I love my girlfriend but I'm crushing more an more on another girl.

[Nai]

A short version for lazy people:
I'm 17 and in love with my girlfriend of 6 months although we do a have few problems with our relationship, most notably the fact that she is too scared to even kiss. I met another girl a couple of months ago. Liked her first and ended up developing quite strong feelings for her because her personality suits mine so well. What to do?

In depth version:
I'm an 17 year old guy and I have been going out with my girlfriend for 6 months. Her name is Lisa. I absolutely love her. I care for her more than I care for any other girl. The problem is though, I'm 90% sure she has avoidant personality disorder and because of this she has been extremely timid of any sexual side to our relationship. I mean ridiculously timid!! We have only kissed once in 6 months of being in a relationship for christ's sake! So as much as I love her, things are a bit difficult on me. I feel unwanted by her when she rejects kissing me but she assures me she wants to but she doesn’t know how she says.

Lisa is pretty much phobic of a physical side to our relationship. Keep in mind though, we are both in love (or so I think). I am one of the few people who has her full trust and she means so much to me! I’ve talked to her about how much it hurts me that she is too timid to do anything and she is currently changing. Opening up and getting rid of her damn personal bubble. She is getting better and better about this whole issue every time I see her! Although, I know that she will permanently be like this at least partially. I know for a fact she will always be quiet, reserved and will always be at least slightly timid of intimacy.

Anyway that's where my relationship with her is at. We would be able to work through all the problems and have at long term relationship yet I worry about her intimacy problems further down the lines. And then along came Mika…

Actually no, she didn’t just come along. She has been on my mind for the past month and a half in fact. When I first met her she was really fun to be with, made me feel great and had an overall personality which REALLY clicked with mine. We got along very very well as soon as I met her. We spend 1/3 of all my classes together now because we get on so well and we are in the same class for those 1/3. My feelings for her started out as “wow she is a really nice and happy person. I can’t believe how well we get on” and have slowly over a period of 2 months turned into “I like her a huge amount. I wish I could see what it would be like to be in a relationship with her because we get along so well”

So in the end I am stuck with this huge problem of what to do. I really can’t help but think that I would be much happier with this other girl. We just get along SO well. I don’t know how to describe it but our personalities are just so perfectly suited to each other (from what I can tell). Heck even my most trusted friend (girl) said that she thought there was something between me and Mika before I told her that I liked Mika. We just get on so well I can’t describe. Damn, I’m smiling just thinking of her.

The thing is, I care about my girlfriend sooooo much. I would feel absolutely terrible if I lost her. I know she needs me. I am really changing her. Helping her with her problems and other people have noticed the change in her! I can’t just leave her now! I know she loves me very very much but when I compare in my head my girlfriend and Mika, I just can’t help but notice how much better Mika and I get along. My girlfriend is a very very quiet and reserved person, unlike myself, where as Mika is out-going and fun to be with. Very talkative. A thing that bugs me about my girlfriend is that it seems any conversation I have with her is one sided. Like I’m doing all the work. Conversation doesn’t just flow as naturally as it does with Mika and I.

What I’m saying here is that I find it much easy to get along with Mika. We just click extremely well. Much better than my girlfriend and I. Although I’m in love with my girlfriend and she is in love with me. I find myself thinking about Mika as much as my girlfriend and I feel GUILTY!!! It almost feels like I’m cheating on my girlfriend! Like emotional cheating.

I feel horrible. Absolutely horrible but the thing is I couldn't control any of this at all! it just happened and there was nothing I could do about it. I'm find myself liking Mika more and more each day and trust me, I don't want it to be this way. I feel like total shit for this happening and it hurts me more than words that this could have happened. Honestly, this just made an already quite difficult situation into a situation which is leaving me extremely anxious, stressed and confused.

Anywho, if you managed to read to this point, you are a true legend! Thanks for taking the time to read all of that mess of my love life. I have most likely missed some key point but I have tried to write everything down I can think of. Now, my concerns:

Basically, my biggest concern is what if I make a mistake? The mistake would be passing up my dream girl whether it be Lisa or Mika.I can't help but think things with Mika and I would work better in the long run but I truly do love Lisa and it makes me all confused. I don't want to hurt Lisa but what if a few years down the track, I regret the decision I made now?


This post is a huge mess..... I really hope you can understand how confused I am. I'm sorry.

What am I meant to do?!

[Boisdevie]

If she has so much problems that even kissing is a problem then leave her. it really is that simple

[steviej]

There's no choice here, leave your current girlfriend. You're young, don't waste your time trying to repair damaged goods, go have fun!
Your girlfriend is her own person, it's not up to you to 'fix' her. Look after number 1, put yourself first!

[surfhb]

A short version for lazy people:
I'm 17 and in love with my girlfriend of 6 months although we do a have few problems with our relationship, most notably the fact that she is too scared to even kiss. I met another girl a couple of months ago. Liked her first and ended up developing quite strong feelings for her because her personality suits mine so well. What to do?

In depth version:
I'm an 17 year old guy and I have been going out with my girlfriend for 6 months. Her name is Lisa. I absolutely love her. I care for her more than I care for any other girl. The problem is though, I'm 90% sure she has avoidant personality disorder and because of this she has been extremely timid of any sexual side to our relationship. I mean ridiculously timid!! We have only kissed once in 6 months of being in a relationship for christ's sake! So as much as I love her, things are a bit difficult on me. I feel unwanted by her when she rejects kissing me but she assures me she wants to but she doesn’t know how she says.

Lisa is pretty much phobic of a physical side to our relationship. Keep in mind though, we are both in love (or so I think). I am one of the few people who has her full trust and she means so much to me! I’ve talked to her about how much it hurts me that she is too timid to do anything and she is currently changing. Opening up and getting rid of her damn personal bubble. She is getting better and better about this whole issue every time I see her! Although, I know that she will permanently be like this at least partially. I know for a fact she will always be quiet, reserved and will always be at least slightly timid of intimacy.

Anyway that's where my relationship with her is at. We would be able to work through all the problems and have at long term relationship yet I worry about her intimacy problems further down the lines. And then along came Mika…

Actually no, she didn’t just come along. She has been on my mind for the past month and a half in fact. When I first met her she was really fun to be with, made me feel great and had an overall personality which REALLY clicked with mine. We got along very very well as soon as I met her. We spend 1/3 of all my classes together now because we get on so well and we are in the same class for those 1/3. My feelings for her started out as “wow she is a really nice and happy person. I can’t believe how well we get on” and have slowly over a period of 2 months turned into “I like her a huge amount. I wish I could see what it would be like to be in a relationship with her because we get along so well”

So in the end I am stuck with this huge problem of what to do. I really can’t help but think that I would be much happier with this other girl. We just get along SO well. I don’t know how to describe it but our personalities are just so perfectly suited to each other (from what I can tell). Heck even my most trusted friend (girl) said that she thought there was something between me and Mika before I told her that I liked Mika. We just get on so well I can’t describe. Damn, I’m smiling just thinking of her.

The thing is, I care about my girlfriend sooooo much. I would feel absolutely terrible if I lost her. I know she needs me. I am really changing her. Helping her with her problems and other people have noticed the change in her! I can’t just leave her now! I know she loves me very very much but when I compare in my head my girlfriend and Mika, I just can’t help but notice how much better Mika and I get along. My girlfriend is a very very quiet and reserved person, unlike myself, where as Mika is out-going and fun to be with. Very talkative. A thing that bugs me about my girlfriend is that it seems any conversation I have with her is one sided. Like I’m doing all the work. Conversation doesn’t just flow as naturally as it does with Mika and I.

What I’m saying here is that I find it much easy to get along with Mika. We just click extremely well. Much better than my girlfriend and I. Although I’m in love with my girlfriend and she is in love with me. I find myself thinking about Mika as much as my girlfriend and I feel GUILTY!!! It almost feels like I’m cheating on my girlfriend! Like emotional cheating.

I feel horrible. Absolutely horrible but the thing is I couldn't control any of this at all! it just happened and there was nothing I could do about it. I'm find myself liking Mika more and more each day and trust me, I don't want it to be this way. I feel like total shit for this happening and it hurts me more than words that this could have happened. Honestly, this just made an already quite difficult situation into a situation which is leaving me extremely anxious, stressed and confused.

Anywho, if you managed to read to this point, you are a true legend! Thanks for taking the time to read all of that mess of my love life. I have most likely missed some key point but I have tried to write everything down I can think of. Now, my concerns:

Basically, my biggest concern is what if I make a mistake? The mistake would be passing up my dream girl whether it be Lisa or Mika.I can't help but think things with Mika and I would work better in the long run but I truly do love Lisa and it makes me all confused. I don't want to hurt Lisa but what if a few years down the track, I regret the decision I made now?


This post is a huge mess..... I really hope you can understand how confused I am. I'm sorry.

What am I meant to do?!

You probably won't believe me, but you won't even remember this girls name in 10 years. Move on!

[Steve_M]

In depth version:
I'm an 17 year old guy and I have been going out with my girlfriend for 6 months. Her name is Lisa. I absolutely love her. I care for her more than I care for any other girl. The problem is though, I'm 90% sure she has avoidant personality disorder and because of this she has been extremely timid of any sexual side to our relationship. I mean ridiculously timid!! We have only kissed once in 6 months of being in a relationship for christ's sake! So as much as I love her, things are a bit difficult on me. I feel unwanted by her when she rejects kissing me but she assures me she wants to but she doesn’t know how she says.

Lisa is pretty much phobic of a physical side to our relationship. Keep in mind though, we are both in love (or so I think). I am one of the few people who has her full trust and she means so much to me! I’ve talked to her about how much it hurts me that she is too timid to do anything and she is currently changing. Opening up and getting rid of her damn personal bubble. She is getting better and better about this whole issue every time I see her! Although, I know that she will permanently be like this at least partially. I know for a fact she will always be quiet, reserved and will always be at least slightly timid of intimacy.

Anyway that's where my relationship with her is at. We would be able to work through all the problems and have at long term relationship yet I worry about her intimacy problems further down the lines. And then along came Mika…

Actually no, she didn’t just come along. She has been on my mind for the past month and a half in fact. When I first met her she was really fun to be with, made me feel great and had an overall personality which REALLY clicked with mine. We got along very very well as soon as I met her. We spend 1/3 of all my classes together now because we get on so well and we are in the same class for those 1/3. My feelings for her started out as “wow she is a really nice and happy person. I can’t believe how well we get on” and have slowly over a period of 2 months turned into “I like her a huge amount. I wish I could see what it would be like to be in a relationship with her because we get along so well”

So in the end I am stuck with this huge problem of what to do. I really can’t help but think that I would be much happier with this other girl. We just get along SO well. I don’t know how to describe it but our personalities are just so perfectly suited to each other (from what I can tell). Heck even my most trusted friend (girl) said that she thought there was something between me and Mika before I told her that I liked Mika. We just get on so well I can’t describe. Damn, I’m smiling just thinking of her.

The thing is, I care about my girlfriend sooooo much. I would feel absolutely terrible if I lost her. I know she needs me. I am really changing her. Helping her with her problems and other people have noticed the change in her! I can’t just leave her now! I know she loves me very very much but when I compare in my head my girlfriend and Mika, I just can’t help but notice how much better Mika and I get along. My girlfriend is a very very quiet and reserved person, unlike myself, where as Mika is out-going and fun to be with. Very talkative. A thing that bugs me about my girlfriend is that it seems any conversation I have with her is one sided. Like I’m doing all the work. Conversation doesn’t just flow as naturally as it does with Mika and I.

What I’m saying here is that I find it much easy to get along with Mika. We just click extremely well. Much better than my girlfriend and I. Although I’m in love with my girlfriend and she is in love with me. I find myself thinking about Mika as much as my girlfriend and I feel GUILTY!!! It almost feels like I’m cheating on my girlfriend! Like emotional cheating.

I feel horrible. Absolutely horrible but the thing is I couldn't control any of this at all! it just happened and there was nothing I could do about it. I'm find myself liking Mika more and more each day and trust me, I don't want it to be this way. I feel like total shit for this happening and it hurts me more than words that this could have happened. Honestly, this just made an already quite difficult situation into a situation which is leaving me extremely anxious, stressed and confused.

Anywho, if you managed to read to this point, you are a true legend! Thanks for taking the time to read all of that mess of my love life. I have most likely missed some key point but I have tried to write everything down I can think of. Now, my concerns:

Basically, my biggest concern is what if I make a mistake? The mistake would be passing up my dream girl whether it be Lisa or Mika.I can't help but think things with Mika and I would work better in the long run but I truly do love Lisa and it makes me all confused. I don't want to hurt Lisa but what if a few years down the track, I regret the decision I made now?


This post is a huge mess..... I really hope you can understand how confused I am. I'm sorry.

What am I meant to do?!

Hey man. Am completely feeling the same thing you are at the moment. The difference is, it's more difficult for me because I am married, so have to cap my feelings for the other girl.

The way you have described Mika is what your true love should be, You need to go with it, before you go too far with Lisa and find it impossible to leave her. Don't find yourself looking back. Ever.

The fact your are having these guilt feelings is a good thing, means you're not a total bastard. I'm sure others on this board are probably thinking you are because you have emotionally cheated on her. You can't help what feelings you have though, I get that. You need to stop the relationship with Lisa though. Perhaps she will find someone who is happier waiting for sexual kind of things.

Good luck buddy.

[Capricorn2112]

You know what you want. You want Mika. It's not often in life that you find someone so compatible with you. You could have a lot of fun with this girl, and could be very happy not having to help FIX her, you can just enjoy her. You are not obligated to fix this girl... you should do what makes you happy. You've found someone who would make a great partner for you, and you'll probably regret if you give that opportunity up for someone who it's obviously not going to work out with. Simply, if you were happy with Lisa, you wouldn't dream of Mika. I bet if you were with Mika, you would be happy, and not dreaming of Lisa. Your 'love' for her is probably just feeings of caring for her... you care what happens to her, and about her feelings, but I do not believe that you 'love' her.

When I was your age I was a bit weird about being physical also. It kept me from dating some guys who I shouldn't (as they wanted an easy girl), but it also went away as soon as I dated a guy who I wanted to change for. And it didn't take much effort... I just needed to acknowledge that I'm with someone who truly cares about me, and that there was nothing to be afraid of. So Lisa probably has some deeper issues that you may not even be able to touch.

I'd say your answer is simple.. think about YOUSELF and what will make you happiest.

[Pilotdxb]

Assuming you do the unthinkable and stay with lisa, how are you going to deal with physical intimacy other than kissing in the future? Are you going to remain chaste so long as youre with her? Nip this problem In the bud now.

[davedlt]

I'm gonna give you a sort of complicated reply, but that is so I can give you a principle which might end up being useful for you a lot of times.

With the confusion, you have feelings for both girls and you don't know which ones to go with, and then there are negative consequences both ways.

The reason the confusion is there is because you haven't allowed yourself to have the feelings for Mika. They have kind of built up and you are feeling guilty about them because it is like cheating on your girlfriend.

The thing with these feelings, and this is the principle, is that when you let them all fully have their say, the 'real' ones will grow, while the 'not so real' ones will die. And then you won't have the confusion anymore.

So if you don't feel guilty about your feelings for Mika and let your feelings just have their say, they will either grow or die and you will know whether to be with her or Lisa and there will be no more confusion. It is the guilt around believing that having feelings for Mika is emotionally cheating on Lisa which is making the confusion persist. Let your mind know that is is ok to have the feelings for Mika, it is ok to have the feelings for Lisa, it is ok to not like this, it is ok to like that, etc, and when you do that, you let your all your feelings go free, you will find some feelings will grow while others will die and you will have one right answer and you will feel good about it. But letting them all go free with no guilt is the key to making this happen.

Good luck with it. If you get the principle it will help you in a lot of confusing situations.

[Cerby]

Its not your place to fix Lisa, and she is a prude.

Its one thing to have a gf that you kiss but wants to wait to sleep with you, its completely another that won't give you anything at all. Go for Mika, you're young and you'll be happier.

[Nai]

To everyone who replied to this thread, thank you very very very much . You honestly don't know how much I appreciate it! I would like to give big thanks to davedlt and Capricorn2112.

I'm going to see her this weekend and I plan to have a BIG talk about her issues and my concerns and worries about them. I'm not going to mention anything about Mika (yet?) and yea. I know most of you think I should end it now so I have a big decision to make and I have a fleeting suspicion I wont be able to break up with her but I now know for a fact that I will certainly end it if these types of things continue with us. Maybe it would be better just to end it now... Ohhh I don't know.

Anyway MUCH thanks for the help

[HeartIsAching]

Lisa won't even kiss you... She's not really a girlfriend, is she? She's more of a female companion.