Should a guy wait for a girl?

[tattlemeoff]

Hi my name is Hafiz, I am from Malaysia and i am 26 years old.

i am having a big problem with my relationship (im not sure if it is a relationship anymore) and I really need your honest advice and your opinion so that i can make proper decision for my life.

It is very complicated and to make it fair you need to understand the whole story first. So I am going to tell about my girlfriend and then me and then the relationship and lastly the decision that I have to make.

I have been with Jan(my girlfriend) for 3 years and 9 months. She is now in Barcelona doing her masters after her company gave her a scholarship. She will be back in November 2011 because she is tied to her company's contract for the scholarship.
Recently her father just passed away (God Bless His Soul). She lost her mother when she was just 4 years old, therefore she is very close to her father.

I am just a simple guy who doesn't like complicated stuff. I am very calm in handling problems (at least I think I do). I love Jan very much. This is the longest relationship I have ever been in. we have built this relationship together and I have always been taking care of Jan. I have a soft spot for her and dont ever want to see her sad.

The relationship troubles began just last month (before her father passed away) when she asked me for a time off. I was a bit angry but i keep it cool and gave her the time off from each other that she wanted. The reason she gave me is because she said we have been talking to each other everyday. So we had our time apart. Then 2 weeks after that, her father passed away. She came back to Malaysia and I accompanied her all the way. Then one day when we had the chance to talk to each other, she said she wants to break up because she wants to do something reckless and she wanted a change in her life.

Being so close to her for 3 years, I manage to calm her down and told her that we can fix whatever problems we have together and whatever she needs to go through, we can do it together one step at a time. so then she agreed with me and try to work things out. (We have never had any big argument in 3 years of our relationship, any problems, we manage to fix it within the hour)

So after that, she went back to barcelona. before all this happened, we had planned that I will come and visit her there. My journey to Barcelona is just 10 days after she went back.

So everything was like normal. I went to London with my company and the plan is to go to barcelona after that. However on the 6th day on my london trip, we had a chat on skype and she told me that she feels very strongly about breaking up and she wants to leave me. I was totally unprepared and never thought that this would happened especially when I am with my company and just a few days before Im going to barcelona. Listening to my intuition, I called her twin sister and asked her what was really going on that I dont know. I then found out that she is attracted to her class mate (a guy from latin america named Javier) I was very angry and straight away call Jan and asked her to tell me the truth. Then she told me that she is attracted to this guy and she has never been with another guy before except for me and this would be the first time she feels attracted to another guy.

Somehow when all this happened, I managed to talked to her calmly and asked her to wait and we should talk about this when I get there.

what happened next was, her sisters (her twin and her elder sister who lives in london) called me and asked me how I was doing and try to listen to the problems that we are having. it was nice of them to comfort me by giving me encouragement.
They told me that what their sister is doing is not fair but they believe that this is happening because of the passing of their father. Well it made me think that I lost my mother and i was lost too. So then I am giving her the benefit of a doubt and try to understand the troubles that she is going through. So I told her sisters that I am still going to Barcelona still as my heart tells me that i need to be there to give her support no matter how hurt i am.

So my plan was to go to barcelona is to try and fix the relationship and be there for her. I would like to show her that I can be the best boyfriend. So when i got there, she immediately hug me real tight and welcomed me like nothing happened.

Eventually we had a talk and i told her to give us a chance and lets see where things go. So I told her I am going to be in barcelona for a week and I am sill her boyfriend and she should remember that.

So we had our time talking things trough and trying to find out what makes her feel how she felt. She explained to me that she is not even sure she liked the guy, but she just know she is attracted to the guy. (this is because the guy works the same industry with her and i am working on the opposite industry)She told me she still loves me but she is just confused. She said the reason why she needs to do this is because we are already talking about marriage and she had already asked her elder sister for a date when she can come back for the wedding. So I am guessing she is freaking out. She said she needs to be with someone else to make sure that I am the person that she really wants to get married to.

At first i did not agree with what she is doing. I even gave her the option to go out with the guy while she is still together with me. However she said it would not be fair for me, however i told her that it is just an attraction and it is not harm to find out beccause we are not married yet. But even with the option i gave her, she still wants to break up. Mind you that for 8 days i stayed in her apartment, i cooked everyday for her, clean her place buy her dinner, flowers and all i can do in a foreign country.

Unfortunately all my efforts did not work and i had no chance but to agree with her and break up. So we decided to break up but I told her that I am going to wait for her and I believe that we didnt go through 3 years just to waste it like this for some attraction she is having for a guy. she told me it is not fair for me to wait but i insist on waiting for her. This is because i know that she has to come back on november. and even if this guy that she likes turn out to be a saint, the long distance relationship will suck and the fact that he is from a different religeon the future is not really very realistic. Although it might turn the other way around and that is what i am afraid off.

I am here back in malaysia, stopping myself not to message her or call her. God knows how hurt i am inside, but because i have been through a lot (my mom passed away, my grand ma, almost everyone i love left me) I cant really cry (dont remember when was the last time i cried) but it still hurt everyday.

now i have three sisters and 2 of them suggested that I totally forget about her and said that she was ungrateful for doing this to me. They know the things i do for her and they told me they have never met a guy who will do this for a girl. now im not gonna mentioned the details of what I do for her but just keep in mind before you make an opinion of what my sister said.

Now I am torn to make this decision, my sisters told me to leave this relationship and forget about her and never contact her again coz they are the only one who knows i am hurting and they are right. I am hurting even though i dont show it. My friends told me to hang on and they leave the decision to me. Jan's sister said it is my decision but they told me its not going to be fair for me to wait while she is having someone else. Jan's elder sister told me to think again whether I want a kind of wife who is very complicated like her sister.

But I love her and I dont think i went through 3 years and 9 months just to end it like this. I never had this kind of relationship before where i never have an argument and all problems can be settled. I never had someone i really deeply in love with that I feel I can do anything for her. I want to wait for her because somewhere in my heart I belive that she will come back to me and the thing that she is going through is just a bump and she will realize that she is making a mistake. and i believe that she told me she still love me and she wants to do this to make sure that she wants to marry me. but it doesnt make sense at all that she needs to leave me to make sure that i am the right person. Isnt that the opposite of making sure i am the man to get married too? I am so confused, my sister told me that they cant see me hurt again and I am hurt, but I dont want to leave jan like this. I feel more hurt to not be able to be with her forever. i am living with hope that she is coming back but somehwere in my mind tells me that she is not coming back to me.... makes me feel so awful, makes me think i am not a good boyfriend, but i cant think of any reason what bad things i did to her or what i didnt do for her... my heart is torn apart with decision that i cant even think what is good for my self.

I know this is a long story and I am sorry that you guys have to read this. But If you ever trully love a person, you know why i am doing this. I have never asked relationship advice from anyone and for me to ask this online, it shows how desperate I am for a decision. I dont know how long my heart can take this.. the longer I am like this, I am beginning to hate myself.

Please help to comment and give your opinion on this. Should I wait for her? or should i just move on and go out on dates and meet other people???

please help. Thank you so much and i am sorry for this burden that I have to share with all of you.

Thank you

[HeartIsAching]

I think you need to accept that it's over.

[IncognitoSir]

Man that REALLY sucks and I'm sorry for what you're going through. IMO, I think she is confused/devastated/lost, but that doesn't give her a reason to turn away from you like that. I mean she's willing to BREAK UP with you over an attraction to another person? She doesn't even know if she likes the guy, but she's willing to take a chance and leave you for him???? No way, she's not worth waiting on man. If she loved you the way you love her, she would NEVER do this to you. I would suggest you completely break it off with her because the suffering is only going to get worst for you. Soon, she'll realize no one understands her like you do and she'll try to contact you while dating this new guy. It's gonna be a constant push and pull, on/off, hot/cold. Your life would become miserable. 3 years is a long time to just break it off for a random attraction man. She's never been with another guy, so what? Don't wait for her to go try other guys and figure out which she wants, that's not fair to you. Whatever you do, don't wait on her man.

[Boisdevie]

When my dad died I wanted my GF there. Sounds like your relationship is over - I'm sorry

[ASMD]

Sorry man but it sounds as if its done... time to move on...

[tattlemeoff]

Thanks for replying guys. Ive talked to a lot of people and try to make sense of waiting for her and the reason she is giving me and everyone is giving me the same answer except for myself. 3 years is a really long time and what she is doing is unjustified. But I have been with her for 3 years and I would never thought she is capable of doing all this. I guess it is me who have to move on right? she seems like she have moved on really fast.

also its true what you guys said, she should wanted me more when her father died.

it is just so sad that 3 years ended this way. I wished there is another way to change her mind...

[R3AL_LUV]

That's a really painful story that you have told us. I was in a relationship for 3.5 years and I also loved my gf she was great I taught her everything and made her what she is today and believed in her, sure I admit I was harsh and this is why we broke up but she has a new boyfriend now and I'm still single but I have taken some time to think about who I want to commit to. There are some girls i have been talking to. Day by day you will forget her and you will move on from all this but do not make the same mistakes that I made and keep thinking about her and think it was ur fault. I know for sure that I was the best bf she could ever have and now after 1 month of breaking up completely and blocking all contact with each other I'm much more happier and there's much less stress on my shoulders. You might think that you can never see yourself with another girl because she's the best but you would be wrong to think that just take your time and meet the right person and make sure that you don't make decisions based on anger because I told some girls that I like them when I really didn't just because of my anger and now I regret that I never told them that because it had made things awkward between myself and them.

[sprotz]

A leopard doesn't change its spots. Enough said.