is he stringing me along

[Lolla]

Hi everyone,

I have been dealing with this question in my head for such a long time that I've been driving myself crazy. I am looking forward to hear other people's opinion about it since I cannot hear my own anymore.

I will try to make the story short. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. It's had its up and downs as any relationship but i feel that now we reached a common point and we are getting along nicely. After one year together we have decided to move in together in the apartment I just bought which was a one bedroom. After 8 months of living together we got to the point where fighting about everything was so bad that we decided to break up. We were broken up for 2 weeks and my boyfriend realised that the reason while he was on the edge and angry was because he felt that he did not have enough space in our one bedroom apartment. As we were just getting back together, it was decided that he was going to look for another apartment where he could put all his music stuff and go there some time to have his space. I was not ready to put the apartment i just bought for rent.

I've had my love hate with this living situation as it feels he's free to come and go whenever he wants to, while i am stuck in an apartment that we still regard as our ( he still has his cloths etc there). moreover the situation complicates further, as now after 6 months from that breaking up episode and us getting along so nicely i feel like i want us to be a unit again. But i don't see the same from him. He does say all this things but it does not change the fact that he has another apartment where he can stay when he pleases. Moreover, his work contract in this country is finishing in 1 year and he still needs to make the decision of what he will do afterwards. He says he doesn't know yet and i know his family is keen on him moving back to the states and doing an MBA. It feels like he has no plans for us and has no clue what he wants from us, while at the same time he's trying to be nice and any time i act like the relationship is not a big deal he takes offence.

this situation has been affecting me badly as I don't know where I stand in all this. there are no plans for us, he has another apartment so maybe i should give up thinking that we can become more than what we are at the moment. I know i love him, and i want to be with him and i want us to be a unit. But i don't want to be in this situation for one more year and then just being told that this is it and it was fun while it lasted.

what should i do? any advice?

thanks for listening,

Lolla

[listen not hear]

Wow, you have my sympathies. This IS a very difficult situation because you are so emotionally attached and for good reasons too. You've invested much of your time with this man and it's at such a delicate moment at this time you might feel one wrong move can end in disaster. I can sense you don't want to make the wrong decision in fear of driving him away further but also don't want to stand around waiting for it to fall apart on it's own and wasting MORE time.

What you do now is very important and you should have the understanding there is a good chance of things not working out with him. Prepare yourself emotionally. Getting upset or allowing your emotions to overtake you when you guys argue will only make things worse and make him feel like he's even more restrained and needs MORE space. You can't force him to get rid of the other apartment but you can talk about it with him very calmly. And most importantly listen. Don't just hear but really listen to what's bothering him without any judgment, without taking it personally and without always trying to fix everything. Talk about how you're feeling rather then telling him what you want him to do. For instance saying, "I wish you would just get rid of the other apartment, it's splitting us apart" is a no no...saying, "I feel like we are drifting apart and I'm not sure if it's because of the other place or maybe we ARE drifting and that's something I don't want because i do care about you." that's better. No matter what you say you can't just sit around and torture yourself with the issue. You have to talk about it but you need to learn how to talk to him so he won't feel overwhelmed.

Try doing some research on how to be a good listener. It can help. Good luck.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I think he is stringing you along. He probably already knows he's going to move back to the states, but wants to keep you around until he leaves because he does like you, he's comfortable, and you probably provide regular sex for him.