Help me understand what this girl wanted if possible

[r4mbo]

I'm a very shy and quiet guy and got approached by a girl at a party.she told my friend I looked a "bit of alright" I thought she was seriously hot. The following weekend I saw her again at another party. All comes to all "she asked me" for my number. During the next week she actually asked me on a date to the cinema. Yep, girl doing all the chasing!

The first times I saw her she came across (and said) she was paranoid that I didn't like her. I put this
down to my shyness and her not understanding that just because I was a little quiet did not mean I was not interested.
Shyness can come across as stuck up to some people right?

Anyway "she asked if she could kiss me!" on the first date, by the 2nd/3rd dates I was invited to hers and we had some very nice time cuddling and kissing. She was very full on, her hands always over me, asking me to massage her and stuff. She also hinted about me sleeping with her which I just kind of ignored as I said I wanted to wait. When I was about to go home multiple times I got told to stay with her but each time I left. One time She told me I should leave before she did something naughty because I was hard to resist. Couple of dates later down the line and we have moved up to her bedroom, we spent hours just kissing and stuff, one point she got very excited and asked me again if I still wanted to wait for sex to which I replied yes. She got it out of me that I was still a virgin but she didn't seemed bothered by it and was happy that I was honest with her.

While all of this went on in the mean time we used to text a lot, she would tell me she was really happy to see me and she had feelings for me, cared for me etc. I received naughty/flirty texts too and random things like she wishes I was in her bed. She told me she liked the fact I wasn't like other guys and always told me she really liked me. (obviously I always told her my feelings to)
Anyway eventually she ends it out of the blue. At the time all I had done was said she was a little harsh to not let me see her one weekend. She told me that was pressure and then the reason for finishing was she didn't think we clicked.
With her it was always a case of I could see her when "she said" and if I asked she was always busy with friends or wanting a "me evening" as she put it.

Was this girl on a rebound?? Was she just looking for sex?? she had a relationship about 6 months ago. Clearly we were both very much physically attracted to each other. One evening after a talk about some stuff (she had been asking if I wanted to end it?? ) I received texts saying she was sorry that she hurt me and she had strong feelings for me and maybe she was just insecure. Another funny one was "I've not had a relationship in a while and I don't seem to be good at it, I just want to make you happy and not hurt you"
When I used to be with her if I was sat quiet for a bit scared to make a move she would look frustrated and moody. The instant I put my arm around her/kissed her she went all lovey dovey and started kissing me saying how cute I was, tbh the mood swings were extreme. Did I just come across as wanting something more serious and maybe she was just looking for fun and something very casual?? Did I mess up by not staying over (sex or not, just to stay there).

She always showed signs of being insecure and paranoid to me.
The last text I received from her was saying that she didn't want to pursue it any further and "nothing" would change her mind about it. - bit of a sudden switch from wanting me in her bed just 3 days before!!?

Does she sound like the sort of girl to just sleep around with a lot of guys? Why would she start to tell me about feelings etc if she didn't want anything serious? I used to start to tell her my feelings too because of that and that's what possibly scared her off then. I think I probably read the signs and things she said to me that she wanted something a little serious and if I did show any signs of clingyness would that be something that really scares off this "particular type" of girl?
Can you still be on a rebound 6 months later and not know exactly what you want?
I would have hoped to bump into her in the future at my friends and if we were both single try again, purely because when I was with her showing her affection I saw how much she loved it and saw it in her eyes/reactions that she felt something. The problem now is that saying "nothing will change her mind" kind of rules that one out doesn't it. If she liked me as much as it appeared in time could she realise the mistake she made by ending it and realise she needed to just give me a chance and get to know me?

[MynameisJesus]

I believe you appeared too insecure to her and therefore she backed off.
You said you wanted to wait with sex. Honestly....Why?
Because you are scared of it?
I'm not saying that to disrespect you but as a shy guy I can imagine that that's why you said that. And she picked up on it

You can have looks but if you don't have balls, you don't get anywhere.

And yes, talking about your feelings is a bad idea.

[Becca-leigh]

By the sounds of it she has issues. She seems insecure, she wants sex as this is a sure way to be wanted by someone. She wanted you to think of her, thus the flirty texts, you said you wanted to wait, she might have taken that abit lightly at the start but then when she realized you were serious, she may have taken it as a rejection of sorts. I don't think she wanted just sex but she wanted to feel wanted. She trying to fill what is missing in her subconscious with 'love'. Be careful

[r4mbo]

I believe you appeared too insecure to her and therefore she backed off.
You said you wanted to wait with sex. Honestly....Why?
Because you are scared of it?.

To be fair I wanted to wait on the 2nd/3rd time because it seemed too soon to me and I had it in my head that it could spoil things but I suppose that's a silly thing to think as I was perfectly capable of pleasing her the rest of the time. I'm not scared of sex, but still being a virgin and knowing the other person has slept with someone before is always going to make you wonder if you will perform to what standards she is used to. I know that seems silly to think like that but I'm not the only one. I knew that each time we were together things got a bit more intense and I got less shy. I just imagined that I would have stepped it up another notch the next time I saw her and then fairly soon after sleep with her. I know that I probably came across as a little insecure as well but I was always completely honest and genuine with her about things and she always told me she appreciated my honesty.The day after her finding out I was a virgin she told me " I'm glad we got to spend more time together last night and had a chat about things, I feel closer to you now and like you even more than before... if that's possible"

she may have taken it as a rejection of sorts. I don't think she wanted just sex but she wanted to feel wanted. She trying to fill what is missing in her subconscious with 'love'. Be careful

The first time that she mentioned me sleeping with her and I declined she did ask if I was attracted to her in that way. Obviously I told her I was but you could be right that she would eventually see it as rejection. It's strange because she was never clear about what she wanted relationship wise. I was the one being chased to start with and as soon as I showed more interest she backed off.
I did attempt to make her feel wanted, when she was in my arms it always felt like she was putty in my hands, she was very sweet and lovey dovey. We both showed each other a lot of affection and she said that I made her heart melt when I looked into her eyes. All positive things really. I never knew if I was going to slow or too fast with her though, should she have been clearer with me or should I just be able to tell that myself?

If it did end just because I didn't sleep with her straight away then I guess that doesn't make her a great person and she perhaps didn't feel for me what she said? otherwise she would have been willing to wait just a couple of weeks.

[MynameisJesus]

I'm not scared of sex, but still being a virgin and knowing the other person has slept with someone before is always going to make you wonder if you will perform to what standards she is used to. I know that seems silly to think like that but I'm not the only one. I knew that each time we were together things got a bit more intense and I got less shy. I just imagined that I would have stepped it up another notch the next time I saw her and then fairly soon after sleep with her. I know that I probably came across as a little insecure as well but I was always completely honest and genuine with her about things and she always told me she appreciated my honesty.The day after her finding out I was a virgin she told me " I'm glad we got to spend more time together last night and had a chat about things, I feel closer to you now and like you even more than before... if that's possible"

It's normal that you are worried about not meeting her standards. I'm a 25 year old virgin and I have that issue too.
However, I don't know if that made her back off. Either the virginity or the insecurity.

Recently I got along very well with a nice girl too. She asked me about my sex life and I confessed my virginity.

" Really? Wow I couldn't tell. Hadn't expected that. I don't find it a problem for a man to be a virgin at your age but I believe that most women in their 20s do "

I didn't know what to think. Whether she said that as an excuse or she meant it.
The only fact is that I asked her out 3 more times and she had an excuse to go every time

[r4mbo]

Recently I got along very well with a nice girl too. She asked me about my sex life and I confessed my virginity.

For me it went more like:
Me pushing her buttons and her getting quite excited
her: do you still want to wait?
me: yes
her: do you usually wait with other girls?
me: errr I like to wait
her: hmmmm have you actually slept with another girl or you still a virgin
me: virgin
her: shocked face - oh really ^^ - she didn't believe it and told me she was too then said.....hehe not really I know you won't believe that

But then as I say she was perfectly fine about it. At the end of the day it's nothing to be ashamed of, in fact it could make it even more special for both when you do it.
That's why it never scared me but I just wanted it to be the right time.


I am leaning more to the fact I screwed this one up because of being too laid back and she was used to being Full-On.
I really believe she was too hasty in finishing things and it didn't boil down to us not "clicking" as we had a lot of chemistry.
There was a lot of affection and passion when we were close which I thought showed just how much we were into each other.
The fact that if she was moody and I kissed or cuddled her and she instantly went to lovey mode proves that she liked that and wanted to feel affection from me.
If there had of been nothing there then she would have remained cold when I did those things right?

Am I crazy to think that in some time if I see her again we could have another chance? At the end of the day we were not bad to each other.
Even after she said "nothing would change her mind" I still always knew in my gut and the look on her face that she liked me a lot.
Or do I really just forget completely and move on? I know I can change my "laid back" ways if she gives me a chance and to me she seemed like the almost perfect girl in every way.

[MynameisJesus]

For me it went more like:
Me pushing her buttons and her getting quite excited
her: do you still want to wait?
me: yes
her: do you usually wait with other girls?
me: errr I like to wait
her: hmmmm have you actually slept with another girl or you still a virgin
me: virgin
her: shocked face - oh really ^^ - she didn't believe it and told me she was too then said.....hehe not really I know you won't believe that

But then as I say she was perfectly fine about it. At the end of the day it's nothing to be ashamed of, in fact it could make it even more special for both when you do it.
That's why it never scared me but I just wanted it to be the right time.

How old are both of you by the way?

It could be true that she doesn't care about the virginity by itself. I think so, because of the nature of this conversation but I wasn't there so you can tell better than me. The fact that she told you that she's oke with it means exactly nothing. All women say that

For me it depends on the vibe you give to her when you talk about your virginity. If you're gonna go

Well I am a virgin because I saved it for someone very special

,that sounds noble but you put a huge amount of pressure on her and she will back off. Especially a girl that's slept with a lot of guys. She barely knows you and wants to sleep with you. Not the type of girl that is looking for "the right time"
She would always say "aww that's cute" but what they are really thinking is " damn, that is so not hot. Back off"

You just stated that you are not afraid of it but you want to wait for the right time.

What exactly is the right time? I think you mean the right person and therefore you put pressure on her.
This girl obviously isn't interested in a long term relationship and by stating this you give the impression that you are not looking for a quick lay like she seems to do.

I will never discuss my virginity with another girl in the future and I don't give a rats ass if I lose it to some drunk bimbo.
Right time and right person are a turn off for these girls.

I am leaning more to the fact I screwed this one up because of being too laid back and she was used to being Full-On.
I really believe she was too hasty in finishing things and it didn't boil down to us not "clicking" as we had a lot of chemistry.
There was a lot of affection and passion when we were close which I thought showed just how much we were into each other.
The fact that if she was moody and I kissed or cuddled her and she instantly went to lovey mode proves that she liked that and wanted to feel affection from me.
If there had of been nothing there then she would have remained cold when I did those things right?

Am I crazy to think that in some time if I see her again we could have another chance? At the end of the day we were not bad to each other.
Even after she said "nothing would change her mind" I still always knew in my gut and the look on her face that she liked me a lot.
Or do I really just forget completely and move on? I know I can change my "laid back" ways if she gives me a chance and to me she seemed like the almost perfect girl in every way.

I find it strange that you were so laid back as a virgin. Are you sure that's not just a mask you like to wear?
Maybe she perceived it as being too insecure to pull off the move and that made her run away.
You must have said or done something that scared her, or you are a rebound indeed. I had similar opportunities like you have here. I was too insecure to even kiss her and after 3 dates she backed off and saw me as just a friend because of that.
I have the impression that you are going down that road too.
What would you do to grab your chance then? If you're gonna text her over and over to please give you another chance, she'll run over you and not be attracted anyway.
If you still have a chance, she'll make it clear to you by contacting you again.

[r4mbo]

thanks for your reply again.

How old are both of you by the way?

I'm 27, she is 26

It could be true that she doesn't mind. I think so, because of the nature of this conversation but I wasn't there so you can tell better than me.

She didn't look put off by it, only surprised and still smiling and happy. Unfortunately I did have to leave about 10 minutes after that though so I didn't get much time to see the real reaction. That evening we text goodnight and she said she was happy I was honest and the following day was when she said she liked me even more blah blah. I still saw her 2 more times after that.

For me it depends on the vibe you give to her when you talk about your virginity.

I agree, I don't remember my exact words at the time but I just made a bit of a joke about "don't worry I'm not religious or only wait until after marriage", I might have said "because I haven't met the right girl" but by joking a bit I don't think it came across as too much pressure for her. At the time I could have just lied completely but I'm just too honest for that and I didn't see the point. I'm not saying it's a plus for her, but I know in my opinion if I met a girl who was a virgin it would be nice to think that you are the one she is loosing it too and make it more special.

I find it strange that you were so laid back as a virgin.

I am just a very shy and timid person especially when it comes to an attractive girl. Even the 3rd time I saw her we sat at opposite ends of the couch talking after I'd arrived. I found it very hard to read if she was still into me because she looked awkward too ( I think she was reading my shyness as bad vibes) . After about an hour I plucked the courage to do what my mind was telling me and stuck my arm around her and then we had a very kissy passionate evening. It was only by about the 4th and 5th times seeing her that I didn't hesitate to do that stuff.

What would you do to grab your chance then?

I would hope that I was right about how much she liked me and hope to bump into her at my friends place in the future.
She came across as quite stubborn so I don't think she will ever contact me. I truly believe she had feelings though and I'm not sure how she can scoop those under the carpet.

She was really into me from the word go but only on a casual basis. I started asking to see her more and probably came across as clingy and her exact words to me the last time I saw her were. "You're looking for more than me obviously and that's why you want to see me more." But the bit that doesn't make sense about that is how she used to tell me all about her feelings to, and the "I've not been a relationship for a while blah blah" comment. The real reason for me wanting to see her more was because I knew that the more time I spent with her the more my shyness disappeared and the more comfortable I got with doing things with her. I always knew that if I didn't see her much it would end up just fizzling out and her thinking I was boring. I did tell her and she couldn't understand it and said if we were right for each other I would have felt comfortable straight away, but as a shy/anxious person it doesn't work like that and she just couldn't grasp that. She always told me I was hard to read. It seemed like she worried too much about how I was feeling all the time instead of concentrating on being herself. She is actually a very loud bubbly person but mostly around me seemed quiet. She suggested to me on the 3rd date that she felt shy too and that it was probably just because she really liked me.

After the day me telling her I was a virgin we met again the following week. After that particular night I received a text saying something like "I like to continue seeing you. Id like to get to know you more, because I have feelings for you and i'm happy when I'm with you, yesterday when you were kissing me and then looked into my eyes, it made my heart melt"
I saw her one evening after that but only for 2 hours and that ended ok then she blew me out when I said to her on the weekend that I hadn't seen her much (only 2 hours in 2 weeks). That's when it suddnely became pressure. Had I not sent the message that weekend she would have continued seeing me as normal.

I also wonder if I put up enough of a fight the day we went our separate ways. I went to meet her feeling quite negative and worried. But honestly didn't believe we were going to end things there. I gave her a hug when we met but don't think I even gave her a kiss so at that point she might have thought I'd just given up already. When she spoke of us ending it I was a little persuasive but not much and in the end just said..."you know what I want but I'm not going to try and influence your decision if you know what you want" I told her I wasn't forcing her into a relationship and I just wanted to get to know her and have some fun together.
As we left I hugged her and said take care and she almost looked like she expected a quick kiss or something. You know when there is that slight pause.... Anyway I just said that I always thought if we had those strong feelings it was enough for us to give it a chance and she didn't really say anything and we both walked our separate ways. With how her mood always changed so quick I keep thinking that I should have just kissed her there and said she should give it a chance to get to know me more. Maybe she would have switched to her lovey mode. Now I keep beating myself up for not doing that. She showed every sign of being very much into me, all those little body language things like touching, looking into my eyes as well as the things she told me and the passionate times we had. Was it really just the thought of a serious relationship that scared her off.

[dragonflygirl]

I read this and my brain shouted RUN AWAY!!! FAR FAR AWAY!!!!! this girl has issues. she hasn't taken the time to figure herself out yet after her last relationship. People tend to do that. They fill voids with people and things until they think they feel better. but in reality, they'll only feel better once they realize their own happiness WITHOUT the void fillers.

[r4mbo]

I read this and my brain shouted RUN AWAY!!! FAR FAR AWAY!!!!! this girl has issues. she hasn't taken the time to figure herself out yet after her last relationship. People tend to do that. They fill voids with people and things until they think they feel better. but in reality, they'll only feel better once they realize their own happiness WITHOUT the void fillers.

If I'm honest, while I was seeing her and we had these ups and downs with her mood and her only letting me see her when it suited her. I spoke to a few people I know about it. Some told me she is just playing games and messing me about. Others told me I should end it. The first time a female friend of mine met her she thought that she seemed a bit stuck up and paranoid. She did also say to me that she seemed to be the sort of girl who would sleep around but when I asked how she knew that she didn't really explain it. Perhaps I'm just too soft and naive then to believe it could have ever worked. I like to think I'm a good judge of character and she didn't come across as a bad person or like she was seeing a lot of other guys at the time? I did wonder why an attractive/confident girl like her was still single and perhaps it's because of her issues. I actually really fell for her and that's the problem I think, she didn't help me though by the nice positive things she said to me.

Her last relationship was only a year could it really confuse her this much? I guess anything could have happened in that time and it could have even ended badly so I suppose that I've answered my own question. Why would she insist on sleeping with me and be all over me so much though?? Does that really make a girl like that feel better?? She wasn't sleazy just extremely feisty but to throw herself at me like she did I was quite surprised since usually its the guy that is so full on.

[r4mbo]

How can I forget about her?? The thing is I know she was insecure and I know I didn't help by holding back sometimes. Certainly me not sleeping with her may have really annoyed her.
Am I crazy to consider trying to meet her again??? I truly believe that although I can't make her not insecure. She may get better in time and one thing I can definitely do is try and be more assertive with her and take the lead a bit more.
I cannot really text or phone her now but I could arrange for my friend to invite us over to their place. I would then need to make a move and show I'm not always so laid back. Am I being stupid to think about doing this???
I seriously believe she felt something but just got scared about commitment. If I believe in this enough is it worth my effort? I really don't know what to do.