I want my ex boyfriend back, help please?

[kirstyleannex3]

I had been with my boyfriend for 10 months and had been going through a rocky patch recently with him not knowing what he wanted about anything in his life as he has had a lot going on (his head has been really messed up). Hes not being able to tell me he loved me. With a holiday already booked for 5th july we decided that we would still go and hope it would help us and he hoped it would help him fall back in love and clear his head. The holiday was going really well and i do feel that we were getting back on track and moving forward again, we got drunk on one of the first nights and after sex he told me he loved me. Then we got drunk two nights before coming home and i went and opened my mouth and asked him if he loved me which led to him saying he didnt know anything and made him think about everything all over again! I felt so stupid as i didnt want to talk about anything that had been happening :@. He then started saying 'You're a lovely girl and you mean so much to me' i got upset and ran off out the hotel room which scared the s**t out of him he ran after me and said we should go sleep cus he didnt know what he was saying, he cuddled me in his sleep so i wouldnt run off again. The next day we went to the waterpark and acted like nothing had happened as we didnt want the last day of the holiday ruined. We got home on Tuesday and on Weds night he told me he just wants to try and be friends as he thinks it will be better because he cares alot about me but just doesnt love me no more.
I really want to follow steps to get him back as we are good together and i have been reading up on things on the internet. I am broken but i have followed advice and not shown him this and i have not been begging him to take me back. The last thing i told him was that i agree with the break up which is what i was told to do. I feel like he just needs space untill he was cleared his head and that he is still confused as to what he wants.
I was never friends with him before we got together, we just jumped straight into a relationship. He said to me not long ago that he thinks we should have been friends first but i don't know why because we managed 10months without doing that? :S
I'm sorry about the lengthiness of this but i really do need help, i'm trying no contact but i keep thinking it will make him think i'm doing fine without him and instead of missing me he will just move on. can you tell me what to do next?

[NeverDated]

I feel like he just needs space untill he was cleared his head and that he is still confused as to what he wants.

Yes. Probably. If he truly means he wants to remain friends, he may be considering a future with you. He may see it going to something serious and is afraid the speed of the relationship is putting that future on rocky ground.

OR...he doesn't mean it and is done with you. Only time will tell.

Do not even entertain the idea of contacting him until the wound from the break-up is not so fresh. You need to be rational and calm. Wait until you can think through the interactions and see both your mistakes objectively. Then think about them. THEN once you have a reasonable idea of what happened, you can possibly get in touch. I would say no sooner than 2 weeks, but that's for me. You may need to wait longer.

IF he contacts you in the interim, do NOT engage him as before. It is a good sign for you two, but us girls have the tendency to jump right back in. Take a step back, openly tell him you're still trying to get a mental grip on the situation, and keep the conversations casual and friendly. Do NOT sleep with him, even if he asks, until he makes some kind of commitment to pushing it into the relationship zone again. If you do, you will be thrown into the friends with benefits pile, and you won't be able to get out of it.

[kirstyleannex3]

Oh no i have no intention of contacting him for a few weeks, i want to distance myself from him to start to make him miss me (i hope). We have both got stuff at each others houses but i wont contact for them back untill i am ready to face him as i dont want to break down infront of him.

I know that he is true when he says he cares a lot about me as when all that kicked off that night i scared him when i ran off and he was comforting me and he was nearly in tears.
He was saying that he is scared of commitment but i think it may have just been an excuse. I am the first girl hes ever loved and he had never been a relationship this long before he mightve started to get scared about how long its actually lasted.

Its not even been a week that we've been broken up for but i feel like he has forgotten all about me already even though we were together so long. Hes been going out drinking with his mates a lot since. My friends say hes probably just putting on a front for his mates so that he doesnt look weak. But i can't help but think it. :'(

[kirstyleannex3]

Ok erm .. i've only been 'no contacting' him for 4days and hes text me already this morning ... twice!
One says 'I'm so so sorry, i never meant to do this to you. I guess theres no point me asking how you are is there? '
and the second says 'I want to see you today! ' i havn't replied to either .. i don't know what to say.

[kirstyleannex3]

Yes. Probably. If he truly means he wants to remain friends, he may be considering a future with you. He may see it going to something serious and is afraid the speed of the relationship is putting that future on rocky ground.

OR...he doesn't mean it and is done with you. Only time will tell..

Ok you were right, i went to see him today as he contacted me this morning saying he misses me and wanted to see me. He told me that he is not saying that the relationship is over for good. We was right as he said he wants to be friends whilst he clears his head. He said that hes been missing me and that its been hard without me. He said that someone told him about how 2 guys had slept round mine (they are only mates though) and he said it made him jealous because he thought i had moved on.

I slept with him, but i told him afterwards that im not his friend with benefits.
He told me to not be a stranger and make sure i keep in contact.
But whats my next step? Have i ruined my chances?

[NeverDated]

Sleeping with him was a really bad move. It's going to be hard to fix that and reframe the relationship now. "Friends" don't have sex. Just remember that. Until he's willing to verbalize you're more than friends, you don't sleep with him, no matter how much you want to. It will give him way too much control.

IMO, you should take it at face value and just treat him as a "friend" until he "clears his head." It'll be hard, but you have to do it if you ever want to get back into a real relationship.

[that one guy]

Sleeping with him was a big mistake. You have to value yourself enough to put yourself above him. You had the power when he was begging to see you and now, he has it all back. He's using you for his own benefit and will do it again. Step back and look at the situation from a third person perspective before you make hastily decisions like this. They are detrimental to your recovery and will only cause you more pain as he continues to wreak havoc on your mind, heart, and soul. The less he knows and the less you care will only benefit you in the long run. You'll be able to distance yourself from him and be presented with two paths: he comes back or he doesn't. If he does, he has to be fully committed to you and the relationship. If he doesn't, you'll be so far along in your recovery that it doesn't matter either way. Know your self-worth and don't ever doubt yourself. Confidence goes a long way especially in attracting the opposite sex. Don't hang on the hope that he might come back. It might mean you're missing out on someone else who decides to come along while you're still hampering over this has been. Stay strong.

[Kyeema]

Yes, sleeping with him was a mistake, but PLEASE don't beat yourself up about it - you're just human, you were overwhelmed by your feelings and you slept with him. So what!

The only thing that's important now is how you want to go on.

You're writing so much about him, you wanted to have no contact so he would start missing you etc. But what about you? Why don't you give yourself the time and space to think things over for yourself. Is he really the kind of guy you want to be with? Do you want to be with a man who is scared of commitment? Who doesn't know whether he loves you or just wants you as a good friend? Do you want to wait till he finds out what he wants?

You too (not only him) have a right to think about things, about the way he behaves and make decisions that are good life choices for yourself. You're not forced to wait for him to make up his mind. You can make up your mind too. I think the trouble with getting someone back is the answer to the question: why did he leave you in the first place? If he really loved you and wanted to be with you why did he leave you? And love overcomes fear. If it doesn't, this love is not strong or important enough.

I also think that if he wanted to come back, you could do anything you wanted (contact, no contact, just being friends), he'd come back for you. But still, if he comes back, for how long will he stay? My ex broke up with me once before in 2005 and one week after he came running to me apologizing over and over again, begging me to take him back, because with me gone he realized how much he loved me, that I was right about everything and that he didn't want to spend any second without me. Look at us, 6 years later he left me for good. And again it was for the same reasons that he'd left me before (I was not appreciative and grateful enough for him working so hard for us, instead I was critizing him for neglecting his family because he never was home, had time for everything and everybody else but me, our dogs and the construction site we called our house - yes, the same then and now. Shame on me!).

I may be wrong, but I came to the conclusion that either you just know that you love someone or you simply don't love him. I truly believe that it all breaks down to this simple statement. I always knew I loved him and wanted to be with him. No matter how rough things were. No doubts. Just love for him. He on the other hand didn't. And that was why he left a few weeks ago. He saw a nicer, easier way which was worth more for him than our love. His choice. And he had the right to choose no matter how much it hurts me.

So either you love and you know it or if you're not sure, you don't love. That's it.

Take the time and think about what you want from a partner, if one backing off and then sleeping with you and backing off again, being scared of commitment is really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. You deserve somebody who fully and wholy loves you and wants to commit to you 100%! Don't you think?

Big hug
Kyeema

[kirstyleannex3]

Hey guys sorry for the late reply but all of your advice has been very helpful to me and i have just been doing a lot of thinking and been getting out as much as i can with my best friends over the past week It has been 3 weeks since we broke up and i havnt seen him once since the last time. I have been trying by best to NC but he keeps texting still every now again. He keeps getting jealous when i go out with friends like on friday because i had a girl mate over for some drinks he thought i was having a party and got jealous because he thought i hadnt invited him so he texted me saying 'not inviting me to your party' and he said 'you've probably got somebody to share your bed with' and if i ever seemed upset he would be immediatly texting thinking he'd done something wrong.

He went out on saturday night and one of his mates said he was on about pulling but it could have just been guy talk messing around because yesterday after he'd been out, he text me saying 'i miss u so bloody much i cant bring myself to hurt u ever again i want to work things out so bad but if you cant forgive me then i'll understand :/ i'll always love you♥'

i did text him back and i put 'i want us to fix things too and start a fresh but can we not do this by text beause u cant tell true feelings through text' i put it because you cant tell whether people mean what they say unless you can see their face can you? but everybody has told me that they doubt he would mess me around more by saying something he doesnt mean. what do i do next?

[kirstyleannex3]

Hey just an upate to everything.
My ex and i had been talking to see when we could see each other to start to work things out. I had two of my girl mates round for drinks on thursday as my mum and dad were away and i invited my ex round too so he could get to see me. He drove to liverpool that night with his mate and didnt get back till 2am but he came straight to my house. Which showed he made the effort to come and see me. The night was fun and he kept finding ways to get close to me by poking me in my sides etc. My friends also said they could see that he couldnt stop looking at me. He slept over in my bed with me, and i'm not going to lie but i did have sex with him. After having sex we cuddled all night whilst we slept and also in the morning when we woke up.
He wanted to go to morrisons to buy some stuff after we had got up so me and my friend went with him in his car. At first we was walking around the shop and he kept coming up behind me to tickle me. Then from out of nowhere he grabbed my hand and was holding my hand properly with our fingers linked as we walked around and also whilst we walked back to the car.
Because of this i really dont think he would be like that in public with me if he just wants me for sex. I also dont think he would use me because i know how much he never wants to hurt me again so i doubt he would be messing me around and he wants to work things out with me. I also dont think he wouldve made the effort to come round my house and put up with my 2 very drunk girl mates.
He still hasnt asked me to be his girlfriend again though, but maybe he just wants to take things slow with me and not rush getting back together so that it works? What do you think i should do? Please reply.

[zapataman1]

do not worry. there are many men who do not know what they do and every day they are wrong. now it's time to know that you have not lost anything and if he is for you, then he come back to you. I advise you to know a little more the behavior of men and know what are the most common mistakes women make in a relationship sentimental. for more information I leave my signature.

[Simple Love]

Definitely give him a little bit of space before planning to get back together with him...Give time for both of you to breathe and think about the relationship...This will give him time to miss you and this will give you time to plan what your next move will be...There are many secret strategies in getting back your ex and it all starts with knowing how a man thinks...This has helped me in the past and I think it will be very valuable to you...

Having the knowledge is vital to reconciliation and reuniting with the one you love...This will help you understand every aspect of the breakup and how to get him back for good!

[codnchips]

I'd give the whole situation some space and chill for a bit, let the dust settle and see how he reacts. It's hard to think straight when you're in amongst it all. But if all else fails you could try a [URL="http://www.wiseheartdating.co.uk/"]mature dating[/URL] site.

[Iegor197]

My friend was in the whole same situation,
they started dating right after they met, in a month she moved to his apartment, after 7-8 months, they broke up, same story - he didn't know if he loved her or no n she was all after him. he said oh, let's stay friends, we are too different, everyth hap so fast n this n that.
the girl was totally broke, she was crying all the time, depressed, but she still had a hope. being friends she came closer n closer too him. how? talking, texting, having dinner together, cooking for him, she was just waitin till he gonna fall in love w her or at least got used so much he couldn't imagine a single day without her.
and yes they slept together... why? cuz she didn't want him to go oth girl, it hurt her he was kinda using her, but at least he was w her not sb else, and furthermore she was gettin what she wanted as well cuz she couldn't imagine herself with sb else! so slowly lil by lil, what you think? he started callin her GF, it took almost 9 month of her hard work to get him.
u think dumm n stupid? maybe... but that's what she wanted n she got it, not easy, very hard, but nob said u get everyth u want easy. though he still didn't tell her he loves her to her face, but she's more than sure he does, there's just sm oth reason y he can't pronounce that....
well, everyth is in your head girl, the way you draw it, the way you see it - that's the way it is goin to be!
BTW recently i found a nice website where you can post your text thread for the next text advice, very helpful, recommend! TheNextText.com

[reetmmy]

I guess theres no point me asking how you are is there?