Need some advice on situation

[chillingsr]

Let me give a little background info:

Before we started dated we worked together for 8 years. She went to work for another company and we always stayed in contact as friends. Never anything between us when we worked together because we were always with other people. She is 33 and I am 29. We started talking in October and really hit it off. Saw each other about 3-4 times a week and everything was great. She has a 3 1/2 year old and I get along with him great. She has 50/50 custody.

We both decided to have an emotional relationship before a physical relationship. Talked about what issues were in past relationships and what we were both looking for. There was physical intimacy and we did sleep together a few times in December. She was definitely scared. She hadn't been with anyone in over a year and a half. That caused her to pull a way a little, but everything went back to normal.

Now here is the issue, for the last month or so, she has been distant and pulling away. We were stills spending time together and spending the night with each other, but her affection started lacking. Finally about 3 weeks ago I brought it up and it turned into our real first big argument. In the heat of the argument I made it sound like, show affection or get out. That made her put up a wall and pull away more. Basically she wanted less affection from me, almost like I was smothering her. Our communication is definitely lacking. There is a major disconnect between us. The past 3 weeks have been terrible between us. She's been stressed at work and she had family visiting this past week which added more stress. Haven't really had time to discuss our relationship and that has caused arguments this past week. I still spent time visiting family with her, but she felt stressed because she didn't want to have to worry about what was going on with me. I know the relationship she had with her son's father was definitely not healthy and he was physical at times. Today was our final argument. I have no idea where we stand. She doesn't want to break up, but I know she needs her space. I'm not sure where to go from here.

[JennaBella]

Hi Chillgsr
I'm not sure that anyone should take advice from me as I have made a lot of mistakes myself! But here goes anyway.... She sounds like she still hang ups from her previous relationship that she hasn't let go of and she is allowing to affect her life and relationships after. Maybe she simply isn't ready for a full on new relationship, or maybe just not with you. Sorry if that's harsh, I don't mean it to be. Maybe you ought to cool off the confrontation and although it goes against what you want, pull back from her and tell her she can have space, she knows where you are but you won't contact her. If you google No Contact Rule you'll find a ton of advice on ways to deal with what you're going through. There is a lot of good advice out there if you spend time looking for it. Someone said to me recently that you don't miss the water till the well runs dry. Give her space, see if she misses you. If she doesn't.... Well that's your answer! But she might realise she's lost someone great and fight for you. Either way you'll know finally where you stand. Good luck

[devonbrown]

She said she wants space, so give it to her. If she is going through a lot of stress with work and family, be understanding about it and stop pushing her about your relationship. That does exactly what you said, makes her retreat and put up walls. And justifiably so. You are supposed to be a relaxation for her. Someone she can talk to and not worry about. How you are handling this makes you seem like a needy person, and maybe she can't handle that right now.

Basically, try to see things from her perspective and back it up a bit. Be less selfish and try to be more understanding.

Good luck.

[therealdeal]

In many respects, I agree with what both writers have written. We all have a past and we all have baggage. It’s about how we all deal with our own baggage that determines the future relationships. Maybe she is not at the spot where she is ready to handle the type of relationship she thought she wanted. Or maybe she is and needs some space.

From the sounds of it, while she may not be able to verbalize, for whatever reason, that she needs space; her actions are screaming it.
Give her space, but do so in way that is gentle and in a clear way that lets her know, without suffocating her, that you still care about her and you want to support her in this process.

I do not believe that relationships can survive without clear and honest communication. Sometimes we have to be creative and open in the ways we communicate. Perhaps send her a card with a short letter stating that you care and that you want to be supportive of her wishes by giving her space. This lets her know that you aren't abandoning her or giving up on your relationship but that you are respecting her wishes and that you are trying to put yourself in her shoes... that you care. You are keeping the lines of communication open and making this disconnect no longer - but in a communicative manner that she will be able to handle and process. That is all you can do. Be patient and even if they are not the results you want, you will eventually know how she feels. You can’t force a situation or feelings that aren’t there. The next step is up to her, but at the very least, she cannot state she did not know where you stood.

[chillingsr]

Just wanted to update:

I didn't talk to her for 4 days and on Friday night, she texted me asking me to come over to her sisters house. I was already out with a few buddies, so I politely declined. On Saturday her family that was visiting finally left and she was able to go back to her house and get settled. That night she asked if I wanted to go out with her and her friend. We all went out and had a pretty good time.

Last night, we made dinner at her house and I stayed the night. Its still a little awkward between us because there is no affection and no kissing right now. Trying to keep the lines of communication open. I'm just giving it time and not pushing any issues right now. I hope things start turning back around and we can move past this.