A bit confused... need some opinions

[unknownguy]

Alright, forums and advice and all of that usually isn't "my cup of tea." However, I am a bit too embarrassed to speak about this with the people I am close with so I figured why not ask people that don't know me!

Here's my situation:

8 Months ago me and my girlfriend of 4, almost 5, years broke up. She was my "college sweetheart" I suppose. In college things were amazing. I loved my time with her, loved it so much I isolated myself from my friends for awhile there. Things after graduation got bad, very bad. We didn't see each other as much, she seemed to resent me at times because I was working in the field I set out to be in while she was struggling to find employment. Long story short, the last 6 months of our relationship was god awful. Blow up fight after blow up fight. One night specifically she hit me, over and over again, got in my face like she really wanted to get in a fist fight with me (all over furniture mind you). It was absolutely insane. So after about anywhere from 5-10 slaps/punches in the face, I pushed her off of my on to a bed. She's very small, I did not hurt her and it was onto a freaking bed! She starts yelling calling me abusive, and I broke up with her right there and left. After a day of sleeping off the anger and tending to my wounds I decide to call her and talk things out, I love her so why wouldn't I, right? Well, she wasn't having it, and the break up stuck.

For about 2 months after that I tried desperately to get her back. Nothing worked. Nothing I said or did matter. She was just done with me. I was completely depressed, as anyone would be. I had planned on being with this girl forever, and it seemed my whole life collapsed around me. It wasn't until I discovered she slept with someone else that I just cut off all communication.

That "set me free." I regained my confidence, lost some weight I had from the countless nights of watching TV with this girl, and became really social again.

Since that time, I met someone else. Have been with her for 6 months, and she is amazing and perfect for me. I love her, I love her in a way that I did not know really existed if that makes sense. Just for the record, no she is not a rebound. I honestly think I am meant to be with her.

This is the problem, every now and then, more recently as of late. I think of my ex. And I feel completely cheated, that so much of my life and time was wasted on nothing. Memories are constantly occuring and there is nothing I can do about it. Do I still love her?? Yes. But the her I love does not exist anymore. I know it is odd, I am madly in love with me current gf and still love my ex. I just don't really know what to do. Like I said, I feel cheated, angry and so on.

How am I supposed to deal with this. I want nothing to do with speaking to her because I feel completely betrayed and to be honest she is just not a good person anymore. But the thoughts won't go away. If I had some device that could erase any trace of a memory from her I would do it, but I don't. I don't want to be with her again, and want nothing to do with leaving my current gf to "find myself." So I am left at your disposal. Maybe I just needed to get it off my chest?

Thanks in advanced for your responses.

[Wakeup]

Well, I think you need to change your mindset about those 5 years. Why would you feel cheated? Afterall you enjoyed one another as companions and sexual partners for your college years which kept you absolutely from contacting some STI/STD from a random at college.

It was fine while it lasted and it was meant to teach you something. If you can figure out the lesson then none of it was a waste of time and no reason there to regret a thing.

It's done. All relationships end either from circumstance or death. This one ended due to circumstance. Time to put it to bed and concentrate on the possibility of the new relationship being a life-time one.

Good luck.

[unknownguy]

Even though I absolutely know everything you say is correct, I cannot get myself to feel that way. And honestly, I cannot find a lesson in this. However, I really appreciate the response!

[Wakeup]

I don't even know you and I can see one lesson that you should have learned from your college relationship, that being that you'll never again isolate yourself from friends and family in the name of love. No matter how much you think it so, not you nor your partner can be EVERYTHING for one another. We need other people in our "pack" to help us with comradship and conversation and variety. We need to be interesting to keep someone else interested.

Another thing: You will never remain in a relationship where your partner feels it's quite fine to physically abuse you. And ... that being desperate and trying to make someone come back to you is not a very good idea. That if someone is running away from you then the last thing you should do is to chase them. Let them run and if they want you, they'll turn around and come back. Anything else you're forcing the matter and you can't make someone love you.

Theres three life lessons that are blatant. I'm sure theres more in there that you've not shared.

[ctr916]

Could it be that she may have known you were going to find out about the cheating and created the drama to test your reaction? In my opinion, you should now know better than to "requite" a woman who may be getting physical with you. Some guys in the US have not been as lucky.

[IncognitoSir]

Could it be that she may have known you were going to find out about the cheating and created the drama to test your reaction? In my opinion, you should now know better than to "requite" a woman who may be getting physical with you. Some guys in the US have not been as lucky.

Yeah, I feel like the fighting has something to do with that also. She served her purpose in your life man, now she's out of their. You're with the one you should be with. Of course the memories come back to you from time to time, you spent some very important years of growth and maturity with that chick. Now take all that you've learned and apply it to your new girl. Love your new girl like you learned something from your past. You didn't get cheated, you just learned a WHOLE lot!

[kageri]

It's not odd. It's normal. Relationships end and sometimes they were a waste of time but most of the time even the bad ones taught you something useful to make the good ones even better. Very few people manage to get it right the first time out and most have to be dumped and do the dumping a few times to learn how to find and maintain a healthy relationship. It's a requirement while growing up. Remembering the good parts of a relationship and still caring about people you broke up with is not abnormal either. It is entirely possible to love more than one person. Just maybe not all on the same level and sometimes even if you love someone things don't work out for some reason. If you are healthy, well adjusted person you don't spend your life alone because you love someone you can't have. You keep the feelings but don't act on them while finding someone else you can love and make a life with.

The only thing I don't understand is why people spend months trying to get back together in situations like this. I don't care if it's the male or the female of the relationship making these posts, abusive relationships go both ways. If someone gets physical with you it's time to get out because they just proved they don't care about you anywhere near as much as you care about them, they are not a good person or a healthy relationship, and they will probably do it again in the future.

[unknownguy]

Thanks all.

[HeartIsAching]

I don't even know you and I can see one lesson that you should have learned from your college relationship, that being that you'll never again isolate yourself from friends and family in the name of love. No matter how much you think it so, not you nor your partner can be EVERYTHING for one another. We need other people in our "pack" to help us with comradship and conversation and variety. We need to be interesting to keep someone else interested.

Another thing: You will never remain in a relationship where your partner feels it's quite fine to physically abuse you. And ... that being desperate and trying to make someone come back to you is not a very good idea. That if someone is running away from you then the last thing you should do is to chase them. Let them run and if they want you, they'll turn around and come back. Anything else you're forcing the matter and you can't make someone love you.

Theres three life lessons that are blatant. I'm sure theres more in there that you've not shared.

And never never never put up with abuse. Nor should you answer abuse with abuse. The correct response is to call the cops and let them deal with her.

You say the person you loved no longer exists - guess what? She never did. You had an idea, an image of who you THOUGHT she was, and eventually the reality of who she REALLY was intruded, becoming apparent enough that you could no longer ignore it. This is what happens when you have unrealistic expectations. I'm not saying this is your fault, just that it's something you should watch for in the future.