Confused by boyfriend

[kinks]

New here, just a bit of background info: Been seeing my bf for 9 months, my first relationship. I'm 21, he's 32. He works full time in the shop I do part time work in. He just got out of a 3 year relationship saying things were awkward between them and he was looking for The One. Things between us are generally good, I love his company etc. He added me on fb the day he dumped her, and asked me out about 5 times before I obliged. Because he's my first ever bf, never been with anyone else we didn't kiss till like 3 months into going out, and didn't have sex till 6 months.

Here where the problems have cropped up: 1) At work, he acts so casual with me, like people at work wouldn't even think we were friends let alone going out.
2) At work, there's like a secret room we go in and stuff, and he was like 'let's not go in there always, don't want things to get boring'

He says stuff like he's crazy about me, but actions obviously speak louder than words. When we're alone together, like outside of work (max once a week) he's very attentive and affectionate.

The issues I have:
1) Guys, in your opinion why do we have to appear to be indifferent at work? Like he can chat to all the other girls at work without being suspected of trying it on with them so why can't he chat to me like that

2) We aren't a married couple, so why does he think things will get boring? We have quite a passionate relationship when not at work.

Also, when I brought that up (the bit about things getting boring) i was quite upset about it, he said he didn't want any heavy stuff and that this was a fun relationship. I agree, with it to some extent, like I'm not into the whole soppy thing, but in a relationship I think you can have serious conversations and it can still be fun. I mean if you can't talk seriously with the bf, then who are you meant to talk to. So instead I feel like I have to skirt around issues.

Guys, am I missing something here? What the hell's going on in his head? Am I being overly sensitive?

[maxmax]

1) Guys, in your opinion why do we have to appear to be indifferent at work? Like he can chat to all the other girls at work without being suspected of trying it on with them so why can't he chat to me like that

Because you're at work, and perhaps he is trying to keep some professionalism going rather than make it obvious you two are involved.

Or, if he doesn't much care for being professional, then he wants to keep you two low profile, and that could be for a number of reasons.

2) We aren't a married couple, so why does he think things will get boring? We have quite a passionate relationship when not at work.

Maybe he gets bored of things easily. Perhaps that's what happened with his last partner.

Also, when I brought that up (the bit about things getting boring) i was quite upset about it, he said he didn't want any heavy stuff and that this was a fun relationship. I agree, with it to some extent, like I'm not into the whole soppy thing, but in a relationship I think you can have serious conversations and it can still be fun. I mean if you can't talk seriously with the bf, then who are you meant to talk to. So instead I feel like I have to skirt around issues.

Just be wary that you aren't a rebound for him to 'play' with. It's only a fun relationship if you are both happy, and it sounds as though you already have some concerns.

Guys, am I missing something here? What the hell's going on in his head? Am I being overly sensitive?

Maybe, but maybe not. Don't be afraid to ask him about stuff, and if he continues to react negatively, and you continue to feel upset over it, then perhaps you need to re-consider being involved with him.

[kinks]

Because you're at work, and perhaps he is trying to keep some professionalism going rather than make it obvious you two are involved.

Or, if he doesn't much care for being professional, then he wants to keep you two low profile, and that could be for a number of reasons.

I'm not asking to be all over him and flaunt it. But it wouldn't hurt to talk to me at work in front of other people. When I'm on my own it's fine, but he'll just ignore me in front of other people. The low profile thing is what confuses me, he says stuff like, 'I'm proud that you're my gf of course I want people to know you're hot...'

Just be wary that you aren't a rebound for him to 'play' with. It's only a fun relationship if you are both happy, and it sounds as though you already have some concerns.

The reason why I don't think I'm a rebound is because of the following reasons: I'm not the rebound type, as in not someone who's out for fun/an easy lay. He knew I was a virgin and he also knew i wasn't allowed to date (religious issues) so he knew going out with me would take some effort. Like we didn't even touch/hug/kiss till like 3/4 months in. Just sort of dated but from the start he said we were exclusive and a couple and that he was crazy about me.

[maxmax]

I'm not asking to be all over him and flaunt it. But it wouldn't hurt to talk to me at work in front of other people. When I'm on my own it's fine, but he'll just ignore me in front of other people. The low profile thing is what confuses me, he says stuff like, 'I'm proud that you're my gf of course I want people to know you're hot...'

Ignoring you outright is completely odd, not to mention out of order. I would take it as a complete lack of respect and be deeply offended and hurt. It is very unusual of him to behave like that and there has to be a reason for it.

You don't ignore you girlfriend whilst asknowledging everyone else.

Do any of your co-workers know you're involved? Surely the impression he is giving them is that he doesn't like you.

The reason why I don't think I'm a rebound is because of the following reasons: I'm not the rebound type, as in not someone who's out for fun/an easy lay. He knew I was a virgin and he also knew i wasn't allowed to date (religious issues) so he knew going out with me would take some effort. Like we didn't even touch/hug/kiss till like 3/4 months in. Just sort of dated but from the start he said we were exclusive and a couple and that he was crazy about me.

Who knows. If he knew you were a virgin, or had strong religious beliefs, then maybe he would have seen it as a conquest, being your first? Perhaps he would have seen that as worth waiting for. It's difficult to say.

All I can say is, if I were crazy over someone, as he claims to be, and I worked with them, you can be certain that I wouldn't completely ignore them in the workplace. That would be the most unnatural thing I could do.

Something isn't quite right, you need to make sure he understands that it is hurting you and that he needs to be honest about why he behaves that way.

[kinks]

Ignoring you outright is completely odd, not to mention out of order. I would take it as a complete lack of respect and be deeply offended and hurt. It is very unusual of him to behave like that and there has to be a reason for it.

You don't ignore you girlfriend whilst asknowledging everyone else.

Do any of your co-workers know you're involved? Surely the impression he is giving them is that he doesn't like you.

Some of them do know. But that's mainly because I've told them, he doesn't seem to want anyone to know. Not ignoring outright, like say if I'm with colleagues, he'll just say hey, and nothing else. Only when I'm alone at work then he'll talk properly. It just bugs me cos I can see he's fine chatting to everyone else, but to me all I get is a hey in front of other people, if even that.

Who knows. If he knew you were a virgin, or had strong religious beliefs, then maybe he would have seen it as a conquest, being your first? Perhaps he would have seen that as worth waiting for. It's difficult to say.

All I can say is, if I were crazy over someone, as he claims to be, and I worked with them, you can be certain that I wouldn't completely ignore them in the workplace. That would be the most unnatural thing I could do.

Something isn't quite right, you need to make sure he understands that it is hurting you and that he needs to be honest about why he behaves that way.

I don't have strong religious beliefs, but my family does. Which limits me to how often I can stay over/how late I can stay out etc. But the conquest bit, he never pushed me into doing anything, like sex I mean. It was more the other way round when we first did it,I initiated it and he was like, we don't have to do this if it hurts/we can wait longer etc etc. So it doesn't feel like that, except for when he said the fun relationship bit.

It's clear we need to talk, but the last time I did it went a bit disastrous and he asked if I wanted a break and then we patched things up, but he was quiet for a bit. Only recently he's started being all lovey dovey and all over me.But these issues are still there and I want to talk about them. but from what I read, guys tend to avoid talking/don't like serious talk/get scared the girl is in too deep? :S How can approach it so it seems like a casual light conversation?

[HeartIsAching]

Yes, you're oversensitive.

He's keeping it low key at work because even if there's no policy about it at work (and I'll bet there is), it's a stupid idea to advertise that sort of thing.

Why would you assume that you have to be married for sex to get boring? Interesting way of thinking.

[kinks]

Yes, you're oversensitive.

He's keeping it low key at work because even if there's no policy about it at work (and I'll bet there is), it's a stupid idea to advertise that sort of thing.

Why would you assume that you have to be married for sex to get boring? Interesting way of thinking.

I didn't mean public displays of affection or anything, just that is it asking for too much for him to just chat to me if another colleague is about. Before we were going out he'd come up to me all the time...

Hm, I was sort of using it as an analogy, as in the stereotype of a monotonous marriage when things get repetitive and boring. I wasn't saying all marriages are like that. I just meant we're a fresh new couple, heshouldn't have to worry about things getting boring so early on

[bulrush]

It's clear we need to talk, but the last time I did it went a bit disastrous and he asked if I wanted a break and then we patched things up, but he was quiet for a bit. Only recently he's started being all lovey dovey and all over me.But these issues are still there and I want to talk about them. but from what I read, guys tend to avoid talking/don't like serious talk/get scared the girl is in too deep? :S How can approach it so it seems like a casual light conversation?

I think he may have a problem talking about relationships, as he may assume you just want to break up with him. So, when initiating a "serious" talk, start by saying "I don't want to break up, but I have a question for you..." Then continue with the question.

Younger and/or inexperienced guys are often very insecure about talking about their emotions, and that may be a part of it. So, try to encourage him by saying things like "This will be private just between the two of us" or after he told you something personal "I'm glad you shared that with me, that was very nice."

Do this a little with each conversation to encourage him to share more. Or simply tell him it's sexy when he talks about his emotions. That will get his attention!

Anyway, now that I'm older I'm very good at sharing my emotions with my gf, and the girls just go really WILD for it! They LOVE it!

[kinks]

I think he may have a problem talking about relationships, as he may assume you just want to break up with him. So, when initiating a "serious" talk, start by saying "I don't want to break up, but I have a question for you..." Then continue with the question.

Younger and/or inexperienced guys are often very insecure about talking about their emotions, and that may be a part of it. So, try to encourage him by saying things like "This will be private just between the two of us" or after he told you something personal "I'm glad you shared that with me, that was very nice."

Do this a little with each conversation to encourage him to share more. Or simply tell him it's sexy when he talks about his emotions. That will get his attention!

Anyway, now that I'm older I'm very good at sharing my emotions with my gf, and the girls just go really WILD for it! They LOVE it!

I'll definitely try that next time, thanks. Btw, he's not that young, he's 32 and 11 years my senior :p

[kinks]

Update: We had a long chat and he says he just doesn't wanna make it obvious at work because that means it will be more difficult for him to sneak downstairs to see me ie. people will always be watching him, and he's quite well trusted at work by managers etc and obviously they might start getting suspicious about why we disappear together for X amount of time etc. So I guess it makes sense. He said he didn't realise the indifference thing was such a big deal and has said sorry and for the past week has rectified it and chats to me often.

I do feel a little taken for granted if I'm honest. He's genereally happy to do whatever I plan, but doesn't really push to do anything himself. Ie. I'm always arranging what we'll do and he says he's happy to do whatever so long as it's with me. I just don't want to keep nagging him, after all, you don't go out with a guy to change them to suit you, you go out with them for who they are. And I guess 9 months later, I'm starting to see little things that weren't there before.

I guess I'm using this thread as an outlet to vent/express my concerns because I have to keep him a secret at home