This is bugging me, female perspective please

[Horseyguy]

Bit of a moot point seeing as I ended it back in May but I'm trying to let go of the ex and I keep struggling with this. So please don;t just respond it's over so forget it because I already know that but I just want to make some sense of this.

When I broke up with her it was because I found out she had a dating profile live for the last 3 months we were together. We were together close to 18 Months but things had hit a rough patch.

When I asked her why she had done it, she said because things were difficult between us at the time and she then said she just didn't have that feeling of being in love. She had felt it before but she doesn't feel it now and hasn't really since we were together. She was desperately trying to find it because she did want to be with me.

Anyway she sent me a letter the following week saying that she did love me but just didn't have that feeling of being in love.

So my question is I guess.

How can you love someone, or say that you love someone without ever having the feeling of being in love with them.

Logic say's to me you would have to have fallen in love with them in the first place to be able to love them.

Or is this a chick thing because I don't understand how she can say she loved me but never had the feeling of being in love, doesn't make sense. I can understand her saying she was in love with but her feelings changed but that's different. She is saying she never felt it. But she still loved me.

She had plenty of opportunity to let me go if she wasn't feeling in love with me, I even asked her back in January to let me go but she said she did want to be with me and for the relationship to continue because she loved me (Ok I figured that was just to keep me on the hook) but even now she still wants to keep in touch with me and I don't understand why.

Would appreciate your thoughts

[Wakeup]

Has it ever crossed your mind that she's not right in the head? That would explain everything.

I think you're ex might mistake lust for love and when the honeymoon period wore off (which it will in every relationship) she thought that stuuuupid thought ~ "I love you, I'm just not in love with you."

I wonder if she's been in many relationships?

She likely still wants to keep in touch with you because she doesn't have clue about healing and allowing someone to heal and so in her failure to understand she just bounces along in the status quo being self-absorbed and clueless to your state of mind.

*shrugs* I'm going with she's not right in the head.

[pisces25]

I too think she is confusing lust and love. All those gooey, chemically-induced feelings that arise when someone really does it for us on a primal level compared to the deeper connection of love. To her being in love is probably the former. And the love she felt for you was more that she liked your company, respected you, felt an emotional and/or intellectual connection with you but never felt 'dizzy' with love which is really just lust.

[MaidenMinx]

I agree with everything that has been said so far.

There is also the other possibility that she loves certain traits about you when you guys got together and had hoped that that would grow into falling in love with you.

I think the lust thing is more likely though.

[HeartIsAching]

I don't know that I'd call the Honeymoon Phase "lust" or at least, not just lust - but it does wear off.

Other than that, I agree with what the other posters are saying - she's gotten past the honeymoon phase and misses that feeling. She's self-absorbed and selfish, and won't let you alone to heal.

[Horseyguy]

Has it ever crossed your mind that she's not right in the head? That would explain everything.

Often

I just don't understand why she wanted to stay with me. She told me she never had that feeling of being in love but when I ended it she was totally gutted

We have had a couple of text convo's since we broke up where she has said when she is in a better space than she is now she would like to try again or she hasn't totally given up hope that we will get back together etc

I just don't get it. If I broke up with someone I wasn't in love with and never was for the 17 months we were together I wouldn't try again, what would be the point. If you don't feel it after all that time it's not going to happen when you put the bagage of a break in to the mix as well.

Oh well as I said it's a moot point, just wanted to try and make some sense out of it but really it doesn't matter.

I reckon she just said that as justification for me catching her on the dating site and dumping her. All her behaviour and everything she has said since makes me think that's crap.

Oh well, moving on .... I start on my Masters next Monday

That's a perfect distraction

[Cinnabella]

I guess she is confusing, but to be honest can lust last that long? Normally honeymoon would last maximum 6 months To Me as I had experient this. With my 2nd I was all lovey dovey and thought it was Love at the start until I hit 6 months point and started to miss my first bf, and I realise that I didn't love him at all. Therefore, ending with him was the easiest thing I had done and no feelings of regreting or whatever after that, we kept in touch for a little while till he hated me and disappear lol, he rarely cross my mind along the years, I simply didn't love him to even drop a tear for our break up...

I gave you an example of false love. Your ex doesn't sound like didn't love you at all, she might be so stress and during stress maybe ppl can do stupid things. That said that dating profile crossed the line and she should never do thag because it's considered as cheat on her mind. I wouldn't say she only has lust for you if she was hurting when yu guys broke up.