New here and I need opinions and advice

[Mcmg]

Hello everyone, I have decided to register for an account here with the hopes of getting some advice or opinions on the situation I am in.
First of all, I am going to try to just sum it all up. At least the part that I think matters the most to me right now.
I am in a 2 1/2 year relationship with my fiance. We have a daughter together.
In almost every relationship I have had in the past I have pretty much ruined by allowing myself to be taken for granted. I am a controlling person in the sense that I like (not consciously) things to be my way.
This is a terrible thing in a relationship because I tend to try to control the people I am with. I get very insecure and jealous. It isn't how I want to be. I want to be able to be in a healthy relationship the kind where we both have our space and are able to be ourselves without having to worry about the other breathing down our throats or making us feel uncomfortable by being ourselves. The problem is, is that I have boosted his self confidence by being insecure and jealous and in the process have gotten myself in this horrible depressing rut because my whole life is consumed by what is he doing, who is he talking to, where'd he really go, things like that. I don't know if too much damage has been done by my being this way, or if the damage with a lot of changing could be repaired.
This is eating at me and I don't know what to do, how to be different, how to just relax and be happy.
My life is perfect and I'm happy but this is the one thing holding me back. I want to feel good and be able to be happy without worrying myself twenty four hours a day about him.
Do you believe that this type of damage can be fixed? if so, how?
Also, any suggestions on how to change? I've gone to so many counselors and I just feel like they never conclude with anything. I suppose it's their job to keep me coming, but really I need some answers. Thank you.

[Renwo]

What makes you think he is doing something wrong for you to be insecure and controlling?

[Mcmg]

It isn't him and it isn't the relationship and it hasn't been the people in the past. It's me.
I am a very strong person and independent. But, for some reason when I am in a relationship I lose that part of myself. I feel as though I just lose control and sight of everything that is and should be important and give everything I have to that person. It isn't fun. I can't relax ever. And it ends up putting me in a situation where I am taken for granted.

[MaidenMinx]

May I ask how old your daughter is?

I am irrationally insecure also and my husband didn't help that by fibbing to me early on in the relationship. He was also full time hospitality at the time and his night finishing after midnight was not uncommon so there were many nights of me sitting awake til the wee hours wondering if he really was at work or not.

This has taken a lot of work from both of us to get over. I have had to accept that my insecurity is based in an irrational belief that everyone will find a reason to leave me eventually. This belief was not so irrational as a child and I am still trying to stop it from taking over my life. Each day I am a little better.

My husband has also had to accept that working 80 hours a week is not a rational thing for a man with a wife and an autistic son to do. He's found himself a nice office job during the day but also works a few nights a week in a friends restaurant simply because he loves hospitality. This restaurant is much quieter than a lot of the restaurants he has worked at so even on NYE he is home by midnight. We've finally found a balance that works for us. It wasn't easy. The first 4 years we were together we fought a lot, often when drunk and often rather horribly. We've not had a major blow up at each other in 2 years. We still have disagreements but we discuss them now rather than wait til we're drunk and abuse each other at 2 am.

You can get through it. It takes a lot of work, but you will get there.

[abn25]

The simple fact that you notice this in yourself is a great place to start. I think we all tend to get a bit absorbed in the other person especially if things are going well, then you almost sabotage it. If there are no real problems except for how you feel and your self worth, just take some time for yourself and really focus on what makes you happy no matter what happens. He is your fiance right? You have a child together right? Be grateful for everything everyday.

[Mcmg]

thank you for replying to my post.
Our daughter is 18 months. the relationship happened really fast from the start. I ended up having her at 6 months pregnant (24 weeks) it added a lot of stress to our relationship. I wonder how in the world I, like you can identify that these things are irrational, also they put us in the passenger seat and take any and all balance out of the situation. It's as if we aren't already vulnerable enough from our pasts, that we ourselves make the situation worse by feeding our feelings. I know that these feelings are irrational, but what really makes it worse is that I have been this way in this relationship for so long that I don't know how to reverse things. I want him to respect me and treat me like it. But, right now he doesn't because he has seen me be insecure and cry, beg, act desperate, not want him to leave my side, ask him detailed questions about every little thing he does.
anyhow, thank you for the reply and if you can give me any pointers I'd really appreciate it.

[Mcmg]

thank you, this is very wise advice and much appreciated. that's just it, I want to be able to just relax and enjoy having someone in my life.
When I think about my life, I feel as though everything about it is perfect apart from the day to day things we all have that the worse thing is that I can't seem to get a grip on my insecurity.
Thanks again

[cologne]

One of the things that causes jealousy and insecurity is when one does not normally see good in his or herself.There is always that nagging thougt you might never find another person better than him if he walks out of your life or that he might find someone better than you.First and foremost,you have to revive your self esteem;you have to see good in your self.

Secondly, you have to really look back and deep into your self to know where all these insecurities originated from for there is a saying "that is there is no smoke without fire".Do an introspection even out side the confines of your relationships.Did you grow up in a family where u were always being cheated or lied to?Or even friends who do same to you?Since you said the boy is not the problem;he hasnt given you reasons to be insecured,then those are areas and a host of others you might want to reflect on to know what might be the source of you insecurities.I hope this helps

[MaidenMinx]

Oh hun! Your story sounds so much like mine!

My man and I had only been together 8 months when I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. It blew us out of the water. Then our son was born at 34 weeks. He spent 11.5 weeks in hospital, was 6 months old when he came off the O2 and 12 months old when he came of the feeding tube. It was a rough time. I can't tell you how many nights I spent at home seething with anger at the unfairness of it all that he could still do things and I was stuck home. We fought like cats and dogs for a long time.

One thing that really helped me was finally finding a good counsellor. One of the very first things I told him was that I had been to many many counsellors that had gotten me no where. I told him my biggest problem that I was very self analytical and I was able to dazzle counsellors with apparent bursts of insight that didn't really get me anywhere. He was excellent. He actually got me realising that 90% of my problems were based in expectation. (eg. One of the things I bitched about frequently was my partners apparent inability to take the rubbish out. I reasoned he knew it was his job, he could see it as well as I could, why could he not just take it out when it was full. Then my therapist asked if my husband had ever shown that he was prone to taking the rubbish out without prompting? To which I had to respond no. He then told me it was my expectation leading to my frustration not my husband. It was quite the eye opener, but saddening also. I then asked if I was to put up with having to take out the rubbish for the rest of my life. I was told I could do that, or I could accept that my husband is willing to do it, he just needs reminding.) He also taught me about the power of perspective and how much drama I was causing for myself by choosing to look at everything from the negative. It was a painful realisation, but once I discovered that I could switch my mind out of the negative if I choose it was like a light turned on in my brain. I'm not going to say it easy but it is so worth it.

When it comes to your insecurity, you have to decide if it is rational or not. If it is the irrational kind you need to learn to ignore it and by ignoring it you slowly rob it of it's power to overwhelm you and consume your thoughts. Every time I have the silly irrational thought jump into my head of "He's late home tonight! Maybe he's not at work..." I stop it there. I push it back with "he loves me. He proves it all the time. He would never risk our sons happiness like that" These thoughts I breed in the quiet times. I choose to spend time each day thinking about how much my husband and I love each other. How we make each other happy. What we have in common. By choosing to take this time, it makes the negative thoughts less automatic. I still have anxiety, but it's rarely linked to my relationship (unless I screw the budget for a fortnight :p ).

[Mcmg]

thank you, I am so glad I decided to come to this forum. You have given me a lot of good advice. I know you are right about the self esteem part of all of this. I had a horrible upbringing. I know that a lot of my adult life's problems have evolved from that, HOWEVER, I do not want to keep allowing this to rule my life. I want to be able to have a happy life and I know that I deserve that. I have been wonderful to my fiance', am a wonderful mother, and have given him no reason to not be good to me or to not love me. I know that it's me because this isn't the first time that I have found myself in this position. I must work on me and I guess that at this point it's the only option and just take a chance on how things might turn out. Regardless, I have to make this decision to change I do not want my daughters to grow up having these same qualities.
The funny thing is, is that when I first met him he was every bit, if not more insecure then me. Somehow, my insecurities have helped him with his. I believe it is because he knows that I love him so much and am more worried about him than myself. It's not his fault, but I'm certain this is how it is.
Thanks again

[Mcmg]

I am happy to hear that you have been able to get yourself to a place where you can be happy. I have seen so many counselors but it seems like they don't do anything for me. I get frustrated because I want answers, conclusions, help but they all seem to keep me running in circles.
I hope your son is doing good.
Our daughter is growing up good. She is the best thing ever, she was in the NICU for 4 of the longest months of my life. And I, like you found myself frustrated at how I was the one doing everything, enduring all of the pain and yet I still have the pain from everything else in addition. But, the most important thing is that we made it through.
Thanks again

[MaidenMinx]

I am so glad to hear your daughter is doing well. You and your fiance have made it through something that most couples never have to go through and that builds a bond that can't be undone. Maybe you need to focus on that positive more.

Keep looking for a good counsellor. None will have magic answers, though some are so good they seem to. Finding a good counsellor is like finding a good partner. You have to work your way through a few crap options before you find a match.

[KelE]

I agree with focusing on the positive. It seems like you have gone thru a lot in your life and with your relationship, but you did get through it. Try to figure out something that your husband does that makes you feel safe and secure opposite of when you feel insecure. Something he is able to do and still function w/work and other responsibilities and ask him to do that more often. Try not to focus on the things he can't come through on.