feel. She just says the love isn't there anymore and can't explain why, which I understand. I mean it is hard to describe falling love, I assume it's just as hard to describe falling out of it too. She apologizes for this whenever we talk about it and I think she genuinely feels bad. But now, to me, it has escalated to her having an on going relationship with another guy and its tough to swallow, should she want to try to work it out between us. Had she of told me about him and stopped their relationship then and made an effort to work on our relationship I would feel differently. Two weeks ago when everything pretty much came to a head I sincerely wanted to work it out but shes continued with this guy, rather than make an effort on our relationship so what am I supposed to take from that?

[RdHrshyKss]

sounds like she has checked out and isn't interested in working on things because of her infatuation with this coworker. end it...if she is unwilling to stop contact with this guy, counseling won't do anything but prolong the inevitable because her mind won't be in the right place.

right now she is mentally putting your needs/wants aside so that she can go after the excitement she gets communicating with this other guy. she likes the attention, even if it's at the expense of your own happiness. this is very selfish and i personally wouldn't try salvaging it...it will only tell her that it's ok for her to take advantage of you and take you for granted. she's had a decent amount of time to figure her shit out, and she still refuses. she's stuck in her little daydream world. she doesn't want to go through the trouble of actually ENDING it with you because, let's face it, there is no guarantee that this guy will leave his own relationship (he has kids!). but she doesn't want to ruin the way things are between them either...she's trying to live her fantasy her way without considering you at all. she doesn't want to talk about it because she will feel guilty...so she avoids altogether.

you need to make the move. i'd make plans with family/friends to move your stuff out when she's at work. then have someone serve her the divorce papers. you shouldn't tolerate this type of treatment. you say you think she feels genuinely bad? maybe, somewhere deep down that she's consciously ignoring...but even if that is the case, she doesn't love you. someone who loves another person wouldn't treat them the way she is treating you. she is putting herself before you in every aspect, she loves herself and her own happiness way more than you.

do what you need to do to get things rolling in the right direction, contact a lawyer, get the paperwork drafted and make plans to move out. somebody's got to make a move, and it doesn't sound like she is going to unless this guy leaves his own wife...which doesn't sound like it will be happening anytime soon since things are more complicated for him with his kids.

and i wouldn't feel too bad about it. she's acting like a narcissistic bitch, and i believe in karma. what goes around comes around. if she's more interested in nurturing her messed up/unfaithful relationship with this guy, over trying to work on her relationship with you (someone who was actually willing to forgive such horrible behavior), then she deserves all the crap that's going to go along with it.

[OkieDokie]

Thanks HershyKiss. Thats pretty much where I'm at,Like you said I just need to get it rolling. My attorney friend went thru the process with me, she said she'll get the paperwork started when we/I need. I'm glad I talked to her, she put my mind at ease about how the process worked and that she can't really screw me financially. I was worried because I basically make twice as much but since our time together is so short and we don't have much in way of assets yet it'll be easy. Just have to worry aobut our house we MIGHT break even on if we're lucky.

We talked about seperating last night too and I think both of us came away feeling better, so that seems like sign enough for me. I guess she's still going to talk to the pasture at her work but like I said, this whole side relationship she's having has pretty much done me in once she decided their relationship was more important than ours. She hasn't SAID as much, but her actions have DEFINETLY spoken to me.

[RdHrshyKss]

well it sounds like you are on the right track...good luck to you. i just hope that things don't fall out with this other guy and she comes running back to you right before the final decisions are made. she'll want to be back with you for the wrong reasons. try to stay grounded and realistic.