Next Step

[FwedFwintstone]

I told my girlfriend (of about four months) that I thought she was treating me badly and ignoring me. I get the feeling she has flipped out and keeping her distance, for what reason I don't know.

She came back to tell me she feels Im smothering her (which isn't true and most of the times we meet are her idea anyhow).

In a few days I won't have seen her for about five weeks. She is still ignoring me.

I trust her completely, that what she says is true, that she loves me and wants to fix this, I also don't believe she is seeing someone else. She wanted time initially to focus on some work issues. Now those are complete, she still isn't talking.

But right now Im stuck with a girlfriend who isn't talking to me who I don't know even if she feels the same about the relationship as I do anymore as she can make time for everything else but me.

Maybe she's waiting on a big present for an apology?

Im still holding out hope there's some kind of rational explanation - that maybe she's under so much stress that she doesn't want to ruin the relationship by having me in her life and have her snap at me and me say goodbye.

Im thinking in a few days, of seeing one of her friends (who I also know quite well) just to see what's happening.

I would go round my girlfriends house but she doesn't know her address. I know where her parents live though.

Seeing her friend I know is risky. But it really is last chance for me because I can't do this any longer.

What do you guys suggest? Given that she isn't talking to me and isn't seeing me, what should I do? Forget the negative comments for now, we'll save that until I actually know something.

[FwedFwintstone]

She's told me she is stressed with everything and that she hasn't been herself for the past few months. That's when we started going out! I still don't get why that means she can't find time for me :-(

If she won't meet me, Im thinking of sending one long email explaining things, my thoughts, my feelings and asking her if she still feels the same about us. It could help her to understand more, or it could be like me committing suicide. It just seems this silent episode has been triggered by me, but she says it's stress.

[ShellyZ]

Sounds like she's lost interest in you and the relationship. Five weeks is a long time to ignore someone. If she still had feelings for you, she would want to work things out with you. And you don't work things out by ignoring someone. That's what you do when you want someone to go away. I'm guessing she doesn't have the nerve to break up with you properly, so she's trying to just fade out of your life.

[novocane]

Five weeks? It's over dude. Everything she is telling you is skirting around the truth.. she doesn't have the balls to tell you it's over.

When girls say that they need time to "work on themselves" or something of that nature it usually translates into she has lost interest. If someone wants to be with you, they will find the time however they can, even with work/school/whatever.

Sorry man.

[FwedFwintstone]

Sorry guys, I think I didn't explain myself properly. She isn't totally ignoring me, but I do get one or two text messages a week. In the middle of this she has said she wants to sort this and that she still loves me. Facebook says we're a couple and she hasn't taken down the pictures. But she isn't texting me like she used to and we haven't seen each other in five weeks.

I know she does have some personal issues right now, but the fact she can't make any time for me is suspect. I can understand her being stressed, but unless she sees me as another stressor, then I can't understand her silence. She can do everything else but see me.

If you guys think it's over, maybe I should still see the friend just to see if anybody has the balls to stand up and be counted. I have nothing to lose. I'll be pissed if she's playing games, and if she is, then she's been playing them for a while, I picked up on it and she's stormed off sulking.

[VincenzoG91]

You two just probably aren't a good match. You are looking for somebody clingy and she wants a lot of independence. Break it off, so both of you can find more suitable partners.

[novocane]

I don't think you're listening man, you are blinded right now by your love for her. If she has made no effort to see you in five weeks, and is making excuses, it's over dude! Texting you once or twice in a week.. does that sound like the actions of someone in love?

You said she first needed time for "work issues", these things she is telling you are bullsh*t lines because she wants to keep you on the back burner. Someone who is busy will MAKE the time, even if its 1 hour, to see someone they love and are interested in.

I know you don't want to hear this, but she may be interested in someone else and if that falls through, she MIGHT try to contact you again until something better comes along. Do you really want to be with someone like that?

[Gratedwasabi]

It's over. She's keeping you mildly around just in case she gets too lonely being fully alone and needs your clingy attention/support. As soon as she does start dating someone else, you'll go from a text or two a week to no texts and a "I'm going to get a restraining order" if you keep texting her.

$100 on it for any takers.

[FwedFwintstone]

Whichever way it is, something doesn't add up right. Things were great to begin with, there seemed to be a genuine interest (or at least a strong infatuation) where she kept telling me she loves me and tells all her friends about me and can't get enough of me.

Option 1 - It's Over
It seems like she doesn't have the balls to end it, but I don't think that's true unless I triggered her ignoring me by saying "i think you're ignoring me". That would be very harsh. But that wouldn't stop you from being interested all of a sudden, unless she has had doubts for a long time and my gut feeling was spot on. In which case, she's playing a really dangerous game with me and drip feeding me bits of positivity saying she's still interested while having no intention on following through. But that doesn't sound like her.

Option 2 - It's Something More Complicated That I Don't Understand
She has protested her innocence saying that she isn't ignoring me and she's just stressed and busy. She says she wants to sort it, she still loves me, still wants a relationship and (the few times) when she does text me, she's really nice about it. She's not cold or distant in her words, but her actions paint a story of someone who is pre-occupied with other things. But that doesn't explain how she can't make any time for me. That's not right at all.

There's some kind of emotional incongruence. Mouth says one thing, actions say another, and the trouble is, I don't have enough information behind the scenes to fill in the gaps.

Believe me though, im not texting her that often myself. Only a few times a week, and Im not keeping this open indefinitely.

For now I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and Im looking for positive explanations to make her actions tie up to her words. But as well as that, I need to go into damage limitation mode and put an end to this sooner rather than later. Im not jumping to conclusions, but Im also not going in with blind faith.

I still think I have nothing to lose by seeing our friend. If its over, it's over, but I may gain some useful insight.


Vincenzo: Im not clingy and I don't want my girlfriend to be clingy either. A happy medium would be nice, and someone who is polite. I don't want to track what they're doing all day, but it's nice for someone to make time when you text them (and I don't mean sending 20 texts a day). Sorry doesn't go amiss either, like "Sorry I missed your call, I was just out". It's nice to set boundaries early on instead of allowing everything and then getting pissed off with it when you decide you want to change only you haven't told anybody this.

[novocane]

THERE IS NO OPTION 2. Please listen to us. We are a neutral third party, we have no vested interest in your relationship except to give you sound advice. From what you are telling us, this is not a girl that is still interested or in love with you. She is telling you what you want to hear, to either let you down easy or in THE BEST CASE, to keep you around as a second fiddle if she gets lonely. This girl is walking all over you and probably having a laugh about how oblivious you are.

You are obviously not happy.. Please please please be smart and find someone who will talk to you more than twice a week and want to see you more often than once a month. There are plenty of them out there.